The Grieving Process 

I suppose the last few months have been my denial period. Because we had this arbitrary checkpoint I was able to keep things up in the air. I was able to imagine life as it could be. The guilty pleasures of a life with Meredith, and the joys of living with my best friend. Also, to seriously consider the ramifications of what would happen to our families. 

The period of denial has ended. Meredith ended it. I have now moved on to anger. It’s not pretty. I know she isn’t an evil person intent on making me feel unloved and judged. But I can’t help how I feel. She ended it on a quick phone call while running errands. Something that was more special to me than anything else in my history, from a relationship standpoint, was ended almost casually. That bothers me. I needed more than that. She either couldn’t see it, couldn’t do it, or didn’t care. The result is the same. 

Of course, maybe it all actually ended months ago, and I’ve been holding onto a mirage. A mirage of words and promises that were never to be. 

It leaves me feeling empty, and that emptiness fills with anger. How could she just throw me away like that? I was important to her, and she was to me. She was ready to leave her husband for me, and now I can’t even get a proper goodbye? 

She’s going to just keep working on her marriage. Great. Keep doing that until death do you part. Happiness is an elusive goal anyway. Why would you really need that? Better to stay with comfort. Even if you are married to an arrogant asshole. 

I see now why people want to block people on social media. It’s cathartic. It even feels good just to say it. “I blocked them on xxxx. It’s over.” However I don’t even get that satisfaction. We had almost no shared social media accounts to start with, and even if we did, she isn’t going to reach out to me. No point in blocking her. 

I do need to remove her from my life. I need to get rid of the little reminders. Any calendar entries or lists. Email newsletters from her non-profit. I need to just cut the tie. 

I’m going to take this week to really tie myself back into me. I’m a strong independent minded man, and I need to get back to that. Focus on me, my health, my career, and my family. Fuck Meredith. She screwed with me while moving her own life forward, and barely had the courtesy to say so. I was on pause for months, and she was not. 

Now it’s back to me. Let the anger wash over me and make me a better person. Yes that sounds crazy, but the anger gives you energy to move on. I need to get as far as possible before the next stage sets in. Next up bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

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18 thoughts on “The Grieving Process 

    1. They scientifically broke down the feelings of love and attraction. I would think anyone who has been in love would identify with some of those characteristics, as do I. Then I also identify with many of the affectionate bonding. Just depends on how you read it. This is an interesting idea but not altogether helpful. I already realize I’ve fallen for Meredith. Now I have another way of describing that feeling.

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  1. Anger gives you strength, babe. Use it. You’re going to need it for sure.
    A thought about the blocking – it keeps you from cutting yourself on the sharp edges of her moving on with her life. Its not to hurt her, but to protect yourself. When my husband’s affair came to light, I had him have his affair partner block me across all media so that I couldn’t see her stuff when I was feeling particularly low. Because I would definitely have gone back to look at her shit and just be mad all over again. I still do it with her pinterest page, where I’m not blocked.
    As for Meredith’s reaction, I’m guessing she’d blocked the agreement for the April check in from her mind, and was thus unprepared to make a decision about your possible joint future. When people are backed into a corner, they react defensively. I’d put money on her trying to reach out again once she’s thought about the choice she made and how it may affect you. But don’t hang on to that! Continue with your plan to move on.
    Focus on you. Breathe. Be angry. It’s okay.

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    1. About Meredith, you may be right. Although we talked about it a bunch. However in anticipation of that I’m giving her until next Friday to follow up. If I don’t hear from her then that is it. She ended it in poor form.

      I’m not actually on Facebook or Instagram or really anything where I could stalk her. I see where you were going and that makes total sense. It’s not so much about them not reaching you as you not reaching them. But it is a little of both. Especially if they try to communicate with you. She doesn’t communicate with me and I have no way to stalk her. So I guess I’m covered. Thanks for the heads up on that though!

      Anger gives you strength. It does. I can feel it. It’s strange. I’m not a super emotional person nor good at acknowledging emotions. Meredith helped me so much with that. Now I am using that power against her. Well not really. But I’m using it to find the strength to move on. Anger has a place.

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  2. I don’t suppose you see the hypocrisy in this yet. You had several other people who had no idea you were planning your life without them or with them part time.
    I still think you need a conversation with your wife otherwise you will do this again.

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    1. Thank you Moi. Just the kind of pick me up I was looking for. I’m allowed to grieve even if you don’t agree with the relationship. At least allow me to have emotions.

      Yes I do need a conversation with my wife. Perhaps you missed my post on why that can’t happen right now. Hint, it’s not me.

      But no I will not do this again. This was too hard and painful. This one caught me off guard but I wouldn’t have another affair. I will be focused on addressing my marriage before any second attempts happen.

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  3. I am sorry. Use what you need – whether it is anger or sadness or numbness – those are all valid emotions, and you will probably move among all of them as you move through this. Life leads us on many paths – although I am not able to say that things happen for a reason. Sometimes I feel like things happen just because of shitty timing or luck. Hugs.

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    1. Yeah I’m not always sure about the reason either. It does often seem random. That doesn’t mean I can’t learn from it. Which I have. I have a feeling there will be many emotions to deal with. My emotional confidant unfortunately was Meredith. She was great at helping me understand my emotions. Now I will have to do it solo. There is still plenty of sadness, but there was never anger before. Anger comes with energy which I appreciate.

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  4. I’m sorry that she ended it the way she did. Sometimes it’s for the best. I think that if you two would’ve met up to discuss your relationship that you would’ve been back at square one. Seeing someone that you’re trying to separate emotionally and physically from is bound to bring back some pretty intense emotions. Maybe she felt she had been doing so good trying to get over you that she knew if she saw you to talk that all she had accomplished would’ve been out the window.
    My husband broke it off with the OW over the phone and I truly wonder how long she grieved and if he did. He is fortunately the type of person who can cut people out of his life pretty quickly and not look back. Even after 3 years though I wonder how he would react if he saw her. Would those feelings come flooding back, or would he be disgusted with himself all over again for what he did?
    I would focus on your marriage at this point. Good luck to you.

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    1. Nailed it.

      That’s exactly how I felt- not wanting to take a step back once I had achieved 2 weeks of NC. Those two weeks were hard and well deserved. It was the beginning of rebuilding my own self esteem after having an affair. I didn’t want to go back to day 1, breaking contact (even by email) when my emotions were so highly charged and I felt so intrinsically attached to my affair partner that I would have done anything for him. I certainly didn’t want to endure (for a second time), another round of “this is day 1 of NC”. So I agree with ForeverChanged2014’s comments Patient Man. Her insight rings true.

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    2. Thank you. In the end she did call back. But you are correct. She was nervous about falling backward. Also we will not meet in person. Too much. But she was waiting for April as much as I was. She just didn’t handle it well when we talked. Next Thursday will be Day 1 of moving on. Absolutely no contact after that!

      I’m amazed you husband could shut it down so easily. That would be hard to do.

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  5. His affair was 3 months. Don’t know if that had something to do with it. I pushed hard for him to have no contact. I wouldn’t allow him to talk or text her in our home or around our children. She also lived far away so he had no physical contact daily. I asked him to hug me everyday to keep our connection. I finally gave him an ultimatum. He actually cut ties with his half sister for 8 years because she disrespected us, so I knew it was possible for him to do it with the OW.
    Why next Thursday if you don’t mind me asking?

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  6. I may have wrote about it. Honestly I try not to re-read my posts.
    There is no way in hell I’d be okay with my husband having a final meeting with the OW. And I’m so ruthless that I would drag the truth out of him.
    What do you plan on accomplishing by seeing each other one last time? You aren’t remotely afraid of those intense feelings coming back? Or are they still there?

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    1. Well… I don’t think my wife or her husband would be ok with it either. You’re in good company there. What I’m hoping for is a clean goodbye. We had a waiting game going on and during that time there are all these things that you pile up thinking about. Things to share. Feelings, emotions, and stories. I want to get them all out of my head and off my chest. Imagine someone close to you was going on a mission to mars and you had a final 2 hour discussion with them before not seeing them again for years and possibly ever. And you hadn’t seen them in months. Would you have nothing to say? I have lots! I am not afraid of the intense feelings because they never really left. But I know after this I can finally say goodbye and let them leave.

      I may go back and read your old posts. I’m very intrigued by your story.

      Liked by 1 person

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