The Last Call

I had everything arranged. We were to talk at 8:30 this morning and I made up an excuse about an appointment to not be at work until 10. The iPad was setup for FaceTime. I had turned off gps on my phone so my wife wouldn’t be suspicious. I had my list of things ready on my phone in Evernote. I was excited and ready to go. A proper goodbye I could be happy with. 

Then she called at 8:38. First thing she said was “My boss setup a meeting at 9. Can we do this at 10?” 

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My heart sunk. “What?”

“I’m sorry. He scheduled it while I was gone. I didn’t have time to change it.”

I said “I have to leave for work at 10. I only scheduled the morning off because you were free at 8:30.”

She replied “Oh. Well can we talk now?” She was still driving to work. 

How does one say that this isn’t going to work? That all the little things are going to interfere. She will be trying not to open up so she won’t be crying in front of her boss. Everything will be rushed into 15 minutes. All the time where we open up to each other won’t happen. It will be nothing as I had planned. Just read a list and be done. But at the same time I have no other options. 

I felt extremely low. Sunk. I could not just reschedule this. All my excitement for the morning was gone, and this was now my last call with her. She could see it on my face. All the positive attitude I had been planning was shot. 

In the end we did do a very brief version. It felt so very cheap to me. We said goodbye. 

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Right now I don’t feel good. I feel like reaching out and telling her how that made me feel. The work that I had put in; how important it was to me; and treated so quickly and haphazardly. I’m not as angry as I was the first time, but there is a genuine sadness. I know I need to just drop it. It’s over. It was never going to end well. If she wanted it to end well she would’ve taken it seriously and not gone to work. She would’ve done as I had done. She knew what I went through. That’s on her for making me feel like shit. 

It doesn’t matter anyway. I know it will, but there is nothing I should do about it. Just let it drop. It’s done. It’s over. 

I was so fucking excited about today. Now I’m pissed. She knows. She knows how it made me feel. She could see it. She couldn’t do anything about it. She screwed it up by being careless. Now she will have to deal with that. As will I. Damn it! 

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I did cry at one point. I wrote a daily journal to her last summer. Everyday. It was very well done. I wanted to at least mail it to her work to read. She said it was too risky. I said I understand. I’ll just get rid of it. All of that is now gone. Never to be read by the one person it was for. 

That was goodbye. Brief. Skipped almost all the feeling related stuff or just read through it list-like. I’m going to suffer through the next couple days then start moving on. 

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10 thoughts on “The Last Call

  1. I started reading your blog a few days ago. I am up to this blog and wow my tears are coming down! 😦 I don’t know what happens after this I will continue to read!

    Liked by 1 person

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