I went to see the counselor just myself. It was a good session, but I want to share with you one poignant moment. We spent several minutes going over what it is about Meredith and Sydney that made me feel connected to them and understood by them. Things which were not happening with Claire. Round and round we went.
After about ten minutes the counselor stopped and asked me “How is it going with us right now? Do you feel that I am understanding you?” I paused, looked her in the eye and said “No, I don’t.” Which was exactly how I felt.
It was a very interesting moment. She sort of sat back and her eyes widened. She thought that was very interesting, and she was glad I shared that with her. She asked some follow up questions about Claire and other people in general. I explained that I feel this way with almost everyone. They don’t understand the way I think, and rarely see the real me. With Claire specifically, the interaction would have been much the same except she would have stopped digging much sooner.
One thing I wanted the counselor to know was that I didn’t take any of this personally. I understand that she is smart, and knows a lot about human interaction that I don’t. I am willing to keep trying, but generally this is how conversations go for me. Excepting five distinct people in my life: my dad; my best friend in high school and one in college; Meredith; and Sydney. We talked about that too, and how this conversion likey would have gone with them (much different!).
Later we were discussing something about Claire that was a little less abstract, and the counselor stopped me again to ask if I felt she understood me. I said yes this time. It was much better around this topic. She agreed that she felt that way, too. I think she is really trying to understand how my mind’s works. It’s fascinating, but I can tell she does not peice things together the same way I do.
She also asked me about my childhood, and whether I felt understood. The answer is rarely. My own mother to this day does not get me. We’ve always been that way. Terribly frustrating as a child, and the main reason we keep our distance now. I love my mom, but more than three days together and we are both frustrated with the other. My dad on the other hand I could be around on a near continual basis, and neither of us would mind much. We operate at a very different level.
Overall I rarely feel noticed, understood or known by most people, including Claire. It’s just part of going through life. On those rare occasions when I do feel that connection with someone it is very hard to let go. Now the hard part will be figuring out if this is something that can be learned or if it’s an innate part of someone’s personality.