We had quite a counseling session yesterday. Claire has been reading Esther Perel’s books. Finally. I actually started smiling as she was talking to the therapist. When asked why I was smiling I said “I’m really glad Claire is finally reading these books. The ideas and concepts she is coming across are ones I’ve wanted to talk with her about for some time, but I knew they wouldn’t go well until she had an understanding of what I’m talking about. It helps that she is hearing the ideas first from a trusted source rather than me.”
Claire listed of a number of concepts she is learning. Including that in heterosexual marriages we tend to assume rather than ask what each person thinks defines the rules of our relationship.
Which led to her asking me how I would define monogamy for our relationship. To be honest I was not totally prepared for this, but the therapist already knew I wanted an open relationship. I guess this is it. Time to spill the beans.
It took quite a while for me to get to the point because it’s not as simple as “I want to have sex with other people.” It’s more subtle about relationships and what defines the limits. Eventually though we got to what she wanted to hear. That I want a more open marriage.
It broke her heart. I knew it would. That’s why it has taken three years and an affair to finally tell her.
On the drive home we talked more about it. I went into more detail and she asked a few more questions, but wasn’t really engaged. She kept saying that “we could talk about it, but I need to know that this isn’t something she wants.” Which she repeated many times. Thereby making it impossible to actually talk about. I told her that is all I wanted to do right now is to talk about. The idea is very exciting to me, and I think it has positive benefits for our marriage. Then she went back to the same line and added “I feel like you’re just going to hound me about it until I agree.” Shutting down conversation again.
I asked her how we are supposed to be able to talk about things if that is all she hears? I’m not telling her that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not telling her take it or leave it. I simply want to talk about it and learn together. She has no interest in learning about this. Her mind is set and anything I say is simply trying to wear her down. It’s infuriating.
The next morning, however, went very well. We slept in. The kids slept in. We woke up and had sex without even saying good morning. It was nice. Then she told me how she had been so horny lately.
After she was showered and dressed she started kissing me, and told me that even the thought of me fucking another woman really turned her on. Bingo. I said, “I noticed that before. We can work with that.” She just walked away with a sly smile. She did not deny it. I also don’t think she has really accepted her little fetish.
The taboo subject is open and on the table now. It scares the shit out of Claire, but when you get into her sexuality, she rather enjoys the thought. Is a start.