A couple days ago I went to see our marriage counselor by myself. This was planned. She wanted to discuss in more detail the things I’m hoping for. I have another session set for next week.
We mostly discussed my relationship with Meredith. My counselor had not heard most of the details because I am either not sharing those with my wife or my wife does not want me to refer to Meredith. It makes much of this difficult to discuss. But I was very open with our counselor. She took it all in stride.
We talked about two major themes. The first is that there were really two parts to my affair. The friendship part of it, which led to a strong emotional affair, and the physical part of it. The physical part of the affair included a lot of self discovery. Exploring those parts of myself I had never been allowed to explore.
Because of the affair, I learned a lot about myself. This was not an affair to just get more sex than I could get at home. This was about exploring a completely different type of relationship. One that I now know can exist and is wonderful.
In the end any affair is wrong. I know that. My counselor knows that, but it is important to understand what it meant. Why did it happen, and what does that mean to my current relationship with my wife? This affair was not some random hookup on Craigslist or Tinder. In fact, I’ve mostly been able to avoid those paths. But finding out that this woman who was quickly becoming my best friend also had matching sexual desires was too much to resist for both of us. I mean she was standing right in front of me. There was no seeking.
The other issue we explored was that I will very likely need to confess all of my affair to my wife in order to move forward. All of it. The thought of that scares me to death. On the other hand, with the counselor’s help my wife is now in a much better place, and able to actually listen to me now. Our discussions have been so much deeper lately. Maybe this is the time. I don’t believe she could’ve handled it well before. Although this will be devastating to her it will allow for more honest communication. I really believe she could process it now without shutting down before we can talk.
The reason I really need to share is that most of my new knowledge about how I want to live my life was experienced with Meredith. If I cannot talk openly about that experience then my wife will never truly understand what I’m talking about. Many of the concepts are subtle and vague, especially if you don’t already think in a submissive mindset.
Last, we were given some homework. Every day we need to talk about sex together. She needs to share her thoughts and desires on sex and I need to be specific about sex with her. We started that two nights ago. It’s going really well. My wife does enjoy some of the same elements I do, but many of them she really didn’t even know what they were. We spent some time defining things like deep throat, sexual humiliation, and types of exhibitionism.
Last night we really hit on something though. I found it very hard to talk openly with my wife about certain fantasies of mine. Ones I found so easy to discuss with Meredith. I realized that my wife and I have a long history of me sharing vulnerable parts of myself with her, and then she turns around and tells friends and family. Taking my vulnerability and exposing it to others. It hit me like a sledge hammer as I was trying to open up. She knew exactly what I was taking about, and she felt horrible about it. She knows now how important all this is to me, and how damaging it was for us that she betrayed my trust. At the time she thought it was just funny.
In the end, we did get through a few core concepts. She handled them very well, and even commented on how proud she was of herself for being able to have a conversation like that. Even six months ago she would not have been able to. Her words, not mine. She was not in agreement with most of the things I brought up, but she acknowledged a few might be OK at least to try.
We also ended with pretty great sex the first night, and this morning. Clearly talking about things helps.