Marriage Counseling

A very short update today. We had an intense marriage counseling session last night. It was good. It was scary. It was emotional. 

We ended up focusing on D/S and Power Exchange dynamic. Because it is clearly an area we do not communicate well. The counselor helped my Wife to actually listen, and also helped me to clarify in ways that will hopefully make sense. Also it was the first time I think she really understood that it’s not really about sex. There is no list of activities. It’s a mindset. 

Although I think we both mostly acknowledged it is not something my wife is interested in she does want to learn more first. My homework is to find ONE or TWO resources to share with my wife to help her learn about Power Exchange relationships in more concrete terms. The problem is I want to send her a hundred links because that’s how I find information. I’m kind of freaking out thinking about only sending one or two sources. They have to be really good. I’m thinking blogs or books. But maybe a podcast too. Any help is appreciated!

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Trip clarification 

I got a few responses of the “stalker” variety from my last post. I can see how that came across. In the post I emphasized the things I was going to see and not how those were chosen. 

Meredith and I actually discussed this trip more than a year ago. She told me all the things she wanted me to see. Not all of them would I have access to without her, but essentially I was just completing a solo version of that trip. 

Why would I do that? Imagine this, you have a good friend who loves Detroit (Detroit is just an example, insert any city name you prefer), and raves about it in detail all the time for four years. Eventually you are curious as to how this person sees such a different city than you do. Because you never thought highly of Detroit. The next time you’re in Detroit all you will be thinking of is your buddy and wishing you could see the city through their eyes. 

That is what I was doing. Trying to see the city through the eyes of someone who loved the city and raved about it to me for four years. In fact she gave me the list of places to visit. Those are what I wrote about. It was not a stalking excursion. Sorry if it came across that way. I mean for gods sake it’s a HUGE city! Just visiting a city because someone you love lives or lived there isn’t stalking. 

Taking a Trip

In the end I contacted Meredith. Well it was a silly thing. As part of my job hunt she ended up needing to be involved. I emailed her a very businesslike request and she handled it well. She made some comment that she hoped my family was well. I took the opportunity several days later to say yes, but also I would be down in her neck of the woods between jobs if she had time for coffee. 

It did not go over well. She was very blunt in her reply stating our relationship was over. While this should not have been a shock it still was. My mind is still having a hard time with this being over. 

This is the woman who said she would be fine having “Property of Ryan Patience” branded on her if I so choose. And now she will not give me the light of day. The woman who last September told me it was over with her husband and she was going to file for divorce. Now she’s having another baby? 

Of course I know why. At some point you have to make a choice and move on. She chose her husband. Can’t blame her I’m not exactly available. But what if i were? Would it have been different? What if I am in the future?

Anyway, I’m going to her city tomorrow. Go check out some sights. Things that were important to her then and now. Such as her school, which she talked incessantly about; her church; her favorite neighborhood; her favorite park; and probably buzz by the neighborhood she works now. Honestly I just want to see a bit of what she saw. She loves her city. In the end just seeing some places through a car windshield isn’t going to replace the impact of living there, but at least it’s something. Something I meant to do for years. 

Of course there is the possibility I will run into her. I will dress very differently in order to avoid that possibility. I will not leave notes for her. It would be too soon after that email now anyway. I will just be there. 

I will go down there. I will not get any questions answered. That’s ok. It has to be – this whole thing sucks. This woman who is perfect for me in so many ways I have to love secretly. 

Taking a Week Off

Last night I was considering what I want to do with my week off. Honestly what came to mind was a week of wild sex. When stressed or excited that is what calms me. I’m not a sky diver or motor cycle rider or mountain climber or anything like that. My thrills are all sex related. 

Then I thought, well that sucks, I can’t do that with my wife. Ouch. Honestly a week of sex with my wife would NEVER work. A day-cation of sex wouldn’t work. She’s just not into it. We would have 15 minutes and then the rest of the day to do other things. 

Then I thought of Meredith. My dream would be more than possible. In fact she would go to great lengths to make sure we had the right equipment, space, replenishing foods on hand, and child care arrangements for it to be a great week. She would tease me with little hints of things we should try, and generally get me so wound up it would be magical. No holding back. 

Well that’s frustrating for sure. Another dream down the drain. 

Taking Control of My Life

For 15 years I’ve been working at the same company. For 19 years I’ve been with the same woman. Predictable. Stable. That has been my life. 

At the end of this month I’m changing companies. I’ll be moving to one that pays more, and has a more dynamic and exciting culture. I’m really looking forward to it. Though it has been a stressful transition. 

This is the first big change I plan on making over the next year or so. I’m taking control of my life. I’m going to live it my way. For too long it’s been for the company and for my wife. Now I need to take care of my needs. Starting with this employment change. 

My marriage is in need of a serious tune up, and if you’ve read recent posts you’ll know that Meredith is still part of my future plans even if she doesn’t see me in hers. 

I will have a week off before the new job starts. I plan on heading down to her city, and spending some time becoming familiar with her world. If I run across her car I plan on leaving a symbol for her to think about. To know I’m still here. Like a red string. It was something we talked about, and I’m sure she would get it. 

Of course, I question the sanity of that idea. It’s probably not what she needs or wants right now. But I do want her to know she is still loved by me. If she has made amends with her husband that probably requires full disclosure of all contact with me. Which means she would probably tell him. That could get me in a world of hurt. 

Then there is the very remote possibility of actually running into her. I’m not sure what I would do then. I mean why am I anywhere near her? I don’t live down there. I would have to tell her how I feel. 

I’m also unblocking her from everything. She never blocked me anyway. She simply stopped all contact. 

Either way this is my life, and I’m taking control. Changing things up. Taking chances. Moving toward a future that works for me. Will Meredith also be able to make big changes? That’s up to her. 

Part of what’s driving this is that I’ve realized my wife and I have no sexual chemistry. Can you imagine? 19 years together with no sexual chemistry! What the F is wrong with me? Why did I wait so long to figure this out? It’s just one of several things wrong with my marriage, but a really important one for a romantic relationship. 

Doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past. I can only look to the future. The future for me will be full of changes. I can do big things. I can make big changes. Starting this week. 

A New Future

In some ways I suppose I was holding on to a specific future vision with Meredith. One that involved both of us splitting from our spouses in relatively short time frame and being together. I thought I had moved past that idea, but this recent news of her pregnancy clearly shows that it was still operating as a core idea in the deep recesses of my mid. 

It was alway an unlikely idea, but never impossible. We had talked many times about her desire to have many children and how we would get there. 2018 was going to be our year. Guess that’s out the window. She wanted to keep spacing with her current child close. I understand. But there was a lot of work to get there. 

Meredith being pregnant was not an accident. I know this now. Preventative measures would’ve had to be stopped. Clearly there was forethought. This was a planned event. Not that it makes any difference to me. Except in how it makes me feel. She has moved on and accepted her life as it was. As it will be. I’m sure her husband made changes, but they could not have been that drastic. He’s too thick headed. My heart breaks for her. 

I know that all of these thoughts, ideas, and reactions are terribly mean to my wife. I know this. Over the last half a year we have been slowly working on our marriage, but frankly I’m not feeling any closer to her. Very, very small things have improved a little. The kids keep us moving forward. Although now it is time for us to talk about having another. I’m not ready for that. I think it would be a mistake. 

I do love my wife. She’s wonderful. We have a very good working relationship. We have almost no romantic relationship. We would be great friends or coworkers. I’m not sure I can build a lasting marriage off of that. 

Frankly I think the possibility of me cheating was always part of our future. Now that I can clearly see our romantic life has never been good. I was always trying to find more without knowing what I was looking for. It makes me sad to think that, but also makes me think that it is best if we figure out how to dissolve our marriage. I’m not right for her. I will hurt her again. 

Something that keeps me going is my own father. My mom left him when I was young. They were not right for each other. He ended up marrying another woman many years later who was there for all of my formative years. She was truly awful. Eventually after 20 years my dad left her. Finally. 

What happened next inspires me. He found the love of his life. A woman who was always in the picture. Who I had known since a young age. They worked together forever, but each was married when the other wasn’t. Until about 8 years ago. Now they are each others 3rd spouse, and my dad is clearly the happiest I have ever seen him. Nearly 60 and he finally found the one. 

Maybe Meredith and I are slated for that kind of a future. Someday, far down the road we will each be at a point in our lives when we can finally be together. Not now. For now we must wait. Raise our families. Hope for a brighter future. 

She was Perfect

There are things about Meredith that I don’t think anyone else will ever know about her. Deep things. Things that require you to really understand the intricacies of how she ticks. Things only I know. I love those things. 

I love the things about her everyone knows. Her public persona. I love the things only close friends would know. I love the things only her mother or husband would know. But most of all I love the things that only I will ever know. Her husband will never know; her mother will never know; her sisters, children and friends will never know. Only me. 

She is beautiful and wonderful. The varied sides of her inner and outer personalities complementing each other well. There was a depth and a lightness. I want it all. 

Frankly I don’t think there is another woman like her out there. Certainly not one I could find. She was more than one in a million. She defied odds. There were no odds. There was just one. Meredith. She was mine ever so briefly and changed my life forever. 

You can call it whatever you like, but this beautiful woman will be on my mind for a lifetime. I will never forget her. I will never stop imagining myself with her. Maybe she isn’t perfect, but she was perfect for me.