My Own Counseling

A couple days ago I went to see our marriage counselor by myself. This was planned. She wanted to discuss in more detail the things I’m hoping for. I have another session set for next week.

We mostly discussed my relationship with Meredith. My counselor had not heard most of the details because I am either not sharing those with my wife or my wife does not want me to refer to Meredith. It makes much of this difficult to discuss. But I was very open with our counselor. She took it all in stride.

We talked about two major themes. The first is that there were really two parts to my affair. The friendship part of it, which led to a strong emotional affair, and the physical part of it. The physical part of the affair included a lot of self discovery. Exploring those parts of myself I had never been allowed to explore.

Because of the affair, I learned a lot about myself. This was not an affair to just get more sex than I could get at home. This was about exploring a completely different type of relationship. One that I now know can exist and is wonderful.

In the end any affair is wrong. I know that. My counselor knows that, but it is important to understand what it meant. Why did it happen, and what does that mean to my current relationship with my wife? This affair was not some random hookup on Craigslist or Tinder. In fact, I’ve mostly been able to avoid those paths. But finding out that this woman who was quickly becoming my best friend also had matching sexual desires was too much to resist for both of us. I mean she was standing right in front of me. There was no seeking.

The other issue we explored was that I will very likely need to confess all of my affair to my wife in order to move forward. All of it. The thought of that scares me to death. On the other hand, with the counselor’s help my wife is now in a much better place, and able to actually listen to me now. Our discussions have been so much deeper lately. Maybe this is the time. I don’t believe she could’ve handled it well before. Although this will be devastating to her it will allow for more honest communication. I really believe she could process it now without shutting down before we can talk.

The reason I really need to share is that most of my new knowledge about how I want to live my life was experienced with Meredith. If I cannot talk openly about that experience then my wife will never truly understand what I’m talking about. Many of the concepts are subtle and vague, especially if you don’t already think in a submissive mindset.

Last, we were given some homework. Every day we need to talk about sex together. She needs to share her thoughts and desires on sex and I need to be specific about sex with her. We started that two nights ago. It’s going really well. My wife does enjoy some of the same elements I do, but many of them she really didn’t even know what they were. We spent some time defining things like deep throat, sexual humiliation, and types of exhibitionism.

Last night we really hit on something though. I found it very hard to talk openly with my wife about certain fantasies of mine. Ones I found so easy to discuss with Meredith. I realized that my wife and I have a long history of me sharing vulnerable parts of myself with her, and then she turns around and tells friends and family. Taking my vulnerability and exposing it to others. It hit me like a sledge hammer as I was trying to open up. She knew exactly what I was taking about, and she felt horrible about it. She knows now how important all this is to me, and how damaging it was for us that she betrayed my trust. At the time she thought it was just funny.

In the end, we did get through a few core concepts. She handled them very well, and even commented on how proud she was of herself for being able to have a conversation like that. Even six months ago she would not have been able to. Her words, not mine. She was not in agreement with most of the things I brought up, but she acknowledged a few might be OK at least to try.

We also ended with pretty great sex the first night, and this morning. Clearly talking about things helps.

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6 thoughts on “My Own Counseling

  1. This is the most hopeful post I’ve seen from you in a long time. Telling your wife the entire Meredith story will be the most wretched thing you ever do (I hope). But in the end, she does deserve the entire truth. I hope for both of your sakes that your wife is strong enough and brave enough to get through it without losing the ground she has gained.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This is a great post, thank you. It explains a lot about your story. I’m always a bit sceptical about couples counselling. Particularly as you demonstrate how there isn’t always the deep level of honesty you need to make it effective. I think single sessions could be more helpful in some instances. The issues over your wife’s confidentiality is interesting and speaks volumes. Thank you for this.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. “This was about exploring a completely different type of relationship. One that I now know can exist and is wonderful.“…this completely resonates with me. I felt exactly like this when reflecting upon my affair with CEO. It changed me and I now knew, that type of relationship existed. The difference between you and I was that I did confess. I remember telling my husband that I can’t “undo” the woman I had become while with CEO. She was now part of me…

    In time, my husband understood. But it took confessing and speaking openly about everything. It was emotionally draining but we’ve gotten through that. You can too…but it starts with taking that step towards full transparency. It’s going to be gut wrenching for your wife to hear but I think with your therapists help, you guys can rebuild your marriage. Btw- I agree with the others. This is a good post and it sounds like you have a good therapist there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are very brave. And very committed. It is very loving for you to be working patiently through things in the way you are doing.

    The struggles you have gone through and are going through are VERY common for couples where one person is kinky and the other is less kinky or not kinky. (Similar common issues exist where partners have different “orientations” as to polyamory/monogamy or different conditions re high/low libido.)

    For your goals I think you are getting very good help. I am glad to see that you have therapists that seem to be helping you restore your marriage and don’t *seem* to be making you feel ashamed for what you are finding to be your kinky or sexual personality.

    I do NOT want to decide for you that you are kinky and your wife isn’t or that you are “mismatched” in a way that sounds discouraging or insurmountable.

    But just know that MANY kinky people end up feeling/deciding that being kinky is part of them, a little bit like an orientation, just like you compared it to bisexuality in a different post.
    And MANY people are in the same place as you and your wife
    are or have been there.

    If you were to look online regarding kinky/vanilla partnerships you will find that this is a REALLY common problem. It causes a LOT of pain apart from adultery. Many kinky people deal with serious emotional and other types of pain when they feel they have to repress, deny, ignore or hide a deeply felt component of their sexuality- which in my opinion is part and parcel of who we are as people.

    I started reading your blog when it was new and have been offline for a while so it is interesting to see how your journey is progressing.

    Unlike other readers of yours, I don’t think your problem is that you crave having an affair because it is taboo or because you failed to keep proper boundaries. I don’t even think it is that you have a “type” that you are mutually attracted to.

    I think it is *possible* that you are just wired to be a more kinky (or erotic, sexually free or interested type person) and that your wife is not. I think the people you are attracted to and are attracted to you recognize this side of you or really, there is just plain chemistry that happens between certain individuals and that naturally kinky part in both of you connects with a bolt of electricity.

    Kink and sex is not just physical- if you are kinky or very sexually open *I* believe it is who you are and it affects every other part of your life. *I* think you need to continue learning about yourself as you have been doing and it is cool to see how you are trying to work through this with your wife.

    There may come a time (or maybe you have already made this decision) when you will or should know how far this marriage can adapt so that you *both* can be fulfilled. Just know that issues regarding kinky/vanilla pairings are SO common and there are resources out there for you, support groups.

    I think you might first have to figure out more about your kinkiness and ways you can get those needs met because you may be unsatisfied and keep running into this problem repeatedly because you haven’t grasped the fundamental nature of it.

    Feel free to think I gave you the worst advice ever and if I am wrong then you might be much better off. I’m a kinky and sexual person who has spent DECADES trying to fight, deny, ignore and hide those parts of me only to find that life, love, sexuality and wholeness don’t work well that way.

    But thank you for sharing your progress. I am reading and learning.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I really appreciate your well thought out response. It seems “running into this problem repeatedly” is turning out to be true. I was hoping it was not. Even now I keep going back and forth on whether or not it’s a good idea to try to work on my marriage at all. Some days I feel there is hope and others none.

      Liked by 1 person

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