On the last day Meredith and I spoke she told me about Glennon. She told me how Glennon had put herself into her marriage to try to improve it, but in the end she stood up for what she needed and moved on from her marriage. How she ended up dating and marrying a woman. How her ex husband was still understanding and they remain friends because she was so open and honest with him.
Then she told me that she, Meredith, was doing well. That she was strong and taking care of things like Glennon. That I should not worry. It was a message of hope for the future, and one of the last things she said to me. Ever.
Now she’s pregnant and appears to want nothing to do with me. Only a handful of months later. These are the type of inconsistent messages I’m struggling with.
I had a dream about Meredith. We were on an elevator together. It was a random chance occurrence. We ended up in a pizza shop together and then eating pizza and talking. She told me of her pregnancy. She explained the birth control scenario. What she had done. How it all happened.
I was hurt. I walked away, but she came after me. Then it was gone…
On October 25th I had an unusually large number of hits. Someone came through and read all my posts. Do you think it was her? Did Meredith find my blog? The timing is odd. Maybe she was intentionally looking after our most recent interactions.
When I started writing the blog I told her I was doing so, but I also told her that I would not show her the blog until we were together. Period. She would always ask me about it. Always wanting to know where it was. After a week of Meredith interactions I now have someone who read all 170+ posts in one day and left no comments and no likes. Hmm….
Or is this the work of some sort of bot perhaps?
Well it was a bit rough. Very different than my previous counselor. This was my wife’s counselor who we are now going to work with. She was fair. She did a good job tempering my wife to keep her fro
m flooding. She also did a good job understanding me and clarifying for my wife. I appreciated that.
I was hoping to talk mostly about communication but the counselor wanted to talk about something else, and observe our communication. So we tackled sex. Oh boy. I find it difficult to discuss with my wife what it is I seek. Something that was so easy with Meredith. Honestly, what I am seeking is the connection I had with Meredith. That isn’t fair to my wife to look at it that way so I need to find ways of understanding for myself what was so important about it in ways she could understand.
One thing the counselor was sure to point out to my wife was that I wasn’t just asking for more sex or more interesting sex. I was asking for us to reorganize our relationship. She kept saying “this is a big deal. A big change. You’ll need time to consider if this is something you want to do.” I really liked that. It’s been hard to get my wife to think of it as more than just role playing twice a week in the bedroom. Now I think she at least understands the gravity of it.
I also liked that the counselor made it clear she had a choice. She does not have to just go along with this. She can consider and then say “No” if she so desires. I want her to know that, too. This isn’t a forced thing. She has to want this as much as I do. I don’t think she ever will, but we are going to start by helping her learn more about it.
Another thing. At one point she asked me what I want her to do. I said I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to want to do this. I want to know what excites you. This is as much about what you desire as myself. As a submissive you need to know what you need, and then I am in charge of making sure you get what you need. It’s not just about me or pleasing me. Yes, I would be in charge, but with an intense focus on what you desire.
I think that was another pivotal moment as I saw her really stop and think about it. She kept looking for me to tell her what to do, but in the end it was really about her desires. She hadn’t considered that side except as a defense against me.
It was a good first meeting. Unfortunately due to my job changing it will probably be a few weeks before the next, but we will do some homework until then.
A very short update today. We had an intense marriage counseling session last night. It was good. It was scary. It was emotional.
We ended up focusing on D/S and Power Exchange dynamic. Because it is clearly an area we do not communicate well. The counselor helped my Wife to actually listen, and also helped me to clarify in ways that will hopefully make sense. Also it was the first time I think she really understood that it’s not really about sex. There is no list of activities. It’s a mindset.
Although I think we both mostly acknowledged it is not something my wife is interested in she does want to learn more first. My homework is to find ONE or TWO resources to share with my wife to help her learn about Power Exchange relationships in more concrete terms. The problem is I want to send her a hundred links because that’s how I find information. I’m kind of freaking out thinking about only sending one or two sources. They have to be really good. I’m thinking blogs or books. But maybe a podcast too. Any help is appreciated!
I got a few responses of the “stalker” variety from my last post. I can see how that came across. In the post I emphasized the things I was going to see and not how those were chosen.
Meredith and I actually discussed this trip more than a year ago. She told me all the things she wanted me to see. Not all of them would I have access to without her, but essentially I was just completing a solo version of that trip.
Why would I do that? Imagine this, you have a good friend who loves Detroit (Detroit is just an example, insert any city name you prefer), and raves about it in detail all the time for four years. Eventually you are curious as to how this person sees such a different city than you do. Because you never thought highly of Detroit. The next time you’re in Detroit all you will be thinking of is your buddy and wishing you could see the city through their eyes.
That is what I was doing. Trying to see the city through the eyes of someone who loved the city and raved about it to me for four years. In fact she gave me the list of places to visit. Those are what I wrote about. It was not a stalking excursion. Sorry if it came across that way. I mean for gods sake it’s a HUGE city! Just visiting a city because someone you love lives or lived there isn’t stalking.
In the end I contacted Meredith. Well it was a silly thing. As part of my job hunt she ended up needing to be involved. I emailed her a very businesslike request and she handled it well. She made some comment that she hoped my family was well. I took the opportunity several days later to say yes, but also I would be down in her neck of the woods between jobs if she had time for coffee.
It did not go over well. She was very blunt in her reply stating our relationship was over. While this should not have been a shock it still was. My mind is still having a hard time with this being over.
This is the woman who said she would be fine having “Property of Ryan Patience” branded on her if I so choose. And now she will not give me the light of day. The woman who last September told me it was over with her husband and she was going to file for divorce. Now she’s having another baby?
Of course I know why. At some point you have to make a choice and move on. She chose her husband. Can’t blame her I’m not exactly available. But what if i were? Would it have been different? What if I am in the future?
Anyway, I’m going to her city tomorrow. Go check out some sights. Things that were important to her then and now. Such as her school, which she talked incessantly about; her church; her favorite neighborhood; her favorite park; and probably buzz by the neighborhood she works now. Honestly I just want to see a bit of what she saw. She loves her city. In the end just seeing some places through a car windshield isn’t going to replace the impact of living there, but at least it’s something. Something I meant to do for years.
Of course there is the possibility I will run into her. I will dress very differently in order to avoid that possibility. I will not leave notes for her. It would be too soon after that email now anyway. I will just be there.
I will go down there. I will not get any questions answered. That’s ok. It has to be – this whole thing sucks. This woman who is perfect for me in so many ways I have to love secretly.