My wife and I took a trip to London together not long ago. No kids. It was good to get away. There was a lot of time for thinking, reading, and talking without kids interrupting. Oh and sleep. Once we got past the jet lag anyway.

I spent a lot of time reflecting. My feelings for Sydney all but died. I can see how little I need her in my life. She’s a cancer and not part of my future. I don’t even feel attracted to her anymore. I do not care what she does with her life. I can’t understand how I became so hooked on her so quickly, but having time away allowed me to put her in perspective. Not just in thought, but also emotionally.

I spent a lot of time reading philosophy books and Esther Perel’s books. She talks a lot about affairs.

Claire and I also spent a decent amount of time just the two of us. It reconfirmed my love for her. Claire is a good woman. A good wife. A good mother. She has so many wonderful qualities, and we have built a really good life together. I want to be with her. I would say that it was during this trip that I really felt that I want to be with her again.

At one point I told her that I’m glad she chose to stay with me. I know I wasn’t happy and had been figuring things out, but she didn’t leave and I appreciated that.

We did have two arguments while traveling. One of them was very typical for us. I said something that was my opinion, and she took offense to it. Normally I would’ve gone down the rabbit hole with her , but I didn’t. I stopped myself, and let her be upset. I told her what I was thinking, and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It was an opinion, and I’m allowed to have them. She thought about it for a bit, and got over it. It was good to break our pattern and, grow apart together. We came out of it stronger.

This doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory. In fact our sex life has become more defined, and not necessarily in a good way. We try new things, but we don’t seem to really progress. Finally we had a night last week where I had finished working out, and wanted nothing more than to come upstairs and be a dominant man and take my wife. On my way up the stairs I started second guessing myself. This nagging thought that Claire would not enjoy it wouldn’t go away.

When I finally got to the top of the stairs she had a list of to do’s, and was nowhere near being desirous of a dominant husband. Instead I told her what I was thinking. At first she said “yes you could’ve absolutely done that!” But that didn’t seem genuine so I pressed her. I described a couple of scenarios where I was in charge. She clarified that as long as certain criteria were met then it would be great. I dug in on the criteria. She repeated the word “fairness” which I reminded her is relative. To me what I was planning was fair, but to her it was not. She said “I would do it but I would prefer it was more fair.” I told her I don’t want her to “do it” because she loves me. I want her to want me. To want it. To be turned on by erotic desire. She admitted that wasn’t happening.

In the end she still needs to be in charge and setting the rules of fairness is her way of doing that. She cannot let go and enjoy letting me leave our sex life. I can lead – as long as I follow all her rules and do everything the way she would do it if she were leading. Of course she denies this is her intent, but the impact is the same. It makes me the leader in name only. An absolute mood killer for me.

That is a pattern we fall into quite often. I’m trying to reach her on an erotic desire level, and she is “allowing” me to continue out of love. She does not have the erotic desire. When we are in this sexual zone I want to see and experience an erotic connection with her. I think it’s core to us succeeding sexually. Perel agrees.

Reading through the books there was a common theme that just makes my heart sink each time. The theme is to think back to when things were steamy in your relationship, and work to rekindle that fire. We never had that steam. That has been a sore point for me forever, and I didn’t even realize how much until I met Meredith. Everytime I read a line like that I want to throw the book across the room. It is so disheartening. As if I threw away most of my life – a part that is so important to me.

We are back from London now. Happier. Closer. I want her in my life. I want my family together. But what to do about sex…


7 thoughts on “London

    1. No. Just a lower than average sex drive and very little sexual imagination. Her idea of fun sex is boring to me. She likes safe, loving, non-adventurous, end of the day only sex. No fantasies really. Power plays or acting taboo doesn’t sit well with her. The sex she likes you could almost talk about in public. It’s PC sex.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Even in the very beginning you never had the ‘steamy’, insatiable sex? I thought everyone went through that relationship phase. Just seeing the other person turns all your thoughts to sex. Erotic daydreams distract you. You flirt with each other all the time. Can’t keep your hands off each other. Sex 3 times a day. When you have sex it can get loud and crazy and sometimes things get broken. And both of you are burning with desire so you take every opportunity to rip each others clothes off and have sex, often in the most uncomfortable places at some pretty inappropriate times leading to some damned embarrassing moments. Which you both laugh about.
    NOTE- This was when we were all in our 20s, and was in the early years of relationships. At one point husband-to-be and I lived in a huge house with 5 other people, all in beginning of serious relationships. It was often awkward: turn-the-tv-up-to-drown-out-the-screaming loud, discarded clothing in the hall, the sound of bed frames breaking (I put my box springs/mattress on the floor). People running into the living room asking for condoms while a group of us watched tv. I’ve even seen a couple guys leave in the middle of League baseball games when they spotted the wife on the sideline, returning 1/2 hr later.
    I honestly thought almost all young people in the first stage of love were like that. Maybe my circle of friends were aberration. Was a damn large group of deviants. Maybe it was just the times – this was late 70s-early 80s.
    Did later generations become more sexually restrained, even in marriage?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That sounds wonderful. No they did not happen. Claire wanted to remain a virgin until married. She was raised with a church background. I wouldn’t say strong but it seemed to stick with her. It took me a YEAR of convincing her before we had sex for the first time. She was angry at me for that. We continued having sex infrequently until we were married three years later but she never really enjoyed it. She would do it for me. She claimed it would change when we were married. It didn’t really. She enjoys sex more now but it’s very formulaic with her. We never got that crazy passionate sex time you talk about. I would have loved that!


  2. If you’d had 3 or 4 yrs of that first stage of love/lust you probably would never have married Claire. Because you would have had a pretty good idea about your sexual needs and desires.
    I told both my kids they should live with someone for awhile before deciding to get married. My daughter had 4 live-in relationships (2 engagements, 1 marriage) in 12 yrs. My son took the ‘male’ route – only 1 serious relationship in 8 yrs but lots of ‘friends’ at college and traveling through Europe at age 21. (Still single at 30🙄).
    I truly thought all new couples in love were drowning in lust and sex. I still see that in young couples. As for the more sexually open and adventuresome attitude – Very possibly the rise of the life changing STDs took away that sense of freedom and exploration.

    I feel a little sad for you, no insult intended, because I think you wou would have probably had wonderful time, had your boundaries pushed as far as you could handle, and would now be married to someone who woke you in the morning with a blow job, bought handcuffs and floggers online….

    Don’t know what to say. You have my sympathy, but so does Claire. You two are just poles apart in sexuality. And I don’t think there is a way to solve it without someone getting hurt.
    I think asking her to ‘tag team’ with Meredith is incredibly insulting to Claire.
    I’m sure there is some Puritanical man out there who would fall in love with Claire and they could have some wild missionary sex with the lights off.
    Maybe you need to go your own ways. Let you look for a pretty sub.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with you on the first part. 100%. I wish I would’ve experienced more when I was younger.

      I’m sure most are drowning in sex. I hear it and see it all the time now. I seem to have found an abberation: a woman with a low sex drive combined with very traditional church values. Meredith, on the other hand, was having sex three times a day with her now husband within weeks of dating.

      You are free to feel sad. I feel sad. I agree with you. I would have been able to learn and explore more. I would have been in tune with what I really desired.

      I know you think it’s insulting and that exactly the mindframe I’m trying to challenge. Why is sharing this one aspect of our life insulting? She is free to say no. She is free to tell me she wants something different too. I think it’s worth bringing up and talking about. Better to discuss and be adults about it than just run out the door without giving it a chance.


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