In the end I contacted Meredith. Well it was a silly thing. As part of my job hunt she ended up needing to be involved. I emailed her a very businesslike request and she handled it well. She made some comment that she hoped my family was well. I took the opportunity several days later to say yes, but also I would be down in her neck of the woods between jobs if she had time for coffee.
It did not go over well. She was very blunt in her reply stating our relationship was over. While this should not have been a shock it still was. My mind is still having a hard time with this being over.
This is the woman who said she would be fine having “Property of Ryan Patience” branded on her if I so choose. And now she will not give me the light of day. The woman who last September told me it was over with her husband and she was going to file for divorce. Now she’s having another baby?
Of course I know why. At some point you have to make a choice and move on. She chose her husband. Can’t blame her I’m not exactly available. But what if i were? Would it have been different? What if I am in the future?
Anyway, I’m going to her city tomorrow. Go check out some sights. Things that were important to her then and now. Such as her school, which she talked incessantly about; her church; her favorite neighborhood; her favorite park; and probably buzz by the neighborhood she works now. Honestly I just want to see a bit of what she saw. She loves her city. In the end just seeing some places through a car windshield isn’t going to replace the impact of living there, but at least it’s something. Something I meant to do for years.
Of course there is the possibility I will run into her. I will dress very differently in order to avoid that possibility. I will not leave notes for her. It would be too soon after that email now anyway. I will just be there.
I will go down there. I will not get any questions answered. That’s ok. It has to be – this whole thing sucks. This woman who is perfect for me in so many ways I have to love secretly.