Journal: Can’t get you outta my mind

About a week later Meredith was coping a little better. I really like this post as she calls out the relationship we had together, and how much she misses it. 

Also at the end she discusses whether she met her goals or not. The goals that were laid out by me. She made sure she followed my instructions. 🙂

*****

I’m so distracted this morning.

I could barely meditate. I need to write to get some of these things off my chest before I attempt yoga.

H and I started to have sex last night. He was fingering me but my mind just wasn’t in it because he stopped talking to me part way through. I tried to stay focused but I couldn’t. I ended up asking him to stop and started crying. He had been trying to play the game with me all day. He kept making comments and telling me about what he wanted to do. But then… I don’t know… We get to the point in the evening where it can happen and it just doesn’t work. Part of it is that he’s not very in tune with me. He knows that he needs to talk to me but it’s more than that. It’s really hard to describe.

I keep wondering how this is all going to resolve. I can’t continue like this.

And to make matters worse (or better depending on your perspective) I keep thinking about Ryan. How he talked to me. Not even in a sexual way, just the way he was a friend to me. He helped me find the right words and clarify my feelings. He helped me feel better. He took care of me, even before we were friends, he took care of me as his employee. I just miss that. I miss having someone so curious about me and so willing to lean into who I am. It was all I could think about as I meditated. How it felt to be known so completely.

My mom and I are making a bunch of food for H’s new diet. We are working on a special soup right now. Then we’re going to do granola and some kind of breakfast option. Like maybe special muffins. And we’re going to Costco this morning to grab foods that will make the transition easier.

I need to shower now. Let’s review the week and see if I made my numbers.

Meditation: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday

Exercise: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

Note: I wrote in Friday’s journal that I would meditate and do yoga but family interrupted me. I didn’t mention them in Monday’s journal but I did do them.

Yay! I did!!

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