Dyed Hair, Tattoos, and Piercings, part 2

Just a quick update here because I couldn’t believe this just happened. If you read my previous post you know how I feel about the above items. 

Today while I was at the gas station a car pulled up on the other side of the pump with a beautiful woman driving. She was probably 10 years my junior, but she was really beautiful so I let my eyes wander. She was wearing a simple t shirt a little loosely and her hair was done up in a high bun. The kind I really like that Meredith would do on a whim and my wife won’t do when I specifically ask her to. 

Then this woman steps out of the car and the first thing I notice is a shock of blue hair mixed up in the bun. I start to smile. She then heads off to the mini-mart attached to the gas station. As she walks away I first notice that she has nice tan legs with cute short shorts and low top converse. She’s very beautiful, and smartly if not casually dressed. But upon closer inspection I see a tattoo on her ankle running up to her calf on the inside of her left leg. Now I’m really smiling. 

When she returns from the mini-mart she walks within a few feet of me. I smile, she smiles back, and that’s when I see the nose ring. No shit! This cute little “girl next door” just hit all three of the items I mentioned in my previous post. I was smiling the whole way home thinking about her, and even now. 

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Dyed Hair, Tattoos, and Piercings 

My view of what is beautiful in a woman has started to change. This is probably a lasting impact of my time with Meredith. 

I used to wonder about women with brightly dyed hair, tattoos and strange piercings. Why would they do that to themselves? What is wrong with them? There had to be something wrong. They must be damaged, and I wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I liked normal and classic looks. 

Oh how times have changed. Meredith did not have tattoos, but she desperately wanted one. Not just any tattoo though. She really wanted me to decide on one for her. What it would be and where it would go. That is the submissive side of her. 

There was a struggle within her. A struggle between being seen as this wholesome pure woman, and having a dark sexual side. A dark side that I find absolutely beautiful. She needs to express that dark side, but still maintain her wholesome image. 

I think a lot of people struggle with this dilemma. That internal struggle between the way society wants us to be, and the way we feel we are. Sometimes it is sexual and sometimes it is not. We work hard to protect our image we want to project. We also look to find ways to express our darker side. 

Now when I see a beautiful woman who has a tattoo or a nose ring or a bright splash of green or pink in her hair I start to wonder. What is her internal struggle? Is it compatible with what I’m seeking, like Meredith’s was? I realize that these things may be done for a variety of reasons, but maybe it’s a signal of that internal struggle. Maybe there is a sexual deviant inside that mind. I know now that a person can be both wholesome and dark at once. 

I wonder especially when it comes to tattoos and piercings. Those are painful, and I would bet they are attractive to masochists. More so than the dyed hair. But even with the hair, what are you trying to project? What are you trying to tell me? I want to know. 

Unfortunately there seems to be no way to spot these qualities I seek in a woman by sight. How do you spot a beautiful masochistic submissive woman? Most of the time they are just the girl next door. Now I’ve found myself looking for these new markers, and finding them quite attractive. 

My favorite is the woman who still looks quite wholesome. She wears a sundress or skinny jeans with flats and a normal blouse. But on her shoulder or ankle you see a flash of a tattoo peeking out. Or perhaps a nose or eyebrow ring. Something small, and a little out of place, but clearly there. Clearly separating her, and possibly pointing to her internal struggle. Possibly trying to send a signal to someone. 

Is she looking for someone like me? Does she even know what she seeks? Has she found it already?

Meredith back at work?

The saga continues. My boss had lunch with Meredith this week. I learned from my boss that Meredith was considering coming back to work this next spring when her husband finishes residency. At first I assumed Meredith was just being nice. Then I learned she was only working part time right now. Perhaps this new gig isn’t going as well as planned. 

On the other hand she’s still married to H. Not sure what her plans are in reality. She plays it close to the vest. She may have only been telling my boss what she wanted them to hear to keep the relationship in good standing while pushing an actual decision far into the future. 

Of course I may be gone soon anyway. I have a final round job interview at another company next week. It’s not far away though, just over six blocks away. 

But it still makes me wonder. What is she thinking? How is she doing? Is her consideration for coming back to work here positively or negatively impacted by my presence? Had she assumed I would be gone by now?

*

My wife and I had a tough argument last night. Over something completely stupid. How it always is, right? Biggest fights over the dumbest things. In reality we just struggle to communicate. We both feel like we have to hold ourselves back, and we end up talking past each other. It’s really a struggle. For me it seems every time I open my mouth I’m offending her. We never get to root causes on anything. 

My wife now wonders why I married her in the first place. Fifteen years ago we were different people. Nothing can change the past. We can only focus on our future. I sometimes wonder why I married her too, but 15 years ago it was crystal clear. That’s that. 

One thing we discussed was counseling. I feel that my wife had again put other things ahead of our relationship. It’s always something. Many weeks later we still haven’t even been able to sit down and discuss which counselor would work for both of us. 

One idea I really liked was writing each other notes. On a podcast we listened to there was this idea of opening special email accounts just for notes to each other. I think that would work wonders for me in being able to express to her what’s going on in my mind without her hyperventilating. But we can’t do it. My wife sucks at checking email. She’s like a week behind on it and she hates it. She wants people to just tell her things. Again, we are very different. 

A Lure to be Caught

A beautiful woman who has a submissive bent is like a lure throwing herself out there to be caught. She is not the hunter. She does not make the first move. But she knows what she wants, and when the right man strikes she allows him to catch her. 

This is obviously not true of all women or all men, but I love this analogy. It fits within our broader culture as well when you think of men going to bars to hit on women. The men may be the hunters, but the women are there looking to be caught as well. Not just anyone mind you, there may be many strikes, but when the right man grabs the lure she certainly allows herself to be caught. 

Coffee with My Boss

My boss met with Meredith for coffee. I knew this was coming, but I did not know when. It was today. 

My boss came into the conference room and told the team “Meredith says Hi to everyone!” And that was it. She looked at me while she said it. There were no follow up details. 

There was so much I wanted to ask her, but I was caught off guard. I just smiled and said that’s nice to hear. But I wanted to ask how she was doing? Did she look well? Did she ask about me? IS SHE COMING BACK HERE TO WORK??? (Fairly certain that one is No). 

It’s risky to ask any for these. At some point my boss would start to wonder why I don’t just ask her myself. She knows we were close. What would I say to that? I can’t exactly tell her we are not communicating. And I certainly can’t tell her why. 

But I still want to know. I’m sure Meredith is thinking about me today. Just as I am with her. Meeting with my boss had to bring back memories. She probably had to argue with her husband to even do coffee for fear that she would meet up with me. 

I do start to wonder though. Is she over it? Did she move on. I try to remember the details of our last call. Was she upset? Did she have the same heartbreaking view of our situation? I don’t remember. I can’t recall. Perhaps I was blinded by lust. 

When does love die?

Falling in love is a very common expression and concept. We have many ways of talking about it. For some it was love at first sight. Others had to let the feeling grow on them for awhile. Some had a particular moment or event where they can pinpoint feelings changed. Everyone loves to talk about falling in love. 

What about when love dies? How do we know when that has happened? Does it require both people to be out of love or only one? Is there an alternate feeling to know you have reached that point?

I suppose love lives within each person so it would die within each person individually. That’s kind of sad to think, but the reason we have unrequited love. A love not returned. If love can die individually then it is most likely that it happens that way when couples split. One person loses the love much faster than the other. The one who remains is left hurt and angry, not able to understand how they could just move on. 

For most I would suspect love grows slowly over time and dies in a similar fashion. Even if there is an event that changes everything (such as an affair), the love often holds on for some time. 

Personally I am slow to love and slow to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I ever let go. The same is true for anger with me. It takes a lot to bring out my rage, but then I don’t forgive for decades. Perhaps this is part of my own emotional learning. I need to continue to learn how to process my emotions and understand them. 

I have found that I can have romantic love for more than one person. The love has not died with either. I don’t know if it ever can. 

Unintentional Love

Do we choose who we fall in love with? With our family that is certainly not the case. It is purely a function of birth luck. I love my family dearly, but I didn’t choose to be born within this family. 

Most of my friends were found through proximity. Either in college or high school. Even my now wife lived above me in the dorms at college. Proximity. How much did I have to do with finding any of these people I love in my life?

I suppose with my kids that was a choice. Although it’s not always a choice for everyone. Surprises happen. Even so, I love them more than anything. More than everything else really. 

What does it mean then if you fall in love with the wrong person? A forbidden person even.