Dyed Hair, Tattoos, and Piercings, part 2

Just a quick update here because I couldn’t believe this just happened. If you read my previous post you know how I feel about the above items. 

Today while I was at the gas station a car pulled up on the other side of the pump with a beautiful woman driving. She was probably 10 years my junior, but she was really beautiful so I let my eyes wander. She was wearing a simple t shirt a little loosely and her hair was done up in a high bun. The kind I really like that Meredith would do on a whim and my wife won’t do when I specifically ask her to. 

Then this woman steps out of the car and the first thing I notice is a shock of blue hair mixed up in the bun. I start to smile. She then heads off to the mini-mart attached to the gas station. As she walks away I first notice that she has nice tan legs with cute short shorts and low top converse. She’s very beautiful, and smartly if not casually dressed. But upon closer inspection I see a tattoo on her ankle running up to her calf on the inside of her left leg. Now I’m really smiling. 

When she returns from the mini-mart she walks within a few feet of me. I smile, she smiles back, and that’s when I see the nose ring. No shit! This cute little “girl next door” just hit all three of the items I mentioned in my previous post. I was smiling the whole way home thinking about her, and even now. 

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Dyed Hair, Tattoos, and Piercings 

My view of what is beautiful in a woman has started to change. This is probably a lasting impact of my time with Meredith. 

I used to wonder about women with brightly dyed hair, tattoos and strange piercings. Why would they do that to themselves? What is wrong with them? There had to be something wrong. They must be damaged, and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I liked normal and classic looks. 

Oh how times have changed. Meredith did not have tattoos, but she desperately wanted one. Not just any tattoo though. She really wanted me to decide on one for her. What it would be and where it would go. That is the submissive side of her. 

There was a struggle within her. A struggle between being seen as this wholesome pure woman, and having a dark sexual side. A dark side that I find absolutely beautiful. She needs to express that dark side, but still maintain her wholesome image. 

I think a lot of people struggle with this dilemma. That internal struggle between the way society wants us to be, and the way we feel we are. Sometimes it is sexual and sometimes it is not. We work hard to protect our image we want to project. We also look to find ways to express our darker side. 

Now when I see a beautiful woman who has a tattoo or a nose ring or a bright splash of green or pink in her hair I start to wonder. What is her internal struggle? Is it compatible with what I’m seeking, like Meredith’s was? I realize that these things may be done for a variety of reasons, but maybe it’s a signal of that internal struggle. Maybe there is a sexual deviant inside that mind. I know now that a person can be both wholesome and dark at once. 

I wonder especially when it comes to tattoos and piercings. Those are painful, and I would bet they are attractive to masochists. More so than the dyed hair. But even with the hair, what are you trying to project? What are you trying to tell me? I want to know. 

Unfortunately there seems to be no way to spot these qualities I seek in a woman by sight. How do you spot a beautiful masochistic submissive woman? Most of the time they are just the girl next door. Now I’ve found myself looking for these new markers, and finding them quite attractive. 

My favorite is the woman who still looks quite wholesome. She wears a sundress or skinny jeans with flats and a normal blouse. But on her shoulder or ankle you see a flash of a tattoo peeking out. Or perhaps a nose or eyebrow ring. Something small, and a little out of place, but clearly there. Clearly separating her, and possibly pointing to her internal struggle. Possibly trying to send a signal to someone. 

Is she looking for someone like me? Does she even know what she seeks? Has she found it already?

Meredith back at work?

The saga continues. My boss had lunch with Meredith this week. I learned from my boss that Meredith was considering coming back to work this next spring when her husband finishes residency. At first I assumed Meredith was just being nice. Then I learned she was only working part time right now. Perhaps this new gig isn’t going as well as planned. 

On the other hand she’s still married to H. Not sure what her plans are in reality. She plays it close to the vest. She may have only been telling my boss what she wanted them to hear to keep the relationship in good standing while pushing an actual decision far into the future. 

Of course I may be gone soon anyway. I have a final round job interview at another company next week. It’s not far away though, just over six blocks away. 

But it still makes me wonder. What is she thinking? How is she doing? Is her consideration for coming back to work here positively or negatively impacted by my presence? Had she assumed I would be gone by now?

*

My wife and I had a tough argument last night. Over something completely stupid. How it always is, right? Biggest fights over the dumbest things. In reality we just struggle to communicate. We both feel like we have to hold ourselves back, and we end up talking past each other. It’s really a struggle. For me it seems every time I open my mouth I’m offending her. We never get to root causes on anything. 

My wife now wonders why I married her in the first place. Fifteen years ago we were different people. Nothing can change the past. We can only focus on our future. I sometimes wonder why I married her too, but 15 years ago it was crystal clear. That’s that. 

One thing we discussed was counseling. I feel that my wife had again put other things ahead of our relationship. It’s always something. Many weeks later we still haven’t even been able to sit down and discuss which counselor would work for both of us. 

One idea I really liked was writing each other notes. On a podcast we listened to there was this idea of opening special email accounts just for notes to each other. I think that would work wonders for me in being able to express to her what’s going on in my mind without her hyperventilating. But we can’t do it. My wife sucks at checking email. She’s like a week behind on it and she hates it. She wants people to just tell her things. Again, we are very different. 

Coffee with My Boss

My boss met with Meredith for coffee. I knew this was coming, but I did not know when. It was today. 

My boss came into the conference room and told the team “Meredith says Hi to everyone!” And that was it. She looked at me while she said it. There were no follow up details. 

There was so much I wanted to ask her, but I was caught off guard. I just smiled and said that’s nice to hear. But I wanted to ask how she was doing? Did she look well? Did she ask about me? IS SHE COMING BACK HERE TO WORK??? (Fairly certain that one is No). 

It’s risky to ask any for these. At some point my boss would start to wonder why I don’t just ask her myself. She knows we were close. What would I say to that? I can’t exactly tell her we are not communicating. And I certainly can’t tell her why. 

But I still want to know. I’m sure Meredith is thinking about me today. Just as I am with her. Meeting with my boss had to bring back memories. She probably had to argue with her husband to even do coffee for fear that she would meet up with me. 

I do start to wonder though. Is she over it? Did she move on. I try to remember the details of our last call. Was she upset? Did she have the same heartbreaking view of our situation? I don’t remember. I can’t recall. Perhaps I was blinded by lust. 

Journal: You

The last post from Meredith – which I’ve already written about. It was written almost two months after the one before it. There has been nothing since. The distance between us brought her to a place where she could let me go. She has let me go. It may not have been easy, but she has to do it for her family. She will always be a part of my history, and I will always be a part of hers. 

I miss you Meredith. 

*****

https://apatientman.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/you/

Journal: Residency

Anger. Meredith is angry about the system of residency for doctors. It is a fucked up misogynistic system that cares nothing for significant others. Her anger is directed toward that system and all the “help” she found about it. 

But really her anger is much deeper. Angry that she’s in this situation at all. That she is married to a man who doesn’t understand her. That she will never get the life she wants because when all this waiting is done, only then can she even begin to salvage her marriage. Everything she is reading tells her that she needs to give all to her husband at a time when she isn’t sure she even wants to be married to him. How is she able to force the conversation with him when she’s supposed to do everything for him? To keep him from having more stress? It’s that double negative that is crushing her spirit. 

As she said, this is bullshit.   

*****

I just looked up articles about being the spouse of a resident.

Barf.

Why am I not allowed to be upset?

Why is the expectation that I will lower my expectations so I’m never disappointed?
Why is the advice to pray and allow god to fill me up?

Why am I constantly reminded to think about how H must be feeling and how his heart is with us even when he isn’t?

Why are their COUNTLESS people suggesting that I should give up whatever is making me insane? What if it’s residency making me insane?

What the actual fuck?

So the advice is that I’m supposed to just give and give and give and give as much as I can. I’m supposed to have zero expectations. Be super understanding of what H is experiencing. And just know that it’ll be over soon? Seriously? That’s the advice. No. This is a fucked up system. I barely know my husband any more. I don’t see him. We talk about only the things that are necessary to make our lives work. I am drowning and no one is throwing me a fucking life vest. They’re just pointing out that I’ll only be drowning a little longer. And shouldn’t I expect the water to be this cold? And shouldn’t I expect that the life vest will show up as often as it can? Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

And yes, getting friends sounds great. With what spare time should I do that? And oh, by the way, you definitely shouldn’t complain to these friends because you should only put your husband in the best light possible.

And please make sure your husband gets plenty of sleep. That’s really important.

I’m so furious. I went out looking for help and all I got were a bunch of 1950’s housewife magazine peddling the same damaging bullshit.

You know what? I feel like I deserve to have high expectations. I am actually worth more than that. I shouldn’t have to wait until some arbitrary date when I’m suddenly allowed to have a decent life again. I shouldn’t just be ok with being alone all the time and hardly seeing my husband. That’s not normal. It’s not fucking normal. I will not feel ok about it. And I especially won’t feel happy about it. And don’t tell me that I need to pray about God is going to come wave some dumb magic wand and fix this. God treasures me. Fucking treasures me. And God treasures H and our family. God may help us work through this but it’s not going to be in some ridiculous reductionist understanding wherein I pray hard and then magically I see that I can just choose to be happy.

This is fucking bullshit.

Journal: Truth

Meredith was not doing well here. She really opened up about her own marriage. My heart breaks for her. 

*****

Things are not going well for me right now.

H is on his third week of nights since Christmas and I’m tired. I’m not eating well, I’m not taking care of myself. The only time that I really could exercise is first thing in the morning but I’m so tired I can’t get out of bed. I feel alone and stuck in all areas of my life. I parent mostly alone. I work mostly alone. Most of my conversations with H feel like I’m counseling him on how to deal with his emotions. I don’t know what I’m getting out of the relationship except stability which I guess is nice but mostly doesn’t feel like enough. I’m to the point at work where I need help with the parts that I’m not good at like selling. And no one is there to help me. I’m being as strategic as I can but I have so little support it’s hard. Mostly I just feel so alone. 

And I’m embarrassed that I told so much of this to Dave today. He is our pastor and a good listener and also a friend of H’s so that’s good because it’s not swaying him against H or anything. But it just feels inappropriate to talk about. Like I’m supposed to keep all this inside and be grateful that H is so amazing. He’s working so hard to become emotionally intelligent. He’s a doctor. He’s funny. He’s musical. Yes, I know all of that. But he doesn’t really have time to support me. And even if he did, I’m not sure he knows how. 

What I told Dave is true. If H has a thing come up with his schedule I flex and figure it out. If I have a thing come up mostly I have to arrange for my parents to watch my daughter. It’s not reciprocal. And I can’t live like this much longer. I can’t continue to give all the parts of me to other people and not have any time to keep parts for myself. I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like part of me is dying and I don’t know how to get it back. I feel so stuck in my life.

And so what are my options? Leave him? What will he do without someone taking care of him? He will eat shitty food and not see his daughter enough and probably have a bad rest of residency.

Quit my job? To what end? I can devote everything to my family but then I will literally have no ability to leave because I’ll be financially dependent. Plus I’ll become resentful that the one area where I felt like I could make a difference is gone.

I don’t see a way I can move forward. I feel stuck. I feel like I played all my cards. And like the house keeps winning.

I’m so tired.