I’m feeling rather down right now. That woman knows how to fuck with my emotions.
What happened that Thursday afternoon that changed my perspective? First we have to go back a couple weeks. You see she started pulling back from me little by little over a couple of weeks. I would talk to her about it, and she would say things like she just needs a little space but she is still totally in this relationship and doesn’t want to just be friends. We went from pretty hot and heavy times together intermixed with long walks full of intellectual discussion to only some light kissing and a few hugs and then only when she initiated. If I initiated she would say no. It was very confusing.
We had some very blunt and direct talks about it. She kept alluding to my only wanting her for sex, which was not true. Wanting an intimate physical connection with a person as part of a larger relationship is important in romantic relationships, but not the whole of it. What was so difficult for me to understand is how we went from a very good physical relationship to one that barely included hugging. The more I explained what I needed the less she seemed to hear. She was very focused on her own perspective and needs. Obviously thinking my needs are less important because I’m only a man. The phrase “you’re a man” or some version of that came up frequently.
Finally we went to a bar for happy hour, and it was a bit uncomfortable. On the way out I finally told her that this isn’t what I wanted. I want what we had. She said it was too much for her, and could we just be friends. There finally she said it. I paused and stepped away from her. At this point I was not even allowed to brush against her.
I told her I did not sign up for a platonic relationship, and I’ve been clear with her about that from the beginning. She said she understood, but hopes I can make it work. I told her it wasn’t fair, and I didn’t appreciate that she couldn’t respect how that made me feel. It didn’t matter. She was very self absorbed. She could not understand what I was feeling or why physical touch was important. We said goodbye at the bus without even a hug.
As I walked to my own bus the thoughts of the last few weeks rushed into my head in waves. All the words she had said. The reassurances without any follow up action. The need for me to support her in a difficult work situation while getting nothing I needed in return. Her ability to turn any of my legitimate relationship needs into “you’re just a man who wants sex.” When I sent her an article about the different ways men and women express and receive love she didn’t even read it. Just stuck to her own thoughts of what was happening to me and ignoring the emotional pain she was putting me through. As if I was expendable.
On the bus I sent her a text saying that there was a lot I wanted to say, but I know if I do it will just come out angry and petty. Because I’m very VERY upset. Instead I’m just going to say that I learned a lot from our highs and lows.
She responded by saying she didn’t mean to make me angry and she learned a lot too. Then nothing until 3pm the next day. Yes. Nearly an entire day and not a single word. When she did message me she thanked me for giving her space. WTF?! She can have all the fucking space she needs.
I responded with: I feel very hurt which leads to anger. I don’t really want to interact with you right now. I will be friendly with you for work but that’s my limit right now.
She responded: I understand. You have the right to feel that way.
I have the right to feel that way? I’m telling you she sucks at relationships. She does not get to give me permission to feel. She did not apologize. She did not fight to keep me. She did not try to understand how she made me feel.
That is how it ended. That is why I was so angry. For weeks it’s been this awful battle between words and actions with the casualty being my emotional well-being. She didn’t care. She didn’t think of how it would impact me. She is emotionally stunted herself, and really bad at being there for others. She would say and promise one thing, but then never follow through time and again. I had had enough. Actions speak louder than words.