Today has been a draining day. It’s 8:30 and I’m sitting in bed already. I’m going to finish this, and then call it a night.
Today started on such a high. Yes I was preparing for a sad conversation, but it was going to be done well with caring attention and finality. That made me really happy. Plus the adrenaline from pretending to go to work and then telling work I had an appointment. The timing all worked out for me.
But then the call happened (see previous post for details). After the first sentence my heart went from a shelf way up high to crashing down into the cellar. It stayed down there and was kicked against the walls for awhile. I was deflated extremely quickly. All the adrenaline was gone.
The rest of the day has been a drag. I’ve been stuck between sadness that nearly keeps me from standing up to anger that she could do this to me again. But mostly it all makes me tired. So very tired. Hence being in bed. Letting my emotions go on such a roller coaster is very draining. I’m generally a low emotions person, in fact I’m very low energy in general. This sapped any energy I had left for the day. And no one knows why I’m down.
I just keep thinking “It happened again!” This time she promised me we would have uninterrupted time to talk at ease. I even asked her “please stay home.” She said no it would be easier at work. Guess again. You ruined our last chance to be together and be open. Possibly and probably forever! FOREVER! And you blew it over some stupid calendar appointment. How much could I possibly mean if this is how you are going to treat something so important? Or perhaps this was only for me, and you were never going to take it seriously, is that it? But you feel it now don’t you? When you saw the devastation you inflicted on me. You could see it in my face. You were always good at reading emotions and reading me, and you were reading extreme pain. I could barely hold my head up.
Then you asked “can we just do it in the next 15 minutes?” Seriously? How well do you know me? Of course I can’t. I mean you forced me to, which means it was a shitty substitute because that was all the time I had. But NO! I can’t! You fucked this whole thing over! Again! How could you do that to me then just be gone?
Today I blocked all communication with her. Well most of it. She would have to try really hard. Email; work email; phone; Pinterest; etc. she could still find me on Evernote or call my work number, but she would really have to try.
Honestly I would be surprised if she didn’t try to reach out to me again after fucking today up. It won’t work this time though. Calls won’t go through. Texts won’t either. Emails will be returned with a reminder that we are not communicating. It’s over. And unfortunately it did not end gracefully.
On top of everyrhing I had lunch with another woman, Sarah, at work about how she’s getting pigeon-holed into a position simply because of her gender. I volunteered to help her deal with it because our bosses are chauvinists. She came to me because she saw how well I handled it with Meredith. I was Meredith’s protector from such crap (before we were lovers), and I had a couple of really intense conversations with my bosses about her role.
Sarah even reminded me of something I had done 2 years ago I had forgotten about. She had been roped into taking notes at this director meeting (admin role because she’s a woman) and Meredith ended up joining the meetings for a day. Meredith took a seat next to Sarah at the side table where Sarah was taking notes because they could chat. I did not like that. I could see the higher ups start to treat both of them like admins. Neither were, but especially not my employee.
At a break I pulled Meredith aside, and told her I wanted her to sit up at the main table across from me. I did not want them even thinking she was admin. She was much too valuable for that crap. Apparently she went back to grab her stuff, and told Sarah she was moving to the larger table because Ryan didn’t want her to appear as admin. Sarah became very angry at the situation when she heard that. Her supervisor wasn’t doing crap to help her, and I think the comment made it obvious to her what was happening.
Talking to her today she was glad that I stood up for Meredith. She wished her supervisor would’ve done the same. She even remembers telling her now husband about what I had done for Meredith that day. Which is why she wanted to talk to me about how to handle all this. Hopefully I did some good. When our new boss starts I will work with her on how to navigate that. She’s too smart and too experienced to be stuck in an entry level role.
So yeah, I got to talk about Meredith all during our lunch break. Yay! <sarcasm>