I had an analogy hit me yesterday. When you lose a relationship in which you were highly invested it is much like losing your house to a fire. I suppose this is probably true for single people who are dumped as well as those of us in affairs that end.
As much as you would like to go back to the way things were – back to the house with all your belongings and history – it will never happen. The house is gone. The relationship is gone. All the elements and details of that relationship are now just memories. But you still think of what you lost and it breaks your heart.
You will eventually move into a new house, or fix up an old one you had, but as much as you try to replace what was lost it will never be the same. The longer you were in the house, and the depth of memories lost, will certainly impact the length of time spent grieving.
There will be memories you will look back on many years down the road, and continue to be upset over the loss. With time, however, most of the pain will disappear.
I think this is the same with close relationships that are lost. Even if you know you need to let go you still long for the memories. You still long for those elements of a relationship you will never experience again.
This one was a two parter. First was about Meredith and I not talking to each other but running into each other frequently. At one point we were at a party and she was there with her husband. As she was leaving she walked right past me. Not a look. Not a word. Heart breaking.
Then it all shifted. We were both going back to school. Suddenly she said “Hi”. It was like nothing had changed. We were friends again she said she needed this to work. We would take it easy. Be friends. There was nothing sexual absout it. Just love and appreciation. We talked. It was nice. Heartwarming. For the first time in awhile that heartbreak I have was gone. Even waking up I felt better just from our dream conversation.
There was also a funny part where a bunch of people from our old place of work ran into us and started asking her about her sunglasses. Apparently she had just been in Europe where these amazing sunglasses were all the rage. They made her show them her sunglasses and she kind of posed against a wall with them. First holding the stem in her teeth with her lush lips over them. Then up on her head and she just looked radiant. I of course knew nothing about these sunglasses but loved the attention she was getting.
That was the end.
A reader shared this in a comment, and I think it hit spot on what I feel Meredith is doing with her life. She is Ostriching. Sticking her head in the sand, and pretending everything is ok. Nothing has dramatically changed about her life, but she has decided it’s as good as it is going to be so she should just give up on happiness.
This really fits with her personality actually, and we talked about it in different terms off and on over the last two years. She lives for harmony. She gives of herself to make sure others are happy and content. She knows that she can just give herself to her children and marriage and not be concerned with the parts that don’t work for her. As long as everyone else is happy then she can convince herself that she is happy.
Those things that we shared, sexual, intellectual, and understanding, can be set aside. She has convinced herself they are not necessary to her life anymore. Full steam ahead with the life she has. Give up on the life she wants.
In fact she said to me many times when she was trying to do things for herself that she could not have done them without me. It was too hard. She could not have told her husband about her needs without me there to support her. She could not have taken the initiative win applying for top level jobs without me showing her how valuable she is. Without me it would have been too much. She would have had to disrupt the harmony of her life and relationships. She admitted she will do almost anything to keep the harmony.
Her own husband did not think her worth what she was trying for, as he saw himself as the only one needing to work. Almost as if it was cute that she saw herself as smart enough to work for the companies we were trying to get her into. He was zero help and support. It took a lot out of him for her to go through with it, and without me pushing her and showing her she could do it then she would have quit. Because she had no other support. Her role was to make everyone else happy.
Now she has codified that life.
On the last day Meredith and I spoke she told me about Glennon. She told me how Glennon had put herself into her marriage to try to improve it, but in the end she stood up for what she needed and moved on from her marriage. How she ended up dating and marrying a woman. How her ex husband was still understanding and they remain friends because she was so open and honest with him.
Then she told me that she, Meredith, was doing well. That she was strong and taking care of things like Glennon. That I should not worry. It was a message of hope for the future, and one of the last things she said to me. Ever.
Now she’s pregnant and appears to want nothing to do with me. Only a handful of months later. These are the type of inconsistent messages I’m struggling with.
I had a dream about Meredith. We were on an elevator together. It was a random chance occurrence. We ended up in a pizza shop together and then eating pizza and talking. She told me of her pregnancy. She explained the birth control scenario. What she had done. How it all happened.
I was hurt. I walked away, but she came after me. Then it was gone…
On October 25th I had an unusually large number of hits. Someone came through and read all my posts. Do you think it was her? Did Meredith find my blog? The timing is odd. Maybe she was intentionally looking after our most recent interactions.
When I started writing the blog I told her I was doing so, but I also told her that I would not show her the blog until we were together. Period. She would always ask me about it. Always wanting to know where it was. After a week of Meredith interactions I now have someone who read all 170+ posts in one day and left no comments and no likes. Hmm….
Or is this the work of some sort of bot perhaps?
I got a few responses of the “stalker” variety from my last post. I can see how that came across. In the post I emphasized the things I was going to see and not how those were chosen.
Meredith and I actually discussed this trip more than a year ago. She told me all the things she wanted me to see. Not all of them would I have access to without her, but essentially I was just completing a solo version of that trip.
Why would I do that? Imagine this, you have a good friend who loves Detroit (Detroit is just an example, insert any city name you prefer), and raves about it in detail all the time for four years. Eventually you are curious as to how this person sees such a different city than you do. Because you never thought highly of Detroit. The next time you’re in Detroit all you will be thinking of is your buddy and wishing you could see the city through their eyes.
That is what I was doing. Trying to see the city through the eyes of someone who loved the city and raved about it to me for four years. In fact she gave me the list of places to visit. Those are what I wrote about. It was not a stalking excursion. Sorry if it came across that way. I mean for gods sake it’s a HUGE city! Just visiting a city because someone you love lives or lived there isn’t stalking.