We finally did it. Wow. That was a long wait. It was unintentional, but it happened last night. The talk I started in February of 2016 was finally brought back to the front of our relationship. How is that for patience?
Initially I thought we were going to have sex – which we did not. She had more work to do so I grabbed a beer and waited. When she finally finished work, and started heading my way I said “Take off your bra.” Because I wanted to start moving her mind toward sex as well as to relax and follow my lead. She refused, and started arguing with me about it. I said “It’s going to come off during sex, just take it off now.” And she argued even more. The mood was gone.
But a conversation began. A two hour rambling conversation about our sex life. It was very raw and emotional. What we want, what we don’t want. How it impacts the rest of our relationship. The way in which we are really great friends, but now we must ask, is that all? Early on in the conversation she said “We always have sex the way you want.” To which I said “Whoa! Wait a minute. We always have sex the way YOU like.” We both looked at each other. Apparently meeting in the middle was lousy for both of us. Yet nearly 20 years and we never talked about it.
That’s the real heart of the conversation. That we were able to have it at all. The things my wife has been working on with her counselor have allowed her to have these conversations, and not close down. Something we’ve never been able to do before. What came out was wonderful, but in many ways decades too late.
One thing my wife actually acknowledged was that her sex drive is much lower than mine. She’s never admitted that before. Now she knows how much that has been a problem for me. How I feel we are not on the same page.
She even brought up that she remembers earlier in our marriage I would bring up certain fantasies and want to talk with her about them. She would abruptly end those conversations, and say she doesn’t have any fantasies. Crushing. Looking back she can see how damaging that was.
At one point she got a little upset with me for knowing that we were not compatible early on and not ending it. I had to explain to her that I had no experience or knowledge to know what all we were going through meant. As far as I knew marriage would solve our sex problems. For one, I didn’t have the concepts or terms around BDSM until more recently. I just had feelings and desires. Second I had the culture telling me sex was great if you just become closer friends with your spouse. Bullshit, btw. We got along splendidly, and she was still not into BDSM.
I felt like a sexual deviant most of my adult life. Which means I saw myself as a bad person. Nothing equips us with how to handle and navigate these complex feelings and desires. Once I realized about two years ago that it wasn’t true everything changed. I saw myself differently. My confidence in who I am improved. I started pushing back when she made assumptions I was a jerk. I finally told her that I’m not happy and sex is a big part of it. Everything changed.
This led to us talking about some of the times we had periods of good sex, and how we each thought about those times. To her, they were great. She really enjoyed them. To me, they were painful. It was like we were finally moving in the right direction, climbing the sex ladder, and then it would plateau on the third rung. Over and over. I just kept trying, thinking maybe next time we will make the fourth rung and maybe later the fifth and so on. However my wife was thrilled we were on the third rung with no desire to go any higher.
At one point she brought up blowjobs. She felt they were unfairly distributed- which is totally true if you look at it through a fairness meter. It angered her. Not that she wanted me to go down on her more, but she just wanted fewer blowjobs. I look at it through submission though. It’s almost the only reliable act of submission I could get from her. I took it every time. I also explained to her that as a submissive I do expect her to get pleasure from pleasing her dominant. That things will be “unfair”, but that if she unlocks the dominant in me I think she will be surprised at what she gets out of it. There will be a lot of focus on her mind and body and I am certain that she will be well rewarded with quite a lot of her own pleasure.
We discussed at length that what I need for my sexual partner is a sexually submissive woman. She said it would be hard for her because she is not that way at work or anywhere else. I told her those things are not mutually exclusive. Being a strong-minded woman outside the home, and submissive to your husband in a BDSM scenario is a very achievable thing. Each side supports the other. I think there are many strong willed people who become submissive with their partners. It’s an opportunity to let go.
She also thought back to earlier in our marriage and how she used to ask for a lot more sex, and I would shoot her down. I stopped and asked her “Yes, but how were you asking? Was it aggressively?” She stopped and thought and said “Yeah, I guess it was.” To which I responded “I didn’t have the words for it then, but it was a major turn off for me back then too.” It was a point in the conversation where our entire sexual history was looked at through a new light. Things started to make sense. She also knows over the last two years when she has been aggressive toward me sexually that I have put an end to it. I need her to approach me submissively not aggressively.
She wants to give this a try. She has agreed to try to be the submissive sexual woman I need. She can see now this has been what I needed the whole time, but it isn’t her default state. Not only that, but due to her unwillingness to let go of control she would often try to take MORE control when she thought I needed sex. The complete opposite. She asked for help though, as she doesn’t do this naturally. We discussed that I will have a signal when I want her to submit, if she accepts then game on. Her goal is to accept as frequently as possible. She thinks this will actually be a really good thing to help her with her control issues. Just turn off her mind and relax. Let me take control. She may find it’s what she’s been looking for.
We talked about how much her controlling nature had impacted our marriage. From communication to sex. She needs to be more vulnerable in our marriage and it’s something she is working on with her counselor. It impacts her ability to let me help her; to let me do things my way around the house; to let my ideas work themselves out; and to let go during sex. Last night we agreed that it’s acutely important for our sex life. More so because of my dominant desires.
In the end how important is the sex life to a marriage? She asked, “then are we just really good friends?” Talking about a future apart was very sad but we were able to do it. We’ve never been able to have discussions like that before. Her counseling is working! Neither of us wants to be stuck in a crappy or sexless marriage or to have our partner feel that way either. We also recognize that we are a married couple raising two kids, and it is in our best interests to stay together. We both still love each other. We have a shared history and a shared future. We are great friends and work through day to day things very well. We are also both tremendously scared of being alone, her probably more than I as I’ve contemplated it more frequently. But it still scares me.
Moving forward we are going to try this, and see what sticks. I’m still concerned that she is going so far outside her comfort zone that this is only temporary. I’m also concerned that due to her not naturally having submissive desires that it’s still going to feel very empty to me. Most of the submissive women I’ve talked to or read their blogs say these feelings have been part of them for a long time. I could feel it when I was with Meredith. I’m not sure it will work with my wife but I’m going to keep an open mind and give it some time. It could be she just needs to experience this and it may change her.