I suppose the last few months have been my denial period. Because we had this arbitrary checkpoint I was able to keep things up in the air. I was able to imagine life as it could be. The guilty pleasures of a life with Meredith, and the joys of living with my best friend. Also, to seriously consider the ramifications of what would happen to our families.
The period of denial has ended. Meredith ended it. I have now moved on to anger. It’s not pretty. I know she isn’t an evil person intent on making me feel unloved and judged. But I can’t help how I feel. She ended it on a quick phone call while running errands. Something that was more special to me than anything else in my history, from a relationship standpoint, was ended almost casually. That bothers me. I needed more than that. She either couldn’t see it, couldn’t do it, or didn’t care. The result is the same.
Of course, maybe it all actually ended months ago, and I’ve been holding onto a mirage. A mirage of words and promises that were never to be.
It leaves me feeling empty, and that emptiness fills with anger. How could she just throw me away like that? I was important to her, and she was to me. She was ready to leave her husband for me, and now I can’t even get a proper goodbye?
She’s going to just keep working on her marriage. Great. Keep doing that until death do you part. Happiness is an elusive goal anyway. Why would you really need that? Better to stay with comfort. Even if you are married to an arrogant asshole.
I see now why people want to block people on social media. It’s cathartic. It even feels good just to say it. “I blocked them on xxxx. It’s over.” However I don’t even get that satisfaction. We had almost no shared social media accounts to start with, and even if we did, she isn’t going to reach out to me. No point in blocking her.
I do need to remove her from my life. I need to get rid of the little reminders. Any calendar entries or lists. Email newsletters from her non-profit. I need to just cut the tie.
I’m going to take this week to really tie myself back into me. I’m a strong independent minded man, and I need to get back to that. Focus on me, my health, my career, and my family. Fuck Meredith. She screwed with me while moving her own life forward, and barely had the courtesy to say so. I was on pause for months, and she was not.
Now it’s back to me. Let the anger wash over me and make me a better person. Yes that sounds crazy, but the anger gives you energy to move on. I need to get as far as possible before the next stage sets in. Next up bargaining, depression and acceptance.