If you are angered by reading about Sydney you may not want to read this.
Sydney left this morning to go on a week long vacation with her boyfriend and his family. It was something planned a long time ago. She nearly decided not to go, but I’m glad she is going. It will be good for her. Good for us.
While she is gone we are going to stop all communication. That made her sad, but I told her she needs to really consider her own situation as well. Take the time to do that with him.
My situation requires most of my attention right now. I have already changed some of the dynamic with Sydney, but I feel that I need even more change. Patience as well. No matter how my life moves forward we are a long way from ever being a complete couple. We can take a break, and if things come back together later then it will be worth the wait. If they don’t, life goes on.
We have somewhat fallen into a routine. Each morning I meet her for coffee and we take a long walk together. Sometimes we end up in this semi-private building in the city where we have some privacy in the stairwell. It’s not glamorous, but it’s a place we can remain discreet. We will kiss and hold each other during those times. For awhile we were a little hot and heavy – and also handsy. We have scaled back quite a bit the last two weeks. Just hugging now.
Lunches we try to have together when possible. We usually have a margarita with lunch. We walk to the bus together after work. Mostly we talk. We love talking about things together. We cycle through many topics. The conversations are wide open and very freeing. There is some texting of an evening or weekend, but she’s not one to be on her phone much. In case you are wondering we have not had sex. It’s not on the agenda.
This past week Sydney started to change. It was interesting to watch. She went from intense, uncontrollable lust for me to a more calm introspective phase. Her initial emotions started to wear off, and she is now able to think practically about our situation. She started questioning things such as our political differences and whether I could support her on her non-negotiable items. Her position changed from pure desire to a practical evaluation of the chance of a long-term relationship. It was fun to watch. I smiled inwardly as I realized what she was doing. Nothing bad, mind you, just a refocus on long-term viability.
The political discussion led to a big misunderstanding where neither of us communicated well via text (doesn’t politics always do this?). We both felt hurt and told the other. We talked about it in person and cleared up most everything. There was still some remaining uncertainty for the next day or so, but we both ended up apologizing and making amends. We also learned from the experience and set new ground rules to text discussions.
Sydney really likes touch. It’s one of her love languages. We are not often able to experience touch, but we find places where we can hold hands periodically. It’s nice. She’s so sweet and sensitive underneath. Even though her outer shell can be quite intimidating. Most people see her as demanding, very smart and no nonsense. An unemotional work-aholic. I know they think this because I work with them, and I hear them discuss Sydney. Yet, she lets me see inside her shell. It’s a beautiful place, and frankly I don’t care what others think.
When we first started talking and I could see where this was headed I asked her if she had ever been in an affair or dated a married man. She emphatically responded NO! As if questioning that was a moral assault. Yesterday I asked her how it is going dating a married man, and she said it’s awkward and strange having to keep everything a secret. She really wants the secret to be over, but she is so into me she can’t stop what we have. I guess she has accepted where we are.
She has also started to notice things about her boyfriend that she realizes are not working. Nothing new really, but you get comfortable with the status quo. Such as her concern that he seems very bisexual or even gay, but won’t admit it or talk about it. She thinks he should explore it, but he won’t even discuss it. He likes many of the same things as her, but he is also very feminine in his demeanor. At first she found that to be nice and safe, but she now sees that she really needs to be with someone more masculine. He has confessed his selfishness to her which she struggles with. In the end she has never really dated anyone like me, and she is starting to see why her other relationships all failed. They were all what she logically thought she should want, but not what she is actually attracted to. She doesn’t think she would’ve ever intentionally sought me out in the past. I didn’t check the boxes on her dating profile. (Read The Rosie Project).
I’ll just wrap things up here by acknowledging that I know all of this is wrong. I do. This relationship should not be happening. I am doing work to slow it down while I get my affairs in order. It’s a huge wake up call to me. I need to change my life. This break is going to be good. It will give us separation and a chance to reset. Sydney knows where I stand. I know where she stands. Now we must wait for a future where we might be together. I’m going to double down on dealing with my wife, but I just wanted to share how things are going with Sydney.