Archiving a Relationship


  • We met for the first time in December 2011.
  • We started becoming friends October 2015.
  • We discovered our mutual secret desires accidentally December 2015.
  • Our first kiss, and our first kinky interactions that crossed the line happened in January 2016.
  • We had sex for the first time in February 2016.
  • We had sex for the last time in May 2016.
  • We had physical contact for the last time in July 2016.
  • We had our last friendly discussions in December 2016.
  • Our last phone call in April 2017.
  • Last email exchange in October 2017.


I feel a certain disconnect. My relationship with Meredith is never going to happen. It was never going to happen. Too many lives would have been shredded. It is only a fantasy of the type that requires us to both be younger and single.

I have all these shards from our relationship all over. In email, voicemail, Evernote, journals. I need to archive it. Put it all in one locked down box so I can move on. If I need I can go look in the box, but no longer will I randomly run across reminders of her anymore.

This is the process I’m going through right now. Packing it all away. Things are too scattered for me to remember what is and is not hidden and from whom. Time to just move it all into one spot and then open my life back up. My life has held a secret for two years now and I need to let it go.


Magnets of Attraction

One thing I’ve found difficult the past several months is explaining how I feel about the relationship with Meredith and what I learned from it. Inside I can feel an enormous change, and I know I need to better define what that is to my wife. In our discussions it’s been very difficult to explain. She doesn’t understand. When we met with the counselor it was a little better, but even then I could tell there were huge areas I wasn’t clearly describing.

Describing complex feeling, desires, passions, and kinks was never my strong suit. I’ve never had to describe them before. They were just there. I knew them. I understood them. Now it feels like I’m trying to translate a book from a language I barely know.

When I was with Meredith we did discuss these feelings a lot. Too much actually. We are on such a similar wave length that it was easy. I could use my own language and she understood and vice versa. When I tried to explain things to my wife Meredith was always really good at helping me turn my thoughts into words. Meredith’s world is feelings, and she is very adept at unpacking them verbally. I thought perhaps I had learned from her or maybe I wasn’t that bad at it. Without her around now, though, it is clearly a struggle.

Everyday I think about this. How to describe what I’m feeling to my wife. They are the constant private conversations in my head. Yet I’m never able to voice them to her. It always comes out wrong or even when I nail it she still doesn’t understand. It’s very difficult.

One analogy I thought of this weekend I will share with you. When discussing desires with Meredith or my wife the conversations are usually small and numerous. Over time we have thousands of conversations or interactions in and around the arena of our desire for each other. It is how we learn about each other, and what we find exciting.

I picture each of us as magnets where one side repels and one side attracts. Each little part of a conversation either slightly repels or slightly attracts. As you travel through time you would bounce around between the two but generally fall into a groove or direction.

With my wife we settled into a pattern where I could never get too close. We keep bouncing around on the desire conversation with me fairly in the middle. I will ask for something or we will try something new and I’ll feel the attraction move up. Then she will tell me it wasn’t for her or in general show dissatisfaction and it will move back down. We have been in that dance for years. I kept hanging on to those moments of increase thinking they would keep building into greater and greater attraction thereby meeting my desires. But they never did.

With Meredith it was very different. We were both EXTREMELY hesitant to have any conversations about desire. I mean we were both married, wanted only to be friends, and had kinks that we were ashamed of. The conversations were slow and cautious. But they kept moving toward attraction. Each tiny little step forward never had a repellent aspect to pull us back toward the middle. Up, up, up we went! Had we both been single we would’ve been having mind blowing sex daily with lots of experimentation and a really wonderful cerebral relationship as well.

How then do I explain this magnet theory to my wife and possibly counselor. The gist is that there is no one single conversation that will change our sex life. There are millions of little daily interactions, and we don’t seem to connect in that space. Overall my wife does not desire what I desire and will constantly pull me up and then push me back down. Keeping me square in the middle.

Earlier I spoke of the shame of our kinky desires. It’s very true. Meredith and I both had that and eventually talked about it quite a bit. Our spouses sure didn’t help us to feel normal. In fact they indirectly fed the shame with their pureness, frequently rejecting the things we felt the most shame over. They don’t understand what that does to us.

Why then, you ask, did you both stayed married for so long to someone who made you feel that way? Well that is a very difficult question to answer and one in which hindsight provides a much clearer picture. The short answer is that we didn’t know. We both felt very insecure and ashamed for our desires. We found a partner who embodied all the things we felt a good person should be. They did not have our shameful desires, and that was what we felt we needed. Clearly we were outcasts for feeling the way we did, and we needed to suppress our desires and be more like our spouses.

It must be similar to being bisexual, and feeling ashamed of it. You find normal straight people very attractive so you just hide this other part of yourself. Society makes it very clear that it is undesirable behavior.

Then one day something happens which changes you forever. Perhaps you have an experience with a same sex partner. Or a long discussion with another bisexual friend and you realize that you don’t need to be ashamed. You can live your life. You can be you. Except you formed a life around the old you.

That is where it feels that I am. My life is formed and now I have uncovered this truth about me that changes everything I thought about relationships.

House Fires and Lost Relationships

I had an analogy hit me yesterday. When you lose a relationship in which you were highly invested it is much like losing your house to a fire. I suppose this is probably true for single people who are dumped as well as those of us in affairs that end.

As much as you would like to go back to the way things were – back to the house with all your belongings and history – it will never happen. The house is gone. The relationship is gone. All the elements and details of that relationship are now just memories. But you still think of what you lost and it breaks your heart.

You will eventually move into a new house, or fix up an old one you had, but as much as you try to replace what was lost it will never be the same. The longer you were in the house, and the depth of memories lost, will certainly impact the length of time spent grieving.

There will be memories you will look back on many years down the road, and continue to be upset over the loss. With time, however, most of the pain will disappear.

I think this is the same with close relationships that are lost. Even if you know you need to let go you still long for the memories. You still long for those elements of a relationship you will never experience again.

More Dreams of Meredith

This one was a two parter. First was about Meredith and I not talking to each other but  running into each other frequently. At one point we were at a party and she was there with her husband. As she was leaving she walked right past me. Not a look. Not a word. Heart breaking.

Then it all shifted. We were both going back to school. Suddenly she said “Hi”. It was like nothing had changed. We were friends again she said she needed this to work. We would take it easy. Be friends. There was nothing sexual absout it. Just love and appreciation. We talked. It was nice. Heartwarming. For the first time in awhile that heartbreak I have was gone. Even waking up I felt better just from our dream conversation.

There was also a funny part where a bunch of people from our old place of work ran into us and started asking her about her sunglasses. Apparently she had just been in Europe where these amazing sunglasses were all the rage. They made her show them her sunglasses and she kind of posed against a wall with them. First holding the stem in her teeth with her lush lips over them. Then up on her head and she just looked radiant. I of course knew nothing about these sunglasses but loved the attention she was getting.

That was the end. 


A reader shared this in a comment, and I think it hit spot on what I feel Meredith is doing with her life. She is Ostriching. Sticking her head in the sand, and pretending everything is ok. Nothing has dramatically changed about her life, but she has decided it’s as good as it is going to be so she should just give up on happiness. 

This really fits with her personality actually, and we talked about it in different terms off and on over the last two years. She lives for harmony. She gives of herself to make sure others are happy and content. She knows that she can just give herself to her children and marriage and not be concerned with the parts that don’t work for her. As long as everyone else is happy then she can convince herself that she is happy. 

Those things that we shared, sexual, intellectual, and understanding, can be set aside. She has convinced herself they are not necessary to her life anymore. Full steam ahead with the life she has. Give up on the life she wants. 

In fact she said to me many times when she was trying to do things for herself that she could not have done them without me. It was too hard. She could not have told her husband about her needs without me there to support her. She could not have taken the initiative win applying for top level jobs without me showing her how valuable she is. Without me it would have been too much. She would have had to disrupt the harmony of her life and relationships. She admitted she will do almost anything to keep the harmony. 

Her own husband did not think her worth what she was trying for, as he saw himself as the only one needing to work. Almost as if it was cute that she saw herself as smart enough to work for the companies we were trying to get her into. He was zero help and support. It took a lot out of him for her to go through with it, and without me pushing her and showing her she could do it then she would have quit. Because she had no other support. Her role was to make everyone else happy. 

Now she has codified that life. 


On the last day Meredith and I spoke she told me about Glennon. She told me how Glennon had put herself into her marriage to try to improve it, but in the end she stood up for what she needed and moved on from her marriage. How she ended up dating and marrying a woman. How her ex husband was still understanding and they remain friends because she was so open and honest with him. 

Then she told me that she, Meredith, was doing well. That she was strong and taking care of things like Glennon. That I should not worry. It was a message of hope for the future, and one of the last things she said to me. Ever. 

Now she’s pregnant and appears to want nothing to do with me. Only a handful of months later. These are the type of inconsistent messages I’m struggling with. 

Dream of Meredith 

I had a dream about Meredith. We were on an elevator together. It was a random chance occurrence. We ended up in a pizza shop together and then eating pizza and talking. She told me of her pregnancy. She explained the birth control scenario. What she had done. How it all happened. 

I was hurt. I walked away, but she came after me. Then it was gone…