This is it. She writes here about our bond. If you’ve read much of my writing you already know how I feel about my connection to Meredith. Here you can see in her own words how she felt. What we had was very special. A once in a lifetime connection where we both really knew each other’s minds.
When we first started to become friends I told her I would quickly become one of her top friends. She didn’t believe me. I wanted (and still do) to know everything about her. She fascinated me. She was also fascinated by me. We fed each others souls. This happened all the time through the day, and bled right into sex. To be so connected to someone led to some fairly mind blowing sex.
This was written in two parts. The first part she wrote more to note she was reading this book and it was amazing. The second part is a more detailed analysis.
I’m 112 pages into the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. Everyone needs to read this book. I can’t put it down. It speaks to me in a way I can’t quite articulate.
Today I’m just writing. No formal meditation and no exercise. I’ve done both the last two days and today I really need to write. My mind is going because of the book Love Warrior – it was so good. I read it all in one sitting. I feel like I need to read it again and pull out quotes and themes so that it’s message can sink in and become part of my being.
One of the main themes was her relationship with sex. She talks about how she never really felt like her body was part of her, it was just kind of there and she would let other people use it. How if people really wanted to know her it had to be through her mind… and how this became a struggle for her and her husband – he felt loved and known through his body and she felt loved and known through her mind. That clicked for me. Not because the body is unimportant to me but because that’s how I used my body through college. I just wanted to feel good and sex made me feel mostly good. But then that was all H and I really did. And now I’m starting to see the ways in which he never really got to know me because he doesn’t know how I think about things or many of my important stories. He doesn’t REALLY know me.
I told him last night that I want to take a break from sex. I want him to get to know me. and honestly, it’s practice for me too… how to let him get to know me without making myself into his crutch.
I think that’s the difference with Ryan. I mean, it’s one of them. The bdsm stuff is kind of it’s own category. But that’s why physical stuff with him always felt different to me. He knows my mind. He knows how I think and what I’m feeling and when he doesn’t he gets curious and tries to enter into it with me. So when we did anything physical I could be present, because he was present with me. He was there still watching me, helping me stay with him. I never felt like he was just using my body and I had to just let him. I felt like my whole self – mind, body, and spirit. I don’t want sex if it’s going to be any other way. It hurts too much to let my body be used like that. I don’t want to feel empty when I’m supposed to feel intimate.
I have to run.