In some ways I suppose I was holding on to a specific future vision with Meredith. One that involved both of us splitting from our spouses in relatively short time frame and being together. I thought I had moved past that idea, but this recent news of her pregnancy clearly shows that it was still operating as a core idea in the deep recesses of my mid.
It was alway an unlikely idea, but never impossible. We had talked many times about her desire to have many children and how we would get there. 2018 was going to be our year. Guess that’s out the window. She wanted to keep spacing with her current child close. I understand. But there was a lot of work to get there.
Meredith being pregnant was not an accident. I know this now. Preventative measures would’ve had to be stopped. Clearly there was forethought. This was a planned event. Not that it makes any difference to me. Except in how it makes me feel. She has moved on and accepted her life as it was. As it will be. I’m sure her husband made changes, but they could not have been that drastic. He’s too thick headed. My heart breaks for her.
I know that all of these thoughts, ideas, and reactions are terribly mean to my wife. I know this. Over the last half a year we have been slowly working on our marriage, but frankly I’m not feeling any closer to her. Very, very small things have improved a little. The kids keep us moving forward. Although now it is time for us to talk about having another. I’m not ready for that. I think it would be a mistake.
I do love my wife. She’s wonderful. We have a very good working relationship. We have almost no romantic relationship. We would be great friends or coworkers. I’m not sure I can build a lasting marriage off of that.
Frankly I think the possibility of me cheating was always part of our future. Now that I can clearly see our romantic life has never been good. I was always trying to find more without knowing what I was looking for. It makes me sad to think that, but also makes me think that it is best if we figure out how to dissolve our marriage. I’m not right for her. I will hurt her again.
Something that keeps me going is my own father. My mom left him when I was young. They were not right for each other. He ended up marrying another woman many years later who was there for all of my formative years. She was truly awful. Eventually after 20 years my dad left her. Finally.
What happened next inspires me. He found the love of his life. A woman who was always in the picture. Who I had known since a young age. They worked together forever, but each was married when the other wasn’t. Until about 8 years ago. Now they are each others 3rd spouse, and my dad is clearly the happiest I have ever seen him. Nearly 60 and he finally found the one.
Maybe Meredith and I are slated for that kind of a future. Someday, far down the road we will each be at a point in our lives when we can finally be together. Not now. For now we must wait. Raise our families. Hope for a brighter future.