The End of Monogamy

We had quite a counseling session yesterday. Claire has been reading Esther Perel’s books. Finally. I actually started smiling as she was talking to the therapist. When asked why I was smiling I said “I’m really glad Claire is finally reading these books. The ideas and concepts she is coming across are ones I’ve wanted to talk with her about for some time, but I knew they wouldn’t go well until she had an understanding of what I’m talking about. It helps that she is hearing the ideas first from a trusted source rather than me.”

Claire listed of a number of concepts she is learning. Including that in heterosexual marriages we tend to assume rather than ask what each person thinks defines the rules of our relationship.

Which led to her asking me how I would define monogamy for our relationship. To be honest I was not totally prepared for this, but the therapist already knew I wanted an open relationship. I guess this is it. Time to spill the beans.

It took quite a while for me to get to the point because it’s not as simple as “I want to have sex with other people.” It’s more subtle about relationships and what defines the limits. Eventually though we got to what she wanted to hear. That I want a more open marriage.

It broke her heart. I knew it would. That’s why it has taken three years and an affair to finally tell her.

On the drive home we talked more about it. I went into more detail and she asked a few more questions, but wasn’t really engaged. She kept saying that “we could talk about it, but I need to know that this isn’t something she wants.” Which she repeated many times. Thereby making it impossible to actually talk about. I told her that is all I wanted to do right now is to talk about. The idea is very exciting to me, and I think it has positive benefits for our marriage. Then she went back to the same line and added “I feel like you’re just going to hound me about it until I agree.” Shutting down conversation again.

I asked her how we are supposed to be able to talk about things if that is all she hears? I’m not telling her that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not telling her take it or leave it. I simply want to talk about it and learn together. She has no interest in learning about this. Her mind is set and anything I say is simply trying to wear her down. It’s infuriating.

The next morning, however, went very well. We slept in. The kids slept in. We woke up and had sex without even saying good morning. It was nice. Then she told me how she had been so horny lately.

After she was showered and dressed she started kissing me, and told me that even the thought of me fucking another woman really turned her on. Bingo. I said, “I noticed that before. We can work with that.” She just walked away with a sly smile. She did not deny it. I also don’t think she has really accepted her little fetish.

The taboo subject is open and on the table now. It scares the shit out of Claire, but when you get into her sexuality, she rather enjoys the thought. Is a start.


Spring Forward

Good news to share! Sydney has left the company. It finally happened. She was out for four weeks on jury duty then returned for a week and now gone.

She became very friendly with me the last week. Nearly like old times. Which could mean that her mean treatment toward me was impacted by the stress of her job.

After she left it was quiet for several days. Then all of a sudden she reached out. At first it was light hearted about what she was doing. I was engaging, but at a minimal level.

Then she got serious, and apologized for how she treated me. Yes. Now. After she has left and I will likely never see her again she finally realizes she was out of line, and needs to apologize. Months too late.

It caught me off guard. What am I supposed to do with that? What is she expecting? I actually sat down, got serious and asked her that. She said she missed how we used to be. She wanted us to remain friends and confidants. Finally I told her that I don’t think it’s a good idea for multiple reasons.

First, I probably shouldn’t be talking to her anyway. Second, the way she treated me hurt and I’m still dealing with it. I don’t think I could trust her again, and certainly not now that we are not going to see each other. It was too late. She should have fixed this months ago.

She reiterated that she was wrong for how she treated me, and I explained to her just how awful that experience was for me. I told her frankly I never expected to hear from her again. To which she said she would work to earn my trust back. But how? It’s too late.

I haven’t officially told her that we are through, but we clearly are. I haven’t said a peep since our last conversation. Just nothing. Maybe that’s best.

Who Has Affairs

I used to believe there was a type of person who had affairs. As if the personality of the person could indicate whether they were wired toward cheating. That most of us are immune to such things because we have integrity.

I had integrity. Right up until the minute I crossed my own boundaries.

It turns out many people end up in this same boat. People who could never see themselves as a cheater, yet it happens to them anyway. Generally they are not serial cheaters, and possibly have been faithful for a decade or more. It comes as a surprise to even themselves that they are capable of such a horrendous act.

I believe now that we are all cheaters. Every one of us. Given the right set of circumstances I believe any of us would have an affair. Most people don’t believe me because they haven’t had the circumstance present itself. Fortunately those circumstances don’t come around too often.

Believe it or not we humans are not as in control of ourselves as we think. Our emotions fluctuate quite rapidly at times, and they have more control over our behavior than we’d like to admit. Just think of the word ‘hangry’. Body controls our mood which controls our actions.

On top of that, sex is one of the largest driving forces of nature and our bodies. It can be very hard to resist. Nearly everything we do is driven by sex and desire. Our minds will bend facts, logic and truth to search out sex.

For any individual person the circumstances will be different, but if they manifest then I believe we are all capable of having an affair. To me it doesn’t matter the moral compass of the individual. It doesn’t matter the length of time of faithfulness. It doesn’t matter the appearance of integrity. All of those can be undone by forces stronger than any mere mortal.

We all are either recovering from an affair, in an affair, or pending an affair. Let’s not be so hard on each other. Life is hard. Relationships are hard.

My Love For Meredith

It is a never ending love. The more time marches on I continue to love her the same. Being apart isn’t as painful as it once was. I have more clarity about the situation. But the way I feel about her remains the same. I don’t think it will ever fade, and I don’t know why it should.

Last night I got stuck thinking of her. She was such a lovely woman. I wondered how she was doing. I looked up her public profile, which she rarely updates, and found a new photo. She is so lovely. She has lost some weight. That’s really good for her. Clearly feeling better. I’m happy that she is happy.

I miss her so much. I’m very sad she isn’t in my life any more. I know I must love her from afar, and that no one around me wants to hear about it. It’s just for me to know.

Yet I dream of her. I dream of a different future. One where we stay where we are, but can be friends and lovers again. It makes me happy to think about. A world open to possibilities beyond the bounds of traditional marriage.

I wonder how much she thinks of me. Maybe this is all one sided. It’s impossible to know how someone else truly feels. Maybe she only sees me as a mistake she survived. Or maybe she is in her city thinking of me. Pining for a love that is never meant to be.

February Sydney Update

The Sydney chapter is coming to an end. In its own stage way.

January was a busy month at work, and I didn’t see much of her. I finally messaged her, and she said she was out on jury duty going on four weeks. Then she said her last day at our company was March 1st. Odd.

I haven’t heard from her since. That was over a week ago. So strange. She just disappeared.

It is an enormous relief knowing she is finally leaving. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen. Now I can remove that stress from my life and move on.


I suppose I wasn’t paying attention to the signals of my body very well. I have been under a lot of stress lately. The holidays are always busy and stressful in their own rite, but January has turned into a bear.

There is so much going on at work, and much of it high profile. Timelines are tight. Plus Claire’s work situation, and generally just raising two small kids.

When I get stressed sex is where I go. I didn’t really notice my recent pattern until today. I’ve been craving intense sex, and kinky sex a lot. Unfortunately that means that most of it has been solo as Claire really can’t help me there.

Until today though. The news from my coworker Pam about her husband leaving her really effected me emotionally. I feel more sullen. Not myself. I still crave sex, but more of a loving sex. Which I had last night. It was nice. I can see now how our emotions can affect our desires in different ways. I’m sure my normal state will return again, but I felt it was an interesting change.

January Update

The holidays have come and gone. Life was very busy there for awhile. I just couldn’t find the time to write.

Overall things are good. Life is humming along. Work is really, really busy. Stressful actually. I am ramping up a new employee; about to have another employee transfer to my team; giving a preso at our big company kickoff in two weeks; launching an entire system this month. It’s a lot.

I finished the book “The Ethical Slut”. It was very good. It really gave me hope, and a new perspective on the future. I know that most people do not fall into the world of polyamory, and it wouldn’t work for them. But as I’m reading this book it feels like home. That is a good indicator for me. I definitely think it’s worth having a discussion about with Claire.

Our counseling sessions are currently paused as our counselor has taken a long break for the month. That’s ok. We could use the break. We’ve been focused on the new year. Organizing, cleaning, etc. I setup a project plan on what to do to finish the built-in shelves and mantel I’m working on.

Claire’s job is in chaos right now. Good time for our relationship to just be stable. Her boss is a narcissistic manipulator. Claire is a people pleaser. Not a good combo. I’ve been telling her for years she needs to step down from her leadership role, but she always wants to make it work. Finally she called me crying one day after a meeting with her boss. That was it. She stepped down the next working day. But since then her boss has been spinning everything, and taking no responsibility for how she treated Claire. It’s awful to watch, but I’m proud of her for taking care of herself. This needed to be done.

I still get intense urges for BDSM, but know that Claire won’t be able to satisfy them. I think about Meredith a lot. Mostly though I just use my imagination or porn to get through. Get myself calm again. Back to a version of myself that works for Claire. Much like the last 18 years. I’m ok with it because I feel we have a direction in which to move.

This is complicated, but I’m part of a larger team of 12 and 4 of us are leaders. One VP and three of us as managers. In September one of the managers, Jim, left for another company. He was really close with the the other manager, Pam. I mean they were like brother and sister. Very close. I felt a little like the third wheel, but we all got along well. When Jim left I noticed that Pam sort of latched on to me. Part of it was that I ended up taking on a lot more responsibility since Jim left, but there were a couple of personnel situations too where I was able to provide her a lot of advice. Now we are much closer friends, similar to what she had with Jim.

Since then we’ve hired a new person to replace the Jim, but he’s still very new. It seems he took over my third wheel role.

Anyway I’m telling you all this in order to tell you that last night Pam texted me that she had something to tell me. I figured it was work related, but it was not. In fact she said her husband (whom I’ve never met) had left her in August. She felt she needed to tell me. Apparently Jim, me and one other friend are the only ones she’s told outside of family.

It’s devestating news. I had no idea. I feel very fortunate that she felt safe in telling me, but also now carry the burden of knowing my own secret I cannot share with her. It kept me up last night thinking of her situation.

Pam said it seems like a mid life crisis. I’m not sure if that means another woman was involved. She said she still hopes he will get over it and come back. My heart breaks for her. She is such a tough, no-nonsense woman. She actually said she could mention it to me over text, but still can’t say it out loud. I wish I knew what I could do to help her.

Anyway, life has been going. I’m emotionally drained today but doing ok.