Last night I slept straight from 9:30 to 3:30. I’m used to getting six hours of sleep, but to get them straight through has not happened in many months. After being awake for a short while I then crashed until my alarm went off at 5:30. From a sleep perspective I feel good today.
I’m still really down about the whole thing though. It took me 30 minutes to get myself out of bed. I was stuck laying there just thinking. So much thinking and so little to do. It’s just over.
Being in an affair can be really fun with the secret nature of it. Until it ends. All the secretive features are now net negatives. There is no one to talk to. No one around me knows what is going on. If my wife left me it would be visible to most people in my life, and there would be sympathy and help. When your affair partner leaves you are alone. You must grieve silently. You must show happiness and stability to all you meet. You have no excuses for why you feel this way.
My wife left her phone on her nightstand this morning. I checked her Facebook like I do any chance I can to see what Meredith is up to. That’s kind of sick right? Using my wife’s account to check on my affair partner. It feels bad to me, but the urge to know is stronger. This morning though Meredith’s account is gone. She followed through like I asked her to yesterday. She cut me and my wife out of her life and social accounts.
Am I glad about that? Yes. And no. Everything is mixed. There are no clear answers.
Over the course of this past year and some I’ve learned that my clean and neat view of life is mostly not true. Underneath there are currents of lies and deceit going on all around us. Hidden lust and desires even among good people we all respect. I used to roll my eyes at the drama on tv. How could all that really be happening? Well it’s still probably overplayed on tv, but not to the level I thought. People all around us are living second lives. There are relationships we waltz between unknowingly that have deep and sordid histories. The face we see is normal, but underneath is a tangled web.
I begin to wonder about everyone else around me. If my marriage was stood up as the ideal, and I could do such things; if Meredith’s marriage was also stood up as the ideal and she could do such things; where does that leave those that have non-ideal marriages? Or other situations? What is the reality compared to the face that I am seeing? How much are they riding waves of unseen love from hidden lovers? How much pain are they holding from lovers who have left and they have no one to tell?
Not everyone writes about their experiences. Even if they did where would you find them all? I would bet many affairs happen and dissolve with no one ever really knowing. I’m not sure if that makes me happy or sad. It does change how I look at people. What’s really going on with you?
Another thing I noticed among those who are blogging about affairs, especially the men, is that there frequently seems to be young children in the house. Infants and toddlers. Does this mean there is something to do with life changes of children that lead to this behavior? Is it coincidence? For me, I was not out looking for an affair and the situation at work changed which caused it to move forward. If we had not changed bosses; if she had been able to stay my employee for another year or two; I would have kept up the wall between us and we wouldn’t have started the affair. At least not until later. Then again, I bet all these affairs have some similar detailed excuse.
I’m feeling very contemplative today. I could sit and think and write the whole of the day. What would I accomplish? Nothing really. A clearing of the head for one day. There seems to be a detachment too. Detached from my own existence. Floating through the day on thoughts alone.