Had therapy tonight. It went well. We talked only a little about Meredith. He wanted to know how the conversation went, and how I feel about it. But mainly we went over the homework assignment and things between my wife and me.
I divided up my ideal life into four categories. Family, fun, work and sex. Yes there are more than that, but those four are pretty important. At one point we were talking about Fun, and he asked if we spent a bunch of time on that in therapy but the sex still wasn’t working, would that be enough? The answer was no.
As it turns out sex is a show stopper for me. He then asked what we can do about that. Honestly I don’t know. My wife is ready to talk about some things now, but she’s not ready for that. I explained to him how our conversation last week went. I had 24 hours of no talking she was so upset, and after I calmed her down there was still no way to follow up on those conversations. We just can’t bring them up.
In response to that we talked about the need to perhaps focus on some of the smaller things and get some wins before we discuss the big topic. Fair enough.
That moved us into “What works in your marriage?” I explained that we actually function very well together as long as we don’t discuss certain topics. We are great at planning and talking about tasks or our shared past (in a positive light only). He said we should look at how we can use the things that work to help us with the parts that are not working. Fair enough. In many ways we work very well together. Even overcoming normal marriage problems.
One of the smaller problems we have is that she doesn’t support me on things that are important to me but not her. For example fishing. She knows it’s really important to me. When was the last time she asked about it or helped me get out on the water? It’s been years. She doesn’t think about things for me like that. She never pushes me to do things for me. Maybe I’m asking too much, but that was something Meredith was phenomenal at doing. She couple read me and anticipate things to help me.
Another was board games. Yes this may sound lame, but I’m going to run the risk. I LOVE board games!!! With a passion. It would mean so much to play board games with my spouse. We could play one all the time and slowly work through it like my best friend in high school would do. My wife hates board games. She cannot play them. I’ve played maybe 3 board games with her in 18 years that weren’t just an excuse for a party game. All three times we ended in a fight. She gets SO ANGRY. So now I don’t play them. It’s hard to find friends with the time to play now that we have kiddos, and before that my buddies were more interested in chasing tail. (Being the first married in your peer group has drawbacks).
Anyway with all of these he suggested that I look at ways to bring them up during our planning sessions. Whether we have a family board meeting or during our weekly kanban. I’m going to add an element for a checklist to watch out for things for each other. It’s a small step in a bigger plan.
At the end of the day we need all these to work so that we can have the real discussion we need about sex. Because if we can’t make that work then none of this is going to work.
Lastly he recommended a book by Gottman. Seven principles of marriage or something like that. It has a lot of sections where you work through them together. That may help us to ask the hard questions in a non threatening way.