My therapist said something interesting today. He said you will read a lot of disparaging comments and articles about affairs, but when you are trying to get past one it’s good to look at it from a data perspective. This resonated well with me. I’m a data guy.
He said to think about this affair, and look at what I learned about my marriage. There was something not working. Something I was getting from my relationship with Meredith. Figure out what those things were. Then look and see if they can be added to the marriage.
Essentially I need to make a decision at some point about whether this is the marriage I want to have for the next many years. Use the data I learned about myself, and my relationship, to address the problems in my marriage. Eventually I may decide it’s not going to change enough or at all but I should use what I learned.
He said very few marriages are at an A+, but many are in the high B’s to low A’s and they do really well. Another group are in the B- to C+ range and they can float there for a long time. Usually below that and things breakdown. I feel like we are probably in that B- range and floating. Can we pull this marriage up to a B+ or even an A? Maybe. I need to use what I learned from my experience with Meredith to understand what it would take to get there.
Truth be told she was amazing for me. Even if you take out sex. We had such a close and wonderful connection. She could navigate my mind with ease. I felt understood and accepted for the first time ever. I crave that connection or at least something similar.
The sex is also important and my wife and I are trying some things. I’ll give it time. There is a lot to learn. We also need to get a marriage/sex therapist to help us through some of this. He will look for referrals for me. Someone who can keep us moving forward, hold us accountable and allow us to have a real conversation. My wife does not like talking about sex. Even with me.
We also talked about Meredith a lot. How I’m grieving and last week fell. He said its common to bounce around during the grieving process and it may take awhile. He also asked what I would’ve talked to her about last week. Honestly it wouldn’t been just the stuff going on at work and home. Nothing about sex at all.
He also asked me what I would say if she called me and said she split from her husband. Oh god. I both dream of and fear such a call. I would be overjoyed that I could be with her, but scared to death that I would not be able to resist being with her if my marriage was working out.
Lastly he flat out poo poo’d the idea of limerence. Yes I brought it up, Moi. It fell very flat. He brought it back to taking what I learned about myself, and separately dealing with the grief of loss.