What is your Kink?

My wife finally took the quiz to see her kinkiness level. She was afraid to show me. In fact she still hasn’t, but she did give me a preview. She scores 93% vanilla. Well that’s not too unexpected. I mean I was always hoping for something inside her she wasn’t aware of, but in the end it is what we both kind of knew. 

I scored 13% vanilla. We are a bit apart there. Now we have more to discuss though. One online quiz does not determine the course of a marriage. But it does give us another avenue to communicate which we sorely need. 

Over the past year and a half to two years I have done quite a lot of self discovery. Learning much about myself that I either didn’t know or didn’t really understand. For my wife I think she has begun her own self discovery process earlier this year when meeting with her counselor. But they don’t discuss sex. I believe my wife is too scared to bring it up. 

One of our biggest problems is sex and we need to discuss it. What I appreciate about that quiz is that is gives us a common starting point and a set of language to use beyond the very basics. Hopefully this weekend we will have time to delve further. 

Meredith and Margaritas 

My wife and I were having margaritas on a date night last weekend. The alcohol helped both of us open up. We talked about our marriage a lot. How hard the last two years have been, and how our marriage changed over the years. The effects of med school and residency on both of us. It was nice to be able to talk to her about it. 

Then she brought up Meredith. She knows we were really good friends, becoming great friends, and she shared with me how that made her feel. 

It was around the same time that my wife and I started having our initial discussions about our sex problems. It was not ironic timing as Meredith helped me understand my own desires. This was before we were having a physical affair. 

My wife put those together, and told me that she felt awful that our sex life was so bad and making me that unhappy. Then she saw that there was this other woman with whom I had such an easy way of communicating. That Meredith and I were able to converse deeply about difficult topics like religion without ending in arguments. Something my wife and I have struggled with. My wife noticed that when Meredith told me things that she had been trying to tell me for years it seemed I heard them for the first time. There was something different in communication styles. 

My wife even commented that she felt the two of us had a very good working day to day relationship, but that we did that at the expense of deeper connections both intellectually and sexually. We avoided the hard conversations that really form the bond of a marriage. She also noted that most of that was on her side as she recognized many times over the years I have attempted to delve deep only to be shut down by her. 

All in all the sex issues combined with having Meredith be my deep connection friend caused my wife to feel like a roommate rather than a spouse. She started to question what her role was to me. If she was not the lover I desires and she was not the one I could connect with on deep topics then she felt much more like a coworker who also does laundry and cooks dinner sometimes. Honestly I’ve felt that way many times, too. I think I’ve even written about that on this blog. 

My wife also felt bad that my friendship with Meredith was cut short. Even though she wished she could have that connection with me she was glad Meredith was there for me. I told her I think it’s a good thing it ended as it was difficult for me to have another relationship like that, and not have it impact my marriage. Although Meredith taught me many things that helped me open up, understand my feelings and potential, she also showed me what I was missing. My wife totally understood that. 

That was the closest we got to talking about the affair. I’m glad we acknowledged that my relationship affected both of us and also that it had an impact on our marriage. 

Nothing really changed for our future and there were even a few times where we uncomfortably contemplated a future apart. We will continue with our plans to see a counselor together. 

Another Sex Talk

This one was another unscripted sex talk which started as a blowjob request. A pattern is forming. 

At the beginning of our talk I told her I was a bit stuck in how to handle this. She wants to give submission a try, but I could tell she was tired. She had been giving a ‘no sex’ vibe all day. Yet I was horny as hell. I’ve not had sex in many days, and we were together all day today. There are ways that I know how to act as a dominant with a submissive that would please both and get my needs satisfied, but I do not know how to do so with her. I fear she will resent me for even asking or just reject me. If she goes through with it I feel I can’t really ask for or expect much because she will hate me again. She admitted all those thoughts were probably correct. 

Which led us to talking about sex in general. I don’t know what she wants out of sex. I asked her point blank what sexual fantasies or desires she has. She squarely said “None.” I told her I don’t know what to do with that. There is nothing for us to share. I am filled with fantasies, and she doesn’t have any. That means all the things I’m asking her to do are for me only. She does not get anything from them. That makes me feel like a predator. 

She wants to do things for me both because she is scared of losing me, but also because she loves me. It’s amazingly sweet, but it feels empty when she gets nothing out of it. I told her I don’t want to force her to do all of this just for me. I feel bad afterward. I want us both to enjoy having an active and imaginative sex life, but I don’t know how.

She also asked me about what I want to do to her. Especially around blowjobs. I laid out a well said description that included places and activities and various endings and locations. In essence I want variety and excitement. She wants none of those things and views it like a chore. I can feel it and she admitted as such. I told her I’m not an asshole, I don’t want her to view sex of any kind with me as a chore. I truly desire for her to enjoy herself. In a D/S relationship the submissive actually has a lot of the pleasure directed toward them. However it does require them to have sexual desires. Without that I’m left with only pleasing myself. Very unsatisfying for both parties. 

The podcasts talked a lot about confidence being the biggest aphrodisiac. My wife said that it was true and she was glad to know how confidently I knew what I wanted. But if I acted on them she would reject my advances. Hence our current stalemate. 

I asked her about how she viewed her own sexual desire. She admitted that right now it was almost non-existant, and if we could just wait. But I challenged her on that. I asked when they were high in our marriage and what that looked like? Did she ever desire me or even sex to the point she could barely control herself? Not really. Were there times I was unavailable and she found other ways to satisfy her hunger by herself? Never. In other words she really didn’t have a sex drive at all before she was with me. Afterward it was largely dictated by my energy, and if it didn’t happen she just moved on as if it were no big deal. She does not think about sex most days. She could go a long time without and not care. 

This is very different than me,and I would guess a lot of women too. We were able to talk about the Esther Perrel podcast where there was a woman who wanted lots of kinky sex. I explained this isn’t just me because I’m a man. There are lots of women that have desires too. I know it sounds silly to say, but my wife can be rather naive about such things. 

When she said we should wait I said I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life. When do I get to go? We need to figure this out. We need to keep moving forward or start moving apart. We can’t keep waiting. 

At one point we started talking about pain because she wanted to know what I like. That really seemed to upset her and she got very angry. She could not understand how I could want to hurt her. That I’m the one she trusts so why would I hurt her? Oh god. She got really angry over that. I explained that it’s only during sexual play and when it’s consensual. I don’t actually want to hurt her, and she knows I’ve never raised my hand to her or even my voice except during sex. She knows that’s true, but she just can’t understand this part. Frankly I don’t know why I enjoy it so much either. What I know is that when I have her bent over and I’m spanking her I get hard as a rock and really excited. I also know that many people enjoy the pain and the masochist side of the equation. My wife does not understand it; she does not think it’s normal; she does not educate herself about it. 

Which led to a conversation about research. I explained that I read a bunch about this stuff. I send her less than 1% of what I research. She barely reads what I send her. Most of the time she just listens to me and then doesn’t believe me because she thinks I’m manipulating her. That’s hard for me. She won’t read it on her own and she won’t believe me. I told her the only way we are going to move past this is with more information, like those podcasts. And I can’t do it all on my own. I need her to invest in understanding herself and understanding me. 

Our last argument of the night was about deadlines. She told me to give her a deadline to get the bdsm quiz finished. She kind of caught me off guard when the request and I told her I really didn’t want to do that. She told me that she is driven by deadlines and it is how she handles all the external requests. Somehow she associates all the external requests with the deadlines they provided. But it’s not true. It’s the external nature of the request. I explained that I’ve given her deadlines many times in the past. They don’t mean anything because I’m internal. She will miss them, and then I feel even worse for having the expectation. She said she wants to have a deadline to complete it to show she loves me. I said I want you to show me you love me by completing it quickly. We just see the world differently. 

Esther Perrell Car Ride

Very good weekend in the marriage discussion department. We had a long drive there and back and we listened to Esther Perrell on Audible. Her new podcast is great! Every episode has something we could take from our marriage. My wife would pause it many times to discuss. 

There were several realizations made along the drive. The second episode especially. She identified well with the caretaker wife. How she does not take care of or leave anytime for herself. We talked about it and she acknowledged all the ways over the years I have encouraged her to do things for herself so that she could be more present with me. 

There was one about role playing which showed the power of confidence. Another where there was a woman who craved really kinky sex but couldn’t talk to her husband about it. That one hit home. She kept saying “are you sure you can handle me?” Which is what I’ve essentially asked my wife on many occasions. The husband in this episode admitted he had not received her fantasies well in the past. I’m sure my wife saw her own reflection in his response. 

We talked about how I have asked her to do things for me in the past. Like read an article or something. And she doesn’t get to it. I let her know how that makes me feel. That for everything I send her I probably read a dozen. The fact that she does no research into our sex life and can’t take the time to read what I send her tells me she is not interested. 

Communication. She never talks about hard things because her family doesn’t. I have always wanted to have deeper conversations but she ends them. She sees it now. 

I’m forgetting many of the revelations which I apologize for. It was very eye opening to her, and she was very thankful. I may have said before, but my wife lives in a bit of a bubble. She is very naive about sex and life. I think she is starting to see how her bubble is destroying her marriage. Honestly, and I’m not just saying this, but nearly everything, every revelation, was for my wife. How much she has either not understood or avoided confronting. It was amazing to watch and talk about. 

Earned Favors

Had an interesting evening. After the kids were to bed and I was back from running an errand my wife was finishing unloading the dishwasher. I needed to go take a shower and she knew I would need to as well. I came up behind her and squeezed her into me very sexually. 

“Oh honey I’m just too tired and there are too many things to do.” She said. Note I haven’t said anything. I grabbed her and she has already decided nothing is happening tonight. Apparently we are right back where we used to be. Submission be damned. 

I told her while being very aggressive with her that I was really horny. That I needed her to come upstairs with me. She said “it could be fun, and it might make me feel better.” Assuming sex was on her agenda. I responded “I need you to come take care of me.” She got kind of gruff like I would have the nerve to request she suck me off. 

Finally she said “well you have been pretty great this week. I guess you deserve a blowjob.” To which I responded “I’m not interested in deserving anything. I’ll take what I need. But I can see you’re overwhelmed so I’m going upstairs and you can finish up what you need to.”

She became really upset and angry at that. At me saying I should take what I need. I had to wonder does she know anything about the D/s relationship? The reason I don’t earn sexual favors as a Dom is because it gives all the control to the sub. It’s not right and it does not turn me on. 

I did explain that to her. I think she vaguely understood the concept, but was still upset over it all. She does not really want to change. She likes that I can do things to please her and “earn” sexual favors. That is control. Pure and simple. It turns me off big time. The only reason I’ve let if fly in the past is because I wanted a blowjob! Now I know to ask for more in my relationship. 

We were going out of town for the long weekend and staying with family. Almost zero chance of sex during the weekend. It was our only chance at sex for a few days. She knew all this – still not going to do it. 

Data – What did I Learn?

My therapist said something interesting today. He said you will read a lot of disparaging comments and articles about affairs, but when you are trying to get past one it’s good to look at it from a data perspective. This resonated well with me. I’m a data guy. 

He said to think about this affair, and look at what I learned about my marriage. There was something not working. Something I was getting from my relationship with Meredith. Figure out what those things were. Then look and see if they can be added to the marriage. 

Essentially I need to make a decision at some point about whether this is the marriage I want to have for the next many years. Use the data I learned about myself, and my relationship, to address the problems in my marriage. Eventually I may decide it’s not going to change enough or at all but I should use what I learned. 

He said very few marriages are at an A+, but many are in the high B’s to low A’s and they do really well. Another group are in the B- to C+ range and they can float there for a long time. Usually below that and things breakdown. I feel like we are probably in that B- range and floating. Can we pull this marriage up to a B+ or even an A? Maybe. I need to use what I learned from my experience with Meredith to understand what it would take to get there. 

Truth be told she was amazing for me. Even if you take out sex. We had such a close and wonderful connection. She could navigate my mind with ease. I felt understood and accepted for the first time ever. I crave that connection or at least something similar. 

The sex is also important and my wife and I are trying some things. I’ll give it time. There is a lot to learn. We also need to get a marriage/sex therapist to help us through some of this. He will look for referrals for me. Someone who can keep us moving forward, hold us accountable and allow us to have a real conversation. My wife does not like talking about sex. Even with me. 

We also talked about Meredith a lot. How I’m grieving and last week fell. He said its common to bounce around during the grieving process and it may take awhile. He also asked what I would’ve talked to her about last week. Honestly it wouldn’t been just the stuff going on at work and home. Nothing about sex at all. 

He also asked me what I would say if she called me and said she split from her husband. Oh god. I both dream of and fear such a call. I would be overjoyed that I could be with her, but scared to death that I would not be able to resist being with her if my marriage was working out. 

Lastly he flat out poo poo’d the idea of limerence. Yes I brought it up, Moi. It fell very flat. He brought it back to taking what I learned about myself, and separately dealing with the grief of loss. 

Another Day

The last few days have been really hot, and I’ve been focused on the family. I’ve sort of picked myself up from last week. I still think about Meredith, of course, but I’m able to compartmentalize her a bit better. 

My wife and I have had a lot of sex lately. I told her this would happen. When I lead, fun stuff happens. She noticed. It was better sex than we had been having, but a far cry from where I want to be. I think the problem is that she doesn’t really know how to be a submissive. She isn’t one naturally. She just does whatever I tell her to do. It’s better than the constant resistance, but far different than the desire a true submissive has. 

I appreciate that she is trying. Maybe we will get better. I keep trying to engage her in conversations about sex and sending her material to read, but she avoids it. She’s “too busy right now.” Yeah I know. She’s been too busy for 18 years. I’m going to talk to her about finding a marriage or sex counselor together. Then I will be able to hold her accountable for her follow through. She pays greater attention to 3rd parties than to me. Ringing endorsement for success right?