Journal: Illness on the Brain

In this entry Meredith starts contemplating her new life post diagnosis. It’s a lot to consider. When you pair this with her thinking of leaving him less than a month prior to pursue her own life that she knows she can’t have with him, it shows how quickly her dreams were crushed by reality. 

She told me many months ago that she had a premonition H would get some sort of serious illness. She couldn’t put her finger on what it was back then, but now it’s clear.

I can’t tell if she’s just thinking about what this new information means for her or if she was trying to convey to me that our other life is over. It’s hard to say. The result is the same right now anyway. But I did talk to a couple people about this, and they all agreed that if the marriage is in trouble it would be best to take care of that separately. Don’t just assume you are stuck. It’s not fair to either of you. However, knowing Meredith those thoughts won’t matter. She can’t leave him now. 

*****

It’s hard to contemplate anything other than “H has [unnamed illness]” right now.

His mom came to stay with us because I was concerned about performing basic tasks like getting my daughter ready for bed and making dinner. I’m liable to burst into tears at any moment.

I hate that I was right about my premonitions. I hate it.

I’m worried about H and about what this might mean for our life together. It could take so many courses. It could be nothing. [or it could be life changing and she lists some specific things that could change. She’s worried that she doesn’t know where things will go.]

Plus, I just worry about what it’ll mean for me. It feels a little selfish but I’ve been thinking about what it may mean for the BDSM stuff. I feel like I have to be his care taker now. And that means that I’ll never get to experience a life as a sub. That’s pretty hard to fathom.

I just wonder if it means that the life I dreamed about is out of reach. Maybe even the life without being a sub, just the vanilla life I might have hoped for with kids and the simple house in town. Even that may be significantly modified. But I really worry that being a sub is just a pipe dream now. Like maybe it’s a fantasy that I’m never going to get because I have to be here for my family.

It’s possible that it’ll end up fine. But it’s so hard to say. And I feel guilty even contemplating my needs in this context.

I should probably sleep. I’m going to overwhelm myself.

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One thought on “Journal: Illness on the Brain

  1. When I married my husband, he was obese, but losing weight. Within a year he’d totally blown out his knee and it was clear that he was never going to be able to do what he had promised he’d do regarding his health, etc. The fall that destroyed his knee wasn’t his fault, so I stayed. And I lowered my expectations of what my marriage could be. Over the next decade, I was forced to do it again, and again, and again. When it finally ended, I couldn’t even recognize what it had become. I worry Meredith is in the same place. Knowing she’ll never get what she wants and needs, but feeling like she can’t escape the path on which she’s been placed. I know how that feels, and it’s awful.

    Liked by 1 person

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