Journal: Truth

Meredith was not doing well here. She really opened up about her own marriage. My heart breaks for her. 

*****

Things are not going well for me right now.

H is on his third week of nights since Christmas and I’m tired. I’m not eating well, I’m not taking care of myself. The only time that I really could exercise is first thing in the morning but I’m so tired I can’t get out of bed. I feel alone and stuck in all areas of my life. I parent mostly alone. I work mostly alone. Most of my conversations with H feel like I’m counseling him on how to deal with his emotions. I don’t know what I’m getting out of the relationship except stability which I guess is nice but mostly doesn’t feel like enough. I’m to the point at work where I need help with the parts that I’m not good at like selling. And no one is there to help me. I’m being as strategic as I can but I have so little support it’s hard. Mostly I just feel so alone. 

And I’m embarrassed that I told so much of this to Dave today. He is our pastor and a good listener and also a friend of H’s so that’s good because it’s not swaying him against H or anything. But it just feels inappropriate to talk about. Like I’m supposed to keep all this inside and be grateful that H is so amazing. He’s working so hard to become emotionally intelligent. He’s a doctor. He’s funny. He’s musical. Yes, I know all of that. But he doesn’t really have time to support me. And even if he did, I’m not sure he knows how. 

What I told Dave is true. If H has a thing come up with his schedule I flex and figure it out. If I have a thing come up mostly I have to arrange for my parents to watch my daughter. It’s not reciprocal. And I can’t live like this much longer. I can’t continue to give all the parts of me to other people and not have any time to keep parts for myself. I just can’t. I can’t. I feel like part of me is dying and I don’t know how to get it back. I feel so stuck in my life.

And so what are my options? Leave him? What will he do without someone taking care of him? He will eat shitty food and not see his daughter enough and probably have a bad rest of residency.

Quit my job? To what end? I can devote everything to my family but then I will literally have no ability to leave because I’ll be financially dependent. Plus I’ll become resentful that the one area where I felt like I could make a difference is gone.

I don’t see a way I can move forward. I feel stuck. I feel like I played all my cards. And like the house keeps winning.

I’m so tired.

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One thought on “Journal: Truth

  1. Wow. Just wow.
    Meredith’s words here could be mine – married to an otherwise great guy but feeling alone, always being the one caring and not being cared for, feeling like part of me is dying….

    Liked by 1 person

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