It seems I may have forgotten to mention this previously. The week before I started my new job I was wracked with guilt and a host of other emotions. It was a time of reflection.
In the end I sat down and discussed the affair with my wife. I told her of the emotional affair I had with Meredith and what it meant to me. We talked about it for a while. Acknowledging the affair was the main reason we had counseling together that week.
Since then we’ve discussed it a few times, and I’ve asked her to let me know of any questions she has. Mostly she wanted to know what I got out of that relationship. What I was not getting from her. It was nothing earth shattering as we have discussed most of the issues before.
All of that led to the counseling session where we acknowledged the affair, but then didn’t discuss it at all. Instead we discussed our relationship, and what we want it to be going forward. Both of us. The great thing about the counseling was having an intermediary to help us navigate some very difficult discussions without my wife getting upset.
So to all the readers who feel I never told my wife – I did. But it was massively overshadowed by the conversations we had after that, and I must have forgotten to post anything about revealing the affair. Also I had a lot of other change going on in my life at that time.
An affair is never a good thing. It’s a weakness in one partner, and a sign of trouble in a marriage. However, it seems to have been a spark to my marriage.
The last two weeks have been different. Not revolutionary, but our marriage has changed. The affair has given us both the freedom to discuss what we want with full knowledge that where we were didn’t work. We have to throw out who we were and build up who we want to be.
My wife has taken on the submissive role in the bedroom quite well. We have had more frequent sex than I can ever remember. Intense sex too. Old forbidden rules no longer apply. It’s been good for both of us. She really seems to enjoy it.
She has started to learn how to ask for sex from a submissive rather than dominant angle, and she can see now how well that works. I don’t think she believed me for a long time when I tried to explain to her that the problem we had in the past was how she asks for sex. She didn’t believe there was a submissive way to do so, and she would always be very aggressive about it. The last two weeks she has been very submissive when asking, and she’s been well rewarded. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to say No. Seriously, it short-circuits my brain!
There is still a lot missing for me sexually, but it is clearly much better. I would still like her to learn more about submission, what it means to her, and talk with me about it. I would still like to be more into the pain aspects than we are. Perhaps with time. We are making progress.
In fact we are making so much progress so fast we actually have to take a break to let things heal. He he.
On the friendship side things have improved as well. She is less confrontational with me, and less argumentative. I believe it is an outpouring of the submissive side of her coming out. It is really nice. I would say it’s only about a 20% change, but it is noticeable. She talks to me slightly differently, and stops to try to understand me and what I’m saying before getting angry. Honestly a DS relationship is more than just sex. These elements play together throughout the day in many ways. I’m hopeful that this new mindset and new relationship will improve in multiple areas.
No revolutionary changes but I certainly feel better about things than I have in a long time.
I started a new job recently. It’s been a really good transition, but also stressful. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of responsibility that I never had before. Definitely looking forward to it. The lack of responsibility in my last job was one of the main reasons to leave it!
The new job has far fewer reminders of Meredith. In fact no one at the new place knows me at all. A fresh start. They also don’t know Meredith. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think about her everyday, but the frequency has lessened. It’s maybe down to a dozen points in the day. Generally when there is down time. Like right now.
My wife and I are working on the things her counselor suggested. We are reading a novel together at night, and I sent her a wordpress blog to read. I think the two of those should help give her some context which is our goal now. To give my wife context, and help her see what this could look like so that she may make an informed decision. Of course they are both based on healthy BDSM lifestyles.
How is it going? Well, actually. This weekend, even though we had family in town, we had some mind blowing sex. Twice. She was very submissive, and she had a great time. The best part though is that we sort of talked about it later. There was more openness about what we both enjoyed it did not. We never talk about sex, but this time we did.
Plus the book we are reading is quite graphic. It gets us both pretty turned on. But it also opens us up to talk about those same explicit concepts together.
Overall I wouldn’t say it’s all better. There are still some major concepts that I can still only ever see happening with Meredith, but it is better. The way I think about it is that we are both trying this on as a new marriage together. Being open about what we want together. If it works then we will get there. If it doesn’t then at least we gave it our all, and she knows what is driving me. We must be more open and communicative.
Oh, another side note. When we get a lot of family around she’s often quite loud and domineering in the conversation and jumps ahead and ruins my stories. It drives me batty! Meredith NEVER did that because she was in my head and knew what I was doing. Anyway, this weekend I snapped a couple words at her from a much more confident dominant perspective, and she realized what she was doing and stopped. She didn’t get mad about it like in times past! We may be getting somewhere. Next step – those outbursts lead to spankings 🙂
Something has changed in my Wife. It’s having a positive impact on our relationship. She claims she’s always been this way, and that I made her feel she couldn’t be sexual. Huh?
Tonight she willingly did several major sexual things that she would never have done before. It’s not that I haven’t asked for them, either.
For one, we had sex in our car. Yes it was in the garage, but still, we’ve had cars for years and not had sex in them. I’ve always wanted to! I’ve let her know that over the years, but she clearly does not hear what I’m saying. Afterward I told her that was something I’ve wanted to do for years, and she was surprised and wanted to know other fantasies. I was stuck on how she could not know.
Then she finished me with a blowjob. It’s like the third time that’s happened in the past month. Actually the third time it’s happened in the last 19 years! I have literally been asking her for that since our first year dating. It’s been one of my all time highest desires, and she turned me down for nearly 20 years. I’ve written about that before – and about Meredith’s response. But all of a sudden it’s something she does and likes it??? Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It feels so good. It’s actually better than I imagined. But how can you make such a drastic change so suddenly?
The last one I won’t tell you about, but trust me, she’s told me point blank years ago that she hates to do it. Yet she did it. And she was turned on the whole time.
All of this is so sudden it’s hard for me to comprehend. Meredith was actively pushing me to do all these things with her repeatedly, and much more. But with my wife it’s been a constant struggle. Now within the last month she wants all of it.
I can tell she’s still not sure of herself in how to act, but she is thrilled with how our sex life is right now. Or she claims she is. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like she’s just doing this to save her marriage.
One thing I noticed with Meredith that I’m also noticing now is that having this kind of sexual relationship makes me ultra confident through the day. It’s like my testosterone shoots up. I feel like a man. Like THE man. Clearly this works for me.
Well it was a bit rough. Very different than my previous counselor. This was my wife’s counselor who we are now going to work with. She was fair. She did a good job tempering my wife to keep her fro
m flooding. She also did a good job understanding me and clarifying for my wife. I appreciated that.
I was hoping to talk mostly about communication but the counselor wanted to talk about something else, and observe our communication. So we tackled sex. Oh boy. I find it difficult to discuss with my wife what it is I seek. Something that was so easy with Meredith. Honestly, what I am seeking is the connection I had with Meredith. That isn’t fair to my wife to look at it that way so I need to find ways of understanding for myself what was so important about it in ways she could understand.
One thing the counselor was sure to point out to my wife was that I wasn’t just asking for more sex or more interesting sex. I was asking for us to reorganize our relationship. She kept saying “this is a big deal. A big change. You’ll need time to consider if this is something you want to do.” I really liked that. It’s been hard to get my wife to think of it as more than just role playing twice a week in the bedroom. Now I think she at least understands the gravity of it.
I also liked that the counselor made it clear she had a choice. She does not have to just go along with this. She can consider and then say “No” if she so desires. I want her to know that, too. This isn’t a forced thing. She has to want this as much as I do. I don’t think she ever will, but we are going to start by helping her learn more about it.
Another thing. At one point she asked me what I want her to do. I said I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to want to do this. I want to know what excites you. This is as much about what you desire as myself. As a submissive you need to know what you need, and then I am in charge of making sure you get what you need. It’s not just about me or pleasing me. Yes, I would be in charge, but with an intense focus on what you desire.
I think that was another pivotal moment as I saw her really stop and think about it. She kept looking for me to tell her what to do, but in the end it was really about her desires. She hadn’t considered that side except as a defense against me.
It was a good first meeting. Unfortunately due to my job changing it will probably be a few weeks before the next, but we will do some homework until then.
A very short update today. We had an intense marriage counseling session last night. It was good. It was scary. It was emotional.
We ended up focusing on D/S and Power Exchange dynamic. Because it is clearly an area we do not communicate well. The counselor helped my Wife to actually listen, and also helped me to clarify in ways that will hopefully make sense. Also it was the first time I think she really understood that it’s not really about sex. There is no list of activities. It’s a mindset.
Although I think we both mostly acknowledged it is not something my wife is interested in she does want to learn more first. My homework is to find ONE or TWO resources to share with my wife to help her learn about Power Exchange relationships in more concrete terms. The problem is I want to send her a hundred links because that’s how I find information. I’m kind of freaking out thinking about only sending one or two sources. They have to be really good. I’m thinking blogs or books. But maybe a podcast too. Any help is appreciated!
Last night I was considering what I want to do with my week off. Honestly what came to mind was a week of wild sex. When stressed or excited that is what calms me. I’m not a sky diver or motor cycle rider or mountain climber or anything like that. My thrills are all sex related.
Then I thought, well that sucks, I can’t do that with my wife. Ouch. Honestly a week of sex with my wife would NEVER work. A day-cation of sex wouldn’t work. She’s just not into it. We would have 15 minutes and then the rest of the day to do other things.
Then I thought of Meredith. My dream would be more than possible. In fact she would go to great lengths to make sure we had the right equipment, space, replenishing foods on hand, and child care arrangements for it to be a great week. She would tease me with little hints of things we should try, and generally get me so wound up it would be magical. No holding back.
Well that’s frustrating for sure. Another dream down the drain.