Archiving a Relationship

~

  • We met for the first time in December 2011.
  • We started becoming friends October 2015.
  • We discovered our mutual secret desires accidentally December 2015.
  • Our first kiss, and our first kinky interactions that crossed the line happened in January 2016.
  • We had sex for the first time in February 2016.
  • We had sex for the last time in May 2016.
  • We had physical contact for the last time in July 2016.
  • We had our last friendly discussions in December 2016.
  • Our last phone call in April 2017.
  • Last email exchange in October 2017.

*****

I feel a certain disconnect. My relationship with Meredith is never going to happen. It was never going to happen. Too many lives would have been shredded. It is only a fantasy of the type that requires us to both be younger and single.

I have all these shards from our relationship all over. In email, voicemail, Evernote, journals. I need to archive it. Put it all in one locked down box so I can move on. If I need I can go look in the box, but no longer will I randomly run across reminders of her anymore.

This is the process I’m going through right now. Packing it all away. Things are too scattered for me to remember what is and is not hidden and from whom. Time to just move it all into one spot and then open my life back up. My life has held a secret for two years now and I need to let it go.

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12 thoughts on “Archiving a Relationship

  1. I am going to get preachy. First, a question. Were you miserable in your marriage, in your life, before Meredith? Was it, instead, a rather humdrum but safe life? For some reason we, in the West, have taken the idea of the right to pursue happiness to feel entitled to it. Your safe life is the envy of millions of people worldwide. None of us get everything. Those people who float their perfect lives across fb, instagram etc have about the same life, if they are lucky, as you. Appreciate what you have.
    You need to delete, discard, trash anything to, from, or about Meredith. Your wife does not deserve what you have put her through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! All of that. Erase her. Don’t save anything! Delete, delete, delete. Do yourself, your wife, and most importantly your children a favor and trash it all and erase her from your mind. How would you like to be years down the road and your now teenage child finds your box or file of forgotten secrets? Imagine losing it all then. It’s not worth it and I hate to be blunt, neither is Meredith. Fantasy. Why would you want any of it? To stay connected? Take your kids to Disney for fantasy and something new. Yes, that’s what you should do. Ugh, the “right” to pursue our own personal happiness. “It’s my life I’ll do what I want” without caring about those you leave hurting in your wake. I’m sorry, I’m a little pissed off about this way of thinking lately (well always but normally with verbal restraints). This kind of thinking ruins lives, causes trauma, hurts children and no one is entitled to that. You built a life. Be happy with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think this is a bit unfair. I never said any of your quotes nor do I feel that way. I do care about the people that have been or could be hurt. Deeply. I completely understand that lives are at stake. I’m really trying to figure out how to move forward. How do I move forward?? All I hear “go back to his things were.” I can’t do that. I’m not out to achieve my pure happiness or anything of the sort, but I did not have a good marriage before. Is the answer really just suck it up? I’m done doing that. I did it for almost 20 years.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Honestly if that’s the way you feel, and you’ll never stop wishing for someone else, or comparing your wife’s sexual differences to Meredith, then let her go. She’s not getting what she deserves. Right now she’s competing with someone she has half truths about and trying to please you or that’s how your writings read. My question is what needs of hers are being met. Is it that she is just lucky that you’re still trying? Have you ever been cheated on? It is the worst and your wife, even with only a part of the information, isn’t able to really put out there what she needs. She is just trying to hold on to the family you built. She’s afraid, sad, and probably broken. Just hearing about her trying and then you writing about this “perfect” match that you’ve lost…it makes me sad and obviously a little angry. My heart hurts for your wife.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Was I unhappy? Yes. But it was a safe and comfortable life. I was searching for something different. Constantly waiting for things to improve. But they were not going to. Before Meredith there were signs that something was wrong but I didn’t know what to look for nor did I have anyone to talk to that could help me understand. Meredith was that person. Until we crossed the line ourselves.

      I understand your perspective. I have a good life. It should be enough. I’m not on Facebook or Instagram but I get what you’re saying. But what you are telling me is to give up on a core part of who I am. Imagine I finally came out of the closet and was married to a woman and had children. Would you have the same response? Just suppress it? The person I thought I was should be enough.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I have a gay relative. He came out in his early 20s, is now married to his wonderful husband, and they have children. He never kept secrets. That is what you have done so now you have children who would be hurt if you “came out”. When I first read your blog I thought you should divorce immediately but instead you have drug your poor wife along while you try to figure out what to do. In the meantime your children get older and more vulnerable. I just read an article about the damage divorce has on children. If you need out get out. Don’t wait for another Meredith. Don’t do that to your wife. She would much rather you leave because of a need she can’t meet than because of another affair. That is cruel. Do not keep mementos of Meredith. They are a ticking time bomb.

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    1. That’s a good story and I’m glad to hear your relative is doing well. What I was referencing was a former coworker who was married to a woman for many years and is now married to a man. He wasn’t lying. He wasn’t keeping secrets. He just married young and didn’t really understand himself.

      Also I’m not waiting for another Meredith. I learned my lesson there. You keep making these would assumptions about me.

      Rather than just jump ship I think it’s worth trying to see if I could work things out with my wife. I can see you’re on the divorce side. That I should just stop working on things and leave. If not for the kids I would agree with you.

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      1. Relationships are a constant work in progress; that’s why affairs are so easy & exciting they do not require what a long-term relationship requires. You usually see the best side of the person the majority of the time. A long-term deep relationship requires forgiveness, it requires suffering through the mundane together, it means sharing every part of yourself with your spouse on a daily basis. If you are a courageous person you will tell her. You will let her see that you are remorseful and you should spend the rest of your married life showing her the love you should have shown her while you were having an affair. You took the risk of having an affair, now do the right thing by taking the risk and telling her the truth which will reveal whether she has a forgiving heart or not.

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  3. Oh, R. I feel for you. Boxing up Meredith is like boxing up a core part of yourself, too, is it not? You’re putting away all the times you were truly able to be yourself. Of course you can’t delete them. I do agree that leaving them lying about is just a recipe for heartache, but I know I would never be able to delete the things from my Meredith, either. Deleting text messages is hard enough. Removing all evidence of who I was at that moment of time is impossible. I want to remember that. And, on days when things seem especially bleak, pull out the reminders to relive, briefly, those shining gold moments.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. RP,
    I’m in a similar spot as you right now, and can relate with everything you wrote. There are scattered pieces everywhere – and i so badly want to go into each crevice of every room, and sweep the pieces up into one big pile and just be done with it. But similar to what Lanen says, i do really not want to completely forget about the wonderful loving times that will never, ever be captured again. Do i wish i could “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” these past 2.5 years? Sometimes, more than anything. But, sometimes i also realize that each day through my journey with him has become a part of me. And, I am who i am today. I’m not my best self, by any means – nor am i my happiest self. But its what i have now. \

    I completely relate. and wish you much strength.

    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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