Things Left Outstanding

Meredith never knew of this blog. I told her that I would only tell her of this blog when we were together. It was too risky otherwise. She said she could wait. It looks like she will be waiting forever. 

The journals we wrote to each other last summer. They were never exchanged. I spent so much time writing her daily from May to October. It was well organized, and full of incredibly important insights for her. It still goes with me in my laptop bag everyday. I’m not sure what to do with it. Scan it? Rewrite it digitally perhaps for the blog readers? Toss it? Mail it to her work address anyway? I don’t know. I have a hard time just thinking of throwing it away. 

There are so many moments like that in life. Moments lost. Promises made but not kept, and the opportunity disappears. They are sad moments to think of. They will wash away like all the other memories though. Not a thing you can do about them. 

Over time you think of them less. They become part of the past. You still feel bad when you think of it, but you can move on. I still think of things I did as a child that I’m not proud of which make me sad. But I can move on fairly quickly. 

This blog is left outstanding. I don’t think I’m going to stop writing here. But I’m getting frustrated with how negative it has become. Bleak I suppose. I may take a break until there is some progress in my marriage. I want to focus on my marriage. I have counseling next week and my wife does the week after. I suspect there will be things to talk about then. 

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6 thoughts on “Things Left Outstanding

  1. Set the journal aside for now. Don’t do anything with it until you can settle some. Things have a way of mending themselves and becoming more clear. And things change.

    If you feel you need to blog about your sadness right now then do. Why does your blog have to be positive if you aren’t feeling it?

    My Stranger knows about my blog but from the beginning I told him I wasn’t going to edit my writing because I knew he might read. My doubts and fears and frustrations with him go up along with everything else. It is my journal and outlet…

    I sympathize with you because my situation has parallels. Be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you. I wish I could share my thoughts with her. But I know if I do her husband will find it and that would be devastating.

      I know it’s not bad to write about sadness, but it is really hard for me. I find myself getting sucked into a spiral I can’t get out of. The woe is me condition. I need to turn my thoughts around. It’s more for me. Although as readers I can’t imagine keeping interested in something so sad.

      I will push the journal out of my mind for now. Deal with it later.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. BLT is right. Whether you keep the journal or not isn’t something you have to decide now. I would, however, set it aside for now so you don’t keep seeing it. I know you’re frustrated by your grief; seeing that journal every day can’t help.
    I also worry that your desire to send it to her is a bit of a punishment impulse. Look, Meredith, at how much I loved you! This is what you threw away in a twenty minute phone call! LOOK AT IT. Hurt like I’m hurting. Best not send it until you can be sure that’s not your motivation.
    As for the blog, your readers are your people. We get why you are sad. Why you can’t seem to move past this inertia. Don’t edit yourself and don’t stop sharing if you’re pulled to do it. You don’t owe us that happy mask you wear for everyone else.
    Hugs, hon. Be patient with yourself. We are here for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Setting the journal aside. A decision for another day.

      Punishment impulse. Yeah I can see that. Not only how much I loved her but also how much she loved me. There are many passages about that. Make her face it all! Very true. Part of it too is that I want her to remember parts about herself that she has trouble facing. We would talk about them and I wrote them in there. That would be good for her to see.

      I won’t edit myself but I can’t keep writing the way I was. It was depressing even me. I need a purpose something to drive me. I really appreciate your support. And everyone else who echoes your thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

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