This one was a two parter. First was about Meredith and I not talking to each other but running into each other frequently. At one point we were at a party and she was there with her husband. As she was leaving she walked right past me. Not a look. Not a word. Heart breaking.
Then it all shifted. We were both going back to school. Suddenly she said “Hi”. It was like nothing had changed. We were friends again she said she needed this to work. We would take it easy. Be friends. There was nothing sexual absout it. Just love and appreciation. We talked. It was nice. Heartwarming. For the first time in awhile that heartbreak I have was gone. Even waking up I felt better just from our dream conversation.
There was also a funny part where a bunch of people from our old place of work ran into us and started asking her about her sunglasses. Apparently she had just been in Europe where these amazing sunglasses were all the rage. They made her show them her sunglasses and she kind of posed against a wall with them. First holding the stem in her teeth with her lush lips over them. Then up on her head and she just looked radiant. I of course knew nothing about these sunglasses but loved the attention she was getting.
That was the end.
A reader shared this in a comment, and I think it hit spot on what I feel Meredith is doing with her life. She is Ostriching. Sticking her head in the sand, and pretending everything is ok. Nothing has dramatically changed about her life, but she has decided it’s as good as it is going to be so she should just give up on happiness.
This really fits with her personality actually, and we talked about it in different terms off and on over the last two years. She lives for harmony. She gives of herself to make sure others are happy and content. She knows that she can just give herself to her children and marriage and not be concerned with the parts that don’t work for her. As long as everyone else is happy then she can convince herself that she is happy.
Those things that we shared, sexual, intellectual, and understanding, can be set aside. She has convinced herself they are not necessary to her life anymore. Full steam ahead with the life she has. Give up on the life she wants.
In fact she said to me many times when she was trying to do things for herself that she could not have done them without me. It was too hard. She could not have told her husband about her needs without me there to support her. She could not have taken the initiative win applying for top level jobs without me showing her how valuable she is. Without me it would have been too much. She would have had to disrupt the harmony of her life and relationships. She admitted she will do almost anything to keep the harmony.
Her own husband did not think her worth what she was trying for, as he saw himself as the only one needing to work. Almost as if it was cute that she saw herself as smart enough to work for the companies we were trying to get her into. He was zero help and support. It took a lot out of him for her to go through with it, and without me pushing her and showing her she could do it then she would have quit. Because she had no other support. Her role was to make everyone else happy.
Now she has codified that life.
On the last day Meredith and I spoke she told me about Glennon. She told me how Glennon had put herself into her marriage to try to improve it, but in the end she stood up for what she needed and moved on from her marriage. How she ended up dating and marrying a woman. How her ex husband was still understanding and they remain friends because she was so open and honest with him.
Then she told me that she, Meredith, was doing well. That she was strong and taking care of things like Glennon. That I should not worry. It was a message of hope for the future, and one of the last things she said to me. Ever.
Now she’s pregnant and appears to want nothing to do with me. Only a handful of months later. These are the type of inconsistent messages I’m struggling with.
I had a dream about Meredith. We were on an elevator together. It was a random chance occurrence. We ended up in a pizza shop together and then eating pizza and talking. She told me of her pregnancy. She explained the birth control scenario. What she had done. How it all happened.
I was hurt. I walked away, but she came after me. Then it was gone…
On October 25th I had an unusually large number of hits. Someone came through and read all my posts. Do you think it was her? Did Meredith find my blog? The timing is odd. Maybe she was intentionally looking after our most recent interactions.
When I started writing the blog I told her I was doing so, but I also told her that I would not show her the blog until we were together. Period. She would always ask me about it. Always wanting to know where it was. After a week of Meredith interactions I now have someone who read all 170+ posts in one day and left no comments and no likes. Hmm….
Or is this the work of some sort of bot perhaps?
Well it was a bit rough. Very different than my previous counselor. This was my wife’s counselor who we are now going to work with. She was fair. She did a good job tempering my wife to keep her fro
m flooding. She also did a good job understanding me and clarifying for my wife. I appreciated that.
I was hoping to talk mostly about communication but the counselor wanted to talk about something else, and observe our communication. So we tackled sex. Oh boy. I find it difficult to discuss with my wife what it is I seek. Something that was so easy with Meredith. Honestly, what I am seeking is the connection I had with Meredith. That isn’t fair to my wife to look at it that way so I need to find ways of understanding for myself what was so important about it in ways she could understand.
One thing the counselor was sure to point out to my wife was that I wasn’t just asking for more sex or more interesting sex. I was asking for us to reorganize our relationship. She kept saying “this is a big deal. A big change. You’ll need time to consider if this is something you want to do.” I really liked that. It’s been hard to get my wife to think of it as more than just role playing twice a week in the bedroom. Now I think she at least understands the gravity of it.
I also liked that the counselor made it clear she had a choice. She does not have to just go along with this. She can consider and then say “No” if she so desires. I want her to know that, too. This isn’t a forced thing. She has to want this as much as I do. I don’t think she ever will, but we are going to start by helping her learn more about it.
Another thing. At one point she asked me what I want her to do. I said I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to want to do this. I want to know what excites you. This is as much about what you desire as myself. As a submissive you need to know what you need, and then I am in charge of making sure you get what you need. It’s not just about me or pleasing me. Yes, I would be in charge, but with an intense focus on what you desire.
I think that was another pivotal moment as I saw her really stop and think about it. She kept looking for me to tell her what to do, but in the end it was really about her desires. She hadn’t considered that side except as a defense against me.
It was a good first meeting. Unfortunately due to my job changing it will probably be a few weeks before the next, but we will do some homework until then.
A very short update today. We had an intense marriage counseling session last night. It was good. It was scary. It was emotional.
We ended up focusing on D/S and Power Exchange dynamic. Because it is clearly an area we do not communicate well. The counselor helped my Wife to actually listen, and also helped me to clarify in ways that will hopefully make sense. Also it was the first time I think she really understood that it’s not really about sex. There is no list of activities. It’s a mindset.
Although I think we both mostly acknowledged it is not something my wife is interested in she does want to learn more first. My homework is to find ONE or TWO resources to share with my wife to help her learn about Power Exchange relationships in more concrete terms. The problem is I want to send her a hundred links because that’s how I find information. I’m kind of freaking out thinking about only sending one or two sources. They have to be really good. I’m thinking blogs or books. But maybe a podcast too. Any help is appreciated!