Meredith never knew of this blog. I told her that I would only tell her of this blog when we were together. It was too risky otherwise. She said she could wait. It looks like she will be waiting forever.
The journals we wrote to each other last summer. They were never exchanged. I spent so much time writing her daily from May to October. It was well organized, and full of incredibly important insights for her. It still goes with me in my laptop bag everyday. I’m not sure what to do with it. Scan it? Rewrite it digitally perhaps for the blog readers? Toss it? Mail it to her work address anyway? I don’t know. I have a hard time just thinking of throwing it away.
There are so many moments like that in life. Moments lost. Promises made but not kept, and the opportunity disappears. They are sad moments to think of. They will wash away like all the other memories though. Not a thing you can do about them.
Over time you think of them less. They become part of the past. You still feel bad when you think of it, but you can move on. I still think of things I did as a child that I’m not proud of which make me sad. But I can move on fairly quickly.
This blog is left outstanding. I don’t think I’m going to stop writing here. But I’m getting frustrated with how negative it has become. Bleak I suppose. I may take a break until there is some progress in my marriage. I want to focus on my marriage. I have counseling next week and my wife does the week after. I suspect there will be things to talk about then.