Sydney Update

Sydney got an offer from another company. It sounds like she’ll be leaving my company at the end of the year. I could not be more happy. She feels like this blight on my life, and it will be nice to wash her away. She keeps mentioning the new company is less than a mile away, like we might meet for drinks or something. Fat chance. When she’s gone I’m done.

Even from a work perspective she is just getting to be too much. Constantly complaining about her job, her boss, the company. It’s possible I have rose colored glasses, but she clearly has negative glasses. Everything is wrong. Nothing is good. If something could be taken to a horrible extreme she does. Then she gets mad when I argue against her. Frankly I don’t need that negativity in my life.

The teamwork we used to have has ended too. She doesn’t have time. Oh well. Sianara Sydney!!

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Can’t get away from Sydney

I’m really frustrated this morning, and need to get some words down to clear my mind. We had a halloween party at work and Sydney was being nice, even a little flirty with me. It was strange. I was not engaging, but she kept showing up. At the after party I saw Alex (my employee) hanging out with her. Uh, what? Maybe she was hanging around me simply because Alex was also near me.

In fact Alex kept dissappearing for periods during our halloween party when we needed him, and I’m fairly certain he left to get high with Sydney and one of her other friends. I can’t prove any of that of course, and Sydney hardly shares anything with me these days.

Then a week later my boss says to me “I just saw Sydney and Alex getting coffee together.” Come again? This is getting pretty serious.

The next day I’m working with her on a project, and I’m asking for requirements because I need to get the priority, and she accuses me of not supporting her anymore, and showing my “true colors”. What the hell?

Now this morning I’m chatting with another employee on the larger team about their weekend, and they tell me that on Friday they were here late “hanging out with Sydney and Alex while waiting to hear news about my dog from my husband.” Apparently their dog was at the vet. Clearly nothing going on with Sydney and Alex right??

My mind is going crazy. She told me straight up not to worry about her and Alex, but now it’s clear there is something going on. I’m really worried. This is not good. On one hand I can tell there is a jealousy component that I SHOULD NOT HAVE ABOUT MY EMPLOYEE!!! On the other hand Sydney knows some shit, and bedroom talk is a real thing.

First I need to clear up our working relationship. She needs to not be stupid when it comes to my need to prioritize work. Of course the real problem is that I have a million other projects, and she doesn’t care. It’s 100% support her or I’m not on her team anymore. I hate that bullshit, but it’s just like how our relationship ended. She had no empathy or understanding for anyone but herself.

This sucks. I’m really not sure what to do here. I need to talk to her, but about what? “I want you to stop seeing my employee.” Yeah, that will work out great. She already lies to me and tells me she doesn’t. In fact she tells me two things: you can’t tell me who I can be friends with; and he’s not my type. To the first that is true but I have a unique working relationship with him and a little discretion on her part isn’t much to ask. To the second it’s easy to lie about.

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Update: I wrote that serbtal weeks ago. I just haven’t had energy to finish it. Much has happened since then and I don’t care what Sydney does it does not do anymore. I’m moving my own life forward.

Sydney Engaged

Sydney reached out to me today. I think we last spoke a couple of Friday’s ago. It’s been awhile. I’ve been working really hard on not thinking about her in any personal capacity. About not caring about her sexual life. I was doing really well.

Then she reaches out. I think maybe it’s a nice note from her to apologize for how she treated me. Nope. It’s about her. Again. She asked how I was. I said I was good, and out of politeness asked how she was. She said “Great! [my boyfriend] proposed to me yesterday.”

Just like that those feelings hit me again. I could feel my stomach turn, and my arms and legs get weak. The physical response still amazes me. My brain is now hardly able to function on my work. I’m hoping writing this all out will help me absorb, and move on.

I replied “Congratulations.” and left it at that. I don’t know why she told me. Maybe she felt an obligation. Maybe she thinks I actually should care. Maybe she is trying to make me feel even worse about things. I mean a narcissist sees the world very differently. I thought I made it obvious I don’t want to be part of her life anymore. Why go out of your way to tell me?

No matter. I’ll role through this, and keep moving on. She’s a bad person. She’s my past. Life lessons. Move on.

Did Meredith Lie?

Recently a strange thought entered my mind. Did Meredith lie about her husband knowing of the affair? At the time I just took it for granted that she was telling me the truth, and to be honest I have no reason not to believe her. But what if that is wrong? What if she made up all those stories in order to end things?

Well I guess it didn’t actually work very well as he found out pretty early, and we continued to fool around for awhile after.

I still question how he found his way into things. There is just no way he should’ve known certain passwords, etc. He is either a sleuth Mastermind, Meredith somehow gave our secrets away, or it was all made up. The last point is new. I used to just deliberate on the first two.

The other day I was daydreaming about Meredith and how someday we could possibly be together again in an open arrangement. This time with all parties involved. For that to happen Claire would need to contact Meredith’s husband. What if he didn’t actually know what I was told he did? Wouldn’t that be horribly awkward?

Frankly I don’t think she was lying to me, but it is making me replay all the events from my past. Like a mystery, trying to replay past scenes again. How did this happen? Did I infer what happened? Was there any actual proof? I mean other then the fact that I no longer see her.

The mind is a funny thing. Always playing tricks on us.

Paranoia

Last Friday was just a weird day. I got in a bit late, and my boss was there. She wanted to run out and grab a birthday card for another coworker, and I went with her. Of course she wanted to go to the little store/coffee shop that Sydney frequents on her way into work. We ran right into her. It was awkward.

That got me thinking about her for the rest of the day. Lunch came around, and I was going to go with whomever was around still. One group had already left, but my employee (whom I’ll call Alex) was still here. I had to wrap up one thing, then I was going to see if he wanted to go. Right as I was finishing he started walking out. Strangely he was staring at some text messages on his phone as he left, and he did not ask me to go with him. My paranoia shot up. I checked our work messaging app, and Syndey was not online. Crap. He was meeting her.

Then I did what I really shouldn’t have done. I left for lunch, too. It wasn’t odd to go to lunch then, but I knew that I was really doing it to see if they were secretly meeting up. I was about 100 yards behind Alex, and it was loud outside. I would’ve had to run to catch up with him.

We left the building. Still no Sydney. But I knew her usual meet up spots. We made it past spot #1, still no Sydney. Spot #2 still no Sydney. Then as we were crossing a large parking lot I glanced over to look for traffic as I navigated between cars, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her. Sydney was walking BACK from lunch with one of her coworkers.

She would’ve just passed Alex. They maybe said hello, but not much more in that short time frame. She was with a coworker. My suspicions were, as usual, incorrect. I know I’m being paranoid. However, she was walking on the far side of the parking lot. Do you think she was avoiding me or was it just random? I didn’t know.

Later I had a meeting with her about work. Since it was just the two of us it did get personal. Turns out she did see me in the parking lot, and her coworker was apparently waving at me (I didn’t see this). She thought I was ignoring her. I mean I guess kind of. I didn’t ever look at her directly, and was sort of shocked to see her.

All this paranoia about who she IS with, and I can tell you it is not the coworkers on her team. She is the only woman on the team, but except for her boss (who she hates) they all prefer men. It is possible she is seeing her boss. I wouldn’t put it past her. She hated him, but then she did say a few weeks ago that things have started to work out. The timing does line up, but it still seems like a long shot. And their days off don’t seem to match. But why do I care? Why am I being so paranoid? Make these thoughts stop!

During our meeting she asked if I hated her. She asked if I thought she was a good person. I told her I really shouldn’t answer those questions. She said I was avoiding her (so she noticed). I told her I wasn’t avoiding her so much as just not engaging with her. Example: If she were walking down the road I wouldn’t jump to the other side, but I’m also not going to ask her to go for a walk.

It turns out I just don’t trust anything she says anymore. We did bump into each other during the Friday happy hour at work. I needed to meet the new employee on her team, so it wasn’t totally random. Afterwards she text me “Thank you for being you.” and “You’re a good man.” What the hell does that mean? Frankly I told her I don’t trust anything she says, and I can’t tell if she’s texting me because it’s how she feels or because she’s trying to manipulate me. Her actions undercut her words.

It was a long day. It ended there though. I told her I can’t trust anything she says. Have not spoken with her since.

Avoiding Sydney

Sydney has been testing me this week, but I’ve held my ground. Yesterday she messaged to ask if she could meet with me about a project we are working on together. Most of the work I need to do, and have not done yet. I told her that, but said if she really wants to meet she can set something up – my calendar is up to date. She said she would. She never did. If it was important to her for work you can bet she would’ve set it up, but she was just testing me to see if she could soften me. It didn’t work.

Then today she tried again. She received feedback on our project, and shared it with me. I responded that it was great news. She replied that it was nice that the work was finally getting recognition. I switched to messaging, and told her she should be proud of the work, because I know she was getting discouraged. My words were in a co-worker/boss tone. Then I asked if her boss had seen it. She forwarded me his response which was positive. I told Sydney that she did a good job. She said “That means a lot coming from you.” Insert eye roll. Trying to be all nice and suck up. I never responded.

Later in the afternoon she sent me another message about a positive development on a related project. Ironically I had just been discussing this other project with a co-worker at lunch. I told Sydney it was great news, and briefly about my lunch conversation. The addition of the lunch conversation may have also been a dig at Sydney since I previously told her I do not want to get lunch with her anymore. She responded with an enthusiastic thank you, and told me a couple of the complicated details of the project. I never responded. Not getting sucked in.

Many hours later she reached out again. Sydney rarely initiates conversations which made this stand out. She is always “too busy.” This time she was asking if she could walk to the bus with me. Last week I explicitly told her I do not want to walk to the bus anymore with her. Of course she would ask – to test my resolve. I told her it was a busy day, and I needed some downtime. But I would be in the office tomorrow if she wanted to meet. She never responded. Message received.

I’m through with her. She’s so manipulative. I’m sticking to my work. Work work work. Act like a manager and treat her like an aspiring junior employee. Keep it positive between the whistles. Then completely ignore her outside of work. I don’t need to teach her relationship lessons. I don’t need to be careful of her needs. I need to get her out of my head, and out of my life. I’m very proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished the last week.

I haven’t physically seen her since our meeting Thursday morning where we only talked about work. At one point she tried to go deeper saying I looked tense or something, but I dropped my keyboard and used it as an excuse to ignore her comment and move things back to work. She never tried again. When things were done I left abruptly and walked out.

My son was sick on Friday, and I didn’t go into the office. She never asked about it or how I was doing. Shocking. Now she is trying to smooth things over with her little games. I’m not falling for them anymore. She’s a manipulative woman, and I don’t need that in my life. In any capacity.

Dodging a Bullet

Something is changing in me emotionally. It’s a good thing. I’ve been working on it for weeks, but I finally feel it start to kick in. Emotions are not easy to control I will tell you that. They have their own timeframe. I finally feel that my relationship with Sydney is fading. I don’t pine for her.

It started this past weekend. The thoughts of how I dodged a bullet with her started to cross my mind. This could have been so much worse. As far as affairs go this one was mild. Thankfully her cross of narcissism and crazy made sure that we never actually achieved a sexual relationship. It may be the new helpful articles I’ve been reading on how to deal with a narcissistic relationship. The more I read, the more she fits the bill, the more the authors’ recommendations are actually working!

I will say that I do still pine for her sexually. I don’t know how to stop that. When I think of her, when I see her, my mind goes there. I can’t stop it. Then I sink into this low feeling of wishing it would’ve happened, wondering what I could’ve done differently to get there, and what I can do now to get there still.

But then another part of me starts to take over saying “Whoa buddy, you don’t want any part of that.” Which is true. I think to myself “oh yeah, you’re right.” I don’t know what is wrong with me. It’s a battle in my head, but the sane side is finally winning.

I haven’t reached out to her since last week. She actually was very open to me about how she felt on Thursday morning. It felt good. Pulled me back in. Then she had a work emergency Thursday afternoon, and I was reminded that I am nothing to her. After that she went on vacation Friday with her boyfriend to another city a few hours away. I never heard another message from her all weekend or even Monday morning. No apology for ditching me. Nothing.

Over the weekend I could feel my thoughts changing. You don’t treat people that way if you care. She does not care. She is all words and no action.

Tuesday she did reach out to me to go to coffee. That is unique. She doesn’t usually do that. I declined. I have busy Tuesday mornings. I did not offer to reschedule. Just moving on.

You know Gottman says you need five positive interactions for every negative one in a healthy relationship. By my count we have a very negative score. She will need to ask for about three dozen more coffees just to get to even. It won’t happen. I won’t accept.

There are times though when she says things that just set me off. I’m not sure how to describe it, but she will say something that just causes my stomach to turn and my head to become light. It’s always an off-hand comment that I wasn’t expecting. Today I asked if we could review a document for work, and she asked to delay to tomorrow as she was working from home. It was just that simple phrase. But a million thoughts rushed through my mind causing me to feel light-headed and physically ill.

You see when I was leaving yesterday I had just sent her the document, and she asked if we could review it today. Then she stopped and asked if I would be working from home (a common occurrence this particular day of the week). I said no, I could come in. I thought it would be a good time to sit and review with her since so many others would be out. Then she ends up staying home! On top of that my employee had planned on coming in today, but changed his plans this morning to work from home. The same employee I have been worrying about being in a relationship with Sydney. Then Sydney declined doing video chat to review the document today. It was all so sketchy and all of it racing through my mind instantly.

I don’t know how to make that stop. I know I need to feel the emotions. To acknowledge them. Allow them to wash over me. Then take an action and move on. Moving on should include continuing the path I am on of realizing I dodged a bullet. Stop caring about her or what she thinks or who she is seeing. I know she is bad medicine. Regardless of what she wraps her story in, but it’s still very difficult.

I found myself wondering today if I’m even strong enough to do this. Can I stay in my current job with her there? I don’t know. I’m really not sure. When something stupid like this sets me off I’m not sure. I need to spend time reading and meditating. Reading will help me gain the knowledge and confidence on how to move forward. Meditation will allow me to refocus my mind on what’s important. It will help me wash away those persistent thoughts of Sydney. She’s not my future, and she should not be any part of my life or thoughts.