Day Two

What do I have? What is my life? A giant part of it for the last few years is completely gone. Before there was hope, but now there is none. I was standing at the edge of a cliff, watching the waves below, while the wind was blowing to keep me on the ledge. I could easily fall into the love and crash my life to pieces on the rocks and waves below. Instead a big gust of wind came and knocked me flat on my back. As I pick myself up and dusted off I looked around. Where am I? What am I doing?

There are thoughts in my head I’ve never had before. Negative thoughts. Impossibly unhealthy thoughts. Some about just going away. They overwhelm me. I sit down. All the time. There is no energy left in me for anything. Not even standing. Working out is what I need to do. I can’t even get downstairs to the elliptical. I’m stuck sitting here staring at the door. The tv isn’t even on. 

I’m not angry at Meredith. I was earlier. I can’t be anymore. She’s trying to save her marriage. She’s trying to save herself. She was in a bad place. I’m the asshole ripping her life apart. Did she love me? You better believe it. She would’ve done anything for me. Thank god she didn’t. Now she’s able to see that before she can ever think of me she needs to fix herself and deal with her marriage. I should be proud of her. I will be in time. I just need to get over our last 20 minutes together. 

I need to see my role more clearly. I’m an asshole ripping two families apart. How did I become such a monster? When you are the monster then monsters don’t seem so bad. Maybe that’s just life. We are all good people most of the time. But we are capable of things we are often not even aware of. 

What do I have? I have a picture perfect marriage according to anyone who sees us. I have two beautiful children that are so dearly important to me. With them I have a responsibility. I enjoy that responsibility and I’m really good at it. Everyone who knows me knows how great a father I have become. My oldest almost won’t function without her dada around. Which is great until the diaper is dirty. 

My wife is really amazing. We are good friends. She gives me nominal support. As long as I stay in the box she wants for me. She makes incredible money. Together we would be quite wealthy if we didn’t live in a city that is so damned expensive. She is sweet, loves me more than anything. Ugh, I’m not going to be able to do this justice so I’ll stop. 

My job isn’t great but it’s a steady paycheck. I find joy in it in places. I would like to find a new job with more financial appreciation. Actually I’m pretty sure I can find one more fulfilling too since my current company is afraid of anything new which makes my life difficult. But I need to be healthy enough to interview. 

The point is I do have a life. I’m not dying. I feel like my heart was ripped out, but I’m actually ok. I need to get off my ass and function. Somehow. I need to stop the negative thoughts. 

I need to focus on my family right now. On healing or at least acknowledging my broken marriage. On pushing myself uphill. To find a new job. To show my wife what I need. To get off the couch and start moving. I don’t know how to do this but I will try. 

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13 thoughts on “Day Two

      1. I’m so sorry 😦
        You feeling like this and trying to decide how to move past it and fix your marriage, I on the other end where the conversations keep ending at one of us needs to say it and we need to move on and away from it because we can’t fix it

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m proud of you! I know that sounds off, but I am. You are grieving and you are entitled. I feel like you need to go through the process, rather than hold it all in. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us. I’ll be around to support you in any way I can.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If I tell her. Not well. Initially it would be extreme anger. Then extreme sadness. She may think about reconciliation later but not at first. Honestly I don’t think we could reconcile. She would never let it go. Ever. She holds onto things to hold over my head already. If she didn’t want divorce we would still probably move that direction eventually.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You have so many positive things to say about your life with her, it’s surprising her holding onto things is going to hold you back from pursuing a fulfilling marriage. It does take two; however don’t under estimate your influence. Keeping record of wrongs definitely isn’t healthy for her and its alienating you. Have you been in an affair before Meredith? You’re self reflective, you say you’re a good dad, you’re secure financially, you admit your responsibility in the relationship… all good qualities in marriage.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well thank you for that. But it’s her nature to hold onto things. She always has. Her memory is superb. Her default reaction to things is to always react to the worst thing I’ve done. To what she perceives as my worst nature. She will calm eventually and acknowledge the reality, but for me the damage has already been done. If she finds out about the affair she will forever use it as her default reaction. Eventually it will be too much for me.

        She does this today with things that she perceives as big problems. They are not. An affair is a truly big problem. She will not be able to resist her default reaction. And I will not be able to live with only her secondary reactions.

        You said keeping a record of wrongs is not healthy. Perhaps not but it’s the world I’ve lived in since we started dating. I’ve worked to improve myself, but I always live under that cloud of past wrong. I find myself even today defending actions I took more than 10 years ago that she cannot let go of. Many of them were fairly benign.

        No, I have never been in an affair before Meredith, but it was likely to happen as I look back. I was always slightly searching for a way out of my marriage. It was hard for me to see what I was doing at the time though. It was just a fix. Now I look back and see a pattern. It could have happened but it only really happened with Meredith.

        I am a good dad. My wife knows that. We are secure financially. I’m not sure about the responsibility but I’m working on it. If my marriage does end I want it to end with my wife in full knowledge of what was making me unhappy. I’m hopeful we can work something out or agree to disagree and move on.

        Even tonight I sit here after a fun night out with her coworkers and friends. Absolutely no chance at sex, and I’m horny as hell. Our romantic relationship is just not working. I told her 10 minutes ago about how I feel after nights like this and what I hope for. That I get really turned on hanging out with her and our friends and I want to end the night with crazy sex. Not just this night but every night we go out like this. She said that’s nice, but she’s tired and not into it now. Same as nearly every other time. So she’s reading a book and I’m stuck with blue balls. Seriously. I didn’t hide it. I didn’t just roll over and resent her. I told her what I feeling and desiring, but I’m not going to rape her. Sex should be mutual, but her sex drive is extremely low. It is a marriage problem for us. It’s unfortunate because we do have many good parts to our marriage.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No one should be made to feel that way.
        Intimacy is a vital piece in marriage. If you married her knowing she complains or keeps track… How did you get over it before? Before giving up, you should try counseling. Who knows, diving into your issues and solving them could mean the most intimate experience beyond your wildest dreams. You’re obviously still attracted to her.

        Like

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