January Update

The holidays have come and gone. Life was very busy there for awhile. I just couldn’t find the time to write.

Overall things are good. Life is humming along. Work is really, really busy. Stressful actually. I am ramping up a new employee; about to have another employee transfer to my team; giving a preso at our big company kickoff in two weeks; launching an entire system this month. It’s a lot.

I finished the book “The Ethical Slut”. It was very good. It really gave me hope, and a new perspective on the future. I know that most people do not fall into the world of polyamory, and it wouldn’t work for them. But as I’m reading this book it feels like home. That is a good indicator for me. I definitely think it’s worth having a discussion about with Claire.

Our counseling sessions are currently paused as our counselor has taken a long break for the month. That’s ok. We could use the break. We’ve been focused on the new year. Organizing, cleaning, etc. I setup a project plan on what to do to finish the built-in shelves and mantel I’m working on.

Claire’s job is in chaos right now. Good time for our relationship to just be stable. Her boss is a narcissistic manipulator. Claire is a people pleaser. Not a good combo. I’ve been telling her for years she needs to step down from her leadership role, but she always wants to make it work. Finally she called me crying one day after a meeting with her boss. That was it. She stepped down the next working day. But since then her boss has been spinning everything, and taking no responsibility for how she treated Claire. It’s awful to watch, but I’m proud of her for taking care of herself. This needed to be done.

I still get intense urges for BDSM, but know that Claire won’t be able to satisfy them. I think about Meredith a lot. Mostly though I just use my imagination or porn to get through. Get myself calm again. Back to a version of myself that works for Claire. Much like the last 18 years. I’m ok with it because I feel we have a direction in which to move.

This is complicated, but I’m part of a larger team of 12 and 4 of us are leaders. One VP and three of us as managers. In September one of the managers, Jim, left for another company. He was really close with the the other manager, Pam. I mean they were like brother and sister. Very close. I felt a little like the third wheel, but we all got along well. When Jim left I noticed that Pam sort of latched on to me. Part of it was that I ended up taking on a lot more responsibility since Jim left, but there were a couple of personnel situations too where I was able to provide her a lot of advice. Now we are much closer friends, similar to what she had with Jim.

Since then we’ve hired a new person to replace the Jim, but he’s still very new. It seems he took over my third wheel role.

Anyway I’m telling you all this in order to tell you that last night Pam texted me that she had something to tell me. I figured it was work related, but it was not. In fact she said her husband (whom I’ve never met) had left her in August. She felt she needed to tell me. Apparently Jim, me and one other friend are the only ones she’s told outside of family.

It’s devestating news. I had no idea. I feel very fortunate that she felt safe in telling me, but also now carry the burden of knowing my own secret I cannot share with her. It kept me up last night thinking of her situation.

Pam said it seems like a mid life crisis. I’m not sure if that means another woman was involved. She said she still hopes he will get over it and come back. My heart breaks for her. She is such a tough, no-nonsense woman. She actually said she could mention it to me over text, but still can’t say it out loud. I wish I knew what I could do to help her.

Anyway, life has been going. I’m emotionally drained today but doing ok.

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6 thoughts on “January Update

  1. DON’T GET INVOLVED IN HER PERSONAL LIFE. Comforting her, letting her call you to cry on the phone, lunch together, driving her home… all dangerous for you.
    And if she’s hoping to reconcile you can’t start a relationship with her.
    Act like the professional and leader you are. Keep your interactions work related. Don’t stay late and alone with her. Include the new ‘third wheel’ in lunch. Co-workers going to lunch shouldn’t be a ‘couple’, at least not frequently. Even if there is nothing going on the optics are very bad. (I say this from experience. I was business system analyst and only corporate member of new $5M computer system design. The CFO -it was an accounting process redesign – began spending a lot of time in my office discussing changes to processes, my updates on where project was, etc. A nosy, stupid co-worker reported me, claiming I was involved in ‘inappropriate personal behavior’ or I was having an affair with the CFO! The ensuing investigation became know to our spouses, it made meetings with the CFO tense, which impacted project. All because people misread our actions. (I’ve been married 40 yrs, never have even considered getting into relationship with another man. Problems are discussed – because I’m a pushy bitch when necessary, with a small anger issue and no problem with violence😎).
    Keep Pam at a safe professional level. Conversations, texts, emails, should all stay something that your wife or other co-workers could read.
    This is a dangerous situation for you, based on the history you’ve given us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is dangerous but I don’t feel that way about her. This isn’t like Sydney. We have already crossed many of those boundaries simply because our team is very close. Almost like family. And that is kind of how I see her – like a sister. I really don’t see this going anywhere and I don’t want it to anyway. I just hurt for her and her children.

      Thankfully she knows my wife, my kids and I know her kids. That helps keep a good separation.

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      1. Just keep the relationship professional. Don’t spend a lot of time alone with her – no frequent lunches together even if just to talk about her or your marriages or feelings. Never go to her house by yourself, or vice versa. She wants to work out her marital problems but that cannot happen if the two of you get too close, even just as ‘best friends’. The optics look bad to outsiders who don’t know the whole situation.
        It is admirable that you want to help her thru difficult times but try not to get more involved than ‘water cooler’ conversations. If you can’t tell Claire about your discussions and interactions with this woman you shouldn’t be doing them. Affairs start with secrets.

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  2. I just realized something interesting. Your BDSM needs are something that your wife can’t really help you with. And I totally understand about not wanting a partner who is just doing it for you.

    About twenty years ago I was writing erotica and one episode included two husbands, of swinging couples, enjoying some bisexual activities. When my wife read that part she said it was hot and asked if I’d ever considered something like that. I told her that, sure, I’d thought about it and thought it might be interesting.

    She said that, since it was something that she just wasn’t able to do with me, she’d be OK with me trying it with someone else. OK, I did and found that it just really isn’t my thing. 🙂

    But now that she no longer wants intimacy, I wonder why she hasn’t made the same offer? I just really don’t see a difference but, evidently, she does.

    On October 30th of last year, I brought up my feelings of discontent with our celibate marriage. She was nice about it but, pretty much, said it was just something I needed to learn to deal with. There was no hint that any other solution was available.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rich, has your wife given you a reason for sexless marriage? There is a reason she no longer wants to be intimate. If She has no physical or mental issues (depression and drugs to treat it can kill libido). In absence of obvious reasons, did she pull away after the BDSM, swinging discussion?

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  3. Question about BDSM leanings: You said you are a dom. Do you only want to inflict pain or want to feel pain too? Some couples contain 2 doms (power struggle) or two subs (nothing gets done without bringing a 3rd party Dom into the bedroom (or dungeon).
    Some doms never have sex (except maybe getting a blow job) with the sub. It’s all about the dominating another, making sub feel pain, maybe a little shame for the true sadists. Gender of sub can be less important than submissiveness.
    From what you’ve said, you seek the sexual release too.
    In both situations the dom and sub usually develop close relationships since trust and vulnerability are important. Spouses often feel threatened as that relationship grows in trust and intimacy.
    I half seriously suggest finding a male sub. Less threatening to the primary relationship and often appeals to wives leading them to join in.
    With your past and recent histories, you appear to develop emotional bonds easily and quickly. If you seriously don’t want to get drawn into another affair, you probably should avoid bringing third, fourth or more people into the primary.

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