For 15 years I’ve been working at the same company. For 19 years I’ve been with the same woman. Predictable. Stable. That has been my life.
At the end of this month I’m changing companies. I’ll be moving to one that pays more, and has a more dynamic and exciting culture. I’m really looking forward to it. Though it has been a stressful transition.
This is the first big change I plan on making over the next year or so. I’m taking control of my life. I’m going to live it my way. For too long it’s been for the company and for my wife. Now I need to take care of my needs. Starting with this employment change.
My marriage is in need of a serious tune up, and if you’ve read recent posts you’ll know that Meredith is still part of my future plans even if she doesn’t see me in hers.
I will have a week off before the new job starts. I plan on heading down to her city, and spending some time becoming familiar with her world. If I run across her car I plan on leaving a symbol for her to think about. To know I’m still here. Like a red string. It was something we talked about, and I’m sure she would get it.
Of course, I question the sanity of that idea. It’s probably not what she needs or wants right now. But I do want her to know she is still loved by me. If she has made amends with her husband that probably requires full disclosure of all contact with me. Which means she would probably tell him. That could get me in a world of hurt.
Then there is the very remote possibility of actually running into her. I’m not sure what I would do then. I mean why am I anywhere near her? I don’t live down there. I would have to tell her how I feel.
I’m also unblocking her from everything. She never blocked me anyway. She simply stopped all contact.
Either way this is my life, and I’m taking control. Changing things up. Taking chances. Moving toward a future that works for me. Will Meredith also be able to make big changes? That’s up to her.
Part of what’s driving this is that I’ve realized my wife and I have no sexual chemistry. Can you imagine? 19 years together with no sexual chemistry! What the F is wrong with me? Why did I wait so long to figure this out? It’s just one of several things wrong with my marriage, but a really important one for a romantic relationship.
Doesn’t matter. I can’t change the past. I can only look to the future. The future for me will be full of changes. I can do big things. I can make big changes. Starting this week.