It’s been really hot around here lately, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m feeling a lot of heat from those of you who read my blog. I’m personally thankful and grateful for the number of people who read my blog on a near daily basis. I find it amazing and humbling that people want to read my story.
Even those who disagree with me. Frankly I’m not sure why they continue to read, but I’m glad they do. It must feel something like a train wreck as I know I’m not really following any of their advice. My life just doesn’t work that way. Yet they still follow – perhaps out of morbid curiosity. Or maybe they want to watch me struggle and fail. Fair enough. There is a good chance of that.
For the most part I think everyone agrees I did the right thing on Meredith. I spilled my guts and have been open and honest to my wife. That is what my moral compass followers have been waiting for. Actually I know not everyone agreed I should spill the beans so even that isn’t a slam dunk.
Then there is the sex. Yes I have sex with my wife. It took a week after telling her about the affair but then we had sex two days back to back. For some reason this really caused a flare up. I just want to let everyone know that I have been having sex with my wife over the last two years since and even during the affair. Nothing has revolutionarily changed just because I told her of the affair.
Or has it? She has changed. The affair has freed her to question many things about herself including her own sexuality. I know she has been recognizing the role the church played in her stunted sexuality. If she wants to work on that I’m proud of her, and will support her but she needs to own it. She is talking to other women, buying sex toys, and even wanting to have sex with me.
But what about Sydney? Jesus I tried to take a week off from her why is everyone still talking about her? Frankly this situation is complicated. It is not black and white. As much as I feel that I need to be with someone like her, the work I am doing with my wife gives me hope. Maybe there is a chance for my marriage to work?? I don’t know. The chance still feels slight but it feels greater than it has in quite some time.
I mean I confessed about my affair with Meredith. It has changed my wife in many ways. In one sense we will never have the same marriage again and neither of us want to. But maybe we still don’t want the same things. We should free each other from our situation.
I digress. Where does that leave Sydney? Right now she’s on vacation a few thousand miles from here. We are not talking. She is in the wings, but she is not on stage. My wife is on stage right now. I did make the decision to separate. Not talking that back. But the situation has changed. I’m putting a stay of execution on the separation. It is still imminent but maybe a few more weeks. If Sydney doesn’t want to wait for me then it was never meant to be. This is a long process.
Frankly I don’t want this to be about Sydney. It’s not. It’s about me. Right now I’m a married man trying to navigate through an unhappy marriage. If I do get divorced and Sydney isn’t there I don’t care. I am a wonderful person and will find someone.
Did I kiss Sydney? Yes. Did I pick up horrible diseases? Maybe. But it would be no more or less dangerous than a drunken kiss at a bar. I’m getting a little fed up with the fear and STD comments. This blog is not about that. I’m wading through an emotional morass of self discovery.
I will continue to talk with Sydney. I will not have sex with Sydney. I will continue to work through things with my wife. These are things I will promise you. I will continue to make choices that not everyone agrees with. Perhaps if you were here with me and saw the landscape you would better understand the multitude of forces that cause me to make the decisions I make.
One last thing. I have decided not to tell my wife about Sydney in detail. I don’t think it would be prudent to do so. She knows there is a connection and that I would want to date her if we were single. That should be good enough for now. I know not everyone agrees. Perhaps you would if you knew my wife. Either way you are entitled to your opinion and now you know mine.