Spring Forward

Good news to share! Sydney has left the company. It finally happened. She was out for four weeks on jury duty then returned for a week and now gone.

She became very friendly with me the last week. Nearly like old times. Which could mean that her mean treatment toward me was impacted by the stress of her job.

After she left it was quiet for several days. Then all of a sudden she reached out. At first it was light hearted about what she was doing. I was engaging, but at a minimal level.

Then she got serious, and apologized for how she treated me. Yes. Now. After she has left and I will likely never see her again she finally realizes she was out of line, and needs to apologize. Months too late.

It caught me off guard. What am I supposed to do with that? What is she expecting? I actually sat down, got serious and asked her that. She said she missed how we used to be. She wanted us to remain friends and confidants. Finally I told her that I don’t think it’s a good idea for multiple reasons.

First, I probably shouldn’t be talking to her anyway. Second, the way she treated me hurt and I’m still dealing with it. I don’t think I could trust her again, and certainly not now that we are not going to see each other. It was too late. She should have fixed this months ago.

She reiterated that she was wrong for how she treated me, and I explained to her just how awful that experience was for me. I told her frankly I never expected to hear from her again. To which she said she would work to earn my trust back. But how? It’s too late.

I haven’t officially told her that we are through, but we clearly are. I haven’t said a peep since our last conversation. Just nothing. Maybe that’s best.

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Who Has Affairs

I used to believe there was a type of person who had affairs. As if the personality of the person could indicate whether they were wired toward cheating. That most of us are immune to such things because we have integrity.

I had integrity. Right up until the minute I crossed my own boundaries.

It turns out many people end up in this same boat. People who could never see themselves as a cheater, yet it happens to them anyway. Generally they are not serial cheaters, and possibly have been faithful for a decade or more. It comes as a surprise to even themselves that they are capable of such a horrendous act.

I believe now that we are all cheaters. Every one of us. Given the right set of circumstances I believe any of us would have an affair. Most people don’t believe me because they haven’t had the circumstance present itself. Fortunately those circumstances don’t come around too often.

Believe it or not we humans are not as in control of ourselves as we think. Our emotions fluctuate quite rapidly at times, and they have more control over our behavior than we’d like to admit. Just think of the word ‘hangry’. Body controls our mood which controls our actions.

On top of that, sex is one of the largest driving forces of nature and our bodies. It can be very hard to resist. Nearly everything we do is driven by sex and desire. Our minds will bend facts, logic and truth to search out sex.

For any individual person the circumstances will be different, but if they manifest then I believe we are all capable of having an affair. To me it doesn’t matter the moral compass of the individual. It doesn’t matter the length of time of faithfulness. It doesn’t matter the appearance of integrity. All of those can be undone by forces stronger than any mere mortal.

We all are either recovering from an affair, in an affair, or pending an affair. Let’s not be so hard on each other. Life is hard. Relationships are hard.

My Love For Meredith

It is a never ending love. The more time marches on I continue to love her the same. Being apart isn’t as painful as it once was. I have more clarity about the situation. But the way I feel about her remains the same. I don’t think it will ever fade, and I don’t know why it should.

Last night I got stuck thinking of her. She was such a lovely woman. I wondered how she was doing. I looked up her public profile, which she rarely updates, and found a new photo. She is so lovely. She has lost some weight. That’s really good for her. Clearly feeling better. I’m happy that she is happy.

I miss her so much. I’m very sad she isn’t in my life any more. I know I must love her from afar, and that no one around me wants to hear about it. It’s just for me to know.

Yet I dream of her. I dream of a different future. One where we stay where we are, but can be friends and lovers again. It makes me happy to think about. A world open to possibilities beyond the bounds of traditional marriage.

I wonder how much she thinks of me. Maybe this is all one sided. It’s impossible to know how someone else truly feels. Maybe she only sees me as a mistake she survived. Or maybe she is in her city thinking of me. Pining for a love that is never meant to be.

February Sydney Update

The Sydney chapter is coming to an end. In its own stage way.

January was a busy month at work, and I didn’t see much of her. I finally messaged her, and she said she was out on jury duty going on four weeks. Then she said her last day at our company was March 1st. Odd.

I haven’t heard from her since. That was over a week ago. So strange. She just disappeared.

It is an enormous relief knowing she is finally leaving. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen. Now I can remove that stress from my life and move on.

Sydney Update

Sydney got an offer from another company. It sounds like she’ll be leaving my company at the end of the year. I could not be more happy. She feels like this blight on my life, and it will be nice to wash her away. She keeps mentioning the new company is less than a mile away, like we might meet for drinks or something. Fat chance. When she’s gone I’m done.

Even from a work perspective she is just getting to be too much. Constantly complaining about her job, her boss, the company. It’s possible I have rose colored glasses, but she clearly has negative glasses. Everything is wrong. Nothing is good. If something could be taken to a horrible extreme she does. Then she gets mad when I argue against her. Frankly I don’t need that negativity in my life.

The teamwork we used to have has ended too. She doesn’t have time. Oh well. Sianara Sydney!!

Can’t get away from Sydney

I’m really frustrated this morning, and need to get some words down to clear my mind. We had a halloween party at work and Sydney was being nice, even a little flirty with me. It was strange. I was not engaging, but she kept showing up. At the after party I saw Alex (my employee) hanging out with her. Uh, what? Maybe she was hanging around me simply because Alex was also near me.

In fact Alex kept dissappearing for periods during our halloween party when we needed him, and I’m fairly certain he left to get high with Sydney and one of her other friends. I can’t prove any of that of course, and Sydney hardly shares anything with me these days.

Then a week later my boss says to me “I just saw Sydney and Alex getting coffee together.” Come again? This is getting pretty serious.

The next day I’m working with her on a project, and I’m asking for requirements because I need to get the priority, and she accuses me of not supporting her anymore, and showing my “true colors”. What the hell?

Now this morning I’m chatting with another employee on the larger team about their weekend, and they tell me that on Friday they were here late “hanging out with Sydney and Alex while waiting to hear news about my dog from my husband.” Apparently their dog was at the vet. Clearly nothing going on with Sydney and Alex right??

My mind is going crazy. She told me straight up not to worry about her and Alex, but now it’s clear there is something going on. I’m really worried. This is not good. On one hand I can tell there is a jealousy component that I SHOULD NOT HAVE ABOUT MY EMPLOYEE!!! On the other hand Sydney knows some shit, and bedroom talk is a real thing.

First I need to clear up our working relationship. She needs to not be stupid when it comes to my need to prioritize work. Of course the real problem is that I have a million other projects, and she doesn’t care. It’s 100% support her or I’m not on her team anymore. I hate that bullshit, but it’s just like how our relationship ended. She had no empathy or understanding for anyone but herself.

This sucks. I’m really not sure what to do here. I need to talk to her, but about what? “I want you to stop seeing my employee.” Yeah, that will work out great. She already lies to me and tells me she doesn’t. In fact she tells me two things: you can’t tell me who I can be friends with; and he’s not my type. To the first that is true but I have a unique working relationship with him and a little discretion on her part isn’t much to ask. To the second it’s easy to lie about.

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Update: I wrote that serbtal weeks ago. I just haven’t had energy to finish it. Much has happened since then and I don’t care what Sydney does it does not do anymore. I’m moving my own life forward.

Sydney Engaged

Sydney reached out to me today. I think we last spoke a couple of Friday’s ago. It’s been awhile. I’ve been working really hard on not thinking about her in any personal capacity. About not caring about her sexual life. I was doing really well.

Then she reaches out. I think maybe it’s a nice note from her to apologize for how she treated me. Nope. It’s about her. Again. She asked how I was. I said I was good, and out of politeness asked how she was. She said “Great! [my boyfriend] proposed to me yesterday.”

Just like that those feelings hit me again. I could feel my stomach turn, and my arms and legs get weak. The physical response still amazes me. My brain is now hardly able to function on my work. I’m hoping writing this all out will help me absorb, and move on.

I replied “Congratulations.” and left it at that. I don’t know why she told me. Maybe she felt an obligation. Maybe she thinks I actually should care. Maybe she is trying to make me feel even worse about things. I mean a narcissist sees the world very differently. I thought I made it obvious I don’t want to be part of her life anymore. Why go out of your way to tell me?

No matter. I’ll role through this, and keep moving on. She’s a bad person. She’s my past. Life lessons. Move on.