Journal: 8/26

Another post from Meredith. This one gets into her sexuality and her struggles with her husband. I mean he got angry with her over not telling him something about herself she didn’t really understand. Something he would have no idea what to do with, but the point is that instead of helping her or appreciating this new information he was angry. 

Also, when she talks of reading, it is literotica to get her aroused. Something my wife wouldn’t think of doing.

—–

Well, it’s Friday. I meditated but I’m taking the day off from exercise today. I only commited to 4 days a week and I’m pretty sore from yoga yesterday. I know, it doesn’t seem like yoga should make one sore but it totally does. It’s actually a really hard workout if you hold some of the poses for any length of time. Yesterday had a lot of core strengthening so it was particularly difficult.

I had a great day with my daughter at the retreat. [redacted specifics about the retreat that are not important]. 

I’m pretty worried about H today. He seems nervous about clinic. I think that if clinic doesn’t go well then he’s going to have to look into taking serious time off from the program, which must be nervewracking for him.

We had sex last night. I was feeling playful while we watched a movie and started kissing him passionately. I bit his lower lip pretty hard and he spanked me HARD which got me going. But then I said, “I’m too hot. If you want to continue we need to go upstairs,” and he didn’t make a move. Once the movie was over I went upstairs and read a bit to get my mind into it. And then we had sex. I don’t know. It really wasn’t great for me. I didn’t get there when I was reading or during. And then afterwards I asked him if more sex would lower his stress level and he made a comment that it only would if I enjoyed myself too because that’s what he finds most enjoyable… and then said something about how it made him angry that I hadn’t told him all this time that I’m a sub. But then he quickly said, “but I know that my anger is misplaced and that I think I’m actually just upset that you’re having a hard time.” But really, the damage was done. And I don’t really know what to do with that. I tried to tell him what I needed all along… I didn’t identify as a sub until recently but I was always setting up sex in a way that he was in charge and I was more submissive. And I used to ask him to hurt me but he never seemed that into it except for spanking.

Now that I see myself more clearly I’m seeing all the ways that I’ve always been a sub and just didn’t know it. It’s not just the sex – it’s everything. The way I take care of people. The way I ask questions. Everything. And I kind of like that about myself as long as I can find a situation where it’s understood and handled the right way. It feels like if I want to stay with H I have to change that about myself… and I don’t know that I really can and I don’t know what else I’d lose.

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5 thoughts on “Journal: 8/26

  1. If you continue comparing your wife to Meredith you’re going to be disappointed with your wife every time which plants a negative seed in your heart. You need to find some new common ground with your wife. Make her smile. Help her relax. Make her feel loved without strings attached. Treasure her like a rare collection. Those things are 10x better than any literotica. Meredith probably wouldn’t need literotica if her husband did those things for her on a daily basis.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the seed has been planted. The only way to stop comparing is to stop thinking about her. Maybe someday that will happen.

      As to the throwing myself into my marriage, I see this and hear this a lot, but it doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ve been throwing myself into my marriage for years and it’s gotten me right to where I am now. What I need is a change in my marriage. My wife has always felt loved without strings until I finally told her how unhappy I was. She had no idea. She was smiling. She was relaxed. Right up until I told her things were not working for me.

      Meredith is in the same boat and sex is a big deal to her as it is for me. Her husband dotes on her like crazy but not in the ways she needs. If her husband treated her the way I treat her then no she wouldn’t need literotica, but he’s incapable of being me so she will forever need assistance in that marriage. Because he devoted his life to her, but he does not understand how to make her happy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Happiness is not the job of each spouse. I’m definitely not recommending throwing yourself into your marriage. I think throwing yourself into your marriage would just lead to despair. You’ve been letting your wife lead the marriage when you are equipped with intuition sensory strengths that she obviously does not have, no wonder neither of you are meeting eachother’s needs. If you are willing to throw yourself at something, you should start throwing yourself at what gives you life, the very essence of your being that you’ve been rejecting in place of sexual desires. Do you know what I’m referring to?

        Liked by 1 person

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