The Kids

If there were anything in the world that would make me change my mind it would be the kids. I love my kids. I love being a father to them.

The primary relationship of a nuclear family should be the parents. I firmly believe that needs to be true for a healthy family. The kids are a result of the primary relationship.

When you are thinking about separating from your spouse you need to consider what that will mean for your children. For your own relationship with your children.

Right now I take for granted that my kids are right here with me. Everyday I see them. Everyday I hold them and read to them. Everyday I kiss them goodnight. Everyday I deal with their behavior corrections. I have been away from them for short periods of time while travelling for work but generally they are an everyday part of my life. It is wonderful.

Should I split up with my wife the best case scenario is that I miss 50% of that time. That is absolutely heart breaking to think about. I wish there were an easier way to handle separations but right now 50% is about as good as it gets.

It’s more than that though. The kids also have to split their time back and forth between houses. That creates an instability for them. I had to live through that growing up. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and got easier as we got older, but it was tough.

Then you add in the step families. That is another huge element. Honestly this one affected my personal growth more than separate houses. The families that we were thrust into were not ideal. In the end I did learn a lot about human nature. The good and the bad. I will not be able to control who is a core part of my children’s lives going forward though. My wife will find someone and that will be that.

Empathy. If you can live through it and survive then the empathy and perspectives gained from the added people in your families can be very valuable. I know this is just me looking for a silver lining, but it isn’t all bad. I mean what would my life have been like had my parents not separated? Better? Worse?

When we decided to have kids I surely did not want them to be the kids of divorced parents. I was certain that they wouldn’t be. Now it seems the most likely probability and that breaks my heart. But the alternative is to continue in a marriage I really don’t want to be in for more than a dozen years. I honestly just don’t see how I could do it. Things are not changing in our relationship. There isn’t an amount of work to get there. The only solution is for me to give up on myself; to fall back into who I was. Honestly I would rather be alone.

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9 thoughts on “The Kids

  1. This is the part that makes me the angriest at people who leave their marriages because they want to explore a part of themselves they can’t inside their marriages. You had time to explore these things before you were married and most importantly before you had children! Why is it once the children are born, years into the marriage, you just can’t live like this anymore? That just royally pisses me off. Now that there are people that WILL be hurt by this decision, NOW is the time in your life that you just can’t live like this anymore. Screw everyone else, I’m not happy. Not because you’re being abused or mistreated but because your wife doesn’t hear the importance of the kink lifestyle you cannot live without. Period. End of story. “Kids I’m sorry, I cannot love your mother anymore because she isn’t interested in being collared, whipped, and submitting to me.” “Don’t worry everything will be fine.” “You’re mom may hate me and never want to see my face again and only communicate with me through a court suggested family communication system.” “I can’t come to all of your events because it’s on mommy’s time, and no I will not be with you this Christmas because mommy and I aren’t together.” “Next year you’ll get me but not mommy.” “Doesn’t that sound fine.” “Daddy will be happy.” “Don’t you want daddy to be happy?” “Oh, you’re not happy?” “You will be, you’re a kid and you’re resilient.”

    Not to mentioned the thousands and thousands of dollars you will spend in court. Everyone in your wife’s family and all of her friends will hate you and in that mix, you’ll kids will hear things. Not from your wife but through the people comforting her. They will talk about how sick you are and that the children shouldn’t have to be exposed to your x-rated lifestyle. You did say they were very pure people and if thats true I cannot imagine them not thinking this way about the situation. This will reach out so much further than your wife and children, however they will be the most affected. This will change the outcomes of their lives.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree with you. The kids lives will never be the same.
      But PM is not happy, and believes the grass is greener elsewhere for him. If he stays? He will cheat.
      I find myself wanting more for his wife. PM, don’t you want better for her?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand this too. I believe that once you cheat and step outside of your marriage it is hard to ever return to who you once were. Maybe the unhappiness caused him to look elsewhere but I believe that if he hadn’t he would be able to repair what he feels is broken. The things that he experienced in his affair changed everything.
        There isn’t a happy ending here. He either stays and is a miserable person to live with, and is never the person he was before, or he goes and lives with the guilt of changing everything for his wife and children. When he really loses his wife, which doesn’t seem important now but really when she’s gone, I think he’ll miss her tremendously. What the kids are loosing is the part that breaks my heart. I watched my kids go through this and and still today they feel less than because they come from a broken home. Even if there are kids like them it doesn’t make them feel better, they just all wish their parents lived together with them. I think they always will. Because their dad was the one who left, they don’t trust his love. It’s extremely sad. I’ve just realized I have to be the one they never have to doubt loves them. They will always be first to me.

        His wife, like myself, isn’t getting a choice in the matter and the thought of losing your children part of the time is terrifying. She didn’t do anything wrong yet she’s going to loose so much. The children but they will have a completely different life than the one they should’ve had. I don’t understand after getting married and having children someone all of a sudden decides they can’t live a lie anymore. For goodness sake just don’t get married and please don’t have children if that’s not what you want. Don’t do it to try and fix what’s broken inside you.

        Yes his wife deserves so much more than this. I was just saying there is nothing that makes me angrier when kids are an afterthought in their parents choices.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, I complete agree with you. 100%!! I just feel like if he stays? He will continue to cheat on his wife.
        She is in the dark, and has no idea. Her choices have been taken from her. Not OK.
        Her life, their children’s lives will never be the same. The pain is indescribable.

        Like

      3. Yes, it is indescribably painful. I think I would have rather been beaten black and blue or sliced with s knife, at least then I could see why it hurt so badly and see it healing. This pain turns you inside out, makes you feel empty and inverted, and the brain fog! I’ll never trust anyone ever again. It’s too risky.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Is this all/mostly about the sexual style differences with your wife? If she was into what you are into sexually, would you still be considering this?

    Sex is extremely important – it’s how we stay connected, but I question what sex does for you? Is it connection or just the fulfillment of a fantasy? Once a fantasy is satisfied the next fantasy will need to be ramped up until your fantasies eventually progress into something that is not achievable – by anyone. It will be fun for a while, but eventually nothing or no one will be able to satisfy you and you will feel as you do now.

    I believe you deserve all of the happiness this world has to offer you and if this is the end all be all for you, then so be it. Yes the kids will eventually adjust to constant back and forth and wondering if daddy will come to this or that if mommy’s 5th boyfriend will be there too (not to scare or deter you, but that is reality). I wish I could tell you all that is about to happen, things you have never considered or thought of. What if your kids are so damaged when you tell them you’re leaving, or what if they find out about the other women – that they never want to see you again? There are plenty of blogs out there where this has happened. I hope you are not just looking at the best case scenario where kids eventually adjust – I think you need to be thinking about the worse case scenario.

    Good luck PM.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I read a blog by a man. He fell madly in love with a coworker. She eventually dumped him. He and his wife reconciled. A few years later she had enough and they divorced. He was snarky all the way through the blog. How dare his lover dump him. How dare his wife hold his feet to the fire. He is still single.
    That is a cautionary tale because the “other” always looks so much better. Sometimes they are, but often they are not.
    You will go your own way. All I hope is that you are kind to your wife. I know she is just a human with her own set of foibles but she did not cheat.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Divorces affects the children as much or more than their parents, no matter what age the children are or how toxic the relationship their parents had. You don’t need me to tell you that. Everyone will tell you that.

    That is why what you are contemplating needs to be considered very seriously. You need to decide if you are contemplating separation or divorce for selfish reasons only, consider the long term implications and affect on YOUR life. This will change the way your children look at you now and when they are adults. If you are being selfish, your kids will see it that way. Will they forgive you? Yes. I believe that they will, but they will not forget.

    You will also not be there for many of the decisions that you would help them with if you were present. That’s important FOR YOU. I can say that from very recent experience and I hate it. Has the separation been good for me? Yes. But it’s not when that comes up. It has been good in many ways, but there are times when it is not.

    Liked by 2 people

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