Well that was rough. Had a very open conversation with the wife about sex and sexual desires. She is so scared to say anything that doesn’t please me. But if she doesn’t tell me what she honestly thinks then we will never work anyway. She even admitted she’s just a people pleaser. It’s not her nature to think only of herself.
It was a really hard conversation which inspired no confidence in me for our future. We cannot talk about hard subjects. She even admitted she didn’t like talking about uncomfortable things. Why can’t we just watch TV? Sex is not the only thing either, I want to be able to talk about life, philosophy, complex and difficult conversations. She does not. No boat rocking. She doesn’t even want to read about philosophy. No politics. Just shallow day to day stuff. We couldn’t be more different.
Getting back to the subject at hand. When she did mention fantasies they were all very classic female: love stories; holding hands; kissing; me fixing stuff; hanging out with friends or watching our kids be cute. Not that those are wrong, but just not what I need. She rarely fantasizes in a normal day. Maybe once a week or so. She will read romance novels periodically. She does not get excited about spanking or power exchange or exhibitionism in any sense. She likes plain normal bedroom sex infrequently. She never masturbates. In fact she is reading a blog I asked her to read and many parts of it make her tense (it’s not that tense). The woman in the blog masturbates quite frequently for her husband. It makes my wife uncomfortable. Let alone more intense sexual acts.
Frankly I’m beginning to see big holes here. Much bigger than before. Do I even want to continue trying to make this work? How much is sex and how much is just that we are different. At the end of the day we can’t do a whole host of things I want to do with my best friend. Things I want to do with the person I’m having sex with. I’m not convinced counseling is going to help. It will not fundamentally change either of us.
We’ve been going to counseling and working on things for awhile now. Although we can talk about sex now which is an enormous improvement, what we are finding is that we are in fact quite different. The fact that we couldn’t discuss this stuff before just masked the problems. Just sitting there talking yesterday made her so uncomfortable. I felt great like we were able to have a real conversation, and she was exasperated by the entire experience. Life is about more than just getting through the day. I want a life long partner to push me to learn; to push me to think differently; who really understands me.