Reflecting on a Book

I’ve been reading a book that is quite enlightening about my situation. It’s a novel about a soccer mom who runs a carpool for neighborhood kids. She inadvertently walks in on her neighbor having sex with a much younger man.

The lady having the affair stops the affair, but a series of unfortunate events cause it to be found out anyway. The reaction from her husband is swift and severe. He kicks her out, and is over the top mean to her. There is also a section from the children’s perspective that just wrenches at my heart.

Thinking of my children just kills me. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to feel abandoned. I don’t want them to have to grow into adults too soon because of their parent’s mistakes.

Sydney and I went out for drinks at the end of work. She is great. She is fun. We will never have a future though. We will never even have an intimate physical relationship. It’s beginning to be obvious. I know she wants to, but she feels so down when we must part. Which we must do each time because we are not together.

The rest of this week we will barely see each other due to some odd schedules. This is as good a time as any to clamp down on the relationship. I know I said I would do this before, and I did in a way. I took my heart and future out if it. Now I think I need to take all the flirting and fun out. Back to work. No more games.

Other parts of the books remind me of my wife and me. Not in good ways. Honestly I’m feeling very detached from her right now. We went to her high school reunion and her friend’s wedding recently. Both were very illuminating to me on how she makes me feel. I don’t like it. I wish the solution to this did not mean breaking up my family.

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11 thoughts on “Reflecting on a Book

  1. “The reaction from her husband is swift and severe. He kicks her out, and is over the top mean to her.”

    I don’t know the book but I do know this sentence is silly. What did the wife in the story think would happen?!

    Ugh.

    Sometimes PM I wonder if you are aware or even trying to understand Claire’s experience in all of this. You want her to be vulnerable to you but you offer her zero vulnerability in return. It took you years to be fully vulnerable and tell her the mostly true aspects of Merideth. You are still lying and keeping secrets over Sydney.

    Your wife may or may not be fulling disclosing to you what she needs and wants but you’ve given her no reason to trust you as a husband, lover, or Dom. You continue to withhold from her even when you expect her to be something else at this moment.

    Almost, but not quite, banging Sydney doesn’t make it an almost affair. It is still an affair, a secret and dishonest. I’ve said my affair was over for nearly 13 months when K called C and revealed my betrayal. The truth is, I was still leading K on in the hopes it would delay the inevitable and give me a chance to fortify the ground. It was an affair to everyone but me.

    If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck it’s a duck…even of it thinks it’s a hawk. Intentions don’t matter. All that matters is what you are doing and you are lying, secret-keeping, and hiding.

    This will not go the way you think it will.

    Keep trying. Face the risk, uncertainty, and emotions.

    As I’ve said before:

    – tell Claire about Sydney: that you want to Dom and fuck her but haven’t
    – ask Claire what she would have you do

    You want an open relationship but you won’t give Claire the chance to participate or choose her life.

    That IMO is the most damaging part of your behavior that will last the longest shadow over your life.

    Keep trying.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. If you cared so much about hurting your children you stop your stupid, fucking behavior. You are walking around with a half hardy all day with your tongue hanging out of your mouth. Gross. How can you go from a title of “Fellatio” to “Reflecting on a Book”. You need to have your hormone levels checked and a good psych eval. I can’t decide what kind of person you want to be, pervert scholar? Dad gone bad? Self centeredest? You’re losing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I realized something about you PM, and I think I have you figured out.

    You complain that no one gets you and that you feel misunderstood. You point fingers at your wife without realizing that you have 3 fingers pointing back at you.

    WE ALL GET YOU – you:

    are a liar
    are a cheater
    are most likely an addict of some sort (love/sex/both)
    either have a high self esteem, or a low self esteem
    use women to make you feel better about yourself

    You feel that the world doesn’t understand you, but we do – we really do. YOU don’t understand YOURSELF or your own thoughts, and that is the problem.

    Figure your shit out, your demons, your pain – then, and perhaps and ONLY then, will you see what we see and understand what we understand about you and your situation.

    YOU are the problem and NO other woman understands you- yes that includes Meredith and Sydney – and even they don’t want to be with you.

    This is all about your weaknesses and thoughts about yourself that you don’t want to look at. Until you really and authentically dive in and dig deeper, you’re going to be a douchebag who uses women as a cover up.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I think Claire probably would react differently if she found out what was happening now. After confessing to one affair and being there to help her through it whilst having another one and hiding it. I think Claire is better off without you for her sake. As for the children, I think the longer you keep the secret, the less respect they will have for you when they are older when/if they find out. Whichever way, you will always be worried about their feelings if they do find out, so the damage is done already.

    Like

  5. As I’ve said before: trust me, you’re no catch.
    You cheat on your wife.
    You lie/withhold information from her.
    You go to therapy but you’re not working on the real issue.
    Wake up to yourself, man.
    You’re going to wake up at 50 and ask where your life went.
    You won’t be happy with anybody.
    Deal with your own issues first.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I haven’t followed your posts lately. You mentioned the HS reunion and wedding – can you expand on how your wife makes you feel? What could she do or say different than would make you feel more positive about being around her?

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  7. Guys, this is a bad novel. He has to kick it up a notch every now and then to keep you hooked. People make money off popularity blogs. I guess the next thing will be Claire either having her own affair or going after him with a meat cleaver.
    Enjoy it for what it is.

    Like

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