More Fish

For the first time I’ve had to really consider what life would be like if it doesn’t work out with my wife. There will be no Meredith. She was always part of my plans. She is so perfect for me. What will I do now?

Honestly it scares me. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve never been good on my own, but to do it with the responsibility of raising two kids is even worse. 

I will need someone to love and someone to love me. Knowing that it won’t be Meredith means it would have to be someone else. Someone that I currently don’t even know. How will they be with my kids? I don’t know. I knew with Meredith. How will I get that years of friendship experience so I can trust them? How will I know if we share sexual compatibility? If we are sexually compatible how will I know they aren’t crazy without the years of history I had with Meredith? I don’t know. I just don’t know. 

What I do know is that there are a lot of women out there who are also looking for someone to love. When I walk through the city on my way to work; for lunch; back home, I must pass by a hundred beautiful women. Everyday. It’s seems likely there is another Meredith in that mix. Maybe a little less in some ways and a little more in others. Somehow I would have to find them. A skill in which I’m not well practiced. 

Thinking of sex, how would I possibly know if we have the same kinks? I think I would find out in due time. One thing is for sure. I would not wait until marriage to find out. Also, considering many of the conversations I’ve had with Meredith, other friends, and here on WP, it appears that it would be hard to find a woman who is as hung up on sex as my wife. The odds are that sex will be better no matter who future wife would be. 

Odds are also strong they would have more time available than a doctor. However I think time available in my wife’s case has more to do with personality than occupation. 

Would they have kids? Would they be good with my kids? Would they want more kids? Meredith was a number of years younger than me, and would have wanted more children. A lot more children if possible. Generally I’m not that attracted to younger women, but she was different. Maybe it would happen again. Maybe not. I have pretty great kids now. No need to get greedy. 

I would hope that things all work out in the end, but it makes me very nervous to consider a future without my best friend in it. She was my #1. She knew me better than anyone. To my core. Now I have to not only let her walk away, but consider a future possibly without my wife and without Meredith. 

Hold on there. Don’t get ideas that I’m leaving my wife because of the tone of this post. That’s not it. I’m just thinking of how hard it would be if I did leave and there was no Meredith. It’s not a foregone conclusion, this is only a thought experiment with my new reality. 

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11 thoughts on “More Fish

  1. Do you even begin to understand how insulting this post is to your wife? She deserves so much better than this. There are men out there that can bring her sexual nature out without intimidating her and shutting her down. Whew!
    Also, people don’t love that often. Your different interests in sexual behaviors are going to limit who you find. There are clubs you can belong to but that sounds very risky.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. (didn’t mean to press send yet)
    Perhaps you can start to understand her fear in talking to you and why she has been so reluctant to even start to hear what you have to say …. she has been under the pressure of your new ‘what if’ since the beginning of her knowing you had troubles to work through.

    I personally still think you need to open the lines of communication even if neither of you thinks she is ready, it needs to start sometime and I would suggest slowly and one thing at a time, but it needs to start. You’ve just gotten a taste of the anxiety your wife has had towards this all along …. or so it seems from what you have written in the past.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We are starting now. I’m sure she is scared of the future, but I would never just leave her in the night. We will work on it together. It’s unfortunate it took so many years for it to become an issue.

      We had a hard discussion last night about arguing styles. I thought it was rather benign but afterward my wife said it was really hard for her and she nearly cried several times. That is not good news. The only reason she was holding it together is because we were discussing a topic from her counselor and she knew she needed to work on listening and not shutting down. We have a long hill to climb. This wasn’t even in our top 10 list of hard things we need to discuss.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If I can offer you any comfort it’s this: there are a number of people with whom we can be happy. Meredith was lovely, but she wasn’t the one. There is no “one.” Every relationship is a compromise of costs and benefits. The more work you do on yourself to know what you want and need, the better you can articulate that to others if that becomes necessary. Just remember to check in with yourself often to make sure you’re being true to yourself so you don’t end up in another situation like you have with your wife. That wont be good for anyone.
    Kids are resilient​. So are hearts. I have every confidence in your ability to navigate these murky waters.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You really nailed this. I agree. Meredith adds up very well on paper for me but that does not mean she is the only one. I have learned so much about myself over the last year that I really understand now what is important in a relationship for me. If only I had known years ago.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Leo Christopher, a poet, once wrote: “That’s the lesson of life, isn’t it? It gives us one person who both shows us that true love exists, and that fairy tales don’t.”
        I exist in a reality very similar to yours right now. Here’s hoping we both get through it wiser, and perhaps a bit stronger, than we were before.

        Liked by 1 person

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