Missing Meredith

I was doing well, but overnight I’ve started to crash. I’m missing her terribly at the moment. I don’t know if it’s some blogs I’ve been reading or something else. There is a life I could have only with her, and at times I see it so clearly it makes the bottom drop out of my heart. 

I know that many of you reading this are hopeful that my marriage will work out. That there are cases where the spouse stepped up and took on many of the roles found in the AP. I appreciate the support, I really do. It is the right thing to hope for. The odds of that happening with my wife are extremely low. I don’t know any other way to say it. She’s not going to be anything like Meredith. It’s not in her wheelhouse and it never will be. It’s a nice thought, and I’m really glad it worked out for others. This is a different situation with different personalities involved, and I have enough experience to know my wife isn’t going to be that person. 

When I get down like this I’ll admit it’s really hard to take the encouragement toward my marriage. It starts to feel like all the weight piles on me. She isn’t going to fundamentally change who she is. What will change is me. I will have to change who I am, and what I want out of life. Dramatically lower my life expectations to keep a happy marriage. How shitty does that sound?

Ah, bucket lists. That’s what it was. I read a post yesterday about bucket lists. My bucket lists do not align with my marriage. For one my wife doesn’t know them. How can she not? I’ve spent most of my life helping her achieve hers, and she doesn’t even know mine. Second she either can’t or won’t spend the time to help me with mine. That is what depressed me. Watching my life pass by year by year and getting no closer to those items that are actually important to me. Knowing that with Meredith I would instantly achieve a few of them, and she would actively push me to the rest. 

Also I may just be hitting the depression stage of being away from Meredith. This really sucks. I actually just want to stay home today and cry. Wow. The last time I wanted to do that was two years ago when my good friend committed suicide. I suppose losing someone important leads to this. I really need this time to grieve, but I can’t. I have to work. I can’t explain how I feel to anyone. It has to be buried at work and at home. Now it’s feeling hard to breathe. 


8 thoughts on “Missing Meredith

  1. Meredith is not perfect for you or you would be with her. Your wife has a leg up on Meredith already because she is still choosing you. You now have to choose her; however a relationship does take two people. I’ve seen one-sided or lopsided relationships that work; however, one person always appears more self-sacrificing.


    1. Good point. Perfect would include all the things keeping us from being together. Right now I think I am in a very lopsided relationship and I do need to get to a point where I either choose her or choose to not be with her anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not alone. You will get through this dark place. It’s temporary. You may circle back to it a time or two or ten; but you won’t stay there. If you need to take fifteen minutes out to cry, do it. Even that little bit of time can help.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Perhaps I see it differently than some of your other commenters because of my experience with my own marriage and with MS. But whether Meredith stayed, or if she ever comes back, she taught you what is missing. She opened your eyes. And that is a powerful thing. And not always easy knowledge to have.

    Assuming that your wife cannot and will not be what you need, there is another alternative. It doesn’t have to be either Meredith or your wife. You could start over and try to find someone more suitably matched. I know you know this… Because there is nothing quite like feeling trapped in a marriage that leaves you unfulfilled. Believe me, I know. I imagine that will all settle out in time as you sort through your feelings and work through with counseling.

    And as to the Meredith piece – I know that you feel like the ending you have had is forever. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Those things, and people who are right for us, have a tendency to come back around. I guess the question is whether you would be open to receiving her if she tried in her marriage and ultimately decided that it wasn’t working and ended it. Granted, the way she ended things was hurtful and frustrating, but we all do some crazy, fucked up shit when we are hurting. Maybe there is forgiveness for her at some point. At that point, if you were both free, and released from all the pain of the affair, it could be different. I recognize that may just be my own hopefulness talking about my experience with MS, but I do want to believe that…

    And like Fuzzball said, things will get better.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. To your first paragraph, I actually came to that same conclusion and wrote about it just a couple days ago! I completely agree.

      If my marriage doesn’t work out the most likely scenario is someone other than my wife or Meredith. It’s just very hard to think about. I wrote a post not long ago about that too. It really scares me to think about knowing all I know about Meredith.

      The only way I would hear from Meredith again is if she split with her husband. It isn’t impossible to think that would happen. Their marriage has some deep issues. Although I don’t like how it ended if I heard from her again because she was single I would completely forgive her. In fact I already have. If we were both single at the time, well, we probably wouldn’t be single much longer. That does seem like a quite unlikely scenario at this point.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do remember your writing about your marriage ending even though Meredith has gone. This post just made it seem you had changed your mind.

        If there is one thing that I have learned in life is that every man who has ever left me has come back at some point in the future, leaving the final decision up to me. Life has funny ways. What we think are endings often are just part of the middle. Not that it makes it easier during. Be well.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry. Withdrawals from a once in a life passion are pure hell. Despite it being over with Meredith, I don’t think you belong with your wife. She isn’t going to change and will never be what you need. If you stay with her, I fear you will languish and waste away until one day you can’t stand it anymore and leave. The question is do you want to live like you are for years and move on, start the healing process and eventually find the life you deserve? The only reason I don’t tell you to back your bags and leave today is because you have two small children. That is going to require some extensive planning before you do anything. And if you are thinking you should stay for the kids, I would think twice. I think most kids would rather see their parents apart and happy than together and miserable. I know that was the case for me!

    Liked by 2 people

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