Trying This Again

July 20th I set a reminder for myself. I was going to back off Sydney and stop looking for anything long term or physical. Let things develop for one month. But I think I miscalculated. That was too long.

Sydney is wonderful, but this relationship is bad for me. It makes me feel bad quite often when we hit our artificial boundaries. It makes me feel bad when she jumps to defensiveness when I tell her how I feel. It makes me feel bad every time we end our conversations in person, and then she gets on the bus and barely finds time to message me. It makes me feel bad to feel this strongly and know it has no future.

What could possibly be for us? Nothing. She is staying with her boyfriend for a lot of really good reasons. So that leaves nothing. There isn’t a second boyfriend position on her list, and it wouldn’t work out anyway. She could give me what I need with a primary relationship but not a secondary.

What about our friendship? We have a good one but there is too much sexual chemistry. It won’t last. We will become lovers or hate each other. I don’t think there is an in between. We are too close.

This is the week I need to pull the plug. No more explicit engaging with her. No more flirting. No more extra long walks. I need all or nothing.

Yesterday I sent her some texts indicating I was unhappy with things. She asked what she could do and I replied “More.” More conversion, more empathy, more intimacy, more everything. I didn’t think she could give it. She asked that we talk about it in person today. I thought maybe that would help her to see, but nothing changed. She said “these are my limits. I’m fine where things are and I wish you could be too.” I’m not fine though. I just told you I need more.

The conversion did not end well. We barely talked the rest of the day. It’s clear she had hit her limit, and it’s not enough for me. Time to close that door. If I’m going to put my whole world at risk I need more of her at stake too. I need more of her invested in us.

Where does that leave Claire? Claire is always on my mind. Regardless of how it sounds. I know that it seems that I don’t think of her but I do, constantly! As I think of moving away from Sydney I do not feel myself drawn to Claire like last time. The last few weeks with Claire have really made me unhappy. we have some major issues still. I understand that a lot of the issues are with me, but they are there none the less. I don’t want to feel connected to someone who isn’t my wife. I don’t like being married to someone who doesn’t get me. Someone for whom I remain a mystery. Both of those are wrong.

More on Claire later…


3 thoughts on “Trying This Again

  1. Of course you’re not drawn to your wife! You’ve cheated on her multiple times with unavailable women who you crave because of their unavailability. Your wife is available, being that she *is* your wife. That must be so frustration for you, Clair’s availability and all. I can’t believe she doesn’t *get* you enough to know that after working hard all day and taking care of two small children that she needs to play hard to get to keep you interested. She needs to submit to your every need regardless of her exhaustion. How dare she make you not receive your “dick sucking at the urinals” need from Sydney because she exists. What an awful wife. I can see how she doesn’t deserve your love or attention, especially after telling your stories at the wedding. What a bitch.
    GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!! WHO THE HELL CAN GET TO KNOW YOU WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW YOURSELF?!?! WHY ARE YOU ABUSING YOUR WIFE BY BEING A SERIAL CHEATER WHILE PRETENDING TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE THE GOTTMAN WAY. Have you always been so…..narcissistic? Do you know how abnormal it is to be so careless with hurting your wife and children? Do you know that it isn’t normal to be the way you are? I suggest you have a full psychological exam and face some real, hard truths about yourself. Or just continue to live a life of nothingness. If you’re lucky something like Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), Schema-focused therapy, or something similar can help you….if your someone who wants help. You strike me as a person who would tell a psychiatrist that he/she is incorrect about wherever they are saying and always have a ton of reasons why your behavior was indeed *right* and that the doctor doesn’t understand you either in attempts to make the doctor questions her own skills…briefly. It’s all about the win to you, isn’t it? Right fighters are the most unhappy people in the universe.

    Good luck with your dick sucking at the waste water plant. I’m sure if she gets you off all the pain you’ll inflict on Clair and your children will be worth it. Especially if she swallows, right. Isn’t this what your dreams are made of?

    My advice, change jobs and be evaluated. Tell Clair everything and stop pretending to be working on your marriage. She feels that you’re not and she is hurting, no doubt. Stop abusing her!

    Liked by 1 person

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