Journal: at home

Another post by Meredith. Just read that last line. That’s the message she was sending to me. This is something we talked about a lot. How making gobs of money wasn’t nearly as important to us as making enough to get by and spending time together. 

—–

There are times that I think I could be quite content staying at home as long as I had a little work to stay occupied.

I’ve been at home by myself all day and it’s lovely. I’ve gotten work done, made dinner, fixed the budget. Now I’m going to shower and then read some more for work. I love having my time be my own. And I love knowing that I’m close to both my daughter and H should one of them need something. Sometimes I think I would love to work like 20-30 hours a week so that I could devote more time to caring for my family. Or even 40 in a job like my current one where I can work from home and move when I work to fit our family. I just… I really like caring for my family. A lot. There is something peaceful about getting our lives set up well. I don’t like the childcare part of it because it makes it hard to do all the other stuff. So I would want to make sure that I made enough money to have childcare most days. But still, that’s not too hard.

Something to think about for my next phase.

Journal: Saturday at the In Laws

Meredith reflects on what a new life would cost. 

—–

H’s parents took my daughter to the park this morning.

Grandpa mentioned the park before breakfast which meant that she was fixated on it all through breakfast and didn’t eat much.

They left H and I here alone which was nice. I did the 7 min workout and yoga while H showered. The dog was my workout partner, despite my protests. I think all the jumping in my workout freaked her out because she wouldn’t stay away. She kept jumping over the gate and coming upstairs so I finally just let her lay next to me. She is pretty cute though.

I’m feeling a bit melancholy this morning. I love H’s family and I’m realizing that in order to get what I want I would have to sever ties with them. That’s pretty hard to face. They are sweet to me, especially his dad. I don’t know what to do with that. It makes me really sad to think about. Plus they’ve known me for so long. I guess I need to weigh the costs.

I’m going to hop in the shower. It’s hot and the 7 minute workout got me all sweaty.

Journal: 8/26

Another post from Meredith. This one gets into her sexuality and her struggles with her husband. I mean he got angry with her over not telling him something about herself she didn’t really understand. Something he would have no idea what to do with, but the point is that instead of helping her or appreciating this new information he was angry. 

Also, when she talks of reading, it is literotica to get her aroused. Something my wife wouldn’t think of doing.

—–

Well, it’s Friday. I meditated but I’m taking the day off from exercise today. I only commited to 4 days a week and I’m pretty sore from yoga yesterday. I know, it doesn’t seem like yoga should make one sore but it totally does. It’s actually a really hard workout if you hold some of the poses for any length of time. Yesterday had a lot of core strengthening so it was particularly difficult.

I had a great day with my daughter at the retreat. [redacted specifics about the retreat that are not important]. 

I’m pretty worried about H today. He seems nervous about clinic. I think that if clinic doesn’t go well then he’s going to have to look into taking serious time off from the program, which must be nervewracking for him.

We had sex last night. I was feeling playful while we watched a movie and started kissing him passionately. I bit his lower lip pretty hard and he spanked me HARD which got me going. But then I said, “I’m too hot. If you want to continue we need to go upstairs,” and he didn’t make a move. Once the movie was over I went upstairs and read a bit to get my mind into it. And then we had sex. I don’t know. It really wasn’t great for me. I didn’t get there when I was reading or during. And then afterwards I asked him if more sex would lower his stress level and he made a comment that it only would if I enjoyed myself too because that’s what he finds most enjoyable… and then said something about how it made him angry that I hadn’t told him all this time that I’m a sub. But then he quickly said, “but I know that my anger is misplaced and that I think I’m actually just upset that you’re having a hard time.” But really, the damage was done. And I don’t really know what to do with that. I tried to tell him what I needed all along… I didn’t identify as a sub until recently but I was always setting up sex in a way that he was in charge and I was more submissive. And I used to ask him to hurt me but he never seemed that into it except for spanking.

Now that I see myself more clearly I’m seeing all the ways that I’ve always been a sub and just didn’t know it. It’s not just the sex – it’s everything. The way I take care of people. The way I ask questions. Everything. And I kind of like that about myself as long as I can find a situation where it’s understood and handled the right way. It feels like if I want to stay with H I have to change that about myself… and I don’t know that I really can and I don’t know what else I’d lose.

Journal: Aug 25 Thoughts

Next journal post. You can see her body image is an important theme and gauge of her depression. The key point here is that she is continuing to communicate to me that she is following my rules. She is letting me know how she feels, and that she is working out. Even when a bird threatened to derail her morning. 

—–

Well, I did yoga and meditation this morning. I was a little distracted during yoga because after meditation I heard a bird in the green room. I tried to help the little guy get out but he was too flustered and kept trying to exit via the window. Ultimately he ended up flying as fast as he could directly into the window and died. It was terrible. I saw him take his last breath… I’m actually upset enough to cry about it. I buried him in the garden.

In other news, I weighed myself yesterday and was super unhappy with the result. Yes, weight is just a number but it shows how depressed I’ve been. I’ve just been eating whatever sounds good with no control or thought. And so I now weigh more than I ever have before (including when I was 40 weeks pregnant). Blech. I do feel good about this new exercise regime and the journalling, but it’s kind of depressing that my body is SUCH a reflection of my emotional state. The good news is that it can go the other way too… and ultimately my goal is to be strong and have good endurance and feel confident – none of those things are weight dependent.

I am heading down to a work retreat this morning with my daughter. We’re both really excited about it. I LOVE the retreats. I can’t wait to be there.

Journal: 8/24 Thoughts

Meredith’s first real post. There was a lot of health related thoughts I shortened. This post was her way of telling me how she’s feeling and that she’s following my instructions. The part where she mentions it doesn’t come naturally to her what she means is that I told her the good parts. 
—–

Well, I feel a lot better than I did yesterday.I woke up spontaneously at 5:20 which is always a good sign that I slept well and should have a good day. I’m pretty nervous about H. [health problems removed]. It’s likely just a symptom of stress. He’s nervous, which means that it’s more serious than he’s letting on.

I meditated this morning and then did the 7 min workout which has me feeling a bit better. There is so much jumping in the 7 min workout for women app: seal jumping jacks, no rope jump rope, skaters, jumping lunge, squat jump, frog jump, squat thrusts, mountain climbers, superman exercise, and plank. By the time I get to the frog jump I can barely get myself off the floor. I guess that’s a good place to start from though. 🙂

I also took some photos of my current self. Honestly, I kind of hate them. A big problem is the light (H was still asleep), but I still can’t help but focus on my belly. I’m trying to see all the positive things: my skin looks nice, I have big brown eyes, my hair is getting long and pretty, my ass looks good, I like my wrists. I wish I could say that the positive focus came naturally to me, but it doesn’t. Again, I know this is just a starting point, but it feels pretty discouraging at times.

[photo redacted]

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goals are in exercising and meditating and so on. I know they make me feel better mentally, but some days I’m going to need more than that. I think having a place to write down how good they make me feel – the endorphin rush and the clear head – is important. I also think I need to keep focused on the goals. My goal isn’t a specific number in terms of weight or clothes, it’s way more about what I want my body to be able to do. I want to have good endurance and be strong and feel confident. None of those things are dependant on a number, they are way more dependent on consistency.

In addition to being pretty distracted about H, I got an email from Jenny last night asking why I hadn’t responded to her. I told her the truth: I needed time to think about what I wanted to say and then I forgot to respond because I got busy. I also told her that the reason I needed time to think is the stuff she wrote about Becca. I don’t know what to do with all of that. She says that she’s in “Becca rehab” but I have a hard time thinking that it’ll stick any more than it has before. I’m not ready to be good friends with her again. Email is one thing, but seeing her in person sounds like too much.

I’m also bothered by my performance at work lately. I don’t have enough to do right now and it’s kind of frustrating. Luckily I have all those papers I can read for that new grant, but it’s still not quite enough to keep my mind occupied. I can’t wait until we start working with the consultants – that should help things pick up. And then I’ll have to implement all their recommendations which will be a lot of work too. So I know it’ll change but it just feels bad to have a lull. I know, doesn’t seem like something I should be complaining about but it’s just so counter to the way that I operate.

I’m really worried about H. I hope it’s just stress. This is going to sound terrible, but part of me worries about what it’ll mean for me if it’s [health condition removed]. What will that mean for my newly admitted BDSM desires? And what will it mean for my ability to do life the way that I want? What will it mean for us financially? And if it’s something more fatal, what will that mean for my daughter? How can I do stuff to make sure she knows her dad? I know, I’m getting ahead of myself, but that’s what’s going through my brain right now. I wish I could turn it off for a bit.

Honestly, before I meditated and worked out, it was all that was going through my mind. The morning routine really calmed it down. I should keep that in mind.

Ok, have to shower and get ready for the day.

Journal: Weekly Plan

Last summer when Meredith and I were apart I came up with an idea to help her. She was really struggling with losing me, and with life in general. I wanted to still be able to take care of her as best I could. 

In order to take care of her I needed to know what was going on in her life. I also needed to give her tasks to do so she could serve me. It was important for her mentally to be able to do that. She loved it and started immediately. 

The post below was her first post which outlined my expectations for her. It was written as a personal journal post because we could not trust her husband not to find it. He always found her communication. Yet, it was for me to read. 

I want to share some of these, not all of them, so you can get a first hand view into how Meredith thought and felt about our relationship. I think it will add another perspective, and I hope you enjoy it. 

These are her words directly – only editing to change names and locations. 

—–

To help me feel good:

– 5x meditating

– 4x workout (yoga or 7 min)

– write in once a week how I’m feeling, my weight, my medication levels, how much I’m sleeping etc.

On TV

Some days it seems I will never get away from Meredith. Maybe I need to quit my job, and move to a foreign land with no TV or internet. Today I received an email from my boss. It was a forward of an email Meredith had sent to my boss and my boss’ boss about a local TV show she made an appearance to promote a fund raiser for her organization. Yeah. I got to watch her all bubbly for 10 minutes on a TV program, and then talk to all my coworkers about it. They were all so excited, and I had to act the same.

What was crazy is I could feel myself drop while I was watching it. I try so hard to be in control of myself and my emotions all the time, but there are some things you just can’t control. This was one of those times. I just crashed. Any work I had been doing was right out the door. Just sitting and thinking about her. Missing her. Not sure how my life is going to continue this way. Something has to give that will be bigger than just me not seeing her anymore. I need out of this job. Maybe this company.