Feelings. Intense feelings. Shared. Mutual. Today was a day that was unique for us. Two shy introverts opened up at a very core level. Something we never do. We talked for quite awhile today, and then text through the afternoon. As usual we covered a range of topics, but today was different. It was more open, less held back.
We did talk about sex today, and I’m actually glad we did. She does not share the same kinks as me. I’m actually relieved to hear that. I think. If she had it would’ve been difficult to ignore, but now I don’t have to think about it. Of course, uncovering that fact made Sydney quite sad which was hard to watch. I think she was feeling that we would eventually be together, and have amazing sex someday. Now she knows that it would not be fulfilling to me which makes the future less likely.
It’s actually kind of interesting in that she’s had a whole host of sexual partners over the years while I’ve only had two. Yet I seem to have had the most sexual adventures. To be honest that fact is catching Sydney off-guard too. She had just assumed the numbers meant her sexual expertise was greater than mine. It was clear pretty quickly that she has had quantity, but it’s all been the same flavor.
To say that she likes me is to put it very mildly. She’s enamored; mystified; enchanted by me. Her words, not mine. Her interest in me started a long time ago actually. Further back than my interest in her. Which I found to be quite shocking. Although I felt a connection early on I didn’t realize how early she saw something in me.
What do I do with all this? I’m going to let it go. There is nothing I can do. I’m not willing to start another affair. It’s really nice to know how she feels. It’s nice that we feel the same for each other, but the timing is bad. Exceedingly bad.
It’s funny because I was going to just put this whole thing on a slowdown not long ago. I was going to respond in kind, but not push things. Which is exactly what I’ve done. However she latched onto me much more quickly than I ever imagined.
Our relationship has started to make her question her own relationship with her long term boyfriend. That’s not good. She was seriously considering our future together, and he was not in the picture. I found it interesting that the world seemed so black and white to her only a few short weeks ago. Questioning how in the world I could get caught up in an affair. Now she’s in a very similar boat, just one misstep from being in a full-fledged affair herself. The black and white has changed to gray. Where she did not believe me a few weeks ago when I said how powerful these emotions are and how they can cause you to have an affair, she is now stuck questioning how this happened to her.
It’s something I’ve been talking about on this blog for a long time. For a lot of us we do not choose to be in an affair, but the emotions are so intense it is almost impossible to stop even when both parties don’t want to cross the line. I can’t imagine if one party were single. Sydney reprimanded me pretty harshly and questioned whether she could ever trust me. Now she’s questioning what is happening with her. It has dawned on her just how powerful it can be.
Today she text me this set of messages: “I’m wading through a morass of emotion, and trying to analyze my behavior concurrently. My motivations, etc.” Clearly she is wrestling with this new reality. I think anyone reading this should take pause as well. Sometimes things seem very clear and simple until you are in the middle of them.
I’ll leave you with some quotes from Sydney today:
- I like you so much
- You are so great
- I love being near you
- How am I this struck by you?
- I can’t stop smiling
- I’ll be thinking of you all weekend
- I’m enraptured
- I’m overtaken
- You/this is extraordinary
- I want you quite badly
- I feel like I’m intoxicated on some sort of drug