For the first time I’ve had to really consider what life would be like if it doesn’t work out with my wife. There will be no Meredith. She was always part of my plans. She is so perfect for me. What will I do now?
Honestly it scares me. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve never been good on my own, but to do it with the responsibility of raising two kids is even worse.
I will need someone to love and someone to love me. Knowing that it won’t be Meredith means it would have to be someone else. Someone that I currently don’t even know. How will they be with my kids? I don’t know. I knew with Meredith. How will I get that years of friendship experience so I can trust them? How will I know if we share sexual compatibility? If we are sexually compatible how will I know they aren’t crazy without the years of history I had with Meredith? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
What I do know is that there are a lot of women out there who are also looking for someone to love. When I walk through the city on my way to work; for lunch; back home, I must pass by a hundred beautiful women. Everyday. It’s seems likely there is another Meredith in that mix. Maybe a little less in some ways and a little more in others. Somehow I would have to find them. A skill in which I’m not well practiced.
Thinking of sex, how would I possibly know if we have the same kinks? I think I would find out in due time. One thing is for sure. I would not wait until marriage to find out. Also, considering many of the conversations I’ve had with Meredith, other friends, and here on WP, it appears that it would be hard to find a woman who is as hung up on sex as my wife. The odds are that sex will be better no matter who future wife would be.
Odds are also strong they would have more time available than a doctor. However I think time available in my wife’s case has more to do with personality than occupation.
Would they have kids? Would they be good with my kids? Would they want more kids? Meredith was a number of years younger than me, and would have wanted more children. A lot more children if possible. Generally I’m not that attracted to younger women, but she was different. Maybe it would happen again. Maybe not. I have pretty great kids now. No need to get greedy.
I would hope that things all work out in the end, but it makes me very nervous to consider a future without my best friend in it. She was my #1. She knew me better than anyone. To my core. Now I have to not only let her walk away, but consider a future possibly without my wife and without Meredith.
Hold on there. Don’t get ideas that I’m leaving my wife because of the tone of this post. That’s not it. I’m just thinking of how hard it would be if I did leave and there was no Meredith. It’s not a foregone conclusion, this is only a thought experiment with my new reality.