The Counselor

What we, the counselor and I, decided was to tell all. I know not everyone here agrees and that’s fine. I think it needs to be done. Should have been done awhile ago. I will tell my wife about the affair as part of why I don’t think we should be together anymore. It helps fill in the gaps of understanding. Because without the affair it may have taken me much longer to understand these things about myself and would’ve really questioned how real they were. But I believe it was destined to happen at some point. Exhibit A – Sydney.

Due to scheduling this will be dragged out a little bit. In two weeks we will meet with the counselor, and I will tell my wife how I feel. Then a week later we have another appointment of which it may just be my wife, or both of us if she wants.

This was really fucking hard. I talked through it all with the counselor. We are not romantically compatible anymore. Maybe we never were. But it’s more than that. It all comes back to communication. We cannot talk about anything she considers uncomfortable (which includes a wide range of things I find important). My affair should never have happened. But it did. All those things I learned about myself I had tried to discuss with my wife over the years, but she shot those conversations down quickly.

Communication, communication, communication. It’s so important. It’s actually one of the things that draws me to Meredith and Sydney. We can discuss anything. ANYTHING! That is the life I need. That is the life filled with intellectual adventure and wild interesting sex.

I’m not sure what else to say here. I’m planning on telling my wife that I want a divorce. I’m planning on telling her about the affair. I’m planning on telling her that nothing is imminent. We can take our time and talk through things. I feel very bad. Very very bad. I hate that it is coming to this.

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “The Counselor

  1. Just remember, that whomever you end up with, after about two years the romance is gone. There might be love there. I hope there is. No euphoria last forever. That is why people get into long-term affairs. They go home to their mundane lives and then they have that quickening of the blood when they make plans to meet their lover. It is all about the high. You cannot sustain that in a marriage. You cannot sustain that in any day today relationship. It can’t be done. After about two years she’s heard all of your deep thoughts and you have have heard hers.
    It sounds like your life is boring to you. I am wondering if you are not boring to your wife. She cannot be happy anymore than you are. When you live with someone this long you read them too easily.
    I wonder why your therapist thinks it is a good idea to tell your wife something so painful. I believe it is the most selfish act you can possibly do. If you were planning on staying with her I might see it as something to clear the air but this reeks of total self absorption and you ought to be ashamed of yourself. She knows you are unhappy. That is all you have to tell her. All you have to say is that the marriage is not working for you anymore that you love her as the mother of your children but you need to move on and so does she. That is going to be painful enough but the idea that you would then hit her with a 2 x 4 just because it clears the air. Please!

    Like

    1. I know the euphoria will not last Moi. I’m totally prepared for that. When it dies down I want to have my best friend with me still. But even in a normal relationship that is the case. People adapt to the new reality. Once you’ve heard all the deep thoughts, etc… but you know what? I keep having new ideas. I keep trying new things and trying to improve. It’s a constant project, and it is not with my wife. It drives her crazy.
      I actually am not boring. I have to tone it down around my wife because she gets overwhelmed quite easy with my ideas. I don’t know exactly how happy she is, but she loves being in this marriage, and it is working for her.
      I’m not going to get into why I need to tell my wife about the affair. I’m not going to change your mind. It is what it is, and it needs to be done. It is not self absorption. It was one of the focal points of our conversation last night.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And again, more assumptions and judgement. Some people will only see human beings that betray their loved ones as one dimensional caricatures.

        You life and humanity is far more than your betrayal PM. You got this.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Euphoria gives way to the relationship you aim to build for life. Guess what, there are people who have been together almost their entire adult lives and 50 years later they are still happy together. Just because you have one affair, it does mean there will be others. And personally, I would want to know what was going on behind my back. She has to realise that part of the problem with this relationship is her not communicating. I have been in relationships where communication was a problem and it kills it long term if you are the kind of person that needs that open dialogue. In this case, it simply didn’t work out. His response was to end up in an affair. Her response is simply to stick her head in the sand and hope that any issues simply go away. She needs to learn this for next time, because I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to have conversations about important relationship stuff.

      Liked by 3 people

    3. I don’t think there are any rights or wrongs, but I would want to know because it would help with closure and it may also help with her not longing for him or the relationship.

      The fact that he is not leaving her for another woman will also help. PM, if I can, I suggest you make this crystal clear. I also suggest that you make it crystal clear that there is nothing lacking or wrong with your wife, and if you can, let her know that there is something lacking and wrong with you. You may not agree or believe this, but it will help your wife.

      I also don’t recommend telling her that part of your decision is because she deserves to be happy. She know this, and these words are blame shifting. Please, make this solely about you, because your reasons are solely about you.

      My heart breaks for your family.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Very good advice. Thank you. Although it’s not a happy thought I do feel good that I’m not stepping out of this marriage and stepping into one with Meredith. Although another women may have been part of this whole problem I’m not running into her arms. This is about my relationship with my wife. I agree, about reinforcing that she is not lacking or wrong. She is wonderful. I will surely do my best at explaining. In fact I do agree and believe it. Like someone else said, I cannot control her emotions. She needs to own those, so I should be wary about blame shifting statements.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is not really about your relationship with your wife though; based on everything you have said about your wife, she is wonderful and you have so many good and positive aspects within your relationship. This is about your dissatisfaction about what you believe is lacking – for you.

        Many relationships don’t have the good, important and connected stuff that you and your wife have, yet the people in the relationships are satisfied, and happy even.

        This is about your lack, and that is all.

        Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you all.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The only opinions that matter is yours, your wife’s, and your doctors. Everything else is armchair psychology. Everything. No one commenting on your blog is qualified to offer anything other than opinions.

    Do what is best for you and your family based on what you know now and the advice of experienced and knowledgeable counsel. You are trying to learn from your betrayals and be truthful and honest moving forward. That takes courage. It would be simpler to hide again emotionally.

    Also, your wife’s reaction may surprise you.

    The hard part for me was projecting. I was so terrified of what I thought might happen, how C would react, and what K would do, I avoided it until when the truth was revealed it was catastrophic. Within days of making plans to meet a doctor with C, revealing the truth, and letting her make an informed decision, K called C and IMO selectively told her things to cause the most damage.

    Take ownership of what you did. Answer any questions. Do not get bogged down in trickle truth or pride and be vulnerable. You got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aren’t you the guy living in a van because you cheated on your ex, you cheated on your SO with your ex, and she is gone? I’m not sure you are the best person to give advice but whatever.
      I have never cheated. I don’t get it. Leave. So easy. Just get in the car and leave.
      In the meantime he put his blog out here in the ether. He can delete anything.

      Like

      1. Moi.

        For someone so concerned about honesty its dishonest to pretend you don’t know me. I know who you are and you know me.

        And actually, I live out of my van, not in it. Which is both fun and funny.

        You cannot bully or blackmail me again. I’ve been transparent about my betrayal in my writing and with friends. It is all there.

        And you are right, you don’t get it, but you consistently pass arrogant judgement on me, on PM, and on others. What right do you have to call PM – or me – a fraud at life? Or anyone else? Everyone in these situations is hurting and you show up, not with compassion or empathy, but salt for the wounds. Tend your own garden and stop dumping shit into other people’s pain.

        PM, sorry this is flaming on your wall. Feel free to delete this.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Expect the unexpected. Yeah, I’m really interested to hear my wife’s take on all this. If she no longer feels the need to keep the peace maybe I’ll learn what her true feelings are. Or maybe I’ll learn that I already knew them.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. From my experience that is the important take away. You want openness and vulnerability but you haven’t given that too her.

        I didn’t give it to C or K either. It was unfair of me to want something from C & K that I wasn’t able or willing to give to them. Truth of the matter is I didn’t trust them. And so did my ugly.

        I hope your wife is willing to face you and be vulnerable now too. Regardless of what happens, what you’re doing takes courage.

        As I said I really appreciate your writing.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. 1) I’m confused…I thought your wife knew about the affair with Meredith? 🤔

    2) I know it’s gotta be a tough decision to make, so do what you gotta do. Best of luck in doing so.
    ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahhh ok! Sorry I couldn’t remember and got confused. I thought she knew the affair was sexual as well.

        In the end, I hope you 2 are able to come to an amicable decision and put the kids first. (Of course, you’re getting that last bit from a single person with no kids; but I’ve seen what divorces can do to kids). Looking forward to reading how it all turns out. I hope both parties can find peace.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Communication is important… and you failed as well. You have a very condescending way of speaking; I can see how she would shut you down as a healthy boundary for herself. But, it was up to you to communicate that not discussing those things that your consider important would be a dealbreaker in your marriage. You should have ended your bad marriage before looking outside of it. One doesn’t repair anything by buying a new one instead. Your wife has been the only relevant party to your marriage troubles.

    She deserves the freedom of not being your wife any longer, even if she really and truly is awful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve admitted my failure many times. Agreed. Her inability to openly communicate has a lot more to do than with me. There are things about her own history that contribute. It was the primary point she was working on with her therapist for months before we were able to even start couples counseling. That doesn’t let me off the hook though, it was still up to me to communicate, and I failed at that. I was also young and stupid. If I had known then what I know now I surely would have chosen a different course, but I cannot go back in the past and change that. Surely you can understand that people grow and change over 20 years? And I ABSOLUTELY should have ended my marriage before stepping outside. No one is debating that. And my wife isn’t awful at all. She’s a wonderful loving person, but at this point she is not right for me. Clearly I am not right for her. She deserves much better, and I feel terrible I cannot live up to what she wants in a husband.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. She doesn’t deserve better. Neither do you. You don’t deserve punishment. Neither does she.

        Only the most entitled will feel your W – or you – deserve anything. Infidelity, lying and betrayal isn’t a crime. It’s stupid, selfish, immature, and dishonest but it isn’t a crime.

        I ended up in K’s bed because I thought I was responsible for her feelings and well being. I ended up lying to C for the same reasons. It is old family damage coupled to hurt. Whether you stay or leave there is no wrong or right choice. It is simply a choice.

        My only word of caution is this: she still doesn’t know the whole truth. You’ve never been completely vulnerable to her. You’ve hidden an important secret from her but you want her to completely trust you sexually and emotionally but don’t pretend you’ve done everything to make it work when you still have fully explained what you need and want, and how you know.

        It would be easy to see how she was set up to fail. Stay or leave. Just in whatever follows be sure to listen to her and talk with her like she is someone you love – even if it isn’t in the same way – even when you don’t feel like it.

        Give her the information and let her make her own choices.

        Stay in the moment. Don’t borrow trouble.

        You got this…

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Infidelity should be a crime. A felony if you ask me. Getting married and having children isn’t a game. Infidelity ruins lives. The destruction fans out way further than anyone imagines but if you’re the kind of person who cheats you can’t see further than that, than yourself. Maybe it’s a temporary insanity or maybe it’s just who you are but it certainly should be a crime. Less people who do it if it was.

        And here’s a side note…children aren’t resilient. They don’t have choices in these matters. Therapist always tell everyone that they are. They just have to deal, but when they grow into adults ALL the baggage from their parents split follows them. There is nothing more selfish than doing that to your children.

        That being said, I agree this marriage should end because he’s never going to stop cheating. He’s had a taste of it and how it makes him feel and that option now lives within him. His wife deserved better and his children will suffer, be scared, and unsure but they will move on because it’s their only choice.

        Like

  5. I’ve been reading/following your blog from the beginning, but this if my first time commenting. I’m very sorry to hear it has come to this, because no matter how amicable or civil the eventual separation and divorce proceedings, you have young children who are about to have their whole worlds destroyed through no fault of their own. Personally, I see the affair as a symptom of your distress and unhappiness, not necessarily the source of your marital breakdown. However, hindsight is always 20/20, and it is unfortunate that it took an affair to turn the spotlight on your unhappiness and incompatibility with your wife. There are a lot of entries that have left me shaking my head and wishing you would grow the fuck up, but I also see some signs of progress and growth as well. Could you work it out? Of course you could, but at what cost? Focusing on your selfishness in having an affair gets you nowhere, certainly not to a happier, healthier marriage. You seem to have very good grasp of the suffering a divorce will impose upon all of you, yet from experience I can say you have no idea how broad or deep that impact until the process actually begins. My hope is the emotional “tone” can be moderated and measured for the least amount of distress and trauma on your children, the true victims in this mess. My hope is you and your wife put your children’s well being first and foremost in all future endeavors. I do wish you well and for peace of mind for you and your wife as you move forward.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Why are you saying poor communication? You have communicated the hell out of it. So has she. You want kink and she doesn’t. You can wrap this up in pretty words about how you have changed. Do you think she doesn’t know this?
    You have no idea what pain you are getting ready to unleash on your wife. This shit happened in my family and it took years for the kids to get past it. Being kind is so important. Why do you want to be unkind to her by telling her you had sex with a woman she knows? I cannot get my head around it. It makes no sense to me. You are several years ahead of her in detaching. So, you are going do permanent damage to “explain”why you need to leave. It isn’t an explanation, it’s a kick in the gut. I just don’t get it.

    Like

  7. Please, please, please don’t defend yourself. No matter what she says. Don’t tell her it’s because she did this and that, don’t fire back at her if she screams she hates you, and don’t do this when your children are in the same house. Don’t. This is your fault, you cheated and decided you wanted more. The not communicating part could be worked out with a lot of trust, time, and compassion. There was a time when you were fine with her just the way she is. You changed. She can’t open up to you because there is something she doesn’t trust about you and she was right. She’s probably always felt it. You promised to be faithful to her and be there through the good and bad times but instead you cheated when you felt it was bad. That’s the truth. Don’t turn this on her, don’t fight her about money because the only thing this turns into is a fight about time with your children and money. That’s what you’ll be left with. If she’s as wonderful as you described, she will forgive you in due time but not for you. She will forgive you for herself. This will forever change her. She will never ever be the person she was before, once she knows the truth. There will be a clear line marking the two parts of her life. The before and after. Don’t hurt her anymore than this will already. Don’t fight with her. Give her what she wants and deserves. You want your freedom and you will get that. She has no say in it. Remember that. Don’t go in fighting for everything split 50/50. She didn’t get a 50% part in deciding this will end or deciding that you should have an affair. That was 100% you.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Finally! How long ago did I recommend you tell her the truth? What would be extremely tragic if one day you wake up and can’t perform sexually… You have the life… The wife that loves you despite your disagreements, children who adore you I’m sure and then there’s your romantic incompatibility… After the divorce you still have to see your wife and take care of all the responsibilities having to do with your children… Please prayerfully consider your position. Pray for your wife’s response. Have you been praying for her response to you romantically? My guess is no… Do you know how much a spiritual connection can improve the connection to your wife?! Initiate praying with her. Be the spiritual leader. Talk about complete submission… Something you’ve been desiring of her for a long time… Don’t decide to divorce before you tell her the truth. Tell her and just see what happens next… Keep an open mind… If you haven’t been praying… Start.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s