I hesitate to even publish this. But I will. I always do. I gave up on Sydney a couple weeks ago. We were through. I blocked her on our messaging app. I told her she caused me too much pain, and I felt that she did not respect me. Then I spent much of my time without her trying to move on. It actually felt nice to not have that emotional burden anymore. Somewhat freeing. Back to my old self. There was sadness though.
Then yesterday happened. She wanted to chat. She was very concerned for me because I have been quite sick. I have also been short with her via work chat. She has maintained her respect for me the whole time which I appreciate. She did not overreact or anything to how I was feeling. She felt very bad for making me feel that way.
Today we spoke openly again for the first time in awhile. She turned the world upside down again. Apparently she has wanted to speak with me because she had a long discussion with her boyfriend where they agreed to have a slightly open relationship. No dating apps, but if someone comes along then they are allowed to have a sexual relationship with that person outside of their primary relationship.
I know this was something Sydney had been considering for a while, and had even spoken with her boyfriend about it before me, but they never really settled on anything. Until now. Essentially she is in the clear to have a relationship with me without it being an affair (for her). There are rules they have come up with for sure, but this is a major major development.
One of the major hurdles for her stopping a physical relationship with me was not wanting to betray her boyfriend. That hurdle is gone. She was very open in our discussion about wanting a full physical relationship if we can figure out the practicalities. Like where. It’s not easy to find regular meet up locations. At least not cheap ones.
Of course the other major issue is my own primary relationship. We both agreed not to move forward with a physical relationship right now until that is figured out. Honestly I’ve wondered and thought about the idea of an open relationship for years, but I know Claire won’t like the idea. However with this new differentiation topic maybe I need to bring it up, and stop being so concerned with her feelings. She can tell me her thoughts and feelings rather than going purely off my assumptions.
Because frankly this may be an answer to many of the things bothering me. From marrying young to feelings of missing out on relationship growth to new experiences and adventure. All the while maintaining my core relationship.
Then today the other shoe dropped from Sydney. I feel sick for even thinking this was part of my future. During her whole discussion with her boyfriend it turns out she wasn’t even thinking of me. WASN’T EVEN THINKING OF ME! What the serious fuck? Heart wrenching. She spent most of lunch laying into me about how wrong it is for us to be together physically. How inconvenient it is for her. How she wants all of that, but not with me. Shouldn’t I be proud of her? OMG. My head is reeling. Like seriously.
We went to lunch to work out some details. I thought we were working out communication and logistic details. I’m not sure what she had in mind, but it turned into “rip Ryan’s heart apart”. She did so very cooly, calmly, and with little remorse. In her head I’m sure she was “just stating facts”, and she couldn’t be sure “how I didn’t know all this already.” Well for starters you would’ve had to communicate – something she struggles with.
I went back through our text communication and my notes, as well as just remembering incidents. She was vague and question dodging at all times. There is no way for me to know what is on her mind because she doesn’t share it. We had a relationship of trust in one direction only.
The whole thing makes me sick. What she did to me, the way she treated me was cruel. Not just mean but cruel. I have never been treated as cruelly by someone who claims to care for me. It was outrageous. Then to have her claim she just wants us to be friends. F that. I would never be friends with someone who could be that cruel and cold hearted to me. She had no empathy for what she was putting me through. None. In her life she has all this sympathy for all these disadvantaged people all over the world whom she will never meet, but a real life person standing right in front of her in pain, and she had no empathy at all. Let alone the fact she was the one dishing out the pain.
Selfish is a good word to describe her. She of course continually made me to be the selfish one, but it was always her. We always did things on her terms. When she was free. When it was convenient for her. Never a sacrifice from her for me or us. Always me. She never understood or appreciated that. Even at the end she even told me at lunch that she could see us having a physical relationship a couple times a week if I didn’t have my wife or my kids and lived closer to her. Yes, read that. If I destroy my entire life in a way that could make it convenient for her then we could possibly have a relationship. No thought to what that was to me. The extreme selfishness left me without words.
For now I’m just going to think about how to react to this. Im tired of being a wounded animal. Her response was appalling and I’m through with her.