Another journal post by Meredith. She compares why she chose to have sex with both me and her husband. I find most interesting that out of the two of us I am considered the one who knows her fully. From my experience with her I completely agree.
She also notes how fiercely protective I am of her. It’s true. I am very protective of those I love. Her reputation is that of a sweet innocent woman. A mother and loving wife. Yet she also has this secret. She is a very sexual woman with dark desires. She wanted me to know and experience that side of her. She also knew that I would, and did, still fiercely protect her reputation.
I can’t let this thing go. I’m thinking about why I chose to have sex with H and Ryan.
With H, it was partly excitement. Partly that I felt like I had to because I’d already had sex before, like I owed it to him. Part that I hoped that if I did he would put energy into knowing the rest of me. But he hasn’t really done that in the way I hoped. He put energy into our life, the day-to-day transactions, but not into the larger picture. The me that is above all of that. The me that has hopes and dreams and ideas and desires.
With Ryan, he already knew me. I wanted to be completely intimate with him. I wanted to be fully known. He knew my mind and my heart but he didn’t know my body and it felt incomplete. I wanted him to see that side of me. And I wanted to know that if I showed him all of me that he would still love me. That was why it was so important for me to have him know that I wasn’t wholesome. I needed him to know that there was more to me. Using my body is a game and it’s fun but it’s only that way because he knows me so well. Because he’s fiercely protective of the rest of me. Because with him, it’s the way we express how close we are, not the way that we prove how close we are. It’s a natural outpouring of our relationship.
I’m so affected by this book. It’s really remarkable.