In this post Meredith is thinking about her relationship with her husband without sex. Can that even be a marriage? Because I have wondered the same about my wife. Meredith wants to be friends and coparents. Generally that means you are separated and free to have sex with someone else. Because she is not saying she is giving up sex. Just that she doesn’t want it with him.
It makes me wonder how much of a marriage is defined by sex?
How important is romance?
I love my husband. He’s kind and thoughtful and smart. He takes care of all practical matters effortlessly. He loves me and our daughter. He’s my dear friend, our shared history means that we can laugh about many things.
I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t mind cuddles and hugs and chaste kisses. But I don’t want sex. And now that I’m not drinking I can’t even pretend.
He got upset when we talked about it. He’s hurt. And I understand. But it bothered me that he didn’t say anything along the lines of “I want sex to be enjoyable for you. We won’t have sex if you don’t want it.” He just talked about how it hurts him that he puts effort in and doesn’t see it making a difference.
I understand that kind of hurt. That’s what I’ve been dealing with for years in a variety of manners in our relationship. Making him feel loved but not having any of it come back to me.
I’m done. I’m done trying. I want to maintain the parts of our relation that work: friendship and co-parenting. And I want to end the part that isn’t working: romance.
I need to talk with him. But I’m going to wait until after our vacation. Otherwise that’ll be super awkward.
The problem is that I really do love him. I feel tenderly toward him. I care about him as a person. I care about his feelings and his heart. He’s such a wonderful guy. But we aren’t a good fit anymore. Really, I don’t fit here.
There’s still a lot here. Between us. Maybe romantic love would grow again?
But really, I don’t want to have sex.
I’m so scared to move forward. Staying will hurt. Moving forward will hurt.
Oh and my daughter. My sweet daughter. Fuck. Can I do this to her?
But I really don’t want to have sex.