I was doing well, but overnight I’ve started to crash. I’m missing her terribly at the moment. I don’t know if it’s some blogs I’ve been reading or something else. There is a life I could have only with her, and at times I see it so clearly it makes the bottom drop out of my heart.
I know that many of you reading this are hopeful that my marriage will work out. That there are cases where the spouse stepped up and took on many of the roles found in the AP. I appreciate the support, I really do. It is the right thing to hope for. The odds of that happening with my wife are extremely low. I don’t know any other way to say it. She’s not going to be anything like Meredith. It’s not in her wheelhouse and it never will be. It’s a nice thought, and I’m really glad it worked out for others. This is a different situation with different personalities involved, and I have enough experience to know my wife isn’t going to be that person.
When I get down like this I’ll admit it’s really hard to take the encouragement toward my marriage. It starts to feel like all the weight piles on me. She isn’t going to fundamentally change who she is. What will change is me. I will have to change who I am, and what I want out of life. Dramatically lower my life expectations to keep a happy marriage. How shitty does that sound?
Ah, bucket lists. That’s what it was. I read a post yesterday about bucket lists. My bucket lists do not align with my marriage. For one my wife doesn’t know them. How can she not? I’ve spent most of my life helping her achieve hers, and she doesn’t even know mine. Second she either can’t or won’t spend the time to help me with mine. That is what depressed me. Watching my life pass by year by year and getting no closer to those items that are actually important to me. Knowing that with Meredith I would instantly achieve a few of them, and she would actively push me to the rest.
Also I may just be hitting the depression stage of being away from Meredith. This really sucks. I actually just want to stay home today and cry. Wow. The last time I wanted to do that was two years ago when my good friend committed suicide. I suppose losing someone important leads to this. I really need this time to grieve, but I can’t. I have to work. I can’t explain how I feel to anyone. It has to be buried at work and at home. Now it’s feeling hard to breathe.