I did it! At 8:30 I went to coffee with Sydney as expected. On our walk afterward I told her that this wasn’t working, and I think we needed to end our relationship. I couldn’t continue with the way we were going.
She was caught off guard. She was genuinely happy to see me. Thinking nothing was wrong. Then I dumped that on her. She got a little defensive wondering how I could dump this on her out of the blue. I reminded her that it wasn’t out of the blue. We talked last week and it didn’t go well. Then she brought up that my love was conditional which hurt because the condition she was thinking was sex and that isn’t true. It is conditional on wanting to feel happy about the relationship.
She was quietly angry and hurt. I could see it. She has some deep abandonment and trust issues anyway so this wasn’t a positive thing for her to experience. We sort of walked quietly back to the office.
An hour later I tried to send her a message, but she had blocked me on text. Ouch. I sent her a message via our work chat, and she said a couple things that were from a place of defensiveness. I told her we can continue to be work friends, and I would support her on her hunt for a new job.
Then she asked if she could talk to me again. I agreed.
This is where I failed. Where my plan disintegrated. Where my need to move on was trumped by the tenderness of a woman. My strength left me, and I fell into her again.
She was genuinely hurt by my rejection. She seemed surprised at how much my rejection meant to her. How much I meant to her. She did not want to lose me. It upset her that it seemed I was so quickly able to toss her aside. She did not see how hard it was for me or how sick I felt all morning. She begged me to at least give her a chance. To help her understand what I needed, and give her a chance to be there for me.
Sydney was also very emphatic that she did not want to end up in the friend zone. It wasn’t what she wanted for us. She wanted to do more. To be more for me. She admitted she wasn’t in a great state of mind last week when we talked. She missed how important things were. Her sincerity was touching and heart warming.
We discussed all this while walking to a coffee shop. While sitting enjoying a coffee we kissed. In the course of 90 minutes I went from leaving her to kissing her again.
My life has become a soap opera. A very tragic one.