Journal: 8/24 Thoughts

Meredith’s first real post. There was a lot of health related thoughts I shortened. This post was her way of telling me how she’s feeling and that she’s following my instructions. The part where she mentions it doesn’t come naturally to her what she means is that I told her the good parts. 
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Well, I feel a lot better than I did yesterday.I woke up spontaneously at 5:20 which is always a good sign that I slept well and should have a good day. I’m pretty nervous about H. [health problems removed]. It’s likely just a symptom of stress. He’s nervous, which means that it’s more serious than he’s letting on.

I meditated this morning and then did the 7 min workout which has me feeling a bit better. There is so much jumping in the 7 min workout for women app: seal jumping jacks, no rope jump rope, skaters, jumping lunge, squat jump, frog jump, squat thrusts, mountain climbers, superman exercise, and plank. By the time I get to the frog jump I can barely get myself off the floor. I guess that’s a good place to start from though. 🙂

I also took some photos of my current self. Honestly, I kind of hate them. A big problem is the light (H was still asleep), but I still can’t help but focus on my belly. I’m trying to see all the positive things: my skin looks nice, I have big brown eyes, my hair is getting long and pretty, my ass looks good, I like my wrists. I wish I could say that the positive focus came naturally to me, but it doesn’t. Again, I know this is just a starting point, but it feels pretty discouraging at times.

[photo redacted]

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my goals are in exercising and meditating and so on. I know they make me feel better mentally, but some days I’m going to need more than that. I think having a place to write down how good they make me feel – the endorphin rush and the clear head – is important. I also think I need to keep focused on the goals. My goal isn’t a specific number in terms of weight or clothes, it’s way more about what I want my body to be able to do. I want to have good endurance and be strong and feel confident. None of those things are dependant on a number, they are way more dependent on consistency.

In addition to being pretty distracted about H, I got an email from Jenny last night asking why I hadn’t responded to her. I told her the truth: I needed time to think about what I wanted to say and then I forgot to respond because I got busy. I also told her that the reason I needed time to think is the stuff she wrote about Becca. I don’t know what to do with all of that. She says that she’s in “Becca rehab” but I have a hard time thinking that it’ll stick any more than it has before. I’m not ready to be good friends with her again. Email is one thing, but seeing her in person sounds like too much.

I’m also bothered by my performance at work lately. I don’t have enough to do right now and it’s kind of frustrating. Luckily I have all those papers I can read for that new grant, but it’s still not quite enough to keep my mind occupied. I can’t wait until we start working with the consultants – that should help things pick up. And then I’ll have to implement all their recommendations which will be a lot of work too. So I know it’ll change but it just feels bad to have a lull. I know, doesn’t seem like something I should be complaining about but it’s just so counter to the way that I operate.

I’m really worried about H. I hope it’s just stress. This is going to sound terrible, but part of me worries about what it’ll mean for me if it’s [health condition removed]. What will that mean for my newly admitted BDSM desires? And what will it mean for my ability to do life the way that I want? What will it mean for us financially? And if it’s something more fatal, what will that mean for my daughter? How can I do stuff to make sure she knows her dad? I know, I’m getting ahead of myself, but that’s what’s going through my brain right now. I wish I could turn it off for a bit.

Honestly, before I meditated and worked out, it was all that was going through my mind. The morning routine really calmed it down. I should keep that in mind.

Ok, have to shower and get ready for the day.

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