Taking Control of My Life

For 15 years I’ve been working at the same company. For 19 years I’ve been with the same woman. Predictable. Stable. That has been my life. 

At the end of this month I’m changing companies. I’ll be moving to one that pays more, and has a more dynamic and exciting culture. I’m really looking forward to it. Though it has been a stressful transition. 

This is the first big change I plan on making over the next year or so. I’m taking control of my life. I’m going to live it my way. For too long it’s been for the company and for my wife. Now I need to take care of my needs. Starting with this employment change. 

My marriage is in need of a serious tune up, and if you’ve read recent posts you’ll know that Meredith is still part of my future plans even if she doesn’t see me in hers. 

I will have a week off before the new job starts. I plan on heading down to her city, and spending some time becoming familiar with her world. If I run across her car I plan on leaving a symbol for her to think about. To know I’m still here. Like a red string. It was something we talked about, and I’m sure she would get it. 

Of course, I question the sanity of that idea. It’s probably not what she needs or wants right now. But I do want her to know she is still loved by me. If she has made amends with her husband that probably requires full disclosure of all contact with me. Which means she would probably tell him. That could get me in a world of hurt. 

Then there is the very remote possibility of actually running into her. I’m not sure what I would do then. I mean why am I anywhere near her? I don’t live down there. I would have to tell her how I feel. 

I’m also unblocking her from everything. She never blocked me anyway. She simply stopped all contact. 

Either way this is my life, and I’m taking control. Changing things up. Taking chances. Moving toward a future that works for me. Will Meredith also be able to make big changes? That’s up to her. 

Part of what’s driving this is that I’ve realized my wife and I have no sexual chemistry. Can you imagine? 19 years together with no sexual chemistry! What the F is wrong with me? Why did I wait so long to figure this out? It’s just one of several things wrong with my marriage, but a really important one for a romantic relationship. 

Doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past. I can only look to the future. The future for me will be full of changes. I can do big things. I can make big changes. Starting this week. 

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25 thoughts on “Taking Control of My Life

  1. I used to say that my husband was 95% perfect, but that the 5% he was missing – his sex drive – was 50% of what I needed to be happy. It sounds like you are finally realizing the same.
    Please, though, for Meredith’s sake – any communication you send her needs to be clear and unambiguous. No red string she can misinterpret, or worse miss completely so you misinterpret her “response.” Try something more direct but close-ended in case she’s committed to get choice. A simple note saying, “you are loved” in your hand writing. And then *let it go.* You have to respect her choice, even if you know it’s the wrong one. Don’t put her back in turmoil when she is newly pregnant. It’s unkind.
    She didn’t just choose him because you chose your wife, and changing your mind doesn’t mean she will ever change hers. Maybe you will be together again some day, but it won’t be any time soon.
    Get your house sorted first, Sir. Then and only then can you turn your gaze outward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I am realizing the same. And there is nothing we can talk about which is going to change it.

      That’s a good point on the red string. Perhaps I’ll take her You poem and finish it.

      I know that she chose her course for her own reasons, but something is changing with me. It’s not so much that I want her to make any changes but to know how much she means to me. Still.

      I’ll keep thinking about this.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re lying to yourself if you say there has been no chemistry for 19 years. You have changed over the years and you obviously have become more and more selfish. Relationships require being selfless. Kids pound out any selfishness in you. The time, energy, selflessness you spend on your kids does not replace the responsibility you have to your spouse. YOUR CHOSEN partner under oath. If you are truly obsessed with sex, you are an addict. Every person needs balance and you need to figure out why you are allowing your obsession to destroy your attitude and commitment to your wife. You are ALLOWING it to change you. Meredith has made it clear she wants to make a life with her husband, but you’re still pursuing her? That’s stalking. Leave her alone and let her live her life.

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    1. I didn’t say no chemistry. I said no sexual chemistry. And I’m not lying to myself. My wife would even back me up on that. We have discussed it. We have great chemistry elsewhere. I do wonder if she might be a little asexual. I’m not an expert in that so just a guess.

      Have I changed? Hell yes! Everyone changes over time. So has my wife. Have I become more selfish? Yes I would agree with that, but you make it sound like a bad thing. I think standing up for what’s important to you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Deferring for years to what You spouse thinks is important shouldn’t be considered the gold standard. There should be give and take.

      I completely reject your outrageous sex addict claim. That was pretty uncalled for. Because I really enjoy an activity does not make me an addict. I want balance in my life and right now it’s wildly out of balance for me. It’s not my obsession. It is something that is very important to me that is missing in my life.

      Good analysis on Meredith. I’ll rethink my approach. However she left quite a few doors open to me. I don’t think she is quite as clear as you make it sound. But stalking isn’t right. Unless it’s a romantic gesture in a movie. Those seem to be accepted. I’ll call first.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I think this unrealistic yearning, this Limerence is clouding your rational thinking. How do you KNOW Meredith left doors open? How do you know she is miserable? She is pregnant so she might be suffering from morning sickness. She had to have been intimate with her husband to be pregnant. She must be planning a life of 18 years with him because of that baby. Are you planning on waiting around that long?

        You need to get your life in order first. Why are you stringing your poor wife along? Doesn’t she deserve the truth. Lying is soul destroying.

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      2. There it is! Limerence. I was waiting for that.

        I don’t KNOW she left doors open, but she knows full well how to block me from her life as I’ve watched her do it with toxic friends in the past. She has chosen not to do that with me.

        I know she is miserable because we share a mutual friend who has shared that with me. And yes morning sickness may be a part of it but it runs deeper.

        Of course she was intimate with her husband! She always has been. She loves sex, even with him. About planning the next 18 years with him I don’t know and neither do you. She is definitely working on a longer term plan. What if it is 18 years? Is that too long to wait for someone like her? I don’t think so.

        Yes I do need to get my life in order first. I’m working on that. The first half of this post was about that. I am not intentionally stringing her along. I want resolution to this as well. But I think it would be even more cruel to rip the rug out from under her. Especially for the kids.

        Look I know we will never agree on any of this, but I do hope you can understand that the world is not as black and white as you make it out to be. The emotions and mental strain I’ve been under since Meredith came into my life is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It’s often hard to tell who is in charge, my emotions or my rational brain. I’ve never had that problem before. I’m dealing with it the best I know how. It will never be up to your perfect standards but a little understanding would certainly be appreciated.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Everyday? That’s not me. I think you have me confused with someone else. Sounds amazing. With Meredith there would have been sex everyday. With my wife not a chance. For one I don’t want to have sex with her everyday. It takes 2-3 day gap for me to get excited enough that sex with her is worth it. And second she does not have enough libido for that. Once to twice a week is about her max. But realistically once to three times a month is probably our average.

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      4. I’m pretty sure it was you. I commented on that post I think. WP doesn’t neatly organize comments, but I’ll try to find it. Maybe it wasn’t daily, but more like 2-3x per week. I think you’ve lost your connection and you’ve allowed the disconnect to grow by wanting the opposite even more; hence the affair with Meredith. That’s a choice not chemistry. She’s done the same thing by making you feel like sex is a chore to her. The way she responds to you matters which contributes to sexual chemistry. Sex should be a celebration of your relationship.

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      5. I don’t know what to tell you. We done have that kind of sexual relationship. Never have. 2-3x per week would be such an anomaly. We never had a strong sexual connection. I’ve written about that many times. It started out slow and difficult and never really got better. There is no going back to the way it was when it was so great like I see with a lot of people. It was NEVER great. I’m a fucking idiot for letting it go this long thinking it will get better. Right now is the best we’ve ever had mostly because the affair has given me strength to push for what I need sexually. It’s just barely enough for me even though it’s the best we’ve had. Was the affair a good thing? No. It was horrible that it happened, but I’m glad that it opened my eyes.

        Sex should be a celebration of your relationship and your connection with the other person. I had that with Meredith. Never with my wife.

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      6. Some things to think about (I’m saying this very gently). Meredith is choosing a life with her husband, so your sexual connection did not supersede nor trump her husband’s interactions with her or her commitment to him. Food for thought, if Meredith had to get herself off before or after, that could indicate you think you’re better in the sack than you actually are which could be contributing to your wife’s disinterest as well. Women’s bodies can become desensitized, because stimulation requires nerve stimulation whereas males do not become desensitized because nerve endings play very little part in a man’s arousal. If a woman masturbates it is because she has programmed her body to require it and over stimulating nerves requires more stimulation leading to less orgasms with her partner (masturbating is no indicator of sex drive). At least that’s my theory. Also, you’ll have less sex divorced than single. You’re married to a beautiful woman who’s given you beautiful children. I suggest you appreciate that instead of criticizing your sex life. Mistakes happen, let your mistake improve you instead of leading you down a broken path.

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      7. Ok. Well that’s an entirely other area to explore. What defines chemistry versus other aspects of human relationships. In your words then we have no chemistry, but a great friendship. She is beautiful and very sexually attractive but we don’t click in the sack. At all. Never have. It’s like we keep trying it hoping it will be better. Hoping we will find something the other person likes. But we just end up with the same thing as before.

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  3. You haven’t written lately about counseling or discussions with your wife about the things you are supposed to be working on. Maybe I have missed those – my life has been a bit insane lately. At any rate, it doesn’t seem like things have gotten any better. Maybe before deciding what to do about getting in touch with Meredith, you need to decide what you are going to do with your marriage. Just my thought.

    And I can relate to your reaction about the commenter who said you were a sex addict. The sex in my marriage was almost non-existent. It was a HUGE issue and one of the reasons I sought the divorce. He was unwilling to address it. I was unwilling to go the rest of my life with once a year sex. That didn’t make me an addict. That made me a person who needed physical intimacy as a part of my marriage. A healthy connection. Anyway… I don’t think you are an addict. An addict would be feeding the addiction; not going without sex for months at a time while you figure out your life.

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    1. Nope you’re right I haven’t. At first counseling sessions weren’t happening because my wife wasn’t really invested in them and kept finding excuses. I confronted her about it. She thought everything was fine again. But then I got caught up in the job hunt and it took all my time so I asked for us to wait a bit. Either way it hasn’t improved any at home. I have a growing list of things I want to discuss at counseling and I think we will get there soon.

      I do agree with you about waiting before contacting Meredith, but something about this job change is forcing things in my mind. Also probably finding out she’s pregnant. I just can’t. I know it’s not the “correct” way but I already had an affair. Correct is long gone.

      I hear you on the addict comments. Much the same. Glad you understand.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I don’t recall reading that R Patience went without sex for months. I would define someone obsessed with sex (aka addict) when they have regular sexual encounters, but those sexual experiences do not satisfy which require more and more to top the last experience (i.e. porn, multiple partners, toys, etc.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, I was basing it on the fact that his affair ended almost a year ago now. And he does not have regular sex with his wife – as he has posted before, it seems he suspects his wife is asexual. He has never written about porn or multiple partners, to my knowledge. Nor does he seem to want to top the last experience. From my perspective, and I feel like I can relate, it seems he wants a satisfying intimate relationship with his partner, and that does not exist with his wife. What is “addict” about that? I wanted that with my husband when I was married, and did not receive it. It was a big part of my divorce. Wanting a satisying intimate partnership does not classify one as an addict. It simply means you want a healthy sex life.

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      2. Gotcha. I remember reading he had a sexual experience with Meredith, Mer’s husband and himself… An affair and including more than one person in a sexual experience is beyond sex drive. His wife is not asexual, she is vanilla. She likes traditional sex (he wrote about her being vanilla in another post). I stand by my assessment.

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      3. Hold up a sec. The situation with her husband wasn’t about a love triangle, it was about Meredith and I being able to be together physically without her having to cheat on her husband. It was a strange situation but I don’t see how it possibly makes any of us sex addicts. I could see having multiple affairs back to back with some random threesomes being sex addict territory but that isn’t me.

        I did ask the question in a previous post about my wife possibly being asexual. That was me bizarre. I’m not sure she is either but she has admitted she has a low sex drive. Compared to Meredith it barely registers. But when we do have sex it is very vanilla. No creativity or trying new things. I love creativity and trying new things. Again not a sex addict to want to spice things up. But you are free to feel that way as there really is no definition of one. I even wrote a post about it a while ago.

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      4. I don’t mean to be adversarial, but to me you’re rationalizing. 3 people is beyond just spicing things up (back to back threesomes suggests some serious issues beyond addiction in my opinion). . . bizarre seems to believe you are sex deprived and reading your content only suggests you are sexually bored and possibly an addict. I have heard there’s an increase in sexual satisfaction after divorce, but anything new is always exciting in the beginning. I think if you started another relationship you could find yourself in the same predicament.

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  4. every since the news that she is pg came to light, you have been kind of obsessed with the fact that she has moved forward, not necessarily moved on – from you. Do you think because of this, you just cant help yourself but re-appear in her world?? Like …forget me not…

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