Sydney, Just Sydney

Feelings. Intense feelings. Shared. Mutual. Today was a day that was unique for us. Two shy introverts opened up at a very core level. Something we never do. We talked for quite awhile today, and then text through the afternoon. As usual we covered a range of topics, but today was different. It was more open, less held back.

We did talk about sex today, and I’m actually glad we did. She does not share the same kinks as me. I’m actually relieved to hear that. I think. If she had it would’ve been difficult to ignore, but now I don’t have to think about it. Of course, uncovering that fact made Sydney quite sad which was hard to watch. I think she was feeling that we would eventually be together, and have amazing sex someday. Now she knows that it would not be fulfilling to me which makes the future less likely.

It’s actually kind of interesting in that she’s had a whole host of sexual partners over the years while I’ve only had two. Yet I seem to have had the most sexual adventures. To be honest that fact is catching Sydney off-guard too. She had just assumed the numbers meant her sexual expertise was greater than mine. It was clear pretty quickly that she has had quantity, but it’s all been the same flavor.

To say that she likes me is to put it very mildly. She’s enamored; mystified; enchanted by me. Her words, not mine. Her interest in me started a long time ago actually. Further back than my interest in her. Which I found to be quite shocking. Although I felt a connection early on I didn’t realize how early she saw something in me.

What do I do with all this? I’m going to let it go. There is nothing I can do. I’m not willing to start another affair. It’s really nice to know how she feels. It’s nice that we feel the same for each other, but the timing is bad. Exceedingly bad.

It’s funny because I was going to just put this whole thing on a slowdown not long ago. I was going to respond in kind, but not push things. Which is exactly what I’ve done. However she latched onto me much more quickly than I ever imagined.

Our relationship has started to make her question her own relationship with her long term boyfriend. That’s not good. She was seriously considering our future together, and he was not in the picture. I found it interesting that the world seemed so black and white to her only a few short weeks ago. Questioning how in the world I could get caught up in an affair. Now she’s in a very similar boat, just one misstep from being in a full-fledged affair herself. The black and white has changed to gray. Where she did not believe me a few weeks ago when I said how powerful these emotions are and how they can cause you to have an affair, she is now stuck questioning how this happened to her.

It’s something I’ve been talking about on this blog for a long time. For a lot of us we do not choose to be in an affair, but the emotions are so intense it is almost impossible to stop even when both parties don’t want to cross the line. I can’t imagine if one party were single. Sydney reprimanded me pretty harshly and questioned whether she could ever trust me. Now she’s questioning what is happening with her. It has dawned on her just how powerful it can be.

Today she text me this set of messages: “I’m wading through a morass of emotion, and trying to analyze my behavior concurrently. My motivations, etc.” Clearly she is wrestling with this new reality. I think anyone reading this should take pause as well. Sometimes things seem very clear and simple until you are in the middle of them.

I’ll leave you with some quotes from Sydney today:

  • I like you so much
  • You are so great
  • I love being near you
  • How am I this struck by you?
  • I can’t stop smiling
  • I’ll be thinking of you all weekend
  • I’m enraptured
  • I’m overtaken
  • You/this is extraordinary
  • I want you quite badly
  • I feel like I’m intoxicated on some sort of drug

7 thoughts on “Sydney, Just Sydney

  1. You may have to take you head off for a while and sit it on a shelf before your neck gets too tired 🙄. People are attracted to other people ALL THE TIME. It doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Some words aren’t meant to be spoken. You and this sex talk. You’ve got to be seriouslyfuckinkiddinme…she’s had quantity and you’ve had quality with just 2. So basically you just called her a whore and she’s telling you she wants you….sounds like self esteem issues to me. How do you qualify mind blowing sex? I have had mind blowing sex plenty of times but it’s not the only thing I’m looking for in a person. Yes, it’s important but so are a lot of other things. Mind blowing sex is knowing how to satisfy each other, not just yourself. It’s give and take and finding pleasure not only in receiving it, it’s in giving it. Anything else is just BS. You wouldn’t even crave the dom shit if you hadn’t seen some porn about it or maybe it was a self help book pahahaha. It’s not real! It’s a bullshit fantasy that is ruining your life…oh wait, it has awoken you. Maybe you’ve been welcomed the dark side, Luke Skywalker.

    Soooo, anymore thought into how not to crush your wife’s heart? Oh, you know…the one you’ve lived with for forever and reproduced with. No, no not Sydredith 🙄🙄🙄.

    Wake up and stop drinking the Kool-Aid. I’m not going to tell you what these fantasies make me think about the people wanting them. It’s the same feeling I get when I see a middle aged man with a brand new sports car….same feeling.

    You’re about to wreck your children’s lives and give a stomach punch of hurtful information to you unsuspecting wife….how about focus on that.

    You’re welcome

    Do you have a sister? You’re past due for a freaking hard thump to your head.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know you probably didn’t mean to but you cracked me up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say that any posts referencing Sydney are going to upset you. Sorry my life upsets you so. Sydredith – that’s good!

      Trust me there will be plenty of wife/children posts coming in the near future. Right now I’m trying to process these other feelings to help me understand why this is happening.

      One thing though. I never called anyone a whore. I don’t think that way about any of the women I’ve written about. Sydney is in her thirties and the fact that she’s had many more lovers than I have does not make her a whore. I don’t subscribe to the whole women can’t be sexual mentality. And maybe it didn’t come through but what I was referencing was more about different sexual styles. The fact that I’ve been more adventurous did not make her want me more. It made her nervous and a little scared actually.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, I’m certainly a laughter junkie but I do write things that make me laugh. Glad you found the humor in it too because honestly I really do feel you need a sisterly thump to your noggin!

        I was your wife once (I’m sure it’s pretty obvious). We didn’t have the same exact issues but he did cheat and our marriage didn’t end because he is currently with these women. It is PAINFUL. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt. This was the man I trusted and loved and no our life wasn’t perfect I knew we could work on the stuff that needed changing. Having children took my focus away from him. It has to be shared. My parents were dying as our children were being born. I was a difficult time. So what did he do, he found someone else to give him attention and make him feel good about himself when I was struggling to keep my head out of water. It was hard (momentarily) and he didn’t want to work. The responsibility the sadness I felt losing my parents, he couldn’t handle.

        You should focus on how this is going to happen and practice keeping your composure. I told my ex husband I hated him when he told me what was happening and he told me, he just couldn’t deal with me being sad. That it had been too long. I really hadn’t been sulking in sadness because I was too busy taking care of our 2 year old and 4 month old to focus on me.

        You need to prepare yourself to help cushion the hurt. She may beg you to stay, she may say she hates you, she may cry, scream, or be in shock but your thoughts should be Sydneyfied or anything now. Block her number to give you wife one last bit of your respect. What if she looked in your phone and saw that? Awful, just awful. To her, you belong to her because you’re married. You…your body, all of you. It may make her want to throw up envisioning someone else sharing intimate time with the body that belonged to her. It may crush her to think you put her life, the mother of your children, in danger by having sex with another woman. She’ll now think you’ve been doing this your entire marriage. I certainly think my ex was and he to this day would still say he didn’t, but I’ll never believe him. I now envision him leaving the hospital after our children were born to have sex with some other woman or even meeting another woman for dinner. I see him celebrating the birth of our children with someone else. Our entire past doesn’t exist anymore because to me, it was never what I thought it was.

        Prepare yourself! The joy you may feel leaving your marriage for freedom will always be interrupted by this. You won’t be free.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think she knew exactly what she was doing.
    She got herself all hyped up to be with you, and know she’s back pedaling to get rid of those emotions.
    I believe we do choose to be in affairs. Everything we do is a choice. An affair is a choice. You (not specific, in general) chose to go out and find what you’re missing in another person, and fulfill that missing piece with said person to avoid being in a miserable place at home. You chose to seek out others. Your wife chose to make it work best you guys could. She didn’t chose the option of finding another lover. We all make choices.

    Now that you to aren’t sexually compatible will you toss her aside and no longer have deep conversations? 🧐

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You may be right about starting to flirt but she did not anticipate how deep those feelings would go.

      You believe in choice and free will. Wonderful. I guess you’ve never been in a situation where your emotions caused you to act irrationally. It happens to some people.

      Why would I toss her aside? I was scared we would start having a physical affair, and this makes that much less likely. We can refocus on the non-sexual aspects of our relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think her not being sexually compatible made it easier to not pursue her.

        It’s still a choice when emotions are involved.

        Interesting you call it a relationship. Why not call it a friendship? Relationship implies there is more.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It is an emotional relationship that’s why. Now, what will happen if you find someone who you are sexually compatible with in the future? You will have to end your emotional relationship with Sydney or else be in two emotional relationships.

        Liked by 1 person

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