The Counselor

I went to see the counselor just myself. It was a good session, but I want to share with you one poignant moment. We spent several minutes going over what it is about Meredith and Sydney that made me feel connected to them and understood by them. Things which were not happening with Claire. Round and round we went.

After about ten minutes the counselor stopped and asked me “How is it going with us right now? Do you feel that I am understanding you?” I paused, looked her in the eye and said “No, I don’t.” Which was exactly how I felt.

It was a very interesting moment. She sort of sat back and her eyes widened. She thought that was very interesting, and she was glad I shared that with her. She asked some follow up questions about Claire and other people in general. I explained that I feel this way with almost everyone. They don’t understand the way I think, and rarely see the real me. With Claire specifically, the interaction would have been much the same except she would have stopped digging much sooner.

One thing I wanted the counselor to know was that I didn’t take any of this personally. I understand that she is smart, and knows a lot about human interaction that I don’t. I am willing to keep trying, but generally this is how conversations go for me. Excepting five distinct people in my life: my dad; my best friend in high school and one in college; Meredith; and Sydney. We talked about that too, and how this conversion likey would have gone with them (much different!).

Later we were discussing something about Claire that was a little less abstract, and the counselor stopped me again to ask if I felt she understood me. I said yes this time. It was much better around this topic. She agreed that she felt that way, too. I think she is really trying to understand how my mind’s works. It’s fascinating, but I can tell she does not peice things together the same way I do.

She also asked me about my childhood, and whether I felt understood. The answer is rarely. My own mother to this day does not get me. We’ve always been that way. Terribly frustrating as a child, and the main reason we keep our distance now. I love my mom, but more than three days together and we are both frustrated with the other. My dad on the other hand I could be around on a near continual basis, and neither of us would mind much. We operate at a very different level.

Overall I rarely feel noticed, understood or known by most people, including Claire. It’s just part of going through life. On those rare occasions when I do feel that connection with someone it is very hard to let go. Now the hard part will be figuring out if this is something that can be learned or if it’s an innate part of someone’s personality.

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4 thoughts on “The Counselor

  1. What does being understood mean to you? How do you define that?

    Based on your definition, do you feel like you truly understand the people who don’t understand you? If so, how do you know you fully understand them? If so, why do you think you are able to see into them when they’re not able to see into you?

    Why do you think you are so frequent misunderstood? What do you think are contributing factors to that experience?

    Your counselor is leading you down this path for a reason. You need to really dig here. There are understandings and realizations to be had here that you might greatly benefit from reaching, and you are getting closer everyday. Keep digging.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Well this definitely sounds like me. I’ve never met anyone that really gets me, or at least I’ve never really found someone that I trust enough to really get me. That said I think you really need to be in tune and have someone just ‘understand you’. And you would know by the way they behave that they would have that insight into you. I don’t know, this is a difficult one. Maybe it’s just our perception. Maybe you can go through your whole life never finding that person who’s really in tune with you. But maybe that’s just how we see it. In which case is this a no win and a state of mind for life?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. As a teenager my parents made me see a therapist after a tragedy and on a report I found years later, it said, “She does not feel understood by anyone.” I kind of get what you are saying but here is what I’ve found out over the years, most people don’t understand each other. We try and attempt our best to “get” the people we care about however there are just things that will forever be unique to ourselves. It is a good thing. If everyone thought the same, it would be a boring world. With saying that I do understand how frustrating it can be not to be understood, or heard, on important issues. I deal with this daily. I’ve come to the conclusion I feel more than most. My heart is big and I feel a lot. I care a lot. Sadly, most (or a large portion of people in my world) period do not. Or not nearly as passionately as I do.

    I know you me issue is closeness in intimacy and that has lead you to BTSM. I get why you’re drawn to this, it’s because you have to surrender to another person completely to experience this. Totally raw and vulnerable without the protections most use as shields that prevent us from given someone everything we are and can be. It prevents us from putting it all out there. I get it. I protect myself. I wish, hope, I find someone one day I can trust to let in completely.

    The way you feel unheard and not understood makes you shut down because of frustration and then that makes sex less personal, less fun. It becomes work. The work becomes too hard and the connection you crave seems so far out of reach that you shut down. You then reached out to others to fill the void of loneliness whether you realized it or not. You opened yourself up to that. You allowed the possibility, then the affairs, and then more confusion than you started out with. Dizzy. The problem is that you put a lot out there to these two women who then used what you told them to be what you craved. It fulfilled their need to be wanted, seen and so they gave you more of what you wanted to get what they wanted but none of you were available. It wasn’t real. I understand what happened was very much real to you and most likely them too but…it was reality. It was fantasy.

    Keep digging and try to stand by your wife and stop cheating until you give yourself, her, and the two of you together to figure this out. Your dad and you communicate the same because you’re like him. You inherited more from him. That doesn’t mean your mother loves you less. It just means you are just more natured like your father. Claire has been trying. Just because she doesn’t hear you doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. She loves you. I promise you more people quit before trying to work it out. Count yourself lucky that she cares enough to try. Stop risking hurting her more. Just because she doesn’t understand you doesn’t mean she deserves to be hurt over and over again. Do you think you understand her? This is an opportunity to have something most of us only dream about.

    Liked by 1 person

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