Breaking the Spell

There is something about Sydney that puts a hold on me. There are very few women who can do this to me. Very few. She has it. The hold she has is toxic for me though. I need to break it. I know this.

A dark part of me really wants to keep my relationship with her. To keep enjoying the positive times we have. To keep enjoying the depth of friendship we experience. To keep enjoying the slight physical connection we have and hoping for more. I know it’s a dark part of me. A self sabotaging part of me.

The light part of me wants to end it. To focus 100% on the above board parts of my life. My marriage and family. The best way to refocus is to kick Sydney out of my brain. To free up the time and space for the responsible solutions. To turn the dark side of my brain to my marriage as well.

What I end up doing is waffling back and forth. You can read my struggle daily in my writing. Some days I feel very strong and move toward the light. Other days sadness takes over, and the dark becomes more attractive. Many times Sydney has the ability to pull me toward the darkness. It’s part of the spell she has on me. There are times I’m convinced I can just end it, then I see Sydney and she talks me right back to being with her. Or she she will touch me in a loving way or sneak a kiss. Then my brain will jump right back to the dark side.

Part of it is sadness. When she is away from me I feel sadness. A loss. Then when she returns to me in some fashion the sadness goes away. Those feelings are hard to control. They completely mess with my brain.

An interesting thing about Sydney, though, is that if I could just get over the hump I know I could be fine without her. I could do those things that I read about doing to get over Meredith. I could think of the ways we didn’t work, and how she made me feel bad. I can do that and move on. I know I can. Sydney isn’t perfect.

Meredith is different. I still can’t feel that way about her even after all this time. She was wonderful. She is a wonderful person and there is very little of her that conflicted with me. After seeing what Sydney is like I can now understand and appreciate that difference. The spell will never be broken with Meredith, but I know I can get there with Sydney.

Sydney and I have not exchanged any messages or anything since yesterday afternoon. It both heartens and saddens me. On the one hand I’m very proud of myself for focusing on the things important to me this weekend. On the other hand does she really care so little to not reach out even once? I absolutely know that she will try to convince me that she thinks of me constantly, but just doesn’t like texting. But frankly I’m tired of hearing it. Show me.

She won’t show me. It’s not top of her mind. She isn’t spending half the time wondering why I’m not texting or what I’m up to. She’s just doing her thing. I will do the same. She isn’t wondering how I’m doing with life or what my struggles are right now. She’s too busy in her own world. She has complete control over how she wants to communicate with me. I’m certain this weekend will show me how important I am, and hopefully give me the push to move on.

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7 thoughts on “Breaking the Spell

  1. You need to move on. Be done with Sydney. Seperate from your wife then find a woman who you feel you can connect too. Don’t lead your wife on thinking that your marriage can be saved. Let her go and fine someone new. That’s the only fair thing to do.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What young, early 30s chick doesn’t like texting? 🤔😒 she’s ignoring you. I do it. We all do it.
    You’re beating yourself up over someone who doesn’t love you.
    Focus on you and what you need.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She seriously doesn’t. It’s not me. The other members of her team make fun of her for it too. I’m telling you this is not a woman you can easily fit in a box. Hence my interest in her. But I still believe if you do share love then you will communicate at some level.

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  3. Haven’t read this for awhile but reading the last 2 weeks it is very obvious she doesn’t love you. Here life and love revolves around her boyfriend. You are the ‘side guy’ who makes her feel sexually desired and supplies the exhilaration and adrenaline rush of clandestine meetings etc.
    If your flirting, kisses, caresses are firing up her libido, her boyfriend is probably reaping the benefits of your foreplay.
    But you’re correct. When she’s with him she’s not pining for you. She’s not on vacation thinking it would be better with you.
    And despite her protestations and teary eyes, if you were to disappear from her life she would not grieve you for months.
    She has a full life and plans for her future with her boyfriend.
    She has set rules so you don’t intrude on that life too much.
    But you’ve let this relationship rip your life to shreds, leave your future unclear.
    End the affair, divorce Clair as amicably as possible, and work with a therapist to help you clear the chaos from your mind and feel life is under control.

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