If there were anything in the world that would make me change my mind it would be the kids. I love my kids. I love being a father to them.
The primary relationship of a nuclear family should be the parents. I firmly believe that needs to be true for a healthy family. The kids are a result of the primary relationship.
When you are thinking about separating from your spouse you need to consider what that will mean for your children. For your own relationship with your children.
Right now I take for granted that my kids are right here with me. Everyday I see them. Everyday I hold them and read to them. Everyday I kiss them goodnight. Everyday I deal with their behavior corrections. I have been away from them for short periods of time while travelling for work but generally they are an everyday part of my life. It is wonderful.
Should I split up with my wife the best case scenario is that I miss 50% of that time. That is absolutely heart breaking to think about. I wish there were an easier way to handle separations but right now 50% is about as good as it gets.
It’s more than that though. The kids also have to split their time back and forth between houses. That creates an instability for them. I had to live through that growing up. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and got easier as we got older, but it was tough.
Then you add in the step families. That is another huge element. Honestly this one affected my personal growth more than separate houses. The families that we were thrust into were not ideal. In the end I did learn a lot about human nature. The good and the bad. I will not be able to control who is a core part of my children’s lives going forward though. My wife will find someone and that will be that.
Empathy. If you can live through it and survive then the empathy and perspectives gained from the added people in your families can be very valuable. I know this is just me looking for a silver lining, but it isn’t all bad. I mean what would my life have been like had my parents not separated? Better? Worse?
When we decided to have kids I surely did not want them to be the kids of divorced parents. I was certain that they wouldn’t be. Now it seems the most likely probability and that breaks my heart. But the alternative is to continue in a marriage I really don’t want to be in for more than a dozen years. I honestly just don’t see how I could do it. Things are not changing in our relationship. There isn’t an amount of work to get there. The only solution is for me to give up on myself; to fall back into who I was. Honestly I would rather be alone.