Journal: Love Warrior

This is it. She writes here about our bond. If you’ve read much of my writing you already know how I feel about my connection to Meredith. Here you can see in her own words how she felt. What we had was very special. A once in a lifetime connection where we both really knew each other’s minds. 

When we first started to become friends I told her I would quickly become one of her top friends. She didn’t believe me. I wanted (and still do) to know everything about her. She fascinated me. She was also fascinated by me. We fed each others souls. This happened all the time through the day, and bled right into sex. To be so connected to someone led to some fairly mind blowing sex. 

This was written in two parts. The first part she wrote more to note she was reading this book and it was amazing. The second part is a more detailed analysis. 

*****

I’m 112 pages into the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. Everyone needs to read this book. I can’t put it down. It speaks to me in a way I can’t quite articulate.

*****

Today I’m just writing. No formal meditation and no exercise. I’ve done both the last two days and today I really need to write. My mind is going because of the book Love Warrior – it was so good. I read it all in one sitting. I feel like I need to read it again and pull out quotes and themes so that it’s message can sink in and become part of my being.

One of the main themes was her relationship with sex. She talks about how she never really felt like her body was part of her, it was just kind of there and she would let other people use it. How if people really wanted to know her it had to be through her mind… and how this became a struggle for her and her husband – he felt loved and known through his body and she felt loved and known through her mind. That clicked for me. Not because the body is unimportant to me but because that’s how I used my body through college. I just wanted to feel good and sex made me feel mostly good. But then that was all H and I really did. And now I’m starting to see the ways in which he never really got to know me because he doesn’t know how I think about things or many of my important stories. He doesn’t REALLY know me.

I told him last night that I want to take a break from sex. I want him to get to know me. and honestly, it’s practice for me too… how to let him get to know me without making myself into his crutch.

I think that’s the difference with Ryan. I mean, it’s one of them. The bdsm stuff is kind of it’s own category. But that’s why physical stuff with him always felt different to me. He knows my mind. He knows how I think and what I’m feeling and when he doesn’t he gets curious and tries to enter into it with me. So when we did anything physical I could be present, because he was present with me. He was there still watching me, helping me stay with him. I never felt like he was just using my body and I had to just let him. I felt like my whole self – mind, body, and spirit. I don’t want sex if it’s going to be any other way. It hurts too much to let my body be used like that. I don’t want to feel empty when I’m supposed to feel intimate.

I have to run. 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Journal: Love Warrior

  1. Her explanation I completely understand. In fact I feel that same way. Maybe I just didn’t know what to call it. Very interesting.

    Still not a fan of affairs. I always have to state that. It feels wrong for me to comment, at times, without acknowledging how much I dislike the affair aspect of your story. I know you understand it’s because I was the one cheated on and it is the most painful experience. Totally changed me forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes it is interesting the way glennon writes about how she let her body be used. I’m sure there are many who can relate. You should read the book. It was good, and inspiring. Not as much for me as for Meredith, but I enjoyed understanding what she and others are going through. The thought of making a woman feel like her body has to be given to me without her mind makes me feel very cheap indeed.

      I would never expect you to be a fan of affairs. I’m not either. I’m not not proud of what happened or what I did. But it changed me too. I learned a lot about myself and about love and emotions. Exploring those feelings on this blog has been the point and I think you appreciate that. I really appreciate your kindness and perspective.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do believe that you are a good person and that makes a hide difference. I think you love your wife and are trying your best. All of that tells me you are not the same kind of person that mistreated me.

        I’m following you a little more on being with someone who’s more sexually comparable. I get it. I’m looking for that too as well as everything else. This second time around they’ll be no settling for me. It’s all or nothing 😉. Thank you for showing your compassion for your wife and all the effort you give to trying to save your marriage. That’s what makes you different.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I do to. After awhile your brain tries to trick you into thinking maybe it was all in my head. Then I read her words and realize that it was real. I’m not going crazy. It may be over, but it was real at one time.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s