What do I have? What is my life? A giant part of it for the last few years is completely gone. Before there was hope, but now there is none. I was standing at the edge of a cliff, watching the waves below, while the wind was blowing to keep me on the ledge. I could easily fall into the love and crash my life to pieces on the rocks and waves below. Instead a big gust of wind came and knocked me flat on my back. As I pick myself up and dusted off I looked around. Where am I? What am I doing?
There are thoughts in my head I’ve never had before. Negative thoughts. Impossibly unhealthy thoughts. Some about just going away. They overwhelm me. I sit down. All the time. There is no energy left in me for anything. Not even standing. Working out is what I need to do. I can’t even get downstairs to the elliptical. I’m stuck sitting here staring at the door. The tv isn’t even on.
I’m not angry at Meredith. I was earlier. I can’t be anymore. She’s trying to save her marriage. She’s trying to save herself. She was in a bad place. I’m the asshole ripping her life apart. Did she love me? You better believe it. She would’ve done anything for me. Thank god she didn’t. Now she’s able to see that before she can ever think of me she needs to fix herself and deal with her marriage. I should be proud of her. I will be in time. I just need to get over our last 20 minutes together.
I need to see my role more clearly. I’m an asshole ripping two families apart. How did I become such a monster? When you are the monster then monsters don’t seem so bad. Maybe that’s just life. We are all good people most of the time. But we are capable of things we are often not even aware of.
What do I have? I have a picture perfect marriage according to anyone who sees us. I have two beautiful children that are so dearly important to me. With them I have a responsibility. I enjoy that responsibility and I’m really good at it. Everyone who knows me knows how great a father I have become. My oldest almost won’t function without her dada around. Which is great until the diaper is dirty.
My wife is really amazing. We are good friends. She gives me nominal support. As long as I stay in the box she wants for me. She makes incredible money. Together we would be quite wealthy if we didn’t live in a city that is so damned expensive. She is sweet, loves me more than anything. Ugh, I’m not going to be able to do this justice so I’ll stop.
My job isn’t great but it’s a steady paycheck. I find joy in it in places. I would like to find a new job with more financial appreciation. Actually I’m pretty sure I can find one more fulfilling too since my current company is afraid of anything new which makes my life difficult. But I need to be healthy enough to interview.
The point is I do have a life. I’m not dying. I feel like my heart was ripped out, but I’m actually ok. I need to get off my ass and function. Somehow. I need to stop the negative thoughts.
I need to focus on my family right now. On healing or at least acknowledging my broken marriage. On pushing myself uphill. To find a new job. To show my wife what I need. To get off the couch and start moving. I don’t know how to do this but I will try.