July 20th I set a reminder for myself. I was going to back off Sydney and stop looking for anything long term or physical. Let things develop for one month. But I think I miscalculated. That was too long.
Sydney is wonderful, but this relationship is bad for me. It makes me feel bad quite often when we hit our artificial boundaries. It makes me feel bad when she jumps to defensiveness when I tell her how I feel. It makes me feel bad every time we end our conversations in person, and then she gets on the bus and barely finds time to message me. It makes me feel bad to feel this strongly and know it has no future.
What could possibly be for us? Nothing. She is staying with her boyfriend for a lot of really good reasons. So that leaves nothing. There isn’t a second boyfriend position on her list, and it wouldn’t work out anyway. She could give me what I need with a primary relationship but not a secondary.
What about our friendship? We have a good one but there is too much sexual chemistry. It won’t last. We will become lovers or hate each other. I don’t think there is an in between. We are too close.
This is the week I need to pull the plug. No more explicit engaging with her. No more flirting. No more extra long walks. I need all or nothing.
Yesterday I sent her some texts indicating I was unhappy with things. She asked what she could do and I replied “More.” More conversion, more empathy, more intimacy, more everything. I didn’t think she could give it. She asked that we talk about it in person today. I thought maybe that would help her to see, but nothing changed. She said “these are my limits. I’m fine where things are and I wish you could be too.” I’m not fine though. I just told you I need more.
The conversion did not end well. We barely talked the rest of the day. It’s clear she had hit her limit, and it’s not enough for me. Time to close that door. If I’m going to put my whole world at risk I need more of her at stake too. I need more of her invested in us.
Where does that leave Claire? Claire is always on my mind. Regardless of how it sounds. I know that it seems that I don’t think of her but I do, constantly! As I think of moving away from Sydney I do not feel myself drawn to Claire like last time. The last few weeks with Claire have really made me unhappy. we have some major issues still. I understand that a lot of the issues are with me, but they are there none the less. I don’t want to feel connected to someone who isn’t my wife. I don’t like being married to someone who doesn’t get me. Someone for whom I remain a mystery. Both of those are wrong.
More on Claire later…