Long Odds

I am not afraid of long odds. There seems to be a general thought that opening your marriage dooms it to failure. That the odds are against it working. Frankly I don’t care. Just because everyone is doing something a certain way does not mean I have to follow suit. The wisdom of the crowd isn’t my cup of tea. Statistics are made to be broken, and in this case the statistics are sparse to begin with.

I am different than most people. I know this. I understand this. I see the world differently. I really shouldn’t expect to be able to follow the standard script. Looking at alternative ways of doing things suits me quite well.

It’s popular today to cut the cord with cable. Yet I made the decision back in 2002 when 90% of US households had pay TV. 90%! Only one out of ten had no pay TV. I didn’t have streaming until 2011.

Today minivans have a bad rap. People visibly cringe at the thought of them. Yet I rebuke all the minivan haters, and stand firmly on the side of how wonderful they are – even before I had kids. I live in an ultra liberal city, yet own guns and love to hunt. When I was young I lived in Bible country yet was not religious. As I got older I moved to the city and attempted to find religion (I have now given up on that). My wife and I have taken business practices, like kanban, and use it in our family life. In many ways I end up rejecting the status quo.

With marriage it is no different. I’m finding the standard script left wanting. It does not work for me. It’s confining in a way that doesn’t allow me to be me. It feels like a boot on my neck forcing me to behave the way society wants me to behave.

Why not throw out the rules? Look to other examples and other cultures. What has worked there? What things can we find? Is this version of marriage the only version that works? Because the success rate is awful. If we objectively look at it, what are the goals and how can we brainstorm alternate solutions? I firmly believe with the myriad of people in the world there are likely to be a myriad of marriage arrangements. Who says the government and church are the ones to decide how we live out lives?

There are a wide range of people and personalities out there falling along a distribution. Generally most people will fall near the middle, and within the acceptable societal standards. Yet at the ends of the distribution you will find a lot of people who do not fit those standards. If you have 300 million people in the US and only focus on the highest and lowest 2.5% that is still 15 million people! Why do we force them to fit in the mold of the other 285 million?

Right now I’m reconsidering everything. That was the mode I was in with TV, minivans, and even introducing the kanban process. There are ways to make things work even if nine out of ten people don’t like it or it scares them. I’m not them or even like them. I have within myself the ability to work on this problem without getting wrapped up in “should” and “never works” statements. To find a solution that works for me even if it isn’t what everyone else does. Even if it fails 60% of the time it’s tried. I should remind you monogamous marriages fail at quite a high rate as well.

When it comes to the sexual side of my relationship with Claire we have some issues that need addressing. Yet the rest of our marriage is actually doing really well. I’m going to explore various options to achieving happiness on the sexual side. I’m going to read about alternate ideas. I’m going to look at other cultures and models of living. I’m going to propose trying things. Staying invested in the marriage while working on an unmet need.

I would appreciate if you come along with an open mind. Perhaps you will learn something new about relationship models. Perhaps your views will be confirmed. Hard to say, but being open to new possibilities, even statistically unlikely possibilities, is a good trait to have.


4 thoughts on “Long Odds

    1. I have thought about it, but it doesn’t interest me very much. Both of those options cost money. That alone would upset Claire quite a lot. But even for me personally it seems fake to pay for it. I wouldn’t rule it out, but I would say it’s quite a long shot. Especially when there are people out there who legitimately would enjoy a mutual relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. “Some research suggests that open marriage has a 92 percent failure rate. Steve Brody, Ph.D., a psychologist in Cambria, California, explains that less than 1 percent of married people are in open marriages“

    You may not be afraid of long odds, but maybe Claire is.

    Is it possible that after everything you’ve put her through she still doesn’t want to lose you? (And would that change if she knew about Sidney?)

    Claire has nothing to gain by opening the relationship.
    Have you considered that the reason she is not rushing into action on the issue of open marriage is because she does not want to do it.
    It would be be kinder to her and save her emotional and mental pain by getting a divorce. For a woman with Claire’s background, I think a single divorce would be less emotionally destructive than knowing your husband was cheating with other women on a weekly basis. And for a woman with a religious upbringing, even when cloaked in the term ‘Open Marriage’, it would still be infidelity.

    Right now you’re giving Claire the unsaid choice: Open Marriage or Divorce or Unhappy Marriage Knowing You Are Willing To Cheat.

    She is not able to give you the kink you want, no matter how hard she tries.


  2. If it’s BDSM you want, have you considered joining a BDSM club. (One of the large, organized ones you’ll find in bigger cities, not a group of friends getting kinky)?
    Yes you pay membership, but they have everything your heart and fantasy could drsire. And it is emotion and relationship free at most. Which makes it less hurtful to the non-involved partner.

    Remember – when infidelity is discovered, men ask “Did you have sex with him?”. Women ask “Did you love her?”. The emotional attachment to the other woman is often the most devastating part of the affair to a woman.

    Liked by 1 person

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