Holding Steady

I barely saw Sydney yesterday because she ended up working late. Then today she left town with her boyfriend for a long weekend. We messaged some about work, but relatively nothing relationship-wise.

She hates her job. She has a shitty boss. It’s pretty clear she will be leaving the company we both work for soon. I seriously can’t make this stuff up. Meredith left after I helped her with her resume, and now I’m helping Sydney with her resume. It’s completely crazy. I told Sydney about the odd similarity, and she actually got a little jealous. Cute. Either way it appears the problem of dealing with her in a work environment is taking care of itself.

Also I’ve told her that what we have is not working for me. I need more of her if this is to work. She frankly said this is working for her, and she doesn’t want to cross certain boundaries. She also isn’t comfortable texting much either. I need one or the other. Anyway I think she is chalking it all up to “whining” on my part. I could tell she was getting a little annoyed with me at one point, but she also worked like a twelve hour day. She is letting that stress fall on me because I’m being honest with what is and is not working.

This long weekend will be interesting. I’m going to just ignore her. I have a distinct feeling she will not message me the entire weekend. That will be it then. Affair over. Frankly it’s already over I’m just trying to let it down gently. There really isn’t a need to be a dick about it, and until I no longer have to work with her I need civility.

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4 thoughts on “Holding Steady

    1. He can’t. He knows what needs done but he doesn’t know how.

      I knew for a long time I needed to break it with K. I went through years of mental gymnastics trying to find a solution that would avoid my own humiliation and causing others hurt and harm. Every effort made it worse.

      I would tell K it was over, feel bad about her hurt, try to make it better using sex and charm, and end up repeating the cycle over and over and over for three years.

      I loathed myself every moment. I didn’t want to lose relationships that matter to me, hurt people that trusted me, or know how to ask for help.

      Sydney has always been a nonstarter. He wants from her what he would never give to her. It’s a fantasy…despite her hot/cold game she isn’t into him as much as he thinks she is.

      Based on his writings, Claire still has potential but he still avoids anything approaching vulnerability, truthfullness, or openness. He again knows what he wants but doesn’t seem willing to sacrifice anything to get there…

      Like

  1. It is fascinating how the betrayed and the non-cheaters view you PM, and Claire and Sydney, and how different my view of you – as a fellow cheater in love – sees your behavior.

    They are so intent on what you are doing to others they completely overlook what you are doing to yourself.

    Many comments are based on you stopping/changing to make Claire (and Sydney) feel better and they overlook two realities:

    1. It assumes you are responsible for what Claire and Sydney think and feel and makes you responsible for the well-being of others. In reality you seem unable to care for yourself let alone others. That isn’t any healthier than cheating and is just another form of betrayal.

    2. You cannot help others find what they need and want when you are working so hard to hide and avoid what you need and want.

    “To see takes time,” wrote Georgia O’Keeffe. You have time. Keep working to see yourself, act on what you learn, accept who you are now, choose where you want to go. Don’t avoid the pain.

    Ignore the critics. They’ve never walked in your shoes. Many of them will only see this as a black versus white issue, or wrong versus right. They will never see you.

    Keep going to counseling. Keep writing for yourself not the audience.

    You aren’t responsibile for Claire or Sydney. You cannot see how to help them if you cannot see how to help yourself.

    Keep trying.

    Liked by 1 person

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