A New Sex Life

Something has changed in my Wife. It’s having a positive impact on our relationship. She claims she’s always been this way, and that I made her feel she couldn’t be sexual. Huh?

Tonight she willingly did several major sexual things that she would never have done before. It’s not that I haven’t asked for them, either.

For one, we had sex in our car. Yes it was in the garage, but still, we’ve had cars for years and not had sex in them. I’ve always wanted to! I’ve let her know that over the years, but she clearly does not hear what I’m saying. Afterward I told her that was something I’ve wanted to do for years, and she was surprised and wanted to know other fantasies. I was stuck on how she could not know.

Then she finished me with a blowjob. It’s like the third time that’s happened in the past month. Actually the third time it’s happened in the last 19 years! I have literally been asking her for that since our first year dating. It’s been one of my all time highest desires, and she turned me down for nearly 20 years. I’ve written about that before – and about Meredith’s response. But all of a sudden it’s something she does and likes it??? Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It feels so good. It’s actually better than I imagined. But how can you make such a drastic change so suddenly?

The last one I won’t tell you about, but trust me, she’s told me point blank years ago that she hates to do it. Yet she did it. And she was turned on the whole time.

All of this is so sudden it’s hard for me to comprehend. Meredith was actively pushing me to do all these things with her repeatedly, and much more. But with my wife it’s been a constant struggle. Now within the last month she wants all of it.

I can tell she’s still not sure of herself in how to act, but she is thrilled with how our sex life is right now. Or she claims she is. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like she’s just doing this to save her marriage.

One thing I noticed with Meredith that I’m also noticing now is that having this kind of sexual relationship makes me ultra confident through the day. It’s like my testosterone shoots up. I feel like a man. Like THE man. Clearly this works for me.

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Counseling 

Well it was a bit rough. Very different than my previous counselor. This was my wife’s counselor who we are now going to work with. She was fair. She did a good job tempering my wife to keep her from flooding. She also did a good job understanding me and clarifying for my wife. I appreciated that. 

I was hoping to talk mostly about communication but the counselor wanted to talk about something else, and observe our communication. So we tackled sex. Oh boy. I find it difficult to discuss with my wife what it is I seek. Something that was so easy with Meredith. Honestly, what I am seeking is the connection I had with Meredith. That isn’t fair to my wife to look at it that way so I need to find ways of understanding for myself what was so important about it in ways she could understand. 

One thing the counselor was sure to point out to my wife was that I wasn’t just asking for more sex or more interesting sex. I was asking for us to reorganize our relationship. She kept saying “this is a big deal. A big change. You’ll need time to consider if this is something you want to do.” I really liked that. It’s been hard to get my wife to think of it as more than just role playing twice a week in the bedroom. Now I think she at least understands the gravity of it. 

I also liked that the counselor made it clear she had a choice. She does not have to just go along with this. She can consider and then say “No” if she so desires. I want her to know that, too. This isn’t a forced thing. She has to want this as much as I do. I don’t think she ever will, but we are going to start by helping her learn more about it. 

Another thing. At one point she asked me what I want her to do. I said I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to want to do this. I want to know what excites you. This is as much about what you desire as myself. As a submissive you need to know what you need, and then I am in charge of making sure you get what you need. It’s not just about me or pleasing me. Yes, I would be in charge, but with an intense focus on what you desire. 

I think that was another pivotal moment as I saw her really stop and think about it. She kept looking for me to tell her what to do, but in the end it was really about her desires. She hadn’t considered that side except as a defense against me. 

It was a good first meeting. Unfortunately due to my job changing it will probably be a few weeks before the next, but we will do some homework until then. 

Marriage Counseling

A very short update today. We had an intense marriage counseling session last night. It was good. It was scary. It was emotional. 

We ended up focusing on D/S and Power Exchange dynamic. Because it is clearly an area we do not communicate well. The counselor helped my Wife to actually listen, and also helped me to clarify in ways that will hopefully make sense. Also it was the first time I think she really understood that it’s not really about sex. There is no list of activities. It’s a mindset. 

Although I think we both mostly acknowledged it is not something my wife is interested in she does want to learn more first. My homework is to find ONE or TWO resources to share with my wife to help her learn about Power Exchange relationships in more concrete terms. The problem is I want to send her a hundred links because that’s how I find information. I’m kind of freaking out thinking about only sending one or two sources. They have to be really good. I’m thinking blogs or books. But maybe a podcast too. Any help is appreciated!

Taking a Week Off

Last night I was considering what I want to do with my week off. Honestly what came to mind was a week of wild sex. When stressed or excited that is what calms me. I’m not a sky diver or motor cycle rider or mountain climber or anything like that. My thrills are all sex related. 

Then I thought, well that sucks, I can’t do that with my wife. Ouch. Honestly a week of sex with my wife would NEVER work. A day-cation of sex wouldn’t work. She’s just not into it. We would have 15 minutes and then the rest of the day to do other things. 

Then I thought of Meredith. My dream would be more than possible. In fact she would go to great lengths to make sure we had the right equipment, space, replenishing foods on hand, and child care arrangements for it to be a great week. She would tease me with little hints of things we should try, and generally get me so wound up it would be magical. No holding back. 

Well that’s frustrating for sure. Another dream down the drain. 

Meredith back at work?

The saga continues. My boss had lunch with Meredith this week. I learned from my boss that Meredith was considering coming back to work this next spring when her husband finishes residency. At first I assumed Meredith was just being nice. Then I learned she was only working part time right now. Perhaps this new gig isn’t going as well as planned. 

On the other hand she’s still married to H. Not sure what her plans are in reality. She plays it close to the vest. She may have only been telling my boss what she wanted them to hear to keep the relationship in good standing while pushing an actual decision far into the future. 

Of course I may be gone soon anyway. I have a final round job interview at another company next week. It’s not far away though, just over six blocks away. 

But it still makes me wonder. What is she thinking? How is she doing? Is her consideration for coming back to work here positively or negatively impacted by my presence? Had she assumed I would be gone by now?

*

My wife and I had a tough argument last night. Over something completely stupid. How it always is, right? Biggest fights over the dumbest things. In reality we just struggle to communicate. We both feel like we have to hold ourselves back, and we end up talking past each other. It’s really a struggle. For me it seems every time I open my mouth I’m offending her. We never get to root causes on anything. 

My wife now wonders why I married her in the first place. Fifteen years ago we were different people. Nothing can change the past. We can only focus on our future. I sometimes wonder why I married her too, but 15 years ago it was crystal clear. That’s that. 

One thing we discussed was counseling. I feel that my wife had again put other things ahead of our relationship. It’s always something. Many weeks later we still haven’t even been able to sit down and discuss which counselor would work for both of us. 

One idea I really liked was writing each other notes. On a podcast we listened to there was this idea of opening special email accounts just for notes to each other. I think that would work wonders for me in being able to express to her what’s going on in my mind without her hyperventilating. But we can’t do it. My wife sucks at checking email. She’s like a week behind on it and she hates it. She wants people to just tell her things. Again, we are very different. 

Alcohol and Openness

While we were walking back from having margaritas my wife said “I wonder if I would have drank more in college if we would’ve had these conversations sooner.”

Let me give you a little context. My wife is the goody-two-shoes you’ve always imagined. She did not drink one bit of alcohol before her 21st birthday. She wanted to wait until marriage for sex (and probably would have if not for a multi-year engagement). She was a perfect A student. Sweet as sweet can be. No drugs, no tattoos, no cursing. She was a parent and a pastors dream. 

We met at one of the top 10 party schools in the nation. Personally, I took full advantage. My wife, however, did not. She did exceedingly well academically, but missed out on much of the socializing and all of the alcohol fueled parties. Not that I’m saying she did anything wrong. It was her choice, but she was looking back now and wondering if she missed something that actually would’ve been helped her future beyond just studying. She also missed out forming good friends during that period. There was a lot of bonding taking place outside of study hall. 

She continued, “We’ve been able to have these much more open conversations, and I’m not as anxious about them after a drink or two. I was just thinking that we might have been able to talk about sex more freely earlier in our relationship if I didn’t have such a hangup over drinking – and sex.” 

I mentioned “Well I’m sure it would’ve come up sooner. Alcohol has been known to lead to sex, especially at college.”

She replied “Yeah, I missed out on all that. All the socializing. The bar scene. Not joining a sorority because my sister convinced me not to. I think I missed out on a lot that would’ve helped us talk earlier. Possibly address these issues earlier.”

She’s not wrong. I have mentioned before in this blog how naive she is about life at times. She very much isolated herself during college. Most of the kids were out having fun on the weekends, including me, but my wife would study and not touch a drop of alcohol. She remained very uptight which inhibited us from opening up about topics that were happening all around us each weekend. 

Even when she did drink after turning 21 she was very controlled about it. There was no letting go. She would constantly say something like “It’s been two hours I can have a third drink now.” Really? It’s not a science experiment. Just stop and enjoy yourself. She can’t. She’s never been what I would call drunk. Buzzed is as close as she’s been. Even after one drink over an hour ago she’ll claim she can’t drive. I just roll my eyes. 

Could she be right about her hypothesis? Probably. Honestly, if she would’ve let her hair down and enjoyed a party or two she might have even enjoyed sex periodically. At least we would’ve had the mental lubricant for her to talk about it. 

What is your Kink?

My wife finally took the quiz to see her kinkiness level. She was afraid to show me. In fact she still hasn’t, but she did give me a preview. She scores 93% vanilla. Well that’s not too unexpected. I mean I was always hoping for something inside her she wasn’t aware of, but in the end it is what we both kind of knew. 

I scored 13% vanilla. We are a bit apart there. Now we have more to discuss though. One online quiz does not determine the course of a marriage. But it does give us another avenue to communicate which we sorely need. 

Over the past year and a half to two years I have done quite a lot of self discovery. Learning much about myself that I either didn’t know or didn’t really understand. For my wife I think she has begun her own self discovery process earlier this year when meeting with her counselor. But they don’t discuss sex. I believe my wife is too scared to bring it up. 

One of our biggest problems is sex and we need to discuss it. What I appreciate about that quiz is that is gives us a common starting point and a set of language to use beyond the very basics. Hopefully this weekend we will have time to delve further.