Journal: Romance

In this post Meredith is thinking about her relationship with her husband without sex. Can that even be a marriage? Because I have wondered the same about my wife. Meredith wants to be friends and coparents. Generally that means you are separated and free to have sex with someone else. Because she is not saying she is giving up sex. Just that she doesn’t want it with him. 

It makes me wonder how much of a marriage is defined by sex?

*****

How important is romance?

I love my husband. He’s kind and thoughtful and smart. He takes care of all practical matters effortlessly. He loves me and our daughter. He’s my dear friend, our shared history means that we can laugh about many things.

And yet.

I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t mind cuddles and hugs and chaste kisses. But I don’t want sex. And now that I’m not drinking I can’t even pretend.

He got upset when we talked about it. He’s hurt. And I understand. But it bothered me that he didn’t say anything along the lines of “I want sex to be enjoyable for you. We won’t have sex if you don’t want it.” He just talked about how it hurts him that he puts effort in and doesn’t see it making a difference.

I understand that kind of hurt. That’s what I’ve been dealing with for years in a variety of manners in our relationship. Making him feel loved but not having any of it come back to me.

I’m done. I’m done trying. I want to maintain the parts of our relation that work: friendship and co-parenting. And I want to end the part that isn’t working: romance.

I need to talk with him. But I’m going to wait until after our vacation. Otherwise that’ll be super awkward.

The problem is that I really do love him. I feel tenderly toward him. I care about him as a person. I care about his feelings and his heart. He’s such a wonderful guy. But we aren’t a good fit anymore. Really, I don’t fit here.

There’s still a lot here. Between us. Maybe romantic love would grow again?

But really, I don’t want to have sex.

I’m so scared to move forward. Staying will hurt. Moving forward will hurt.

Oh and my daughter. My sweet daughter. Fuck. Can I do this to her?

But I really don’t want to have sex.

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6 thoughts on “Journal: Romance

  1. This is a frusterating post for me to read. She laughs with her husband. They have friendship and he takes care of all practical things. Wow. The saying you don’t know what you have until it is gone – applies to Meredith. He needs to be told directly what’s up. He’s practical, duh. She’s being critical of his feelings when he’s sharing his feelings… He’s actually sharing his feelings?! If she divorces him she’s crazy even if their sex life is not meeting her expectations especially when they have a little girl (everyone has flaws). Divorce, coparenting, shared time it is gnarly; walk down that road with caution. Both you and Mer’s husband sound like great husbands/dads and I really hope intimacy improves for everyone, but all involved have to be committed to the same goal. https://fyidivorce.com/2017/04/18/hard-divorce-fact-its-not-easy-its-brutal-for-children/

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    1. I think it’s a little deeper than “He’s practical, duh.” And him sharing his feelings are all about dragging it back to him. She gives of herself repeatedly and he’s fine with that.

      Divorce does suck. If it didn’t she would be divorced already. All those things you mention are true about this effects of divorce. But it’s more than just intimacy improving. The intimacy is miles apart. It’s in a realm he will never understand. Improvement just means she gives up on what she wants. Forever. It’s fine if you think it’s worth the sacrifice for the kids. I mean if you think a marriage can be great for decades with kids and no sex then they should be fine. Well kind of. She actually really craves sex. Frequently. And I’m sure he does too. How do you bridge that in a marriage?

      She glossed over the emotional problems in this post but they also have some real issues there as well. He does not understand her. They do not have the communication like Meredith and I had. He talks down to her. They have some pretty serious issues beyond just sex. But even so sex can be a killer for a marriage.

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      1. Sorry, I wanted to edit “duh” out the moment I clicked send. That was my emotion coming through. I realize there are deep seeded issues beyond what was stated in the post. Believe me, EVERYONE has issues. My own relationship story is kind of an outlier, so when I see or hear things are really good, but… It’s really difficult for me to comprehend especially when there are children. You had a connection when you married. Hypothetically if you married as virgins both of you were agreeing upfront that no matter your sex drive both of you will strive to meet eachother at least halfway – same goes for virgin + non-virgin. If you didnt marry as virgins, then you experimented beforehand and you absolutely knew what you were getting into before you tied the knot. If things changed over the years… Having kids is a big change… It is possible to get back to where you were if what you have is valuable (when children are involved that value automatically goes up). The things I just mentioned don’t matter if you value sexual connection more than commitment and loyalty which encompass the vows you made on your wedding day, but again that’s more of a choice than a connection. The brain is the most powerful muscle in the human body.

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      2. Ok. We all have emotional responses. No problem. I think the “really good, but…” is the root of the problem for me and for Meredith. If it were all bad this would be easy. But it’s not. In many ways the relationships are great. But in other ways they are really really bad. How do you make that all work? Especially when the parts that are bad can only exist within a marriage? In my own case the sex was never good. There was always the promise of something better coming. But it never did. I absolutely did not know what I was getting into. I had zero sexual experience;
        I had a future wife who was very uncomfortable with sex before marriage; the combination of our culture and my wife made it sound as though all would be great after vows were said. It was all bullshit. Lies.

        Having kids was a huge change. But I don’t ever want to go back to the intimacy we had. It was never good. It’s depressing for me to even think about. What you are saying is for me to give up on sex and intimacy for the sake of vows that were made. What about the commitment to me? What about the lies told me that they would and could be my one and only sexual partner?

        The brain is very powerful and I want to have a sexual connection with my partner that starts with our brains rather than just our bodies.

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      3. Thanks for giving me a pass on that one. Sounds like you’re choosing sexual connection over loyalty/commitment/your vows; however there’s no possible way to have that kind of intimacy if there is distrust or lack of disclosure. You’ve stated once before that you think she’ll want a divorce if you tell her about the affair. What’s stopping you?

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