Next journal post. You can see her body image is an important theme and gauge of her depression. The key point here is that she is continuing to communicate to me that she is following my rules. She is letting me know how she feels, and that she is working out. Even when a bird threatened to derail her morning.
Well, I did yoga and meditation this morning. I was a little distracted during yoga because after meditation I heard a bird in the green room. I tried to help the little guy get out but he was too flustered and kept trying to exit via the window. Ultimately he ended up flying as fast as he could directly into the window and died. It was terrible. I saw him take his last breath… I’m actually upset enough to cry about it. I buried him in the garden.
In other news, I weighed myself yesterday and was super unhappy with the result. Yes, weight is just a number but it shows how depressed I’ve been. I’ve just been eating whatever sounds good with no control or thought. And so I now weigh more than I ever have before (including when I was 40 weeks pregnant). Blech. I do feel good about this new exercise regime and the journalling, but it’s kind of depressing that my body is SUCH a reflection of my emotional state. The good news is that it can go the other way too… and ultimately my goal is to be strong and have good endurance and feel confident – none of those things are weight dependent.
I am heading down to a work retreat this morning with my daughter. We’re both really excited about it. I LOVE the retreats. I can’t wait to be there.