Another post from Meredith. This one gets into her sexuality and her struggles with her husband. I mean he got angry with her over not telling him something about herself she didn’t really understand. Something he would have no idea what to do with, but the point is that instead of helping her or appreciating this new information he was angry.
Also, when she talks of reading, it is literotica to get her aroused. Something my wife wouldn’t think of doing.
Well, it’s Friday. I meditated but I’m taking the day off from exercise today. I only commited to 4 days a week and I’m pretty sore from yoga yesterday. I know, it doesn’t seem like yoga should make one sore but it totally does. It’s actually a really hard workout if you hold some of the poses for any length of time. Yesterday had a lot of core strengthening so it was particularly difficult.
I had a great day with my daughter at the retreat. [redacted specifics about the retreat that are not important].
I’m pretty worried about H today. He seems nervous about clinic. I think that if clinic doesn’t go well then he’s going to have to look into taking serious time off from the program, which must be nervewracking for him.
We had sex last night. I was feeling playful while we watched a movie and started kissing him passionately. I bit his lower lip pretty hard and he spanked me HARD which got me going. But then I said, “I’m too hot. If you want to continue we need to go upstairs,” and he didn’t make a move. Once the movie was over I went upstairs and read a bit to get my mind into it. And then we had sex. I don’t know. It really wasn’t great for me. I didn’t get there when I was reading or during. And then afterwards I asked him if more sex would lower his stress level and he made a comment that it only would if I enjoyed myself too because that’s what he finds most enjoyable… and then said something about how it made him angry that I hadn’t told him all this time that I’m a sub. But then he quickly said, “but I know that my anger is misplaced and that I think I’m actually just upset that you’re having a hard time.” But really, the damage was done. And I don’t really know what to do with that. I tried to tell him what I needed all along… I didn’t identify as a sub until recently but I was always setting up sex in a way that he was in charge and I was more submissive. And I used to ask him to hurt me but he never seemed that into it except for spanking.
Now that I see myself more clearly I’m seeing all the ways that I’ve always been a sub and just didn’t know it. It’s not just the sex – it’s everything. The way I take care of people. The way I ask questions. Everything. And I kind of like that about myself as long as I can find a situation where it’s understood and handled the right way. It feels like if I want to stay with H I have to change that about myself… and I don’t know that I really can and I don’t know what else I’d lose.