Sydney, the story

I’m feeling rather down right now. That woman knows how to fuck with my emotions.

What happened that Thursday afternoon that changed my perspective? First we have to go back a couple weeks. You see she started pulling back from me little by little over a couple of weeks. I would talk to her about it, and she would say things like she just needs a little space but she is still totally in this relationship and doesn’t want to just be friends. We went from pretty hot and heavy times together intermixed with long walks full of intellectual discussion to only some light kissing and a few hugs and then only when she initiated. If I initiated she would say no. It was very confusing.

We had some very blunt and direct talks about it. She kept alluding to my only wanting her for sex, which was not true. Wanting an intimate physical connection with a person as part of a larger relationship is important in romantic relationships, but not the whole of it. What was so difficult for me to understand is how we went from a very good physical relationship to one that barely included hugging. The more I explained what I needed the less she seemed to hear. She was very focused on her own perspective and needs. Obviously thinking my needs are less important because I’m only a man. The phrase “you’re a man” or some version of that came up frequently.

Finally we went to a bar for happy hour, and it was a bit uncomfortable. On the way out I finally told her that this isn’t what I wanted. I want what we had. She said it was too much for her, and could we just be friends. There finally she said it. I paused and stepped away from her. At this point I was not even allowed to brush against her.

I told her I did not sign up for a platonic relationship, and I’ve been clear with her about that from the beginning. She said she understood, but hopes I can make it work. I told her it wasn’t fair, and I didn’t appreciate that she couldn’t respect how that made me feel. It didn’t matter. She was very self absorbed. She could not understand what I was feeling or why physical touch was important. We said goodbye at the bus without even a hug.

As I walked to my own bus the thoughts of the last few weeks rushed into my head in waves. All the words she had said. The reassurances without any follow up action. The need for me to support her in a difficult work situation while getting nothing I needed in return. Her ability to turn any of my legitimate relationship needs into “you’re just a man who wants sex.” When I sent her an article about the different ways men and women express and receive love she didn’t even read it. Just stuck to her own thoughts of what was happening to me and ignoring the emotional pain she was putting me through. As if I was expendable.

On the bus I sent her a text saying that there was a lot I wanted to say, but I know if I do it will just come out angry and petty. Because I’m very VERY upset. Instead I’m just going to say that I learned a lot from our highs and lows.

She responded by saying she didn’t mean to make me angry and she learned a lot too. Then nothing until 3pm the next day. Yes. Nearly an entire day and not a single word. When she did message me she thanked me for giving her space. WTF?! She can have all the fucking space she needs.

I responded with: I feel very hurt which leads to anger. I don’t really want to interact with you right now. I will be friendly with you for work but that’s my limit right now.

She responded: I understand. You have the right to feel that way.

I have the right to feel that way? I’m telling you she sucks at relationships. She does not get to give me permission to feel. She did not apologize. She did not fight to keep me. She did not try to understand how she made me feel.

That is how it ended. That is why I was so angry. For weeks it’s been this awful battle between words and actions with the casualty being my emotional well-being. She didn’t care. She didn’t think of how it would impact me. She is emotionally stunted herself, and really bad at being there for others. She would say and promise one thing, but then never follow through time and again. I had had enough. Actions speak louder than words.

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14 thoughts on “Sydney, the story

  1. Wait a minute IMPATIENT MARRIED MAN.

    Are you angry she is not “hearing” you about your needs and wants? No, you’re angry she is not giving you what you say you need and want.

    You reference the word “relationship” throughout your post – YOU’RE MARRIED.

    You also wrote that she was very self absorbed – OMG – ARE. YOU. SERIOUS.

    Your last paragraph:
    For weeks it’s been this awful battle between words and actions with the casualty being my emotional well-being. She didn’t care. She didn’t think of how it would impact me. She is emotionally stunted herself, and really bad at being there for others. She would say and promise one thing, but then never follow through time and again. I had had enough. Actions speak louder than words.

    The above excerpt IS HOW YOUR WIFE FEELS ABOUT YOU.

    Reading this has made me roll my eyes enough times for my annual allotment of allowable eye rolls.

    Seriously. You need some SERIOUS help.

    HOLY SHIT.

    Liked by 8 people

  2. She sounds like a selfish bitch. You are better off without her, had the relationship worked out you would have been just as miserable as you are right now, just in a different way. I’m sorry that you are suffering such emotional pain, I’ve been through it, it sucks and my heart truly goes out to you. This woman is not even worthy of one more second of anger. By being angry at her (although it’s more than justifiable) you are still giving her the power to affect and hurt you. Chin up, there is someone out there that’s perfect for you but you’ll not find her radiating the negative energy from the anger over this narcissistic woman.

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      1. My bad, I’m new and should have read further back and had all of the facts before I put my two cents in. Sydney, my apologies. Now that I know all of the facts, Good for you for standing up for yourself and removing yourself from a toxic situation.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I wondered how you were going to get this thing going again. Genius! We will all concentrate on Sydney. What she said, what she did, but this next installment has a sell by date. You are going to have to reintroduced us to Meredith or get Sydney do something so outrageous that you ghost her and Wait! here is another woman panting after you. What is her name. Let’s name her Penelope. Claire, in the meantime has to be sent overseas with Doctors WithoutBorders. That will get her out of the picture. What in the world will we do with the children. Okay, I got it. The babysitter. A cliche but a good one. It causes all kinds of stink.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. One can only hope. I feel like she is, but maybe with dealing with those first few months after Dday, where everything is skewed and messed up in your head, she may not be trusting that instinct.

      I could be wrong, but I feel like this is real. I don’t even know if it’s sex he wants. He seems to be after that initial high of what he feels is love.

      The sheer amount of selfishness is going to end up leaving him very alone and sad. But selfishness is right out of the cheaters handbook. Blame all around you for not giving you what you think you want and need, when reality is you’re broken inside and it’s not those around you that have failed you, it’s how you see yourself.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The way he’s focused on the wrong thing is very familiar to me. My ex acted like this when he started cheating. It was like someone took over his body and mind. I can only imagine what he is like at home. He probably doesn’t even realize it. The torment in him is palpable but I’m not sure he realizes that he is causing this and that he is lost. I’m guessing he needs a different therapist. One with a tougher method of counseling. Not one that babies and tiptoes around his feelings. Maybe he’s not ready to hear what is being said. On here he has been given some really solid advice that he seems to think is wrong. So who knows.

        Liked by 3 people

  4. Why are you not separated yet. Clearly you will be now looking for your next conquests. I do realize separating is a big decision but you don’t want to be in this marriage so do Clair favour and leave. Then persue any woman to your hearts content.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I read this today and thought of you. I hope, for your sake, you understand this before it’s too late:

    I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

    We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

    I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

    We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

    This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

    Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

    I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

    She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

    Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

    We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

    I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

    New beginnings

    Life was sweet!

    Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

    But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

    We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

    I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

    Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

    Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

    I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

    If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

    She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

    I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

    Regret sets in

    But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

    And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

    Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

    My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

    Too late

    And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

    She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

    I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

    I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

    My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

    She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

    It should have been me.

    Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

    Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

    Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

    “HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.
    #Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu

    Liked by 4 people

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