Rambling through my brain today are questions as to why these relationships are appealing to me. Also I’ve been thinking about my marriage and what is missing. Clearly there are good things in my marriage, but there seems to be a large void. Is it me? Am I just a horrible narcissistic person as some have accused? Have I changed over time? Has my wife changed over time? Was there always something missing?
Frankly I think there has always been something missing, but as we go through life we change and grow. Early in my marriage the missing pieces were not as important as what I had. For some reason that changed.
Was it Meredith or was it always destined to be somebody, and she was just there at the right time? How do I factor in Sydney? And what about the future? If Sydney disappears will she just be replaced by another? Frankly I thought Meredith was a one on a million find, but then Sydney popped up. How many more are there that I would run into? Why did it not happen before?
I’m not in love with Sydney. But she is making me think a lot about what is troubling me. I’m not happy in my marriage. I love my wife. She is a wonderful person, but I’m not drawn to her romantically anymore. I’m not sure I ever really was. I was drawn to who I thought she could be. Who I wanted to believe she was.
Can my marriage be enough? Is this even what I want to be in? Maybe run through some hypotheticals. What if there were no kids? What if there was no Meredith or Sydney waiting in the wings? Would I choose to stay married? Honestly, the answer is probably No. I think if the kids were not here, and I understand how I feel now I would probably leave this relationship.
Another thing. This relationship with Sydney has not delved into bdsm at all. As far as I can tell Sydney has no shared kinks with me. Of course we have not explored that either. Nor should we. But here I had been saying everything was fine with Meredith until there was bdsm sex on the line. Is that true? Maybe it’s not that at all.
Is it the hunt? Would the excitement die soon after if one of these was to form into a relationship? I can see it failing quickly with Sydney, but not with Meredith. She was special.
Would an open relationship matter here? If I were able to be with someone on the side how would that impact my life? I’m sure there are lots of negatives, but there are people in open marriages and they do fine. Monogamy is not a normal thing. We have to fight hard to make it happen. Maybe I’m not strong enough for that fight.
Would I just be better to have never married at all? I do feel that way many times. I love my children. I always wanted children, but maybe that was a mistake. Forever is a long time. Maybe 20 years is my max. Going down this road makes me quite depressed. I want to be here for them in the future at some level.
I feel like I’m setting my wife up for a no-win situation. We put our lives on hold for so long. They are finally coming together and I feel like I want out. On paper our lives are almost perfect right now. But I’m living in turmoil.
What if Sydney were Sid instead? Finding a man of similar personalities would help solve the friendship problem with no risk of romantic relationship. I’m not sure I could even find a male version. Maybe he wouldn’t be appealing to me because he is a man. Maybe this was always destined to be a romantic relationship. Or maybe I just connect better with women. My last two bosses have been women and we work very well together.
So much to think about. Maybe I should have another session with the counselor before I talk to my wife. I’m really scared about all this. What the hell is going on with me? So many questions…