Earned Favors

Had an interesting evening. After the kids were to bed and I was back from running an errand my wife was finishing unloading the dishwasher. I needed to go take a shower and she knew I would need to as well. I came up behind her and squeezed her into me very sexually. 

“Oh honey I’m just too tired and there are too many things to do.” She said. Note I haven’t said anything. I grabbed her and she has already decided nothing is happening tonight. Apparently we are right back where we used to be. Submission be damned. 

I told her while being very aggressive with her that I was really horny. That I needed her to come upstairs with me. She said “it could be fun, and it might make me feel better.” Assuming sex was on her agenda. I responded “I need you to come take care of me.” She got kind of gruff like I would have the nerve to request she suck me off. 

Finally she said “well you have been pretty great this week. I guess you deserve a blowjob.” To which I responded “I’m not interested in deserving anything. I’ll take what I need. But I can see you’re overwhelmed so I’m going upstairs and you can finish up what you need to.”

She became really upset and angry at that. At me saying I should take what I need. I had to wonder does she know anything about the D/s relationship? The reason I don’t earn sexual favors as a Dom is because it gives all the control to the sub. It’s not right and it does not turn me on. 

I did explain that to her. I think she vaguely understood the concept, but was still upset over it all. She does not really want to change. She likes that I can do things to please her and “earn” sexual favors. That is control. Pure and simple. It turns me off big time. The only reason I’ve let if fly in the past is because I wanted a blowjob! Now I know to ask for more in my relationship. 

We were going out of town for the long weekend and staying with family. Almost zero chance of sex during the weekend. It was our only chance at sex for a few days. She knew all this – still not going to do it. 

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8 thoughts on “Earned Favors

  1. Just curious….what are her sexual fantasies? What does she need from you? Do you both get turns in sexual play? I think not being able to break from a task is pretty common. I understand what you want but maybe the timing was just a tiny bit off. You know like maybe she would have reacted the way you would have like if she could have finished a couple of tasks. Maybe if you know what she was trying to finish you could help her and then start. Just saying don’t get discouraged when there may just need to be a little observation of what she needs and she will give you what you need.

    Seriously if I see a pile of something that I need to deal with I can’t get in the right mood until it’s at least out of sight. Running a household and family while tying to be a sex kitten is a challenge. Just saying. Not that it can’t be done but it’s not fantasy island for sure. It’s hard work to get that balance.

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    1. None. No sexual fantasies. I’ve asked her numerous ways over the years and it keeps coming back to none. I can’t even imagine what that’s like. She is starting to understand now how that can be a problem in a marriage.

      What she needs from me is stability. I think sex is more or less what she does as a wife. She does enjoy it at times but it’s a purely physical act for her.

      And yes the asking for sex while she’s busy could be a problem. I have two points for that. 1) her singular focus and inability to pull herself away from “work” for “fun” has been a problem our entire marriage. She does not relax until every last thing is finished. That is a fine trait to have but it will lead to divorce. Sometimes you need to be able to let go. Not every time for sure, but their must be some room for spontaneity in the romance department. I am not a robot. 2) this argument was much more about the earning vs taking. She was angered by that comment. I said it purposely to try to help her understand the difference in what we have versus what I need. It is going to require her giving up control much more than I think she realizes. That comment could have led to a discussion but instead it led to anger. It was good that I happened.

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      1. Wow! No fantasies. I hope for both of you she *really* has them but because of something taught to her she can’t connect with them. I can’t imagine having none. That has to be….idk…empty. So sorry. It’s the most basic of human connection and it is what keeps a couple connected. I have hope for you. Ask her about when she was younger (high school when hormones are high) if she imagined married life and sex. Then ask her what she imagined the sex to be like. I imagined it being HOT. Haha.

        The busy thing I can understand. Now if she’s ALWAYS been this way, there may not be any changing but if it’s more due to establishing her career then managing small children, I get it. If that’s the case there’s room for spontaneity later…when your kids are older. It is really, really difficult to go from mommy to a sub or a frisky sex kitten. This may be a problem for you and your desires. You need some scheduled child free weekends, if possible. The spontaneity may not exist unless it’s a little bit planned….which takes away from what you’re trying to achieve. Hey marriage is hard. I don’t believe anyone has an easy one.

        I get you’re insulted with the feeling that she’s doing it because she said you earned it. I get that’s insulting to you. I get the strangest feeling your wife is very uncomfortable with sex. Like she’s disconnected from her sexual needs. Almost like it’s naughty and bad. Maybe you’ve mentioned this before. I respect your effort. It’s a great idea to write all of this down, like you’re doing. Sometimes reading something back a few days or a week later makes you see it from a different perspective.

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      2. Yeah none. I confirmed last night. It is empty. For both of us. It’s funny she said the same thing. We need to figure this out because it’s important to staying connected. I think we are in agreement there.

        She didn’t imagine married life AND sex. She imagined married life and children but never really thought about sex. Just assumed it was part of the deal and would take care of itself. HOT was not part of it. It’s sounds like she only really started thinking about sex once she was with me. And it certainly wasn’t high on her list. We don’t know why. Maybe something in her childhood. Maybe the whole purity movement affected her. Maybe she has low hormones. Don’t know but it is where we are. I feel much better just being able to talk to her about it. Like, hey this isn’t normal and it’s impacting our marriage big time. We need to talk about it even if the truth is that we will never enjoy sex together.

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      3. That’s difficult for sure. I think I just assumed everyone had fantasies. I understand that this would be hard to deal with. I mean you want your partner to enjoy this part of their life and not think of it as a duty. I’m not going to lie there were times it was s duty of mine to fulfill but that was when our children were babies. My story is much different though.

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  2. I would have given anything for my husband to have done anything like this with me. Who am I kidding – I would have given anything for my husband to have been interested in me at all sexually. Of course, I don’t have children, so putting aside a few chores for a bit is not an issue for me. I get what you are saying about the idea of “earning” sexual favors being a turnoff. I believe that a truly satisfying sexual relationship should be about wanting to please your partner, rather than any “score-keeping.” That would be a turn-off for me, and besides letting her know how you feel about it, I’m not sure there is a good solution.

    At any rate – I hope your long weekend is good. And as a total aside, I feel like based on a few of your comments, that you live in my general vicinity.

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    1. It sounds like you have a very different set of problems. I’m sorry to hear about that. The score keeping has been a problem for us. She keeps score on a lot of things. She will need to stop doing that with sex or we will end up not having any sex again. She knows. We are talking about it.

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      1. That was a big problem in my marriage, but it might have been fixable if he had been willing to acknowledge it or work on it. He wasn’t. Our divorce was final a few weeks ago. It won’t be something I will tolerate in my next relationship.

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