Taking a Trip

In the end I contacted Meredith. Well it was a silly thing. As part of my job hunt she ended up needing to be involved. I emailed her a very businesslike request and she handled it well. She made some comment that she hoped my family was well. I took the opportunity several days later to say yes, but also I would be down in her neck of the woods between jobs if she had time for coffee. 

It did not go over well. She was very blunt in her reply stating our relationship was over. While this should not have been a shock it still was. My mind is still having a hard time with this being over. 

This is the woman who said she would be fine having “Property of Ryan Patience” branded on her if I so choose. And now she will not give me the light of day. The woman who last September told me it was over with her husband and she was going to file for divorce. Now she’s having another baby? 

Of course I know why. At some point you have to make a choice and move on. She chose her husband. Can’t blame her I’m not exactly available. But what if i were? Would it have been different? What if I am in the future?

Anyway, I’m going to her city tomorrow. Go check out some sights. Things that were important to her then and now. Such as her school, which she talked incessantly about; her church; her favorite neighborhood; her favorite park; and probably buzz by the neighborhood she works now. Honestly I just want to see a bit of what she saw. She loves her city. In the end just seeing some places through a car windshield isn’t going to replace the impact of living there, but at least it’s something. Something I meant to do for years. 

Of course there is the possibility I will run into her. I will dress very differently in order to avoid that possibility. I will not leave notes for her. It would be too soon after that email now anyway. I will just be there. 

I will go down there. I will not get any questions answered. That’s ok. It has to be – this whole thing sucks. This woman who is perfect for me in so many ways I have to love secretly. 


7 thoughts on “Taking a Trip

  1. True love doesn’t always happen and we have to come to terms with that.
    But, as much as you think you’re going to find pleasure in seeing sights that mattered to her. Is she there with you to share the moment?
    She’s having a baby!
    Go visit, try and feel what she did.
    In the end, you’re still alone and reality is what it is.
    Wishing you well, and some peace of mind.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Holy crap, dude, you’ve turned into a psycho stalker. You want to visit her city? To see things that had meaning for HER? Why?? She was right to tell you bluntly that it’s over, but you refuse to accept it. You need to find a way to come to terms with it. She has chosen her husband and family over your affair. I have been on your shoes and I know it sucks when ‘the one’ chooses to not pursue a future with you. But you have to move on. Focus on YOUR wife, on YOUR family. Find joy in other places. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not a psycho stalker. I clarified in an update.

      Yes I do need to find a way to come to terms with it. I wish that it were that easy. I’m really struggling. I can focus on my family but I’m not happy in my marriage. I think I need to address that first. It will have to be the next major change in my life. Unfortunately the joy isn’t there.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve debated commenting because you know how I feel about all this; however, I decided to give it a try.

    I’ve read all of your blog and from what I’ve read the biggest problem you have is that you refuse to listen to people when they tell you who they are. You always think you know best. You always think you know the real reason behind any decision a person makes and then you decide that since you know they real reason and they’re not being honest with themselves then you should just go along doing what you’re doing. Take your wife, for example.

    Why on earth did you continue to pursue her? Was it the thrill of the chase? Did you simply decide you were going to make her submit to your desires? She told you in words and actions many times that she didn’t want to have sex before marriage. You were a good looking guy on a college campus full of women. You could have easily given up on her and gotten what you wanted from someone else. But you didn’t. Why is that? And once you did get your way and you found out she really didn’t like sex you continued to see her! She told you over and over who she was and yet you refused to believe it.

    You’re doing the same thing with Meredith now. It doesn’t matter WHY she chose her husband. You can choose to believe it was for all the wrong reasons until the cows come home but that doesn’t change the fact that she chose her husband. You refuse to believe it. You know better. You know why she did what she did and therefore you refuse to accept her decision.

    Ryan, you finally said something profound and yet you gloss over it. You have set this woman on a pedestal; you are pining for this woman and believe your future is with her and yet what has she done? She told you she would brand your name on her skin. She told you she was divorcing her husband. And now she says your relationship is over. She wouldn’t even let you have the long drawn out goodbye you had planned and insisted on having. She refused you! She can say anything she wants. Talk is cheap. She’s so submissive; she’s the perfect woman, and yet she defies you over and over. And you keep believing it. You believe her words when they are lies and you refuse to believe her actions when they show who she really is. She cheated on you while you two were embroiled in your affair, for crying out loud. You should know there is a problem when your mistress is cheating on you.

    I’m not saying to work things out with your wife. I think you two are hopelessly mismatched and as long as you’ve decided Meredith is this perfect woman (despite all the evidence to the contrary) your marriage has no chance. If you want out though, get out now. Don’t wait until you’ve got a replacement ready and waiting. That’s unfair to your wife. What I am saying is to get your head out of your ass and look at Meredith objectively. She is not who you continue to insist she is. For once in your life BELIEVE a person when they show you who they are instead of believing you know best.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hey! I thought you had stopped following long ago. Nice to hear from you. And yes, I know how you feel 🙂

      I can’t refute your claim that I refuse to listen to people but I don’t think it’s always that cut and dry. I think what happens is that you hear many conflicting things. They may, at one point, be telling me “this is me” but not long before they were telling me quite the opposite. Or they say one thing but hold out hope for change. It is really hard to pick through all that and say this is the part that matters. And yes, I suck at picking up on some emotions.

      Why did I pursue my wife? I was young and naive. She was an amazing woman with lots of promise. No I did not think I was going to make her submit to anything. Honestly I felt like I was some sort of scumbag most of that time because of the things I desired. I wrote about this before. I assumed I was wrong for feeling the way I did and I should change. If I changed then my wife was the perfect woman. It wasn’t until decades later I realized how flawed that thinking was. But I was 19 – 23. Not the most life experience to help me understand. But she also continued to hold out olive branches. Making promises about how things would be. Those were incredibly wrong too. It isn’t as black and white as you’re describing. Especially for a young kid. Looking back now it’s really easy to see, but at the time it was not.

      With Meredith you are right that it doesn’t matter why. But that doesn’t stop me from pontificating about it. I have theories too that I have not written here because they are too personal to her. But we have a mutual friend who has corroborated them. It’s actually a sad situation but I think she’s making the best of it. Yes it is hard for me to believe because of conflicting things she told me over and over. I have pages of words from her saying these things. It’s hard for my brain to read those words and know what we went through and then see where she is now. It’s a difficult thing to comprehend. Especially with a child on the way so quickly. All I can do is speculate because I will never know. We all do this. You do it too with CF. You just do it with a side of anger instead of sorrow.

      Talk is cheap. Good call. I do think about that. She did follow through on many other things when we were together though. Again it’s confusing. She’s only really defied me since April and it’s not like there was anything I can do about it. I’m married too. Before April there wasn’t much defiance. She did nearly anything I asked. We were great together. But she tried to focus on fixing her marriage sometime early this year it seems and she moved on. I don’t think she outright lied to me. Ok, the second affair part was weird for sure but we weren’t exactly exclusive at the time. It was a confusing time but I’ll just agree with you she lied to me then. A lie of omission.

      And I do still think Meredith is a perfect woman for me. Is she perfect, no. But I think we were wonderful together. I don’t agree there is a whole host of evidence to the contrary. She chose to work on her marriage. They were in counseling. That forces you to make choices and in order to do that she had to cut me out. That’s not lying to me. That doesn’t make her an evil person.

      But Sam I appreciate your post. I still keep up with yours, too. Waiting for the big D day.


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