There is something about Sydney that puts a hold on me. There are very few women who can do this to me. Very few. She has it. The hold she has is toxic for me though. I need to break it. I know this.
A dark part of me really wants to keep my relationship with her. To keep enjoying the positive times we have. To keep enjoying the depth of friendship we experience. To keep enjoying the slight physical connection we have and hoping for more. I know it’s a dark part of me. A self sabotaging part of me.
The light part of me wants to end it. To focus 100% on the above board parts of my life. My marriage and family. The best way to refocus is to kick Sydney out of my brain. To free up the time and space for the responsible solutions. To turn the dark side of my brain to my marriage as well.
What I end up doing is waffling back and forth. You can read my struggle daily in my writing. Some days I feel very strong and move toward the light. Other days sadness takes over, and the dark becomes more attractive. Many times Sydney has the ability to pull me toward the darkness. It’s part of the spell she has on me. There are times I’m convinced I can just end it, then I see Sydney and she talks me right back to being with her. Or she she will touch me in a loving way or sneak a kiss. Then my brain will jump right back to the dark side.
Part of it is sadness. When she is away from me I feel sadness. A loss. Then when she returns to me in some fashion the sadness goes away. Those feelings are hard to control. They completely mess with my brain.
An interesting thing about Sydney, though, is that if I could just get over the hump I know I could be fine without her. I could do those things that I read about doing to get over Meredith. I could think of the ways we didn’t work, and how she made me feel bad. I can do that and move on. I know I can. Sydney isn’t perfect.
Meredith is different. I still can’t feel that way about her even after all this time. She was wonderful. She is a wonderful person and there is very little of her that conflicted with me. After seeing what Sydney is like I can now understand and appreciate that difference. The spell will never be broken with Meredith, but I know I can get there with Sydney.
Sydney and I have not exchanged any messages or anything since yesterday afternoon. It both heartens and saddens me. On the one hand I’m very proud of myself for focusing on the things important to me this weekend. On the other hand does she really care so little to not reach out even once? I absolutely know that she will try to convince me that she thinks of me constantly, but just doesn’t like texting. But frankly I’m tired of hearing it. Show me.
She won’t show me. It’s not top of her mind. She isn’t spending half the time wondering why I’m not texting or what I’m up to. She’s just doing her thing. I will do the same. She isn’t wondering how I’m doing with life or what my struggles are right now. She’s too busy in her own world. She has complete control over how she wants to communicate with me. I’m certain this weekend will show me how important I am, and hopefully give me the push to move on.