This one was another unscripted sex talk which started as a blowjob request. A pattern is forming.
At the beginning of our talk I told her I was a bit stuck in how to handle this. She wants to give submission a try, but I could tell she was tired. She had been giving a ‘no sex’ vibe all day. Yet I was horny as hell. I’ve not had sex in many days, and we were together all day today. There are ways that I know how to act as a dominant with a submissive that would please both and get my needs satisfied, but I do not know how to do so with her. I fear she will resent me for even asking or just reject me. If she goes through with it I feel I can’t really ask for or expect much because she will hate me again. She admitted all those thoughts were probably correct.
Which led us to talking about sex in general. I don’t know what she wants out of sex. I asked her point blank what sexual fantasies or desires she has. She squarely said “None.” I told her I don’t know what to do with that. There is nothing for us to share. I am filled with fantasies, and she doesn’t have any. That means all the things I’m asking her to do are for me only. She does not get anything from them. That makes me feel like a predator.
She wants to do things for me both because she is scared of losing me, but also because she loves me. It’s amazingly sweet, but it feels empty when she gets nothing out of it. I told her I don’t want to force her to do all of this just for me. I feel bad afterward. I want us both to enjoy having an active and imaginative sex life, but I don’t know how.
She also asked me about what I want to do to her. Especially around blowjobs. I laid out a well said description that included places and activities and various endings and locations. In essence I want variety and excitement. She wants none of those things and views it like a chore. I can feel it and she admitted as such. I told her I’m not an asshole, I don’t want her to view sex of any kind with me as a chore. I truly desire for her to enjoy herself. In a D/S relationship the submissive actually has a lot of the pleasure directed toward them. However it does require them to have sexual desires. Without that I’m left with only pleasing myself. Very unsatisfying for both parties.
The podcasts talked a lot about confidence being the biggest aphrodisiac. My wife said that it was true and she was glad to know how confidently I knew what I wanted. But if I acted on them she would reject my advances. Hence our current stalemate.
I asked her about how she viewed her own sexual desire. She admitted that right now it was almost non-existant, and if we could just wait. But I challenged her on that. I asked when they were high in our marriage and what that looked like? Did she ever desire me or even sex to the point she could barely control herself? Not really. Were there times I was unavailable and she found other ways to satisfy her hunger by herself? Never. In other words she really didn’t have a sex drive at all before she was with me. Afterward it was largely dictated by my energy, and if it didn’t happen she just moved on as if it were no big deal. She does not think about sex most days. She could go a long time without and not care.
This is very different than me,and I would guess a lot of women too. We were able to talk about the Esther Perrel podcast where there was a woman who wanted lots of kinky sex. I explained this isn’t just me because I’m a man. There are lots of women that have desires too. I know it sounds silly to say, but my wife can be rather naive about such things.
When she said we should wait I said I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life. When do I get to go? We need to figure this out. We need to keep moving forward or start moving apart. We can’t keep waiting.
At one point we started talking about pain because she wanted to know what I like. That really seemed to upset her and she got very angry. She could not understand how I could want to hurt her. That I’m the one she trusts so why would I hurt her? Oh god. She got really angry over that. I explained that it’s only during sexual play and when it’s consensual. I don’t actually want to hurt her, and she knows I’ve never raised my hand to her or even my voice except during sex. She knows that’s true, but she just can’t understand this part. Frankly I don’t know why I enjoy it so much either. What I know is that when I have her bent over and I’m spanking her I get hard as a rock and really excited. I also know that many people enjoy the pain and the masochist side of the equation. My wife does not understand it; she does not think it’s normal; she does not educate herself about it.
Which led to a conversation about research. I explained that I read a bunch about this stuff. I send her less than 1% of what I research. She barely reads what I send her. Most of the time she just listens to me and then doesn’t believe me because she thinks I’m manipulating her. That’s hard for me. She won’t read it on her own and she won’t believe me. I told her the only way we are going to move past this is with more information, like those podcasts. And I can’t do it all on my own. I need her to invest in understanding herself and understanding me.
Our last argument of the night was about deadlines. She told me to give her a deadline to get the bdsm quiz finished. She kind of caught me off guard when the request and I told her I really didn’t want to do that. She told me that she is driven by deadlines and it is how she handles all the external requests. Somehow she associates all the external requests with the deadlines they provided. But it’s not true. It’s the external nature of the request. I explained that I’ve given her deadlines many times in the past. They don’t mean anything because I’m internal. She will miss them, and then I feel even worse for having the expectation. She said she wants to have a deadline to complete it to show she loves me. I said I want you to show me you love me by completing it quickly. We just see the world differently.