A Long Day

The day started with a kiss from Claire. It was nice. We had a slow easy start, and the kids were happy. I got out the door a little late, but still one of the first to work.

About thirty minutes in I left to meet Sydney in our secret location in the city. She didn’t have a lot of time, but we both look forward to this time together in the morning. Previously she said she wanted to scale back the physical side of our relationship, but I don’t think that’s totally true. I texted her in the morning, and said I was feeling very good and wanted to hold her and feel her body against mine. She agreed.

Rather than meet at the tables to talk first, we went down to the stairwell directly. A couple of hellos and then we embraced. It was very nice. We looked at each other, and I asked if I could kiss her. She said yes. It was a good start to the morning.

We went to lunch later at a fancy ramen place together. We talked a lot. Over many subjects. It was easy and enjoyable.

Our company hosted a big happy hour in honor of a project I’ve been leading. Normally Sydney wouldn’t attend, but she did specifically for me. We had a good time mingling all around the happy hour. I have really honed my networking skills. I float around and get face time with everyone. Totally draining for an introvert, but all part of the job.

This time though Sydney was with me. We hung out a lot through the happy hour. Eventually sitting and talking at a table with others. Our legs would brush together, and every now and then a hand hold. It was sweet. Like high school. It was getting close to time to go, and we both ran upstairs to get our stuff. On the way up I got a little handsy and stole a kiss. She loved it.

Back downstairs with the group I sat waiting for my wife to show up so we could go out to dinner in the city. Sort of a novelty for us these days of suburban life with two kids. Claire was running late. She is always late. Another thing that can drive me crazy about her. Eventually she showed up, and I met her at the car and off we went.

It was a special occasion for us so we went to a very nice restaurant. I mean very nice. It’s a French place. I knew my wife would like it because it had an option for a chef’s menu paired with wines. We had done something similar in France, and she enjoyed it immensely.

We spent a lot of money and a long time at the restaurant, but had a great time. There was a lot of snuggling, kisses and great food and wine. It was a full five course meal with premium wines brought out by the sommelier.

After dinner we were both a little tipsy and Claire was really frisky. We spent some time walking around the city as it was a pleasant evening, and Claire was dressed up quite beautifully. Eventually ending on a bench near some shops, but everything was closed. We made out a bit until we noticed the security camera near us. Mood killer.

The way home was eventful as well. I started undoing her buttons on her dress and slid the skirt up. Using my hands to tease her. She was really enjoying the attention and the exhibitionism of it all. Something that would’ve never happened in our past life.

When we were closer to home I had her pull over so we could switch. She ripped her dress off leaving only a beautiful matching lingerie set on. Then she maneuvered herself into position to please me. It was a fun and short drive home.

We spent over an hour having really intense crazy sex at home late into the night. No kids to worry about made it quite interesting. I won’t bore you with all the details. The night ended well.

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Sydney Heartbreak

Apparently she really wants to work things out with her boyfriend. Things have been going well the last couple weeks for them. He’s accepting her proposals for things like BDSM and what not. She sees a future with him. They are talking now of getting married and having kids. Not right away, but the possibility. Good for them.

Where does that leave me? Out of the picture. She claims she doesn’t want that. She just wants to scale back. She is having a hard time reconciling the way she feels about me with the risks of a future with me. I’m not safe. Even though we have an incredible connection she wants to make her life choice on what’s less risky. In other words she is rejecting me.

Sydney wants to stay focused on the here and now when we are together. Enjoy our time together while we have it. Don’t think about the future because she doesn’t see one. But that is hard for me. It’s very draining. However I don’t want to leave her either. Being around her makes me happy.

It’s funny she didn’t even want kids before meeting me or BDSM. Now she just doesn’t want my kids or to be in a BDSM relationship with me. She loves the way I make her feel and open her eyes to things but it’s not enough.

It’s possible she isn’t really making any decisions and it’s just a matter of time. Kind of like when you are dating someone you don’t jump straight to marriage. Maybe over time she will see more clearly how we fit together and change her mind. We are sort of dating.

Right now it hurts. I know some sort of a future with her was a long shot, but now it is zero. Not a simple zero, but one where she still wants me around all the time. Yet in secret because, you know, she has a boyfriend. What does that make me? Just a fun thing on the side? I don’t want that long term.

Frankly I told her if things turn south with my wife then this won’t be enough for me. I need an open and physical relationship with her. She knows we have a crazy romantic attraction, and she wants to have sex with me intensely. But she also wants us to not go there, and avoid situations where we might end up having sex. She does not trust herself to say no in the moment.

Back to my other life, there is no woman waiting in the wings for me. I have a lover who I don’t have sex with, and doesn’t want a future with me. I have a marriage going down quickly. On the one hand I’m glad I don’t have someone directly to fall into the arms of. This is a decision I should make for myself. On the other hand it was kind of a blow to the gut.

Just a Sucker With No Self Esteem

It’s possible this embodies my relationships with Meredith and Sydney. My inability to stop them is obvious even to me. A weakness.

Late at night, she knocks on my door

She’s drunk again and looking to score

Now I know I should say no

But it’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go

I may be dumb, but I’m not a dweeb

I’m just a sucker with no self-esteem

I mean she doesn’t come to my door drunk, but I see her everyday at work and she definitely wants to score. I do know I should say no, but I seem to have no ability or even desire to resist her.

Perhaps I have some serious self esteem issues. Because one affair could be an anomaly right? But two? There is something else there. Why though did it take this many years for it to happen? Was it me? Was my relationship with Claire better at some point in the past? Maybe I’ve finally become desirable? I don’t know.

Why can’t I just follow the rules and ditch her? Why am I drawn to her like a moth to a flame? When I’m not with her I just want to be with her again. Sydney helps me to think straight. To process things.

I suppose it’s all bullshit. I’m a bad person lacking morals. I was always a bad person trying desperately to not be. Now I am. It’s confirmed. It’s not just a mistake. Perhaps I should just cut and run. Stop my marriage and move on with my life.

Sometimes it all just seems so hopeless. A decision I made at 21 is now determining my life course even when that decision doesn’t work anymore. Our society says those are the rules. No take backs. No do overs. At least not when there are kids involved. The only option is to tear the family apart.

Perhaps what I’m doing with Sydney is some sort of self-sabotage. Clearly I am seeking someone like her. Two of them in two years points to something going on. I’m either sabotaging myself or just completely lacking in self esteem required to stop such an affair.

Sydney Takes a Trip

If you are angered by reading about Sydney you may not want to read this.

Sydney left this morning to go on a week long vacation with her boyfriend and his family. It was something planned a long time ago. She nearly decided not to go, but I’m glad she is going. It will be good for her. Good for us.

While she is gone we are going to stop all communication. That made her sad, but I told her she needs to really consider her own situation as well. Take the time to do that with him.

My situation requires most of my attention right now. I have already changed some of the dynamic with Sydney, but I feel that I need even more change. Patience as well. No matter how my life moves forward we are a long way from ever being a complete couple. We can take a break, and if things come back together later then it will be worth the wait. If they don’t, life goes on.

We have somewhat fallen into a routine. Each morning I meet her for coffee and we take a long walk together. Sometimes we end up in this semi-private building in the city where we have some privacy in the stairwell. It’s not glamorous, but it’s a place we can remain discreet. We will kiss and hold each other during those times. For awhile we were a little hot and heavy – and also handsy. We have scaled back quite a bit the last two weeks. Just hugging now.

Lunches we try to have together when possible. We usually have a margarita with lunch. We walk to the bus together after work. Mostly we talk. We love talking about things together. We cycle through many topics. The conversations are wide open and very freeing. There is some texting of an evening or weekend, but she’s not one to be on her phone much. In case you are wondering we have not had sex. It’s not on the agenda.

This past week Sydney started to change. It was interesting to watch. She went from intense, uncontrollable lust for me to a more calm introspective phase. Her initial emotions started to wear off, and she is now able to think practically about our situation. She started questioning things such as our political differences and whether I could support her on her non-negotiable items. Her position changed from pure desire to a practical evaluation of the chance of a long-term relationship. It was fun to watch. I smiled inwardly as I realized what she was doing. Nothing bad, mind you, just a refocus on long-term viability.

The political discussion led to a big misunderstanding where neither of us communicated well via text (doesn’t politics always do this?). We both felt hurt and told the other. We talked about it in person and cleared up most everything. There was still some remaining uncertainty for the next day or so, but we both ended up apologizing and making amends. We also learned from the experience and set new ground rules to text discussions.

Sydney really likes touch. It’s one of her love languages. We are not often able to experience touch, but we find places where we can hold hands periodically. It’s nice. She’s so sweet and sensitive underneath. Even though her outer shell can be quite intimidating. Most people see her as demanding, very smart and no nonsense. An unemotional work-aholic. I know they think this because I work with them, and I hear them discuss Sydney. Yet, she lets me see inside her shell. It’s a beautiful place, and frankly I don’t care what others think.

When we first started talking and I could see where this was headed I asked her if she had ever been in an affair or dated a married man. She emphatically responded NO! As if questioning that was a moral assault. Yesterday I asked her how it is going dating a married man, and she said it’s awkward and strange having to keep everything a secret. She really wants the secret to be over, but she is so into me she can’t stop what we have. I guess she has accepted where we are.

She has also started to notice things about her boyfriend that she realizes are not working. Nothing new really, but you get comfortable with the status quo. Such as her concern that he seems very bisexual or even gay, but won’t admit it or talk about it. She thinks he should explore it, but he won’t even discuss it. He likes many of the same things as her, but he is also very feminine in his demeanor. At first she found that to be nice and safe, but she now sees that she really needs to be with someone more masculine. He has confessed his selfishness to her which she struggles with. In the end she has never really dated anyone like me, and she is starting to see why her other relationships all failed. They were all what she logically thought she should want, but not what she is actually attracted to. She doesn’t think she would’ve ever intentionally sought me out in the past. I didn’t check the boxes on her dating profile. (Read The Rosie Project).

I’ll just wrap things up here by acknowledging that I know all of this is wrong. I do. This relationship should not be happening. I am doing work to slow it down while I get my affairs in order. It’s a huge wake up call to me. I need to change my life. This break is going to be good. It will give us separation and a chance to reset. Sydney knows where I stand. I know where she stands. Now we must wait for a future where we might be together. I’m going to double down on dealing with my wife, but I just wanted to share how things are going with Sydney.

The Sydney Problem

We moved too far too fast. I don’t even want to get into the details right now. We have an amazing connection and openness with each other.

I think about what that means for my wife a lot. Why don’t I have that kind of connection with her? Why did I stay so long with someone that doesn’t really know me? I don’t know what to make of it. This person who has only known me outside of a work environment for a few weeks knows more about me than my wife. It makes me sad. Very sad. Did my wife ever find me interesting? Why didn’t she care to learn more about me? Why did she never want to explore what I found interesting?

Whatever it is there is a deficit in my marriage that is clearly being filled by Sydney and Meredith. It will never be filled by my wife. It’s not who she is. I think I’m coming to terms with there always being a Sydney or Meredith out there that I will be unconsciously searching for as long as I am married.

At this point I have formed a very close bond with Sydney. Closer than I ever intended. She is hooked on me right now. In fact she can hardly stand to be away from me. I do not know how I have that effect on her or how I had it on Meredith, but I do. Its hard for me to really convey how hooked she is on me, but this woman who made her boyfriend wait a year before moving in when he was ready at six months is ready to live with me the second it’s ok to do so. She suddenly sees a very different future that is fulfilling in ways she never thought possible. She went from pretty luke warm on having kids to certain she wants them now (I did not pressure her). The transformation has been quick and is even surprising herself. She has even noted that if nothing works out between us in the end she is just very glad to have met me. She sees a new energy for her own life.

However, now I must push the pause button. I told her today, that I need space in the upcoming weeks as things are going to be very hard and I need to focus on my family. She understands and agreed to the terms I laid out. She said she will respect my boundaries and she knows this is something I need to do without her. So that is what we will do. Scale way back. I have plenty of other things to worry about very very soon.

One conundrum is that I must be very sensitive to how I slow things down. She works with me and could make life very difficult if I make a mess of things. A complete shut off would be too much, but I think I’m capable of slowing things down in a way that she can understand and accept. She knows how I feel about her, and she can go with that for awhile. We can chat periodically at work, but nothing extra. This should be a lesson though, don’t dip your pen in the company ink. I keep making that mistake.

Sydney, Just Sydney

Feelings. Intense feelings. Shared. Mutual. Today was a day that was unique for us. Two shy introverts opened up at a very core level. Something we never do. We talked for quite awhile today, and then text through the afternoon. As usual we covered a range of topics, but today was different. It was more open, less held back.

We did talk about sex today, and I’m actually glad we did. She does not share the same kinks as me. I’m actually relieved to hear that. I think. If she had it would’ve been difficult to ignore, but now I don’t have to think about it. Of course, uncovering that fact made Sydney quite sad which was hard to watch. I think she was feeling that we would eventually be together, and have amazing sex someday. Now she knows that it would not be fulfilling to me which makes the future less likely.

It’s actually kind of interesting in that she’s had a whole host of sexual partners over the years while I’ve only had two. Yet I seem to have had the most sexual adventures. To be honest that fact is catching Sydney off-guard too. She had just assumed the numbers meant her sexual expertise was greater than mine. It was clear pretty quickly that she has had quantity, but it’s all been the same flavor.

To say that she likes me is to put it very mildly. She’s enamored; mystified; enchanted by me. Her words, not mine. Her interest in me started a long time ago actually. Further back than my interest in her. Which I found to be quite shocking. Although I felt a connection early on I didn’t realize how early she saw something in me.

What do I do with all this? I’m going to let it go. There is nothing I can do. I’m not willing to start another affair. It’s really nice to know how she feels. It’s nice that we feel the same for each other, but the timing is bad. Exceedingly bad.

It’s funny because I was going to just put this whole thing on a slowdown not long ago. I was going to respond in kind, but not push things. Which is exactly what I’ve done. However she latched onto me much more quickly than I ever imagined.

Our relationship has started to make her question her own relationship with her long term boyfriend. That’s not good. She was seriously considering our future together, and he was not in the picture. I found it interesting that the world seemed so black and white to her only a few short weeks ago. Questioning how in the world I could get caught up in an affair. Now she’s in a very similar boat, just one misstep from being in a full-fledged affair herself. The black and white has changed to gray. Where she did not believe me a few weeks ago when I said how powerful these emotions are and how they can cause you to have an affair, she is now stuck questioning how this happened to her.

It’s something I’ve been talking about on this blog for a long time. For a lot of us we do not choose to be in an affair, but the emotions are so intense it is almost impossible to stop even when both parties don’t want to cross the line. I can’t imagine if one party were single. Sydney reprimanded me pretty harshly and questioned whether she could ever trust me. Now she’s questioning what is happening with her. It has dawned on her just how powerful it can be.

Today she text me this set of messages: “I’m wading through a morass of emotion, and trying to analyze my behavior concurrently. My motivations, etc.” Clearly she is wrestling with this new reality. I think anyone reading this should take pause as well. Sometimes things seem very clear and simple until you are in the middle of them.

I’ll leave you with some quotes from Sydney today:

  • I like you so much
  • You are so great
  • I love being near you
  • How am I this struck by you?
  • I can’t stop smiling
  • I’ll be thinking of you all weekend
  • I’m enraptured
  • I’m overtaken
  • You/this is extraordinary
  • I want you quite badly
  • I feel like I’m intoxicated on some sort of drug

Sunday Thoughts

Rambling through my brain today are questions as to why these relationships are appealing to me. Also I’ve been thinking about my marriage and what is missing. Clearly there are good things in my marriage, but there seems to be a large void. Is it me? Am I just a horrible narcissistic person as some have accused? Have I changed over time? Has my wife changed over time? Was there always something missing?

Frankly I think there has always been something missing, but as we go through life we change and grow. Early in my marriage the missing pieces were not as important as what I had. For some reason that changed.

Was it Meredith or was it always destined to be somebody, and she was just there at the right time? How do I factor in Sydney? And what about the future? If Sydney disappears will she just be replaced by another? Frankly I thought Meredith was a one on a million find, but then Sydney popped up. How many more are there that I would run into? Why did it not happen before?

I’m not in love with Sydney. But she is making me think a lot about what is troubling me. I’m not happy in my marriage. I love my wife. She is a wonderful person, but I’m not drawn to her romantically anymore. I’m not sure I ever really was. I was drawn to who I thought she could be. Who I wanted to believe she was.

Can my marriage be enough? Is this even what I want to be in? Maybe run through some hypotheticals. What if there were no kids? What if there was no Meredith or Sydney waiting in the wings? Would I choose to stay married? Honestly, the answer is probably No. I think if the kids were not here, and I understand how I feel now I would probably leave this relationship.

Another thing. This relationship with Sydney has not delved into bdsm at all. As far as I can tell Sydney has no shared kinks with me. Of course we have not explored that either. Nor should we. But here I had been saying everything was fine with Meredith until there was bdsm sex on the line. Is that true? Maybe it’s not that at all.

Is it the hunt? Would the excitement die soon after if one of these was to form into a relationship? I can see it failing quickly with Sydney, but not with Meredith. She was special.

Would an open relationship matter here? If I were able to be with someone on the side how would that impact my life? I’m sure there are lots of negatives, but there are people in open marriages and they do fine. Monogamy is not a normal thing. We have to fight hard to make it happen. Maybe I’m not strong enough for that fight.

Would I just be better to have never married at all? I do feel that way many times. I love my children. I always wanted children, but maybe that was a mistake. Forever is a long time. Maybe 20 years is my max. Going down this road makes me quite depressed. I want to be here for them in the future at some level.

I feel like I’m setting my wife up for a no-win situation. We put our lives on hold for so long. They are finally coming together and I feel like I want out. On paper our lives are almost perfect right now. But I’m living in turmoil.

What if Sydney were Sid instead? Finding a man of similar personalities would help solve the friendship problem with no risk of romantic relationship. I’m not sure I could even find a male version. Maybe he wouldn’t be appealing to me because he is a man. Maybe this was always destined to be a romantic relationship. Or maybe I just connect better with women. My last two bosses have been women and we work very well together.

So much to think about. Maybe I should have another session with the counselor before I talk to my wife. I’m really scared about all this. What the hell is going on with me? So many questions…