The Sex Talk

We finally did it. Wow. That was a long wait. It was unintentional, but it happened last night. The talk I started in February of 2016 was finally brought back to the front of our relationship. How is that for patience?

Initially I thought we were going to have sex – which we did not. She had more work to do so I grabbed a beer and waited. When she finally finished work, and started heading my way I said “Take off your bra.” Because I wanted to start moving her mind toward sex as well as to relax and follow my lead. She refused, and started arguing with me about it. I said “It’s going to come off during sex, just take it off now.” And she argued even more. The mood was gone. 

But a conversation began. A two hour rambling conversation about our sex life. It was very raw and emotional. What we want, what we don’t want. How it impacts the rest of our relationship. The way in which we are really great friends, but now we must ask, is that all? Early on in the conversation she said “We always have sex the way you want.” To which I said “Whoa! Wait a minute. We always have sex the way YOU like.” We both looked at each other. Apparently meeting in the middle was lousy for both of us. Yet nearly 20 years and we never talked about it. 

That’s the real heart of the conversation. That we were able to have it at all. The things my wife has been working on with her counselor have allowed her to have these conversations, and not close down. Something we’ve never been able to do before. What came out was wonderful, but in many ways decades too late. 

One thing my wife actually acknowledged was that her sex drive is much lower than mine. She’s never admitted that before. Now she knows how much that has been a problem for me. How I feel we are not on the same page. 

She even brought up that she remembers earlier in our marriage I would bring up certain fantasies and want to talk with her about them. She would abruptly end those conversations, and say she doesn’t have any fantasies. Crushing. Looking back she can see how damaging that was. 

At one point she got a little upset with me for knowing that we were not compatible early on and not ending it. I had to explain to her that I had no experience or knowledge to know what all we were going through meant. As far as I knew marriage would solve our sex problems. For one, I didn’t have the concepts or terms around BDSM until more recently. I just had feelings and desires. Second I had the culture telling me sex was great if you just become closer friends with your spouse. Bullshit, btw. We got along splendidly, and she was still not into BDSM. 

I felt like a sexual deviant most of my adult life. Which means I saw myself as a bad person. Nothing equips us with how to handle and navigate these complex feelings and desires. Once I realized about two years ago that it wasn’t true everything changed. I saw myself differently. My confidence in who I am improved. I started pushing back when she made assumptions I was a jerk. I finally told her that I’m not happy and sex is a big part of it. Everything changed. 

This led to us talking about some of the times we had periods of good sex, and how we each thought about those times. To her, they were great. She really enjoyed them. To me, they were painful. It was like we were finally moving in the right direction, climbing the sex ladder, and then it would plateau on the third rung. Over and over. I just kept trying, thinking maybe next time we will make the fourth rung and maybe later the fifth and so on. However my wife was thrilled we were on the third rung with no desire to go any higher. 

At one point she brought up blowjobs. She felt they were unfairly distributed- which is totally true if you look at it through a fairness meter. It angered her. Not that she wanted me to go down on her more, but she just wanted fewer blowjobs. I look at it through submission though. It’s almost the only reliable act of submission I could get from her. I took it every time. I also explained to her that as a submissive I do expect her to get pleasure from pleasing her dominant. That things will be “unfair”, but that if she unlocks the dominant in me I think she will be surprised at what she gets out of it. There will be a lot of focus on her mind and body and I am certain that she will be well rewarded with quite a lot of her own pleasure. 

We discussed at length that what I need for my sexual partner is a sexually submissive woman. She said it would be hard for her because she is not that way at work or anywhere else. I told her those things are not mutually exclusive. Being a strong-minded woman outside the home, and submissive to your husband in a BDSM scenario is a very achievable thing. Each side supports the other. I think there are many strong willed people who become submissive with their partners. It’s an opportunity to let go. 

She also thought back to earlier in our marriage and how she used to ask for a lot more sex, and I would shoot her down. I stopped and asked her “Yes, but how were you asking? Was it aggressively?” She stopped and thought and said “Yeah, I guess it was.” To which I responded “I didn’t have the words for it then, but it was a major turn off for me back then too.” It was a point in the conversation where our entire sexual history was looked at through a new light. Things started to make sense. She also knows over the last two years when she has been aggressive toward me sexually that I have put an end to it. I need her to approach me submissively not aggressively. 

She wants to give this a try. She has agreed to try to be the submissive sexual woman I need. She can see now this has been what I needed the whole time, but it isn’t her default state. Not only that, but due to her unwillingness to let go of control she would often try to take MORE control when she thought I needed sex. The complete opposite. She asked for help though, as she doesn’t do this naturally. We discussed that I will have a signal when I want her to submit, if she accepts then game on. Her goal is to accept as frequently as possible. She thinks this will actually be a really good thing to help her with her control issues. Just turn off her mind and relax. Let me take control. She may find it’s what she’s been looking for. 

We talked about how much her controlling nature had impacted our marriage. From communication to sex. She needs to be more vulnerable in our marriage and it’s something she is working on with her counselor. It impacts her ability to let me help her; to let me do things my way around the house; to let my ideas work themselves out; and to let go during sex. Last night we agreed that it’s acutely important for our sex life. More so because of my dominant desires. 

In the end how important is the sex life to a marriage? She asked, “then are we just really good friends?” Talking about a future apart was very sad but we were able to do it. We’ve never been able to have discussions like that before. Her counseling is working! Neither of us wants to be stuck in a crappy or sexless marriage or to have our partner feel that way either. We also recognize that we are a married couple raising two kids, and it is in our best interests to stay together. We both still love each other. We have a shared history and a shared future. We are great friends and work through day to day things very well. We are also both tremendously scared of being alone, her probably more than I as I’ve contemplated it more frequently. But it still scares me. 

Moving forward we are going to try this, and see what sticks. I’m still concerned that she is going so far outside her comfort zone that this is only temporary. I’m also concerned that due to her not naturally having submissive desires that it’s still going to feel very empty to me. Most of the submissive women I’ve talked to or read their blogs say these feelings have been part of them for a long time. I could feel it when I was with Meredith. I’m not sure it will work with my wife but I’m going to keep an open mind and give it some time. It could be she just needs to experience this and it may change her. 

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13 thoughts on “The Sex Talk

    1. Oh yes I know. There won’t be any ordering. In fact that is the part I’m most worried about. She will somehow expect me to just order her and everything will be fine. I need to find a way to navigate that slowly. I also don’t want to overwhelm her as this is all new for her. Finding a mentor isn’t a bad idea although a difficult one. But there are plenty of places to start now.

      I thought you might like this post 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d been sitting on a private post that Sir said I could move to the nijntje site, yours inspired me to do that today!

        If she wants you to start off by just ordering her than perhaps you two should come up with some ground rules and do just that! Work out the types of things she consents to being ordered and see how you both feel about it … compare notes!

        In order for me to give up control in the beginning I very much needed the ‘slave’ aspects to be strong and in the forefront, it wasn’t exactly what my husband wanted at the time but He gave it a try and we eventually found our balance. Your wife sounds very strong, she might require something similar to start.

        The truth about a dominant is that they are first to fill the needs of the submissive, their dominant wants come second.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. While I don’t consider myself a true submissive, I do get a lot of pleasure from being submissive with my partner. My fantasies certainly reflect those desires too. I hope that the conversation helps you two to figure things out – whether you can be compatible in the end or if it will help you both understand that you would each be happier with a more suitable partner. As the one with the much higher drive in my marriage, I wish my husband would have been open to having any sort of conversation about it. Who knows if it would have made a difference, but at least it would have been out in the open. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah that’s kind of the point. If it works, then fucking awesome! But if it doesn’t let’s talk about it like adults and realize we need something different. Let’s do it together. Because we are in this for the long haul no matter we have kids now.

      Like

  2. As strange as this may sound, I want to know if she ever submitted to your request for her to remove her bra? It’s such a simple request, but small steps are what it sounds like she needs. Wife, remove your bra and show me how hard your nipples get. I personally almost weep with joy to remove my bra daily, but if Sir wants to see my hard nipples….baby, the bra is coming off at his request. Baby steps. Wife, bend over and let me see how beautiful your ass curves. I’m going to stop. I’m getting excited by the thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha! Yes right as we were switching into argument mode she finally did. Way too late. The mood had passed. You are right it was the simplest of simple requests but it all has to do with a mindset shift. She was not submissive in thought at all. Which means simple requests can be negotiated. If she feels like it or not. A submissive partner would view that request very differently.

      At the end, after she agreed to try this, I said “In the future you will do these things I ask of you without question. If I ask you to remove your panties and put them in the freezer you do it immediately and without second guessing or worrying about why. When you do those little submissive things you give me power.”

      To be honest we are not to the hard nipples yet. I’m sure she will resist that at first. And yes those commands. Take your bra off. Bend over and let me stare at your sweet ass. Those are where we are headed. I think we need more and more of them so she can get used to losing control of decisions.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a shame we can’t have a couples workshop. I’ll submit to you, you dominate me, our spouses can watch and learn! It’s genius! HA This “game” to me, isn’t just about the act of sex itself, it’s the lead up, the control. That is the part I enjoy the most. In more crude terms, I get off on the mind fuck. Get into my head and my thought process, I’ll willingly follow your lead without giving it a thought.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That would be a great “learning” opportunity! I can totally see my wife going for that.

        I’m with ya on the head games; the build up; the control. It’s so hot it makes me tremble just thinking about that aspect. When I got into Meredith’s head there was nothing she wouldn’t do for me. No hesitation.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to say this – you are expecting to run before you walk, you are not there yet.

    I’ll start by stating that there are plenty of dominants out there who spell out exactly what it is they are doing and why in order to have the submissive understand and therefore follow through, especially in the training period. You had barely even gotten her to agree before you ordered her bra removed, I frankly would have told you where to go …. sorry, some of us do not follow blindly.

    Once you have a set solid foundation you can expect compliance but you haven’t even negotiated wants and needs and consent …. the fact that she did remove it for you should have been praised and celebrated not belittled because it was too late.

    Seriously, find a dominant mentor because you might just end up damaging your wife’s chances before she gets a good look at what this can be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The bra comment was before our conversation. Nothing was agreed upon. It was just trying to be more fun and her rejection of it was absolute. There was no praise because the removal itself was followed by sarcasm to be a defiant act of its own. It doesn’t matter. That is what led us to having s real conversation.

      Liked by 2 people

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