Another Sex Talk

Well that was rough. Had a very open conversation with the wife about sex and sexual desires. She is so scared to say anything that doesn’t please me. But if she doesn’t tell me what she honestly thinks then we will never work anyway. She even admitted she’s just a people pleaser. It’s not her nature to think only of herself.

It was a really hard conversation which inspired no confidence in me for our future. We cannot talk about hard subjects. She even admitted she didn’t like talking about uncomfortable things. Why can’t we just watch TV? Sex is not the only thing either, I want to be able to talk about life, philosophy, complex and difficult conversations. She does not. No boat rocking. She doesn’t even want to read about philosophy. No politics. Just shallow day to day stuff. We couldn’t be more different.

Getting back to the subject at hand. When she did mention fantasies they were all very classic female: love stories; holding hands; kissing; me fixing stuff; hanging out with friends or watching our kids be cute. Not that those are wrong, but just not what I need. She rarely fantasizes in a normal day. Maybe once a week or so. She will read romance novels periodically. She does not get excited about spanking or power exchange or exhibitionism in any sense. She likes plain normal bedroom sex infrequently. She never masturbates. In fact she is reading a blog I asked her to read and many parts of it make her tense (it’s not that tense). The woman in the blog masturbates quite frequently for her husband. It makes my wife uncomfortable. Let alone more intense sexual acts.

Frankly I’m beginning to see big holes here. Much bigger than before. Do I even want to continue trying to make this work? How much is sex and how much is just that we are different. At the end of the day we can’t do a whole host of things I want to do with my best friend. Things I want to do with the person I’m having sex with. I’m not convinced counseling is going to help. It will not fundamentally change either of us.

We’ve been going to counseling and working on things for awhile now. Although we can talk about sex now which is an enormous improvement, what we are finding is that we are in fact quite different. The fact that we couldn’t discuss this stuff before just masked the problems. Just sitting there talking yesterday made her so uncomfortable. I felt great like we were able to have a real conversation, and she was exasperated by the entire experience. Life is about more than just getting through the day. I want a life long partner to push me to learn; to push me to think differently; who really understands me.


7 thoughts on “Another Sex Talk

  1. So you’re just going to keep buying counseling appointments, for what ? This is so hard to watch. WHY are you doing this to yourself ?? Do you think you deserve it? WHAT is the hold up on getting a divorce and moving on ?

    Something is not right with that woman, and instead of removing yourself from the relationship and doing what you know the right thing is, you’re doing the exact opposite and keeping the weird, uncomfortable, mismatched situation going.

    She deserves someone that matches up with her. So do you. Do you really not understand this yet ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You fixing stuff is a fantasy for her? Is that what women fantasise about?

    I also see your friend is commenting again and in hard terms as usual. It’s not that there is something ‘wrong with her’. I have known lots of people who don’t want to talk about anything, who don’t rock boats. Some people just don’t care enough or feel fired up enough about anything to say what they mean. And then there are a lot of people who are afraid to really speak their mind because they are afraid of ridicule or rejection. Believe me, I know about this on a very personal level and it took YEARS for me to be able to speak out and say what I wanted to. Her realisation that you may leave her if she doesn’t will not make her start to talk. It will probably have the opposite effect. Her lack of openness maybe from learned experiences in her past, but it becomes hardwired and you could have to work for years with a counsellor to change that.

    The simple fact of the matter seems to be that she is traditional and very vanilla. And you’re not. You may have put that aside in past years for your relationship, but like I said before, you can’t beat it down forever. You hinted at an open relationship. I really don’t think that if she’s struggling with her own sexuality or lack of it, that she’s going to entertain this. She probably won’t tell you though. And that actually will make it worse.

    She seems like the kind of person who would rather brush things under the carpet and not face issues, for the sake of peace, no matter how bad that feels. That doesn’t work forever, and it becomes very frustrating for the other partner.

    The simple fact of the matter – from what I see anyway – is that you are very different people. You either have to go with that or walk away. Staying for the kids is not a good excuse unless you GENUINELY think that you can potentially spend the rest of your life like this.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Does your wife ever get really angry or really upset or have any emotion loudly? Just curious. I feel like she’s trapped in herself and that makes my heart hurt for her. She’s sounds like she’s uncomfortable in her own skin. Either way, stop cheating for goodness sake. Work on you so you can at least be the best you whatever happens. We all have issues and this is a good opportunity to get to understand why you do things you do and figure out who you really want to be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. She does have lots emotions. She wears her emotions right out on her sleeve. Yet you are correct, when it comes to things the church would view as “unpure” she really struggles. She also does not like to rock the boat and gets upset very quickly over a lot of subjects I would like to be able to discuss. Then she lashes out at me.

      Yes. I am not going to cheat with Sydney but I am spending a lot of time trying to understand why I do what I do. She highlighted something for me and I plan on discussing it in counseling.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Just my thoughts on reading about your wife- anyone who is that sexually ‘repressed’ needs to discover why.
    She has no idea what an erotic/sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are a menage with you and another hot guy, or exhibitionism (on a beach, a rooftop), handcuffs & floggers.. even something as simple as going to a 5 star restaurant commando for a shy woman. Your wife described real life.
    All it takes to screw up a person’s feelings about sex, making them see it as bad, dirty, shameful etc is some event in their past – which could have seemed relatively minor but damages how they handle sex and their sexuality.
    (Or it can be a massive trauma like rape, .. or being raised in a Puritanical family, but you would know about those).
    You would be surprised how many people who can’t enjoy their body and sexuality are that way because they internalized wha they were told long ago as a child when they were caught ‘playing doctor’ or masturbating, or being too curious about another small playmates ‘different anatomy’.
    Not saying that’s your wife’s issue but it it very common reason for sex issues. Have you tried getting her high? Marijuana is great for loosening inhibitions while being mild, not a ‘drug’ like offering her Ecstasy.
    I understand how you feel. I had some old issues but once I got in touch with my sexuality I wanted to try a little bondage, some S&M, exhibitionism was a big turn on. But my husband, while willing to experiment with positions, was not willing for sex on the balcony of a busy hotel or using floggers.
    Not willing to cheat though so must remain fantasies for me, unless I can get some weed or Ecstasy into him. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You hit on a lot there. There is probably some reason but biology could be part of it too. I believe people have different levels of sexual needs. Either way she is not willing to explore it. Especially not with me. The past is done to her and nothing is wrong with her. Getting high! Ha! Not a chance in hell she would go there. Bet it would help though. Yeah I don’t know. She just doesn’t think very sexualy. Never has.


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