Journal: Me

Another journal post from Meredith. She’s thinking about her sexual desires, and how she wishes they didn’t exist. I often feel the same way. Sex with my wife would be easy if I just wanted an emotional connection and vanilla sex.

The thing that really strikes me isn’t just the kinky desires, but the intensity of her desires. After H goes to sleep she takes time to get herself off. She needs sex. I’m sure there are a lot of women like that, but it’s not something I’m used to.

This post also feels a little like a dirty version of Romeo and Juliet to me. Here she is struggling with not being able to act on her desires. On my side I’m struggling with the same thing. Together we would meet them perfectly. Yet it is a dream that will never be.

*****

I wish I could turn off all my sexual desires. If I could do that, H would be a fine match for me. I could just have sex when he wanted.

Instead, I have lots of specific desires. And no one to do them with. And even when I feel emotionally close to H, I don’t feel sexually aroused. I hate it.

Why can’t I just be turned on by vanilla sex?

I came last night after he fell asleep. I read the third chapter of Raw. I skipped a huge portion of it and just went to the part where Malcolm calls her Lady Becca. I came as soon as I read that part.

I’m really down today because of it. I feel trapped by my desires.

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