I’ve started to notice a pattern to my feelings. The patterns are all related to sex.
Immediately after sex I often feel ashamed for my sexual desires, and convinced that I don’t need them. That I can be with my wife, and just continue as is. I wouldn’t say I necessarily feel more connected to her, but that what I have is enough. I’m able to tell myself all those other things I’ve felt I needed for so long are not necessary.
This period usually lasts for about two days. After two days my desires ramp back up, and seem to cross an imaginary threshold. It’s like my brain switches, and I start to seriously question how I can go on in this marriage without being myself. I feel my desires become a major part of me again. I feel stronger. I know what I want. Generally this is the time I start trying to push my wife for sex again – as any sex seems better than no sex. Right around day two and three.
If a couple more days pass then things continue to intensify. I will no longer want just any sex. The longer I go without, the more I crave kinky sex. Raw sex. My dominant side wants to play. I tend to push my wife for dirtier sex which she doesn’t usually appreciate. The split between us grows deeper.
It’s not that the desire for dominant sex isn’t there the whole time. It’s that I have more control over my desire for the first couple days. Once I hit the imaginary threshold then it begins to control me. That’s a harsh way of saying it. What I really mean is that I can no longer ignore my own desires. They overpower my ability to push them down.
In the end we have normal sex. Like we always do. If it has been a long number of days in between then I feel even worse afterward. The buildup for an intense sexual experience makes me feel very low when it doesn’t happen. Like a deep rejection of myself.
In contrast if we have sex more frequently, like every two days then I don’t feel as bad afterward, but it is also not as enjoyable. More like relationship maintenance. Generally I can get the job done, but my excitement level is low. Right about where my wife wants it. Afterward I don’t feel quite as bad because the expectations were not as high.
With my wife, I need a minimum of two days in between anyway. I always have. She does not get me very excited on her own. For many years I assumed it was just me, but then there was Meredith. She helped me realize that I actually enjoy much more frequent sex, and don’t need a two day break at all. I can go multiple times in a day with the right mental stimulation.
At the end of the day my wife does not join me mentally for sex. For me it’s all in the mind even though we express those desires through our bodies. When she isn’t with me and rejects much of who I am sexually then it makes it difficult to have an intimate relationship.