Something is changing in me emotionally. It’s a good thing. I’ve been working on it for weeks, but I finally feel it start to kick in. Emotions are not easy to control I will tell you that. They have their own timeframe. I finally feel that my relationship with Sydney is fading. I don’t pine for her.
It started this past weekend. The thoughts of how I dodged a bullet with her started to cross my mind. This could have been so much worse. As far as affairs go this one was mild. Thankfully her cross of narcissism and crazy made sure that we never actually achieved a sexual relationship. It may be the new helpful articles I’ve been reading on how to deal with a narcissistic relationship. The more I read, the more she fits the bill, the more the authors’ recommendations are actually working!
I will say that I do still pine for her sexually. I don’t know how to stop that. When I think of her, when I see her, my mind goes there. I can’t stop it. Then I sink into this low feeling of wishing it would’ve happened, wondering what I could’ve done differently to get there, and what I can do now to get there still.
But then another part of me starts to take over saying “Whoa buddy, you don’t want any part of that.” Which is true. I think to myself “oh yeah, you’re right.” I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s a battle in my head, but the sane side is finally winning.
I haven’t reached out to her since last week. She actually was very open to me about how she felt on Thursday morning. It felt good. Pulled me back in. Then she had a work emergency Thursday afternoon, and I was reminded that I am nothing to her. After that she went on vacation Friday with her boyfriend to another city a few hours away. I never heard another message from her all weekend or even Monday morning. No apology for ditching me. Nothing.
Over the weekend I could feel my thoughts changing. You don’t treat people that way if you care. She does not care. She is all words and no action.
Tuesday she did reach out to me to go to coffee. That is unique. She doesn’t usually do that. I declined. I have busy Tuesday mornings. I did not offer to reschedule. Just moving on.
You know Gottman says you need five positive interactions for every negative one in a healthy relationship. By my count we have a very negative score. She will need to ask for about three dozen more coffees just to get to even. It won’t happen. I won’t accept.
There are times though when she says things that just set me off. I’m not sure how to describe it, but she will say something that just causes my stomach to turn and my head to become light. It’s always an off-hand comment that I wasn’t expecting. Today I asked if we could review a document for work, and she asked to delay to tomorrow as she was working from home. It was just that simple phrase. But a million thoughts rushed through my mind causing me to feel light-headed and physically ill.
You see when I was leaving yesterday I had just sent her the document, and she asked if we could review it today. Then she stopped and asked if I would be working from home (a common occurrence this particular day of the week). I said no, I could come in. I thought it would be a good time to sit and review with her since so many others would be out. Then she ends up staying home! On top of that my employee had planned on coming in today, but changed his plans this morning to work from home. The same employee I have been worrying about being in a relationship with Sydney. Then Sydney declined doing video chat to review the document today. It was all so sketchy and all of it racing through my mind instantly.
I don’t know how to make that stop. I know I need to feel the emotions. To acknowledge them. Allow them to wash over me. Then take an action and move on. Moving on should include continuing the path I am on of realizing I dodged a bullet. Stop caring about her or what she thinks or who she is seeing. I know she is bad medicine. Regardless of what she wraps her story in, but it’s still very difficult.
I found myself wondering today if I’m even strong enough to do this. Can I stay in my current job with her there? I don’t know. I’m really not sure. When something stupid like this sets me off I’m not sure. I need to spend time reading and meditating. Reading will help me gain the knowledge and confidence on how to move forward. Meditation will allow me to refocus my mind on what’s important. It will help me wash away those persistent thoughts of Sydney. She’s not my future, and she should not be any part of my life or thoughts.