Shock

I just heard the news from a friend who is still in contact with Meredith. She’s pregnant. I should be able to handle that news. We are not together. We have been out of communication for more than six months. 

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. My friend brought it up at lunch casually like everyone already knew. I feigned that it didn’t impact me, but it was all acting. She probably saw through me. 

It’s not that I meant for it to affect me. It was a physiological response. My stomach turned into a knot as if I were about to go bungee jumping. Then I became quite weak. My legs were shaky. It was hard to walk back. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the news was not just a pity party in my head, it was a gut level reaction in my body. 

She’s pregnant. With him! My god. I just can’t imagine. I don’t know what to think. Obviously my body is telling me this is bad. No matter what I tell myself I guess I’m not over this woman. How could I be? She was the greatest experience of my life. 

Maybe we were only meant to have a fling. We got too close. We should have focused just on the sex, enjoyed that connection, and moved on. We went too far emotionally. I fell deeply in love with her. 

Is it possible she’s moved on and I’m the only one stuck? No. That really can’t be it. Well it could be, but it seems unlikely. My friend was also wondering if maybe this pregnancy was a mistake. She said Meredith is still pretty unhappy in life and with her husband. Yet she’s having another baby with him? 

I should be happy for her. She wanted another baby. Lots of babies actually. But not with him. Yet she can put herself into those children. Maybe that will be enough for her. Maybe she really wanted another with him. Maybe they have reconciled. Maybe she just felt the clock ticking and made an executive decision to have more babies with him anyway. I don’t know. I probably don’t want to know. 

The last thing Meredith discussed with me before hanging up for the last time was the prospect of her getting pregnant. If that happened then there was a finality to us. She had decided to throw her life in fully with H. Well it happened. Man I’m still in shock over this. I can’t believe it really. She is not good with him. Now that thread bare promise is even gone. 

My friend also mentioned that she would probably not go back to work after the 2nd kid. Another shock. Meredith found worth in her work. She was scared to death of staying home as a full time mom. Now this is going to be her new life? What is going on? 

Yet there is still a part of me that says this doesn’t change anything. We may still have a future together when the kids are older. You never know. 

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5 thoughts on “Shock

  1. I completely understand your shock. I remember thinking after my affair ended with CEO, that if his wife were to become pregnant, it would have hit me hard. I think you just need more time to process everything. And more time to face the reality that this was in fact, a very typical affair. Affairs, by their very nature, don’t last. Your feelings may…but the relationships themselves exist in a finite amount of space.

    Remind me- how long has it been since your affair ended?

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    1. Depends on how you define it. We have not spoken since early April. Before that since late December.

      This affair changed me. I’m not the same person nor do I want the same things in life. Frankly I’m not sure how to live life without Meredith. She’s on my mind everyday. This was a big blow to hear about.

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      1. Yeah no doubt it was a blow. I would say you are still in the earling days of letting her and the affair go. It’s incredibly difficult during the first 2 years of no contact. I’m around 3.5 years past our ending and I still think of CEO every day. But I’m also living my life, albeit always remembering him even if it’s just for a moment. You’ll move onward. Each day you are doing that. But it takes a while to truly feel that. Time is your friend…

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